I am HER... (65 page)

 
"Mack, I'm fine.  I was just angry.  I'm okay now, I promise.  But maybe you could advise
him
over there, to not call me 'honey'
one more fucking time, or I will not be held responsible for what I say or
do
to him."
  "Actually, Suzanne, you
will
be held accountable for anything you say or do.  I know you're freaked out right now, but that does not give you the right to
physically
react to Marcus.  Do you understand me?” Dammit. 
Really?
  "Poor sport,"  I exhale with a giggle.
  "I know.  I'm in Doctor-mode right now.  Otherwise, I'd let you have at him..." 
What?!
  Looking at Marcus, I'm done.  Bursting out laughing, I can’t believe his face.  Jaw wide open.  Eyes kind of bugged out.  His hands are shaking on the table. 
Jesus.
  Is he actually that afraid I'm going to assault him?
  "Are you so afraid of me now Marcus?" I ask on a laugh.
  "Um, no.  I'm more shocked at how unprofessional you and Dr. MacDonald seem to be with each other," Marcus says while glaring at
my
Mack.
  "DON’T
ever
go there, Marcus!  Mack is the only person who has kept me alive and relatively sane through the absolute fucking nightmare that is my life.  Mack is everything to me, and if you fuck with that, I will..."
   "Suzanne!  No threats.  Period,"  Mack barks at me.
   "Sorry Mack, you're right.  Marcus isn't really worth me hurting, is he?" 
   "Suzanne, I don't understand how you could be so angry with me.  What have I ever done to you to deserve this animosity?  I have been a good husband to you for 6 years.  I have always treated you well, with few exceptions..."

 
What?!
   I can’t take the sound of Marcus’ voice any longer or his pretend innocence.  I can’t take it, I just
SNAP!
  "How many times did you RAPE me, MARCUS?  How many fucking times did you rip me open when I begged you to stop?!  Oh. My.
GOD!
  A
good HUSBAND?!
  You're a FUCKING MONSTER, Marcus!!"
  "
Rape you?
  What the hell are you talking about?  I've never raped you!  I only ever did what you wanted?"
  "Pardon?  What did you just say to me?"  I ask so calmly it seems to silence the room.
  And before I know what’s happened, I've launched myself across the table right at Marcus.  Grabbing onto his throat, I feel him falling backward in his chair taking me with him, even as I feel Mack grabbing me around the waist.  Kicking at Mack, I continue trying to strangle Marcus.
  "How dare you?  How FUCKING
dare
you say that to me?  I NEVER wanted you!  I NEVER wanted you to fuck me!  And I NEVER, EVER wanted you to RIP ME OPEN!!"
  Clawing at him, hitting his face, pouring every anger I've ever had into Marcus. I feel amazing with my anger and vicious with my vindication.  This is AWESOME!
  Suddenly, I'm lifted and nearly tossed across the room.  Mack has me pinned against the wall, even as I scream and glare at Marcus. 
  "I HATE YOU MARCUS!  I HATE YOU SO MUCH!  YO
U’
R
E
JUST LIKE THEM, JUST LIKE MY PARENTS, JUST LIKE THE MEN!  YOU’R
E
ALL THE SAME! 
FUCK YOU!
  I FUCKING HATE YOU!  I WISH
YOU
WERE DEAD, MARCUS!"
  "Suzanne!  ENOUGH!  If you don't stop this, I will sedate you!  I swear to god Suzanne, one more word, and I'll knock you on your ass!  DO YOU
HEAR
ME?!”  Mack yells in my face.
  "Sure Mack, I hear you. 
Save
the rapist
and FUCK the victim.  I get it..."
  "Don't you
DARE
go there with ME,
Suzanne.
 
