I am HER... (58 page)

 
“…I think you confuse what was done to you as fucking.  You weren’t
fucked
, Suzanne.  You were raped; repeatedly, violently, and against your will as a child.  You may see it as fucking, and you may
need
to see it or categorize it as ‘fucking’ because the word rape makes you uncomfortable but the fact of the matter is this; You were RAPED.  You were sexually abused as a child, you were never
fucked
as two consenting adults may or may not do within a relationship at any given time.  You were raped as a child by grown men looking to hurt you.  You were not
fucked,
Suzanne…

 
“…So, “The Big Three’ as you call them, is really all the same- sex, but with varying degrees and edges.  As a man, I can make love, have sex with, and fuck a woman without abuse of any kind, and I can do all of this without
hurting
her.  There is no such thing as sex against someone’s will that is
not
rape.  You have known very little sex in your life without rape, or at least a form of sexual abuse attached, therefore, again, I think you confuse what was done to you with what an average man, or even average couples do with one another.  To you, everything seems so cut and dry.  Am I correct?”

 
“Yes…” 
Dammit
, I’m kind of crying again.

 
“Suzanne, it’s okay to feel like this, given your circumstances and how old you were when all the abuse occurred.  I’m not telling you you’re wrong to confuse fucking with rape; I’m just trying to put your feelings into another context for you to think about.”

 
“I know.  I’ll think about everything you said Mack.”

 
God, I feel crappy.  All tired or something.  I don't know how I feel, but it's not pleasant.  I’m all, like, dirty feeling, and itchy or something.  My skin feels like it’s actually crawling.

 
"Mack, I don't really feel like doing this today.  Okay?"

 
"Suzanne... We always start on this path, at least a dozen times or so, but every time you stop.  And every time I allow you to stop.  But this time, I think you should continue... Can you try to continue?"

 
"Mack... I really don't want to.  
Please?
 Not today, okay?"

 
"Suzanne.  It's time, I think.  Z was a very important, though short-lived period in your life..."

 
"I know!  Mack, I'm
very
aware of how important Z was at the time, and even still is, I guess.  But I just can't.  I'm going to see Marcus tomorrow, and you and I are supposed to go shopping this afternoon, and, and I just can't!  It's just too much today.  It still really hurts, and I want to be strong for tomorrow.  Please, Mack? Please, not today?"

 
"Okay.  We'll talk about all this another time.  But we
will
talk about it, understood?"

 
"Yes, of course.  I will.  Just not today."

 
Exhaling, I know I've won this round.  Mack always tries, but he stops when I just can't go further. That's the good thing about Mack, he doesn't force me to do or say things.  He just tries to push me in a certain direction, but if I can't go there, he backs off until another time.  Mack once told me it was counter-productive to
force
me to talk about the things I was
forced
to do.

 
I have to get ready anyway, Mack and I are going shopping soon.

  I've been living in the 'Private Clinic' section of the hospital for two months now.  And though I have many freedoms, I'm still not allowed to
officially
leave, until Mack (and I) decide… which we finally have.
   Next Saturday, I'm leaving the hospital.  I have two options, or rather two
choices
, and depending on Marcus tomorrow, I'll make my final choice. It's time.  I'm doing much better, and Mack and I agree that I
should
leave the hospital.

 
Leaving today for a 'cardio-round' of shopping as Mack calls it, I'm excited... and nervous.  I really want to buy some clothes, but I'm still a little freaked out by the whole 'Macy's Incident', as I call it.  But Mack will be with me, and he has promised not to grumble
like a man
the whole time.  He even promised to carry my bags if I promise to let him go to a Best Buy. Mack is such a
man
when it comes to electronics.  
Honestly.

 
With all the proper paperwork filled out for my day pass, Mack and I are off. Walking me to the parking lot, I'm still bouncing a little, though trying to calm down.  Smiling at Mack maybe a little
too
frequently, he returns my smile with a gentle side hug.  God, he is just so good to me.

 
I love Mack's car.  It's awesome.  It's such a Man
car.  The first time I saw it I was totally overwhelmed.  It's a candy apple red Porsche Carrera.
Seriously.
When I stopped still, he smiled, laughed, and explained that after all the years of medical school, all the jobs he worked throughout, and all the years of no sleep, he felt he
deserved
one real Doctor-thing... his Porsche.

 
And then I saw the license plate and burst out laughing.  Mack is a really good psychiatrist.  Mack is amazing, and funny, and warm, and
normal
.  I laughed for a good ten minutes as we drove away from the hospital for the first time.  It was wonderful to just laugh away all the stress of leaving the hospital for a quick bite to eat for the very first time since I broke down.

 
And there it is again, and I still grin.  I'm finally relaxed now, as I buckle in, and prepare to shop.  I'm in the gorgeous, fast,
manly
candy apple red Porsche Carrera, with the funny amazing shrink, with his very funny license plate... ’U think
?
’

                               
 
==========

 
Five hours in, two thousand dollars spent, and 3 coffees later,
I'm
doing well. Mack, however, looks totally
spent
.  I almost feel bad for him, but he insisted he come with me for moral support, even after New York Kayla begged him to let her take me.  Now, he looks like
he
wants to kill himself.  Oh!
Funny.

