I am HER... (71 page)

 
I'm going to Macy's.  It's been almost 9 months since the Macy's Incident and I'm ready to try it again.  It's time.  Being afraid of a department store ranks fairly high on the ‘1-to-10 crazy scale', so I'm taking on Macy's with my sanity intact...
And
with Mack on speed dial,
just in case
.

 
Grabbing my purse, I open the door and I'm stunned!  Walking right into Z, my legs nearly collapse with the collision.  Grabbing my forearms to steady me, I find myself suddenly motionless on a gasp, as I bow my head and close my eyes.

 
This is what I remember.  This is what I remember Z’s hands felt like on me.  This is the grip on my arms I remember.  This is the scent I remember.  This is the warmth I remember.  This is the man I
always
remember.
  "
Oh god...
I wish I could touch you.  I want to know your warmth one more time.  I miss you..." I whisper softly.
  "Suzanne.  I'm here. I'm right here.  Open your eyes, love.  Open for me."  Oh god, his voice.  It's the same rich, beautiful darkness.

 
I can't open my eyes.  I've dreamed of this too many times, and I've begged for him forever.  I can't open my eyes to reality.  He called me ‘love’ and I didn’t freak out or throw-up.  He called me a name, and it doesn’t hurt.  I can’t open my eyes to the pain.
  "Please Suzanne, open your eyes.  I've waited forever to see your eyes on me again.  I've been so patient, but I can't wait anymore. 
Please
Suzanne, open your eyes..."
  "Z.  If I open my eyes do you promise not to touch me?  Do you promise you’ll let me look at you, without fear of you touching me?”

 
"Oh! 
Absolutely.
  Sorry!"  Z sounds positively aghast as he quickly releases my forearms.
  Slowly opening my eyes, I just breathe, and take the sight of Z into my body.  Staring, nothing hurts.  There is no pain and there is no agony.  There is just breath and peace.  I feel free of this memory.  I
AM
free.
  Z's clothes are neat and impeccable, but dark.  Black.  He's wearing my blacks.  Looking; I’m motionless though my breath continues.
  Z's face looks sad though, and he’s so still.  He looks distant.  Maybe he’s frightened?  God, Z looks different.  He seems to have aged some.  He seems so tired.

 
Looking at his lips, I remember their softness.  Looking at his eyes, I remember their dark beauty and intensity, and I remember his eyes smiling at me.  Why are
n’
t his eyes smiling?
  "Z, just breathe for me," I whisper.
  "Oh, Suzanne..." he moans an exhale straight into my body.
  Z looks so unhappy and I wish he was happy again.  I wish his eyes smiled again.  I wish his face wasn't so frozen.  I wish he was free of me.
  "Z, you look so beautiful to me, but
so
sad.  I wish you were happy.  Your happiness kept me alive.  Your light kept me from the total darkness.  I wish you knew your light again.  I am very sorry for the darkness I've caused you."
  "It was never you, Suzanne.  You were
always
lightness for me.  You made me want to turn all
your
darkness into light.  I had hoped I could do that for you."

 
"You did.  You were everything, Z.  I had such peace with you, and I held your peace when I would have given up so many times."
  "Suzanne..."
   When my tears start to fall, I see his concern.  Leaning in, I wrap my arms around his waist, and hold him as tightly as I can.  Resting my cheek against his chest, I want to feel his light again inside me.  Inhaling him; I take in his scent, and his warmth, and his light.
  Gently, Z wraps me up in his embrace as well. I know he’s frightened to touch me, I know he’s scared of my reaction, but it was
never
him.  I never feared
him.
  He was everything I could have ever dreamed of.  He was the only goodness I’ve ever known, from a man who touched me.

  "Z, i
t was always you.  From the moment I heard your smile-voice, I knew it would always be you, whether I could have you or not.  I knew no other man but you, and I've wanted no other man but you.”

 
"Suzanne... I'm yours if you'll take me.  I was always yours.  Everything I've done in the past 9 months has been for you.  Everything I’ve felt in the last 9 months was for you.  It was always about
you,
Suzanne.”

 
Breathing him in, there is still no pain. This is the closest I have been to Z since I broke, and this is the first time the pain is absent.  I’m holding him and breathing him into me. He will
always
be a part of me. 
Forever.
  And now I can finally let him go.
  "I don't feel pain and agony any longer.  I'm better and I'm finally free. 
You’re
free.  I want this for you.  I want you to move on and I want you to live a good life
away
from me.  I'm better, and I am better
because
of you.  You gave me Mack to help me in my darkness, and you gave me your light when I needed it.  It was you that took the steps to help me, and it was you who made the choices that helped me get well."
  "Suzanne,
please?
  It doesn't have to be a goodbye.  This can be our start.  We never really
started;
we just lived quickly and ended horribly.  We can have a start now.  I
want
a start with you.  I've
earned
a start with you, I think.  And you've earned a start to your life. 
Please?
  Please stay and think about starting your new life with me in it?"
  "
Z..."
  Oh,
god.
  I’ve never even pictured this scenario before.  Thinking of Z was always going to be a happy memory, not a reality.  I don’t even know how to process a reality that actually
includes
Z in it. 
  "Suzanne.  Please.  Just think about it.  No force.  No promises.  No pressure or manipulation.  Just think about it.  Meet me at my apartment tonight for dinner.  Just dinner, I promise.  Nothing but a meal together. I just want to know you again. I NEED to know you
now
…  Just dinner.  That's all I’m asking.  You can come to my home, eat or not, stay or go.  It's all your choice.  I'm just asking for one hour of your life. Please, come to my home, and share a meal with me?  And if you need to leave forever; I'll let you go, forever, I promise.  I just need a chance to know you. 
Please Suzanne?
"
  Just Jump!

