I am HER... (60 page)

 
“Suzanne.  Stop!  You did nothing wrong.  You didn’t fail me at all.  I just wish I knew what I said that made you this way.  I’m very sorry.  Would you like me to go?  I’m not mad at you, and I won’t be offended.  I know you need to be alone with Mack right now to talk.  I’m absolutely fine with it.  No worries, Suzanne, I promise.”

 
“Thank you, Kayla.  Will you still be my friend?”

 
“
Forever
Suzanne.  I’m not going to stop being your friend, just because you’ve embarrassed the hell out of me with Mack.”  Oh, I hear
her
smile-voice.

 
“Thank you.  And I hear
your
smile-voice. I love that Kayla.  I love yours and Mack’s, and Z’s…”

 
OH FUCK!!
  Complete bodily reaction.  Huge flinch and giant jump on the bed.  My whole body just revolted against me!
  HOLY SHIT! 
Oh this
hurts.
  Shit.  Here it is.  I can move now.

 
Z! 
It’s
always
about Z!

 
Now I can move.  Vomiting right on the floor, and partially on Mack’s shoes, I nearly fall off the bed.  If Mack wasn’t holding me upright I would have landed on my face.

 
Trying to catch my breath, slowly the vomiting and nausea subside.  Mack is still holding me, and I see Kayla moving around the room.  My head is pounding and humming loudly.  I am absolutely exhausted.

 
“Mack.  I’m so sick of all this
Z shit
.  It never goes away.  No matter what I do or think or say, Z is
ALWAYS
there.  He never goes away.  I’m never at peace.  I can’t stand it anymore.  It’s making me crazier, I think.  Please tell me what to do!”  I yell in between gags.

 
“What about Z is bothering you?  What is it specifically?”

 
“I don’t know.  I can’t… explain it.”

 
“Suzanne.  You were talking with Kayla about sex, and something set you off.  Can you tell me what it was?  Please.  If I know what the trigger words are, we may be able to help you better deal with them.”

 
Moaning my words, “It’s always him, Mack.  I hate this.  I HATE IT!”

 
“What do you hate Suzanne?”

 
“Kayla said you were
amazing
with your ‘hands and mouth’.  You were
awesome
.  You were
incredible
.  It’s you Mack!  I know it’s you.  It’s not
him
. 
YOU
were amazing and Kayla thought she was in heaven
with YOU
. 
YOU
are an amazing lover, Mack.  It’s
you
now, I
KNOW
that, but it’s all twisted.  Oh, this hurts…”

 
“What hurts Suzanne?”

 
“I’m done now Mack.  I need to sleep.  I’m done, and you can’t force me to talk.  Remember?  It’s ‘counter-productive’.  You said so.  You said it.  I’m tired now Mack, and I’m done.”

 
“Suzanne…?”

 
“Good night Mack.  I need to sleep for a while.  I have to.  I just can’t… be.”

 
“You can’t be what, Suzanne?  Talk to me.  Tell me what you can’t be.”

  I’m not talking anymore.  I’m not, and Mack can’t make me.  I don’t want to talk anymore.  This hurts, and I feel gross inside.  Everything is painful and confusing.  I can’t talk about it; I don’t know what to even say.

 
Lying on my bed, I push all my new clothes to the floor. Actually, without thinking I pushed them to the other side of the bed, thank god.  Puke-covered brand new clothing would have been
really
sad.  Unlike
this
sadness, which is just, like, crippling or something.

 
“Suzanne.  I want you to stay with me and I would really like you to talk to me about what you’re feeling right now.”

 
“I can’t Mack.  I.  Am.  Done.  Go play with Kayla.  Use your
amazing
hands and mouth on Kayla.  Please
her
like a
lover
from a novel.  Be amazing again.  I don’t care what you do, but please just leave
me
alone.”

 
“Suzanne.  Please, I didn’t mean to upset you.  I was just talking to my friend.  I didn’t give actual sex details, so I thought we were okay.  Please forgive me.  Suzanne?”

 
“Kayla, there’s nothing to forgive.  You should have been able to talk to me.  If I wasn’t such an insane asshole, you
could
have confided in me, but I am, so you can’t.  I’m very sorry, but I just want you and Mack to go away.  Go touch and love each other some more.  Go fuck.  Go have sex.  Go do whatever you did last night that was so
amazing
.  I don’t care, just don’t make me watch. That’s all.  I just can’t watch it.”

 
I think I just heard Kayla gasp, but I don’t really care anymore.  The quicker she’s mad at me, the quicker she’s gone.

 
“Suzanne…”

 
“Mack did you fuck her last night, have sex with her, or did you actually
make love
with Kayla? 
Seriously.
  WHICH ONE?!”

 
“Suzanne, is that truly what you want to know?  Is that what you need to ask?  Will knowing that make anything better for you right now?”

 
“Yes, I believe it would Mack.  Why?  Are you too
ashamed
to answer the question?  Are you embarrassed that you
fucked
her?”  I hear another gasp.  Is that
Kayla? 
“Sorry, if this is too
vulgar
for you Kayla, but maybe you
should
hear what Mack has to say.  Maybe you
should
know what you
actually
mean to him.  Maybe if you know you were no more than a dirty cunt
HOLE
, he wouldn’t seem like such a
‘lover from a novel’
, anymore?!”

