I am HER... (69 page)

 
Maybe I need to give sex with Marcus a try.  Maybe it's time.  Maybe I should try tonight.  Sex as a kind of an extra Christmas present or something?  Maybe I’ll tie a bow around my, ah…
No.
 

 
Okay. Decision made.  Now I just have to follow through.  Should I ask him first, or just try it.  I'll try. 
Argh
.  I can't even imagine talking to Marcus about sex.  It's just so weird now.

                                
==========

 
      Okay.  Dinner is done.  A perfect turkey meal, fit for a perfect Christmas dinner.  The kitchen is spotless.  Marcus helped with everything.  He was jovial and had many compliments to give.  He even noticed my new black dress, with the
TINY
red buttons down the back and on the cuffs.  Marcus was perfect, during this perfect Christmas, in our perfect house. 
Argh!

 
  In our room, where we sleep every night, side by side,
without touching
, I enter the ensuite for a little girly time.  In my vanilla-jasmine scented bath, I make sure my whole body is shaved, scrubbed, smoothed, and scented.  I've even repainted my toenails, the perfect pale pink.

 
Dressing for this most
special
of nights, I don a very pretty floor-length black silk gown, with a low dipped bodice, which beautifully highlights my ample cleavage.  This is it. 
Shit!
  I think I need a glass of Zin... Ah,
WINE,
first.  (No need to hash up those memories tonight.)

 
When I'm significantly buzzed, I decide to jump!  Marcus is in the study down the hall, so as soon as I call his name he'll be here in seconds.  Get ready.  Big breaths.  In and out.  Nice and easy.  Here I go…
     
Dammit!
  Should I call Mack first?  Ah, no. 
Awkward.
  How the hell do I ask Mack for advise on seducing my husband?  Gross.  Kinda funny though.  I can just hear Mack's 'ummms and ahhhs' while he tries to process what I'm asking.  Maybe I can call a Kayla?  Ah, no. Chicago Kayla would probably gag with the way she feels about Marcus, and New York Kayla would probably tell Mack anyway, which would just prompt
him
to call me, and then I'm right back to being awkward with
my
Mack.
  "Suzanne?  Um, what are you doing?"

 
FUCK!
  Scrambling to cover up, I drop my wine glass on the carpet.  God
Dammit!
  "Um...
well,
I was… going to try to seduce you tonight.  Um, now."  What a loser I am
, honestly.
  "Oh. Okay.  Do you want help cleaning up the wine?"
  "Yes, please."
  "No problem." And leaving, Marcus barely looks at me.
  Well, this is certainly
AWKWARD.
  I should've risked it with Mack first.  Okay, so Marcus saw my outfit.  I told Marcus my intention.  He didn't acknowledge my 'seduction' one way or the other, and now he's headed for carpet cleaning supplies.  What the
hell
do I do now?

 
Sitting on the edge of our bed, I wait.  When Marcus returns, he drop to his knees and immediately begins scrubbing the carpet, studiously ignoring me... The big cleavaged- black negligee wearing- slightly drunk- elephant in the room. 
Shit.
  "Marcus?"
  "Just a second Suzanne.  I'm almost finished cleaning this."
  "Marcus?  Please.  Forget the carpet."
  "Red wine stains badly though.   Just give me one more minute."
  "Marcus? 
Please…
"  I say on a sigh.

 
Finally dropping the scrub brush, Marcus exhales as he slowly sits cross-legged and turns his eyes to me.  God, he looks tired, or sad, or maybe bored?  It's just so hard to tell with him.
  "Marcus, do you want to have sex with me?"
  "Of course, Suzanne.  Why would you ask that?"
"Marcus, do you want to have sex with me?"
"Of course.  I just told you I do."
"MARCUS!  Do you
WANT
to have sex with me?"

 
"
NO!
 
