I am HER... (68 page)

  So red is a trigger, and subsequently Mack and I have learned that Marcus isn't a control-freak
asshole.  He was just a freaked-out husband trying to help me the best he could with an obvious insight into me and the color red, but with no information on my past to work with.  Sadly, all Marcus had was a pedophile doctor
and
my fucked up parents telling him to behave a certain way toward me and my sexual insanity.

  And so with all this new information on Marcus, I have decided to give him and our marriage a shot.  I know, as does Marcus, that it's going to be hard.  We're basically strangers playing a role we should have been living for the last 6 1/2 years.  But Marcus really wants to try, and I feel like I owe it to him
to
try.

 
Marcus has made no effort to hide the fact that he has always loved me.  He not only reminded me of our first meeting when I was fourteen, but he went on to explain to Mack and I how he watched me grow up, and waited patiently for me to become an adult.  Marcus tells us frequently about how 'in love' he is with me, and always has been. 

 
And Marcus doesn't shy away from emotion or feeling, as I always thought he did.  Again, it turns out his lack of emotion or apparent concern for me when we were married, was because
I
wouldn't allow him to show any emotion.  I would cringe and pull away from the slightest warmth or physical displays of his love and affection.  Marcus said the only thing he was
allowed
to do was kiss my forehead without me
losing it
.

      
There was even one tense moment between Mack, Marcus and I when all these discoveries were made.  Mack, in a moment of rare, uncontrolled anger, told Marcus to stop blaming me for everything.  He asked Marcus why he even bothered staying married to me, even bothered
loving
me if I was such a mess?  Mack actually yelled, "If you knew Suzanne was ‘
so fucked up’,
and she needed help so
badly,
why did you just carry on?  Why didn't you
HELP
her?!"  I remember both Marcus and I gasped at the sudden anger Mack threw at him.

 
Stunned, Marcus stammered that he
did
try to help. He told Mack that he had contacted Dr. Simmons AND my parents, even meeting with them in private to discuss me, and it was based on their recommendations that he proceeded the way he did.  He tried to defend himself by saying he had a doctor
and
my parents both giving him the same advise, to ignore Suzanne
and
to entertain her ridiculous sexual demands.  Marcus also said that he really didn't know any differently.  It was a little weak as defenses go, but it finally made sense to Mack, once he calmed down. 

 
Mack even apologized to Marcus for his outrage, and explained that he did understand Marcus was another victim in all this as well.  Mack always remained professional with Marcus before and after that one incident, but I can tell there are still elements to Marcus’ personality that Mack simply doesn't like.  And there are things Marcus did that Mack can't or
won't
forgive in the name of Marcus'
ignorance
.

      
And so I'm here.  I’m going home with Marcus today, with my new life all packed up in the beautiful luggage my two Kaylas purchased as a gift for me. I am going home to try to be Suzanne
with
Marcus.  Any minute now.  Any minute...

                                 ==========

 
Marcus and Mack have arrived together.  They probably had a little meeting before Marcus came to my room, but I'm not worried.  Mack and Marcus seem to have an understanding where I'm concerned.  They both want me happy.  Mack wants me healthy enough to grow to simply love and trust
whomever.
  And Marcus wants me healthy enough to grow to simply love and trust
him.

 
  Mack and I have gone over everything so many times, I know exactly what schedules I'm to have.  I know when I take my medication for my panic-attacks.  I know when to eat and I know when to call him; which is
anytime
-
ALL
THE TIME
.  Mack even joked yesterday that he felt a little 'momma bird setting her baby free to fly'.

 
Mack and I sat for a long time yesterday, watching my favorite Grey's Anatomy episode between Meredith and Christina.  Mack joked that he would always be ‘my person', no matter what anyone,
Marcus included,
said to the contrary.  And I told him he was going to be my best friend forever. 

  I cried a lot yesterday, but today I feel well.  I'm ready.  I feel sure of my decision, and sure of where I'm going to end up.  I rarely throw up now and my panic attacks are few and far between.  And the bumps along the way are for me and Mack, and even Marcus, to work through.  And I will.  I made a decision, and I'm going to see it through.  

  "Good morning, Suzanne.  Are you ready?" Marcus asks me gently.
  "I'm ready.  Can I just have one minute alone with Mack?"
  "Sure, no problem." When Marcus leaves, I'm struck by how kind and loving he really is. 
  "Are you sure about this Suzanne?"
  "Yes.  Marcus IS a catch, at least my bitch of a mother was right about that.  He is good looking, successful, and kind, and he
loves
me Mack.  He has loved me for a long time, and I owe him for that.  I owe him a chance to try to really love him back, I think."
  "He does love you Suzanne, but what's not to love?"  Mack grins at me.
  "You’re such a dork, Mack, but I adore you anyway,"  I grin back while grabbing my purse.  Mack just stops and waits for me to speak again. "I'm good, Mack.  I really am.  I want to do this.  I
need
to do this.   And I really need your support with this.”

 
"You have
all
my support Suzanne, anything you want or need, I'll give to you.  I'm not questioning your decision in the least.  I was only questioning the timing. 
Today.
  That’s all.”

