I am HER... (63 page)

 
“I know.  But we have to talk about it tonight.  We have to.  But I would like to wait until after dinner, okay?’

 
“Okay.”  And with perfect timing there is a knock on our door.

 
Jumping up, I receive our food, from the nursing staff.  Mack always orders our food from an ‘outside source’ as he puts it, to maintain our health.  It’s always delivered to the nurses’ station, no matter where he buys from, and the nurses and any patients who happen to see and/or smell our food
always
resent us.  Mack just shrugs. 

  After our perfectly delicious Italian dinner, at nearly midnight, Mack stops, turns to me, and gives me the ‘doctorly’ look I have come to dread, and maybe even sometimes fear.  I don’t get away with nearly as much shit when he’s in doctor-mode, as I do when he’s in friend-mode.

 
“Okay, Suzanne, you’re off the hook tonight.  I can tell you’re absolutely exhausted, and I know you’ve made yourself sick with worry all evening over everything that happened earlier, so I suggest we pack it in for the night.  Go to sleep, and I’ll return early in the morning so we can talk.  Marcus isn’t expected until 2:00, so we’ll have more than enough time to talk, work through any issues, and then prepare you for Marcus’ arrival.  If things don’t go well tomorrow, I’ll simply cancel with Marcus, and reschedule for another day.  How does that sound to you?”  Ex
-hale
.

 
“It sounds great.  Thanks Mack.”

 
“Suzanne you are off the hook for
tonight-
ONLY.  Tomorrow morning I will be here by 8am, and we ARE talking about everything that happened and what was said today.  Understood?”

 
“Yes, Dr. MacDonald.  I promise.”  I even place my hand on my heart for emphasis with a solemn head nod.

 
“I think your ‘Here and There’, or ‘Then and Now’, or whatever the hell you call your ‘Two Kaylas’ are having a terrible influence over you.  You are quickly becoming quite the smartass, Suzanne.  I may have to speak with New York Kayla about it.”

 
“Don’t you dare!  I love having two smartasses.  And if they teach me to toughen up a little, all the better, right?”

 
“Yes.  You’re right.  Okay, I won’t say anything,
yet…
”  He grins.

 
“Good night Mack.  Thank you.”

 
“Good night, Suzanne.  You’re welcome.  Sleep well.”

  I think I will sleep well.  Pasta always fills me and makes me tired, plus I’ve had a crazy up and down day today, which always exhausts me.  Making my way to my bathroom, I brush my teeth and wash my face.

 
Pulling on my comfy pj’s, I head for my cozy bed.  The sheets aren’t those crisp cold hospital kind; I have real sheets, and a real blanket- Z’s blanket in fact.

 
I still sleep wrapped in Z’s blanket even though his scent is long gone, and it’s been washed dozens of times.  But I still have it, and I still
need
to sleep with it. Sleeping with Z’s blanket is the closest thing I’ll ever have to sleeping with Z, and I’m honestly okay with that now.

           
                     
CHAPTER 34

  When I wake, I
feel
Mack in my room.  This used to creep me out, but now it’s nothing to me.  Mack has seen me so hideous over the last few months, that a little bed-head no longer worries me.  Plus, he’s usually reading in the far corner, not even physically close to me, nor is he watching me like a stalker or something.  Mack just sits in the corner and waits for me to wake.

 
“Good morning, Mack,” I whisper.

 
“Good morning, Suzanne.  Could you
please
get your
ASS
out of bed?  Its 9:30 and I’m bored to tears,” he smirks.

 
“
Really?
  Wow.  Sorry.  Just give me a minute.”

 
Jumping from my bed, I grab some clothes, and head for my bathroom.  Kayla bought me an electric razor to use on my armpits, the one thing I refused to deal with after I was told I wasn’t allowed any razors.  So every morning, I quickly use the electric
poor substitute
razor, because I hate having stubbly underarms.  It’s just gross.

 
Back in my room, I see Mack has a whole breakfast spread laid out on our table.  Everything looks really good.  I’m starving again, even though I had a huge dinner only like, ten hours ago.  If I keep this up, I’ll gain back the twenty-five pounds I’ve lost in the last four months.

 
Handing me a plate, Mack starts dishing out all the things I love.  Huh.  This seems like a ploy.  He even has blueberry jam, which I know he hates.  Holy
shit.
  Mack even brought the jasmine honey I love, the kind that’s next to impossible to find. 
Uh oh.

 
“Mack.  You’re really freaking me out here.”

 
“With breakfast?”  He grins.

 
“Yes, with breakfast.  You have
my
jam, and
my
honey.  Both of which I know you hate.  This screams of
‘Butter up Suzanne, then nail her ass with something brutally thought-provoking and make her talk…
’  Am I wrong?”

 
“Nope.  You’re not wrong.  I do want you happy and relaxed.  I want to have a tough conversation, and what better way to get through it, than to make sure you’re all happy and satiated with your favorite
gross
jam and ridiculously expensive, impossible to find, and not
nearly
worth the effort, honey?”

 
“Okay then.  I guess I better dig in, so I have something to barf up later.”  I grin in return.

 
While spreading
my
jam, I can’t help but ask, “Is Kayla really,
really
mad at me?”