Don't even
think about it!"
  "Fuck you Mack!  Have him!  Go fuck yourself, or fuck him, or fuck
whoever,
just stay the fuck away from me, and take Marcus with you!!"  I scream right back in his face.
  "SUZANNE!  I don't understand what's happening here!  I don't get it.  Don't you remember?  Don't you remember begging me to hurt you like that?" Marcus pleads.
  "WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING
ABOUT?!" 
  "Your
safe word
Suzanne?  The word you wouldn't use!  You told me you would
only
have sex with me like that!  You told me that was the
only
way!  And I hated it! I
fucking
HATED it!  And you
knew
I did!  You used to laugh at me when you would bleed everywhere, and I had to leave the room... You
loved
it!  You loved laughing at me!  For 4 years, I had to fuck you so hard, I thought I was going to choke on the pain, but you just continued.  It was fuck you like I wanted to kill you, or
nothing.
  You made me do it!  You
made me
MAKE YOU BLEED!! OVER AND OVER AGAIN... AND I
FUCKING
HATED IT!!
  
Whoosh.
 
What?
Am I breathing? 
Fuck!
  Am I
falling?
  There is no air, and there is no light.  I feel only blank pain and darkness. 
What happened?
  I don't even know where I am.  Why is everything so still and silent?

                        
          ==========

 
"Suzanne? 
Suzanne,
it's time to come back now.  I need you to come back to me.  It's just you and I now.  Marcus has left the room, and you and I are alone. 
Suzanne?
  I need you to come back to me."
  I feel like there is an echo in my brain.  Mack's words are there, and I can understand what he's saying, but nothing is clear, or sharp.  There is a humming, and an echo, and I find it super distracting. 
Argh.
  The humming is very annoying actually.
  "Suzanne?  Come on back now.  Your breathing is better, and I think you can hear me now.  Come back now.  I want you back with me. 
Suzanne?
"
  "I'm here... Mack... I think.  My head hurts. 
Mack?
"
  "Suzanne, you're in shock.  You just suffered such a massive panic-attack and hyperventilation, that I have you on oxygen. Can you feel the mask Suzanne?  Can you feel me holding your hand?”
  "Mack?"
  Minutes, or hours later, I don't know, I try to open my eyes.  Oh, weird, I'm in a different bed in a different room.  How the hell did that happen?
  "Um, Mack, how did I... What's going on?"
  "Suzanne, you had a massive panic-attack, followed by vomiting, until you passed out.  You've been unaware for close to forty minutes now.  You were placed on this bed and cared for by the nursing staff and myself.  You’re breathing much better and your vomiting has stopped.  Can you try to sit up for me Suzanne?"  I don't even remember throwing up.  What the hell happened?  Marcus!
  "Where's Marcus?  Did he touch me?"
  "Of course not.  I wouldn't have let him touch you.  Marcus is sitting down the hall, waiting for you to recover some."
  "I don't think I want him here.  I can't.  My brain isn’t really good right now, Mack.  Can you make Marcus go away?"
  "Suzanne.  I need you to sit up a little.  Here, let me take the oxygen mask from your face."
  Once the mask is removed my head is a little less echoey.  I seem to hear things a bit better.  I seem to feel things a bit better.  What the hell do I do now?
  "Mack?  Mack, can I just have a rest now?  Can I please go back to my room?  I'm really,
really
tired."

 
"I know you are Suzanne, but I think it's very important that we continue for just a little bit.  I think you were understanding a little about your past with Marcus.  I think you were..."
  "I remember now.  Please ask Marcus to come back."
  "Suzanne you can take as long as you need."
  "Now, Mack.  Please get Marcus,
now
."  Nodding, Mack leaves the room.

 
After a few minutes I decide to move.  Swinging my legs around, I just touch the floor with my toes when my knees buckle.  Falling, I am suddenly in Marcus arms.  Fuck
NO!!
  "Don't touch me!!  Don't ever touch me again, Marcus.  I'm not yours to touch!"  I yell while pulling myself back onto the bed.
  "Suzanne!  Marcus was just helping you up.  I need you to focus on reality right now.  Marcus was not hurting you, he was helping you."
   Staring at Marcus, I think I remember.  I see it.  I think I remember.