 
"I'm ready today.  Today, I'm going to jump in.  I want to jump into my life...
Today.
"
  "Okay.  Done.  Now hug me before Marcus returns and sees your
highly
unprofessional
shrink crying all over your shoulder."  He grins again.
  "Okay..."  Holding Mack around his waist, I lean into his strength, once again, as I feel like I have for a lifetime now. 
  "I love you Mack, with absolutely everything I have..."  I whisper.
  "Oh,
Suzanne...
You really are a doll, you know that?  I'll see you on Thursday but call me before then so I don't go
more
crazy, okay?"
  "Absolutely.  You're
my
Mack, and your also
my
Speed-dial, so it's all good."   I grin up at him.
  "Okay.  I'll get Marcus, and I'll help take your luggage to the rental.  But no more goodbyes.  This is it.  I'll walk you to your car, shake Marcus' hand, kiss your cheek quickly, then I'm bolting, just so you know.  It's nothing personal, but I need this goodbye to be over quickly."
  "Okay.  Thanks Mack.  I'll talk to you later, maybe even from the airport.”

  Once loaded into the rental car, Mack does exactly as he said.  After shaking Marcus' hand, he walks to me, kisses my cheek, and walks away from me.  I saw the tears in his eyes, and I know he saw mine, but neither acknowledge them.  It’s done.  My day in and day out life with Mack is over.  I'm starting my new life; with Marcus as the main player.
  "Are you ready Suzanne?"
  "Absolutely.  Thank you, Marcus… for everything."
  "We're going to be good Suzanne, I know it."
  "I know we will- Just remember, 'baby steps'."
  "Got it."
  And pulling away from the hospital, I'm now Mrs. Suzanne Anderson...
again.
  I’m Marcus' wife, but
for real
this time.    

                           
       CHAPTER 37

     Jesus
Christ,
I'm bored!  Marcus and I have nothing to do over Christmas.  Everyone is gone.  We have no family or friends left, other than
this
Kayla- though it’s awkward as hell between her and Marcus when she visits.  There is no one here and nothing to do.

 
Marcus and I are so pleasantly polite; I could stab my own eyeball with a fork, just for a little excitement.  We should have gone to New York.  At least in New York, Kayla and Mack could have entertained us.  Mack and Kayla could have breathed a little life into this…
what?
  Maddeningly  pleasant, wonderfully calm, outrageously stable, boring little life of ours. 

 
Marcus and I barely talk, and we certainly don’t relate to one another.  But we
do
smile frequently at each other
all day
, and
all night
- pleasant emotionless little smiles.   Marcus and I aren’t so much living; we’re just kind of
existing
here in Chicago.

 
There is just nothing here.  This house is so quiet.  All the gifts are opened and already put away.  I went a little overboard, but what else could I do, but shop?  Marcus bought me a beautiful diamond pendant with matching earrings.  Everything was just so, so
lovely.
  And quiet.  And calm.  And
BORING!

 
I have tried everything I can think of to be a wife, and I know Marcus has tried everything
he
can think of to be a husband.  Besides having sex, which we
have not
; we moved right back into our roles of silent, pleasant, understanding, BORING husband and wife.  I cook, keep house, shop, and read.  Marcus goes to work and comes home with more pleasantries from the office.  What the hell can we do?

 
All day, I either read, shop, or talk on the phone.  My two Kaylas keep me from screaming from the boredom.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  Marcus has tried everything as well.  We even took a little trip together at his suggestion, and it was fine- but
boring and uneventful
. 

 
Marcus suggested I redecorate the house, and I have.  You’d think redecorating an entire house would take more than 3 weeks, but it didn’t.  That’s it- 3 weeks!  I found, bought, and chose everything.  It was delivered a week later, and the movers placed the furniture where I wanted. 
Voila.
  Now what?! After redecorating the ENTIRE house in 3 weeks, I had nothing left to do but shop for Christmas.

 
Christmas shopping was probably the most fun I’ve had since returning to Marcus and Chicago.  My ‘Chicago Kayla’ and I went crazy, pulling a 9 to 9 shopping marathon and then, the shopping was done too.  After buying the gifts for
all five people
on my list; Marcus, Kayla, Kayla, Mack, and the grandfather I don’t know… I was done. 

  
There was nothing left to do.  The decorations were up.  The new decor and furniture had already arrived and were placed accordingly.  The walls had be painted.  The tree was up… and I had one more week to go before Christmas day even arrived.

 
And now it's here and done, and I'm
Just So Bored!
  Boredom can actually make a person insane, I think.  And if that's true, then I'm on my way back to padded-room land, for sure.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  Maybe take classes? 
Like what?
  Take up Tai Chi or Yoga?  Ah,
not
interested.  A cooking class?  Yuck.  Knitting?  No way!
        I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm getting very antsy.  I think even Mack can hear it in my voice, and see it in my movements. 
Christ,
flying to see Mack every Thursday is the highlight of my week, and leaving to fly home every Friday evening to see Marcus, is the dread of my week.
  The problem is; there is NO problem.  There is nothing
wrong
, at all.  Everything just
feels
wrong.  It's like I'm trapped again, but this time not trapped in an abusive nightmare like I was before, but rather, trapped in pleasant
boredom.
  And honestly, I feel like a real asshole for feeling like this at all.

 
I
know
people dream about the financial freedom to do nothing.  People dream about having a handsome, successful, kind husband.  People dream about having
things
, and a home, and security. I know that!  I know I'm an asshole, but I can't help feeling just, like,
awful
within all this boredom, and pleasant
nothingness
.