 
“Suzanne!”  Ha!  Both yelled in unison. 
Too cute.

 
“Or maybe you should just leave Kayla, before you find out the truth.  Whatever.  I don’t really care anymore what either of you do.  I just don’t care, but I want both of you out of my fucking room.  Please just get the fuck away from me, I mean it.  I’m done with you both.”

 
Christ!  I hate the silence.  Just leave me alone, but neither will leave.  Neither will leave me in hell, alone.  What the fuck are they waiting for?!

 
‘What did you do, Mack?  Did you FUCK her?  Did you HURT her?  Was it
GOOD
for you? 
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?”

 
“Jesus
Christ!
 
Suzanne!
  We had SEX!  Mack didn’t
fuck
me, and he certainly didn’t
hurt
me!  We had amazing
SEX
, but if he plays his cards right, I have a feeling we’ll be
making love
in the future.  That’s it!  There was nothing bad between Mack and I.  He was a gentleman, and really, really good at sex.  HE was
NOT
them
, Suzanne. And Mack didn’t hurt me,
AT ALL!!
  MACK WAS…”

 
“Kayla!!  That’s enough.  Suzanne doesn’t need you yelling at her.”

 
“But she was accusing you of…”

 
“These are her questions, and these are her feelings Kayla.  This is how Suzanne expects things to be.  Right, Suzanne?   But Suzanne and I will discuss all these feelings and then she will process reality differently.  Isn’t that right, Suzanne?”  I can’t even answer him.  I have nothing to give but silence.

 
“You are not helping Suzanne, Kayla, though I suspect you very much want to.”

 
“I’m sorry.  I’m going to go now, but I want you to know Suzanne that I’m not angry with you.  We’re still friends.  I’m going to call you later.  And I love you still.  Please listen to Mack and try to get better.  I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

 
“Good bye, Kayla.  Thank you for everything.  I liked keeping you for a while…”  I whisper.

                          
         ==========

 
Christ my chest hurts.  It’s like on fire or something.  I haven’t felt this before, I don’t think.  Maybe I’m dying.  Maybe I’m having a heart attack.  Maybe all
this
will finally be over. 
What?!

 
Shit. I haven’t been here in a while.  I’ve been really good.  I’ve wanted to be better.  I’ve
wanted
to get better.  I really did.  Now, I seem to want to let go again.  Mack will be so pissed if I do though.

 
“Suzanne.  What are you feeling right now?”

 
“I want to let go Mack.  I’m tired again, and don’t really want to keep fighting, but I don’t want you to be angry with me.  I know I promised you and I’m sorry.” 
Dammit.
  Here come the tears again.  Within seconds, I’m sobbing.

 
“Are you telling me you’re having your suicidal feelings again?”

 
“Um… I don’t know.  I’m just so tired Mack.  I want to exhale again.  It’s been so long since I just exhaled.  Why can’t I?  Please.  Just let me
let go
.”  I say on a gasp.

 
“Not this time, Suzanne.  You have just hit a roadblock, but we’ll work through it.  We will get through this, just like we did with everything else.  We will get through it together, and you will come out stronger than before.  Today we went shopping, in
a mall,
no less.  We went shopping, and you had fun, and you were strong.  Could you have imagined doing that four months ago?  No.  You couldn’t.  So today is what we Shrinks like to call
‘A Bad Day’
.  That’s all.  Today has been a bad day, and tomorrow may be worse, or it may be better.  But we have to get through today, together. 
You
have to get through today.”

 
“But I don’t want to Mack.  I’m going to sleep now.  Good bye, Mack.  I’ll call you later, okay?  I promise.”

 
Just go.  Why do I always have to beg for solitude?  Everyone else on the planet gets to be alone when they want to be, but not me.  I always have to talk to someone, or look at someone, or just sit beside someone.  I am never allowed to be alone.  I just want to be by myself.

 
“Go ahead and rest Suzanne.  It’s okay.  Go to sleep, and we’ll talk later.”

 
“Thank you, Mack.  I’m sorry I suck.  I love you very much.”

 
“I love you too, Suzanne.  And you don’t
suck
.  You are a wonderful woman going through a particularly bad time in her life.  Sleep well, Suzanne.” And leaning in, I feel Mack kiss my cheek as I close my eyes.

 
Good night, Mack.  You really are my Angel.  I know you’ll be waiting in the hall for me to fall asleep.  I know you’ll sneak back into my room then.  And I know you’ll curl up in the chair in the corner and read a book while you wait for me to come back to you.

 
I wish I was yours to love, because you
are
the beautiful, romantic, caring, attentive man in the novels.  I wish I was someone who could love like that.  I hope you find that kind of ‘novel-love’ with Kayla, I truly do.

  When I wake up, it’s dark.  Looking at my clock, I see its 10:16pm.  Wow.  I’ve been asleep for a few hours.  Sadly, I feel like I want to sleep for a few more.

 
Where’s Mack?  I know he’s here.  He would never leave me alone on a bad day.  He rarely leaves me alone on
good
days.  Maybe he’s getting something to eat.  I
hope
he is.

 
I’ve lectured him about eating before.  He is too thin.  He makes enough money now, through my
Estate
to eat out 5 times a day if he wanted to.  I made sure of it.  But I haven’t seen Mack gain any weight.  Maybe he is just one of
those
lucky people who eat all the time but never gain any weight. 
I hate those people
.