 
“No.  She
really
isn’t.  She understands that there are some triggers that happen, out of your control, and she also understands that you try very hard to keep it all inside, and sometimes it just bursts forth.  She is a good nurse, and she has dealt with many people and their issues.  So, no, Suzanne, Kayla is not mad at you.  She does however think you and I need to have a talk about personal boundaries, but more importantly, she thinks we need to talk about “The Big Three” as you refer to intercourse, a little more thoroughly.” 
What is she, my doctor now?

 
“Personal boundaries?”  Gulp.  I don’t
like the sound of this.

 
“Yes. 
I
think, and Kayla agrees, she made a mistake talking to you not only about sex, but about sex
with me
.  You weren’t ready for sordid sex details, and you certainly shouldn’t have had to think about
me
in that way.  You and I work because there is no
sexuality
between us.  Yesterday, Kayla made me
sexual
to you, and you lost your balance.  I believe that’s what made you lose it, if you will.”

 
“Um... I don’t know.  I was fine.  I was happy for you both.  I just…”  I have no words to express what happened.  I don’t
know
what happened yesterday.

 
“You couldn’t handle thinking about me in an act of intimacy because I’m supposed to be safe for you, sexually
non-threatening
, and yesterday you became aware that I am a man who
has
sex, therefore, I became a threat to you?”  Um…

 
“Maybe.  I don’t know.  You became not only a man who has sex, but a man who is
amazing
at sex, a
Sexual Dynamo
, a man who is
really good
with his ‘mouth and hands’.  I don’t know Mack, that’s a pretty awesome description coming from Kayla.  I shouldn’t feel any threat from that.  I shouldn’t, right?”  I am so confused.
  I hate this.

 
“No, you shouldn’t feel threatened by me, because I am
not
a threat to you.  But that doesn’t mean that you don’t
feel
like I’m a threat.  Who have you ever known sexually who didn’t threaten to hurt you, or who just hurt you sexually anyway?  You have NO experience with anything other than brutality, Suzanne.  You know nothing of normal, loving, erotic, healthy, beautiful,
amazing
sex.  I don’t know that you can even imagine it at this point.  Can you?”

 
“Yes, I can imagine it sadly.  I had it once, well actually two times, but then I didn’t and I won’t again, but I remember thinking it was really, truly, amazing and just, like,
wonderful.
  I think I was so shocked, that I couldn’t even believe it was
real
sex.  It was like a dream or something.”

 
“Suzanne.  You’re crying.  Do you know that you’re crying?”

 
“No.  Sorry Mack.  I don’t know… anything, anymore.”

 
Putting down my toast, I can’t make eye-contact with Mack right now.  I’m getting that feeling of chest pain again.  I get so tired of this feeling.  It’s all I know when I think of Z.  Everything about Z hurts my chest.  I hate talking about him.  Shit, I hate
thinking
about him, because pain is all I know when I think of him.  I am such an idiot over all this.

 
“Suzanne.  What are you thinking about at this exact moment?  Say it, please.”

 
“I’m thinking I’m an idiot for having such painful feelings over someone who I barely knew, and who I shouldn’t know at all.  He was so good, and I make my time with him into something so good, but I know it wasn’t real. I do know that.  It just makes my chest hurt when I remember him, because I shouldn’t think about him, at all.”  Let
go
of him.

 
“Who are you talking about?”

 
“Z.
There
I said it.  I know you were waiting Mack, I’m not stupid you know?”

 
“I know you aren’t stupid.  But I think it’s important for you to say his name out loud.  You rarely do, and when you do, you have a tendency to vomit.” 
I do?!
  Oh, funny.

 
“Maybe you, ah, shouldn’t tell him I barf when I say his name. That sounds a little insulting,” I giggle.

 
“As much as it pains me
not
to torture him with the fact that a beautiful woman barfs at the mere thought of him, I will refrain Suzanne… but
only
because of our damn Doctor/Patient confidentiality agreement, which I’m bound to…
Not
because I wouldn’t love to see my best friend’s shock at such a statement.”  I hear his smile-voice.

 
“Mack you are such an ass. 
Honestly.
  You think The Kaylas are a bad influence on me?  You’re worse.  You have a real nasty streak covered in gentlemanly,
doctorly
humor.”

 
“I do.  But the Kaylas are still worse than me.”

  I can’t think of anything else to say.  I don’t talk about Z ever, I don’t want to.  It really is like a never-ending agony.
 
And Mack always tries to make me talk about Z, but I refuse.  I wish I could have some closure or something.  Isn’t that the word Mack always uses? 
‘Closure’
?

 
“How is he, Mack?” 
What? 
Shit!

 
“Z is good, Suzanne.  He has accepted the fact that you won’t or
can’t
see him.  He tried for quite awhile, but you refused so many times, that he and I decided it was in
your
best interest if he stayed away. I’m sure however, if you would like to see or speak with Z, he would be more than willing.”

 
“No.  No, thank you.  He’s too painful for me.  I just wanted to make sure he was okay.  I didn’t know how all of this stuff had affected him.  Was he okay with it all? 
Is
he okay with it all?”

 
“Z did suffer greatly in the beginning.  He hid nothing of his father’s involvement, even going so far as to give up any files, photographs, and an old laptop of his father’s to the Police in Chicago.  Z was adamant about helping the Police and Prosecutors.”

 
“Does he know everything Mack… you know, all the
really
bad stuff?”