 
"Marcus, what about the women?  How many did you sleep with?"  I whisper.
  "Um, quite a few actually. Especially in the first 2 years."
What?!
  "Did you just say that?  Did you just calmly say you have slept with quite a few women while we were married?  You’re incredible, you know that?!"
  "Um, Suzanne, you told me to.  Don't you remember?  You said I had to get it elsewhere..."  Marcus says as he sits in the chair across from my bed.
  In the silence that follows, I just pause.  What the fuck is he talking about?  I said
what?
  Does he honestly think I believe this shit?  I have to breathe.  I have got to keep it together.
  "Marcus, could you please explain to me what you're talking about.”
  "Um, okay. Suzanne when we were first married you
refused
to have sex with me.  I mean
vehemently
refused, especially on our wedding night.  Do you remember that?"

 
"Sorry, no.  Go on."  Man, I'm like awesome calm right now.

 
"Anyway, you refused, like forever.  I wanted to go to marriage counseling but you refused.  I tried to get you to see a doctor, even an OBGYN, in case you had some
female
issue, but again you refused.  I tried everything and I was so patient.  Finally, I just lost it one night. I think I said something like, ‘you either put out or I was going elsewhere’.  And do you remember what you said?"
  "Nope.  Not at all."  This is
such
bullshit.

 
"Well. You laughed, and said 'thank god. 
Please
go elsewhere Marcus.' And so I did.  Originally it was just to punish you for not wanting me, but then I realized you actually
didn't
care if I slept around. You even made excuses for my absences and infidelities.  You were like
helping me.
  It was so screwed up, because besides the sex issues, you and I got along so well, and we were so happy… and I just couldn't end the marriage."
  "Are you seriously trying to feed me this bullshit, Marcus? 
Honestly?
" 

 
What the hell?  Looking at Mack I’m absolutely stunned that Marcus thinks he can pull this shit on me.  Mack just leans against the window with his arms crossed, and kind of nods at me.  I think he’s trying to tell me to hold on or something.  I don’t know.  Mack looks just as stunned as I feel.
  "Suzanne.  We continued like that for 2 years, and then I finally told you I had had enough.  I threatened to talk to your mother about all this stuff..."
He did?!
"... Actually, I did talk to your mother, and she took you out for lunch and that night you were just, like,
different
or something."
  "My
mother...?"
  Think!  Dammit!  Lunch with my
mother?
  "Yes.  I don't know what she said to you, but that night you were wearing this bright red, like bustier corset thing with stockings and panties and everything.  You even had on red high heels.  You looked at me, walked across the room, and just tore at me.  My clothes, my hair, even my skin was scratched up."  Oh
fuck.
  I think maybe…
  "Suzanne.  Talk to me.  Are you alright?" Breathe.
  "Yes, Mack.  I'm fine.  Please continue Marcus."

 
"Um, you were so aggressive, and you asked me to do... lots of
things
to you,
which I didn't!
  But you just kept demanding more and more, and then, you were fucking
me,
and it was
awful
... like really painful, and not very good, and not something I really liked.  And you were a virgin, and I didn’t understand why you were doing this, or why you wanted sex like this…

 
“…And then you explained that that was what YOU wanted, and that was the only way you would have sex with me.  You told me you had a safe word, do you remember that?  You said it was ‘black’.  Do you remember
'black'?” 
Um, vaguely.
  Shit. “
Christ, I didn’t even know what a safe word was at the time.  I had to look it up.  I couldn’t understand how you knew about safe words and the sex stuff you were doing to me, and asking me to do to you.  You were a
virgin,
and such a good girl, and then you were all twisted or something with sex.  Do you remember your safe word, Suzanne?”
  "Vaguely...
I think.
  Please finish Marcus."
  "Ah, that night you were torn-up pretty badly.  I was just so sick over it.  I hated it.  Don't you remember Suzanne?  I was in the bathroom, ah, crying, and then you were gone.  I didn't know where you went.  I was frantic to find you.  I called everyone, even your parents.  Your mother was particularly frantic to find you. I didn't know
why
at the time...