 
"Okay, Z.  One meal.  One hour.  One..."

 
"Fine!  6:00.  My home.  No expectations and no pressure.  I'll see you at 6:00.  Please, Suzanne?"  Z looks all concerned again.

 
"Okay.  6:00.  I'm fine I promise, but I really need you to go now.  I just want to think for a while.”

 
By the end of my sentence tears are already pouring down my face. 
Dammit.
  I was so strong.  Now, I feel so weak suddenly.  I can’t be weak again.
  "Okay.  I'll see you at 6:00," Z says with a little smile as he turns and walks quickly down the hallway to the elevators.

 
Oh, god. 
I am so lost.
            

 
                                 ==========

 
As Z turns to leave I hear him whisper, ‘I miss you’ and that's my breaking point.  I'm done.  Closing Kayla's door, I collapse and cry.

 
I’ve always wanted someone to miss me.  I had always
hoped
someone would miss me should something bad happen.  But nothing bad has happened to me this time, and I’m actually missed, and it
doesn’t
feel good… it feels
sad.
  I don't want this for Z.  I never wanted this sadness for Z.  He is
meant
for happiness, not sadness.
  Reaching for my cell, I call Mack.  God, I need Mack.  I need him to help me know what to do.  He loves me but he
knows
Z.  If anyone can help me think straight about Z it has got to be Mack.  If Mack can't help me, I'm lost.  This is the one area of my life where I don’t have the ability to work it out on my own.
  "Suzanne?  What's wrong?  Why are you crying?"

 
"Mack.  I'm sorry.  Can you come back to Kayla's, alone?  I need to talk badly.  I just saw Z and I'm kind of messed up, or sad, or desperate, or something..."
  "I'll be there in 20 minutes.  Kayla is at the hospital now, and we'll be alone.  Maybe put on a pot of coffee?"
  "Okay.  Coffee.  Thank you Mack.  I love you."
  "I love you too, Suzanne.  We'll work this out, together.  Just hang tight for me for 20 minutes, okay?"
  "Okay, Mack.  I promise."

   
                                 ==========

 
25 minutes later Mack opens Kayla's door.  Walking straight toward me, I rise from my chair and hug him tight.  It’s feels so good to just hug him.  It feels like it’s been forever since I had a 'Mack hug' though it’s been mere days. 

 
"God, I've missed your hugs, Mack.  You are the only one who I can hug without even a tiny cringe, still.  It's just you.  Even 'The Kaylas' make me cringe slightly, but never you.  Do you know why that is, Mack?  From a Shrink’s perspective, why is it only you that I can freely touch?"
  "Suzanne.  When you had no ability to reason your past from your reality, when you were a scared woman fighting for her life, I just happened to be there.  You needed one person to trust and I was the person you
had
to trust.  That's why you don't cringe with me.  You chose me then to trust when you had no one else you thought you
could
trust."

 
“No.  That’s not right.  No.  I think you're wrong Mack.  It wasn't
just because you were there
. It was just because it was
you
.  Mack, you are everything to me now because you were everything I could have ever needed then."
  "Suzanne.  It's a good thing we don't feel
that way
about each other, because I would be madly in love with you after a comment like that."
  "Oh, shut up, you ass!  You know what I mean," I say while shoving his arms away.
  "I do.  And you know when I'm just teasing you."
  "I do."
  Walking to Kayla's kitchen, I pour Mack a coffee- double milk, one sugar.  As I hand over the coffee, and a few cookies to him. Exhaling, I'm not sure where to begin.  Walking back to the living room, Mack follows silently until I plop into my favorite big purple 'Suzanne chair', as Kayla calls it, and just pause.
  When Mack is about to speak, I hold up my hand to stop him.  Nodding, Mack gets comfy in Kayla's
honest to god,
ORANGE love seat... and proceeds to wait while sipping his coffee. 
  Just do it.  Talk.  This is Mack.  Mack already knows everything about me and he doesn't care about the bad stuff.  Mack has said what was done to me in the past, and even what
I have done
in the past is not
who I am
, or
what I can become
.  Mack is such a good man... and this is why I love him so dearly.
  "Mack... prepare yourself.  This one is gonna be long and intense for me, but probably painful, tedious and exhausting for you.  You may even walk away from me after my request.  I’ll be okay with whatever you do or say, or with how fast you run away."
  "Suzanne, I will never leave you, and I certainly won't
run
from you.  Tell me, or ask me anything.  There is nothing you can do that will be 'painful, tedious, or
exhausting
' for me."
  "Ha!  We'll see..." I say with a grin, as Mack motions with his hands the international sign for 'Bring it on,
sister'
. 
God…
he's just so lovable. 
  Okay.  Jump!  And on a long-winded exhale I begin.

  "Mack, I want passion.  And I don't mean just passion in its most base sense, I mean
PASSION
.  I miss not knowing what I want, but knowing I’m about to get it.  I miss wanting someone so badly that I crave and tingle with desire and excitement.  I miss the passion that manifests itself into a kind of love, so real and so painful that I could breathe within it, and weep while without.” 
  Blushing, I admit to Mack, “I have only had one man do this to me... and though I know he’s gone from my life, I'm not really sure if it’s Z that I fully miss, or rather the experience attached to him that I miss most in my life, but I do think it IS Z, and I do miss him constantly…
  “…Believe me, I’m not suggesting I miss my old life, or that I would dismiss this life- the life I have created finally, on my own, with your help of course, but I do miss the feeling of love- love in its most beautiful, compelling sense.  I miss
feeling
love.  I miss
feeling
.”