Okay?
  I really DON’T Suzanne."  Oh... Whoosh.
  "Um, why?  Is it because of my body?"
  "No,
of course not!
You're
the only one who ever had a problem with your body."  God, he looks flustered.
  "Why then?  It's okay.  Please be honest with me."
  "Suzanne.  I love you, very much in fact.  I have always loved you, but I just don't like having sex with you.  I'm sorry.  Do you really want me to be honest right now?"
  "Yes.  Please Marcus.  Tell me what you’re feeling.  I
need
to know what you're feeling."  Staring at Marcus, there is nothing but a long pause.
  Exhaling, Marcus seems to build up his strength for this bombshell, I think.  Oh, this isn’t going to be good, I can tell.  He’s looking directly into my eyes, but seems to wish he could look away.

 
"Okay, Suzanne.  Fine.  I'll tell you why, but I'm sure you'll freak out and go tell on me to
your
Mack or something.  I'm sure you'll say, and maybe even believe that I'm the bad guy, but it’s just not true.  I'm really not the bad guy here.  Not that
you're
the bad guy, but I just know that I'm NOT the bad guy." Big exhale.
  "Go ahead, Marcus.  Just talk.  I won’t tell on you, or whatever it is you're afraid of." 

 
And another long pause for Marcus. 
Jeez…
this is rare.
  "Suzanne, sex with you has always been awful for me.  Sex was like gross and violent, or something.  And I know you're better now, I do know that.  And I know it wasn't your fault that you were like that, but I just can't think of sex with you any other way.  It's like, I spent so many years dreading having sex with you, that, it’s like, the only way I feel about it now...

 
“…The sex with you was quick and painful, and not just for you.  I don't think you ever realized that
that
sex was kind of painful to my body as well. I hated
thrusting
into you when you were unprepared.  I hated feeling like my own skin was being ripped off, by
your
body.  I hated when it was over, and my own skin was sore and sometimes covered in your blood.  God, it used to make me gag- I hated having your blood on me.  I hated feeling, well,
used
by you, I guess...

 
“…Again, I know NOW that you weren't trying to hurt me, or trying to mess with my head, but it happened anyway.  You physically hurt me too, but mostly you just fucked with my head so badly that I learned to absolutely dread having sex with you."  Wow. 
Really?
  "I'm sorry.  I didn't realize you felt pain as well."
  "How could you?  It's not like you've ever touched my penis before.  You've never even looked at it, I don't think.  My penis-
not me
, was like a means to an end for you, that's all.  When you would demand I
fuck you harder,
I was amazed I could even stay erect long enough to
do it
.  It was just so awful.  I hated you then Suzanne, but only when it came to sex.  The rest of the time I loved you so much, I just tried to ignore the sex part of our relationship."

 
Looking at Marcus' bowed head, I'm stunned.  Here's another worldview of mine destroyed.  It never even occurred to me that Marcus suffered any physical pain.  I knew he suffered emotionally, but physically? I just never thought about it.  He's the man.  I guess I just assumed his body, or I guess, his
penis,
was meant for that kind of brutality.  I didn't realize that if I was tearing open, he might be physically suffering as well.
  When Marcus raises his head he's crying.  Honest to god
tears
are falling down his cheeks.  Wiping them away aggressively (like a man would), he seems to be asking me for something, or, like, waiting for something.  Oh, this is just so awful, and twisted,
and sad.
  "I'm so sorry Marcus.  I honestly didn't realize any of this. You're the man, and I thought sex was always good or something, no matter how hard it was.  It's just, that was my only experience.  Men hurt me when I was young, but they never seemed to feel any pain themselves.  They
enjoyed
tearing me open..."
  "I'm not them, Suzanne!   I never was!"
  "I know!  That's not what I meant.  I meant that my
memory
of my own pain never allowed me to think it could have been painful for you, because it was never painful for
them
."

  "
But
I’m
not them…” Marcus whispers once more.