 
"Why are you laughing?"

 
"Because you look
cooked
."

 
"I'm fine.  Honestly.  Is there anywhere else you want to go?"  He looks like he's pouting.

 
"Mack, you're pouting."

 
"Am not."  He says with a very dramatic pout.

 
"Are to."  I laugh.

 
"No, I'm good.  Let's go.  Where to next?"

 
"Best Buy?"

 
"Oh, thank
GOD!
 
Honestly
, Suzanne, I don't get it!  How the hell can you try on basically the exact same blouse, in four different stores, and still not purchase it, until you try on the exact same blouse in the fifth store? Its madness, I tell you...
Madness!"

 
Grinning, I take his hand and lead him out of the mall.  The poor bugger.  He looks totally drained, and that was only 5 hours of shopping. New York Kayla and I had planned a 12 hour, 9 to 9 shopping marathon.

 
After Best Buy, which I found ridiculously boring, until I bought myself an iPad that is, we finally leave for food.  Mack is so starving; he doesn't know that he can even drive. But when I offer to drive his ‘baby’, he suddenly comes to life again.  
Men.

                            
       ==========

 
When we arrive at the restaurant and take our seats, Mack instantly looks all doctorly. 
Shit.
 Here we go.  He was just my friend Mack all day shopping. He complimented me when I needed it.  He even weighed in on a few skirts or blouses when questioned. He was very relaxed and friendly... No Dr. MacDonald in sight. Now, he's here, looking anxious to speak.

 
"Go ahead Mack.  Say it, or ask it."

 
"Let's order first.  Then we can talk, okay?"

 
"Ah, okay."  
Dammit.

 
After we order there is an
uncomfortable
silence between us. This is rare.  Mack and I can and
do
talk about everything.  Rarely is there a silence, especially an uncomfortable one.  I find myself stressing out.
  "What did I do wrong, Mack?" Ooops.  
Flinch.
 Old habits, again.

 
"Suzanne... You know you did nothing wrong, at all.  Please don't revert."

 
"Sorry.  But you're stressing me out.  What's wrong then?  Just say it."

 
"I apologize.  I'm not trying to stress you out, though I’m very aware of the fact that I'm doing just that.  I'm merely trying to formulate my thoughts to best present them to you."
Shit.

 
"Mack you’re speaking very
doctorly
right now.  Just say it.  Don't worry about it.  I'm good."

 
"You are
more
than good, Suzanne.  You were wonderful today.  I rarely saw you come close to panic.  And when you did have that one tear-filled moment by the dressing-rooms, I watched you work through the moment until you could function again. I watched you struggle with the present and past, and inevitably, you came out of the past, with no help from me. You did amazingly well for your first real time out since May."

 
"Thank you.  But…?"

 
"There is no but.  I'm just concerned about tomorrow for you.  I'm worried that today and tomorrow will be too much in such a short period of time.  Believe me
, I
have faith in you and
I
think you can
handle it, but I'm concerned that
you
won't think you can handle it."

 
"Me too, but you'll be there, right?  So if I need a minute or if it starts going badly, you'll be there to help me, right?"

 
"Of course.  I’ll help you, or even stop the meeting if it becomes too much.  I hope it won't become too much, but I'm not sure of Marcus and his motivation.  He didn't tell me what this is about, so I'm going in as blind as you are, and that's where my nervousness for you stems from."

 
Oh
Shit.
 If Mack doesn't know what Marcus wants, I'm screwed, I think.  I assumed Mack did know, and therefore, he could prevent anything bad from being said, or from happening.  Huh.  This makes tomorrow even harder now. I kinda wish he hadn't told me any of this.

 
As our food arrives, I try to eat, I really do.  Mack keeps prompting me to eat, but I'm just too worried now to handle food. Chewing, the food even tastes gross in my mouth.

 
"Suzanne, I really am sorry.  I see the error I just made.  I wanted to prepare you for any potential upset tomorrow, but I did it poorly.  I don't want you stressed out all evening, but I realize I have done just that to you.  Again, I am very sorry.  
Doctorly
mistake?"

 
Laughing, I nod, "It’s okay, Mack.  I know what you were trying to do. I'll be fine.  I just hate
unknowns
now.  I'm trying hard every day to accept the fact that I can't control everything in my life, but I still hate it. Honestly, I know you'll be there, and I trust you to intervene if it becomes bad, so I'll be fine."

 
"I know you'll be fine.  I know you can handle whatever comes at you. We'll handle everything that comes at you, together.  I'm just a little nervous myself about Marcus." Ha!

 
"Me, too.  Marcus freaks me out, but I think I just want to get all this over with."

 
"Good.  Okay.   Now, can you please eat a little, so we can get out of here. I think you and I need a Grey's Anatomy night, don't you?"

 
"God, yes."

                                   ==========

  When we arrive back to my room, New York Kayla is waiting for us. I was recently granted a key for my room.  Mack, of course, has a key, and there is an emergency key at the nurses’ station down the hall, but I still get to lock my door now.  That was a big step.