I am HER... (70 page)

 
Christ!
  This whole night of seduction has just turned into a total
clusterfuck,
as Chicago Kayla would say. 
Honestly.
  "Yes.  I'm happy."  And bored to tears...
  "Okay, good,” Marcus exhales.  “Well, I'm going to go back to my study.  Merry Christmas Suzanne.  I'm glad you're back home with me."
  "Um, me too..." I whisper as Marcus kisses my forehead and then leaves our bedroom.

 
Well, this has certainly been interesting.  Now I
have to
talk to Mack. 
Dammit.
  But first things first... black yoga pants, and black cami are required.  I may just have to throw this beautiful floor-length, silk, low-cut bodice, cleavage enhancing black gown in the fireplace later. 
Shit.  

      
                            CHAPTER 38

  Here we go.  I hope this doesn't hurt as much as I think it will, though from what I’ve read, these things always
suck.
  "Um, Marcus?  I have to talk to you."
  "Okay,” he smiles once again.  I’m almost beginning to hate Marcus’ very nice, perfectly kind, respectable, even
loving,
pleasant smile. 
Ugh.
  "I'm, ah, leaving to go to New York for awhile."
  "Why? 
When?!"
  "Tonight, actually.  My flight is at 9:45, and Kayla's picking me up at the airport.  I'm renting a car in town though."
  "What do you mean you’re leaving
'for a while'
?" 
Shit.
  Here we go.
  "I mean, I'm leaving, and I'm not sure when I'll be back.  I have a lot to think about and I can't do that here with you."
  "Why? 
You're alone all day!
I'm not around to bother you or anything, I’m at work."
  "It's not that, and you don't
bother
me Marcus, at all.  If anything, you
bore
me."  Ooops! 
Dammit
.  "Sorry, what I mean is, I, ah, need more than this.  We're just so, like
pleasant
or something.  So automatic.  So
lifeless
."  Huge exhale of mine, followed by a long silence of his.
  "
I bore you?
  Would you rather I
hurt
you?  Or maybe
stress you out
?  Or
freak you out
?  Or,
or what
, Suzanne?  What would you like me to do?!"
  "Nothing.  That's the point.  I don't want you to do anything.  You’re amazing, but I just don't
feel
anything for you anymore.  You're like a friend now.  A very comfortable friend, not really a husband, and not even a lover.  You’re just someone I share space with."
  "A
friend?
  Would you rather I was an
ENEMY?!"
  "No, Marcus.  I just want to be happy, and I'm not with you.  Maybe I could have been, or maybe we weren't meant to be… I don't know.  All I do know is I'm not happy, and I don't think you are either."
  "
Actually,
I AM happy, but
MY
happiness has never really mattered to you, has it Suzanne?"
  "Actually
,
Marcus,
YOU'RE happiness was the
ONLY
reason I returned to Chicago.  I felt bad for you, and I wanted to make it right, and I thought returning to you, when you thought you loved me so much, WAS the right thing to do."
  "YOU pitied
ME?
  Are you kidding me?!"
  "No, I never
pitied
you, but I did feel badly for all you’d been through with me, so when you begged me to come back, I did.  I felt like I owed it to you.  I thought because you loved me, I should come back and hopefully I would learn to love you the same way. And I do love you, but not as a wife.  I love you like a friend, but it's not enough for me."
  "IT'S ENOUGH FOR ME!!" 
Flinch.
  Shit.
  As Marcus screams in my face, he grabs my arms hard.  Ouch! This certainly isn't going well.

 
"Marcus, please let go of me. 
Please?
"
 "Suzanne, if you leave, don't come back.  EVER!  I don't want you back.  I've had enough of all this shit with you.  I've been good, I really have, but I can't do it anymore.  I WON'T do it anymore."
  "Okay, Marcus.  I totally understand, and I'm really,
really
sorry."
  "Suzanne-
I mean it.
  If you leave, that's it.  I can't be with you ever again.  I won't do it.  Being with you has been so hard on me
for years
, and if you leave I don't want to do it anymore."
  "Marcus, my arms...
Please
let go of me."

 
As Marcus releases my arms rather hard and abruptly, I actually stumble a step backward.
  "I'm sorry, Suzanne.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I'm just so tired of you,  I really am.  I'm good, and you’re good too, but you’re bad
for
me, I think.  You make me hate things, and you make me love you, even though I kind of hate you too."
  "I understand, I really do.  I'm just going to pack some more clothes, and I'll leave very soon.  I'm really,
really
sorry, Marcus."

  Tur
ning, I nearly run from the room, but...
  "Suzanne?"
  "Yes?"
  "I'm going to move on.  I'm going to find someone to be a good wife to me.  I am, you know?"
  "Oh, Marcus… you're not hurting me, if that's what you think you're doing.  I want that for you.  I want you to find someone who doesn't mess you up like I do.  I want you to love someone without all the shit that comes with me.  I love you enough to sincerely wish you well.  Whether you believe me or not, I
want
you to be happy with someone else.  I want you to love someone; someone who you can have a
normal
relationship with.  Someone who adores you and loves you the way you used to love me, and the way you
deserve
to be loved.  I'm truly sorry that I wasn't that wife for you."