 
"I know Marcus.  I know that
now
but I didn't know that then.  I'm sorry."  What else can I say?
  After a few much needed breaths, Marcus looks up at me again and seems to resign himself to something.  Now, I
really
don’t want to have sex.  It’s not like I
actually
wanted it to begin with, I just thought we should so we had more of a
real
marriage or something.

 
"Suzanne, I'm just, I don't know.  I'm..."
  "
Fucked up?"
  "Yes.  That's it.  I'm totally fucked up over all this," he laughs a little.
  "I
am
sorry Marcus."
  "I'm not looking for your apologies Suzanne.  This is way more
your
fucked up than mine, but I just wanted you to know that all this shit did mess me up too.  All of it messed me up.  Sometimes, I'm shocked by the depth of the betrayal I feel from you, though it wasn’t your fault.  But especially I hate the betrayal by your parents.  They used me, and hurt me, and made me an accomplice of sorts to everything they were doing to you behind my back.  It's just too much sometimes."
  "Have you talked to Mack about all this?"
  "A little.  It's hard.  I think I want to talk to someone else because he cares so much for you and you for him.  I'm jealous of your relationship, and I'm nervous that he just thinks I'm like this
total asshole
that hurt you for years, because he cares so much for you."
  "Would you like to go to a different counselor?  Maybe a marriage counselor for just you and I?  No Mack involvement?"

 
"You would do that?"  Marcus looks genuinely surprised by my offer. 
  "Of course.  I actually understand what you're saying about the Mack involvement.  It's hard for all three of us I think-
almost
a conflict of interest.  But at the time we started talking together I didn't want anyone else to know what was going on with me, that's why I begged you to talk to Mack, and that's why I begged Mack to talk to you.  But it's okay if you want to talk to someone else.  I get it Marcus.  Mack IS mine
,
and he always will be."
  "Suzanne?  Will
I
ever be the person you love and trust the most?   Will
I
ever be more important to you than Mack is?"
  "Um..." 
Shit!
  What do I say?
  "It's okay.  I just want you to tell me the truth,” Marcus says with tears in his eyes again. 
Jesus!
  This is so hard.
  "I don't think so Marcus, I’m sorry.  It's not like that.  Um, Mack saved me from dying,
twice,
and we have a bond because of it, and also because he has just been so good to me right from the beginning.  I don't think I would be alive now had it not been for Mack.  So, no... I’m sorry, you won't ever be more important to me than Mack is.  But you're still my husband and I'm still here with you, trying
with you
."
  "I hope that’ll be enough, Suzanne.  I'm not sure it will be though."
  "I'm sorry but that's all I can give you, Marcus."
  Nodding his head sadly, Marcus whispers, "I know Suzanne."
  When Marcus stands to leave our room seconds later, I panic for some reason.  Grabbing his arm, I yell, "Don't you want to try sex?" 
Shit.
  "No, Suzanne.  You look very lovely, but I just don't feel that way about you?" 
What?!
   "Like,
ever?
"
  "I don't know," Marcus says shaking his head ‘no’.
  "You never want to have sex with me again?"
  "I don't right now.  I don't know about in the future." 

 
Wow!  What a turn of events.  It’s kind of funny, and ironic, and tragic and just
FUNNY,
actually.
  "Are you going to start having affairs again?"
  "God, no.  That was what
you
wanted, not me.  Remember?"
  "Yes.  But what will you do?  I mean don't you have needs or something?" 
Christ!
 
THIS
is awkward.
  "Not really.  Not anymore.  Can't we just pretend this conversation didn't happen.  I'm happy with the way things have been this last month.  I'm happy with you being home. And I'm happy with where we're at without any sex stuff.  Okay, Suzanne?"
  "Um, sure.  Okay.  If you’re happy..."
  "I am.  I look forward to each day with you.  My days are happy and complete with you back here."
  "
Really?
"  I think I’m shocked by his sincerity.
  "Of course.  Why?  YOU’RE NOT HAPPY?!" Marcus sounds a little panicky too all of a sudden.