 
Turning once more, I’m half way up the stairs when I hear Marcus start running up behind me. 
  "You ARE Suzanne!  I'm sorry!  I was just being an asshole!  Please don't go.  We'll work it out.  I won't be boring anymore.  Just tell me what you want.  Just tell me what to do!"
  "Marcus, I'm leaving, I'm sorry.  I'll be back for all my stuff in a few weeks, okay?  I just have to find somewhere else to live.  I'll call you.  I'll let you know where I'm going.  And Marcus, if you ever need me, or just, like want to talk or something, please call me.  I would really like to be your friend."
  "Suzanne?  Let’s talk about this for a minute!"

 
God, he looks so panicky.  I feel just wretched inside for him.  This whole thing is terrible and exhausting.  Marcus deserves better than all this upset all the time.
  "We did just talk, Marcus, but I'm going to go finish packing now.  I'm really very sorry for all this pain,
all the time
.  You deserve so much better than this.”

 
“Wait!  Suzanne, I love you, and we’ll work all this out.  It’s only been a couple months… not even three full months yet.  We just need a little more time to figure this out.  I’ll do whatever you want.  It’s okay Suzanne.  Just tell me what you want, and I’ll do it.”

 
“Marcus, I…”

 
“Is this about sex?  I’m fine with it now.  It’s not a big deal.  We can do it if you want to.  Suzanne, just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it,” he pleads.

 
“Marcus, this is not about sex. 
Well,
it kind of is, but not really.  It’s just that we aren’t a good couple.  Or maybe I’m just not a good wife.  I don’t know anymore.  I think about you as a room-mate now.  You are a wonderful room-mate to me, but I want more than that.  I
have to
have more than that.  I didn’t struggle through hell, to end up with just
enough
.  I want more than just enough.  And I honestly want more than that for you too.”

 
“Suzanne, you
are
more than enough for me.  I’m not even angry or upset anymore about all the bad stuff.  I know it wasn’t your fault and I’m not angry anymore.  It’s okay now.  Just tell me what to do.  Tell me what you need Suzanne, and I’ll do it, I promise.”

 
“Marcus, I need you to let me go now.  That’s what I need from you.  I want to go now.  You are amazing, but you’re not amazing
with me.
  I want to go, so
I
can find more, and I want to go so you are free of all this
awful
from now on.  Please Marcus, it’s enough now.”

 
“But I can’t.  You’re all I ever wanted Suzanne, and it’s supposed to be better now. 
We’re
supposed to be better.  You said it would be.  I thought it would be…”

 
“I’m so sorry Marcus. 
I’m
better, but
we’re
not better.”

 
“Suzanne…” he whispers finally.

 
Turning from Marcus’ desperate stare takes me an eternity, but I finally leave him on the stairs as I make my way back to my bedroom.  I feel so awful and sad inside.  I can't help but cry while finishing the last of my packing.

 
I'm going to be 30 years old in a two weeks and I feel like I'm saying goodbye to half my life- which I guess I am.  30 years of Chicago with 30 years of nothing but pain, loneliness and upset, is
too much.
  I have to finally say goodbye to it all, Marcus included.
    I'll just have to spend the next 30 years trying to find out what will make
this
Suzanne honest and truly happy.

                          
      ==========

 
When New York Kayla picks me up at the airport, I finally exhale. 
Jesus
, I was holding my breath for hours.  It feels good to be with just a friend- someone I don’t have to try or pretend with.

 
"Do you want to talk about it?"
  "Not really."
  "Okay.  But you can if you need to.  I promise not to trash Marcus, though it'll kill me not to."  She says with her best New York Kayla evil grin.
  "Does Mack know I'm here yet?"
   "Yeah.  I
had
to tell him.  See,
my
Mack can't go one single night without a piece of all this,” she says motioning to her gorgeous body with a cheeky little grin.  “So I had to give him a reason for turning him down tonight."
  "Well, Kayla, I'm glad
MY
Mack has you in his life.  I love you both, and I love you both together. And after all
MY
Mack has done for me, I want him to be very,
very
happy, he deserves it…um, even if his happiness is with the likes of you..."

 
"That's exactly what Mack says when he's trying to get me into bed..." she pouts.
  Bursting out laughing at This Kayla's pout, I can't decide which Kayla has the better pout.  It doesn't matter I guess.  I love them both, though I hate when they use their pouts against
me-
I’m doomed when they bring out their pouts.
  Slowly my laughter turns to tears, and without saying a word, Kayla reaches over and takes my hand.  Squeezing tightly, she ignores me, and just drives us back to her apartment.

 
Throughout the drive I can't help but think of the years and years of awful I’ve had.  My years of horror and sadness just seem to never fully rest.  This life of mine has been an absolute agony.

                        
            CHAPTER 39

  The following morning, Kayla leaves to have breakfast with Mack.  He and I have already spoke on the phone briefly, and we're going to get together later for a person to person chat.  Kayla left me the keys to her car, and I'm already antsy to get out of the quiet of the apartment.  Strangely, I need noise for the first time in my life.
  By 1:00, I'm ready to go shopping.  My hair and makeup are flawless, and my clothing is shopping friendly… no buttons, or ties.  I’m wearing a quick overhead blouse, and snap fly slacks, with my comfy heels in place.  I can be in and out of a change room in less than 2 minutes in this clothing.