I am HER... (74 page)

 
"Are you truly okay Suzanne? 
Really?
  I told you quite of a lot of information, and you're probably suffering from emotional overload, but I just felt it was important for you to know that you
COULD
have the love you want from,
and with
Z.”

 
“I’m okay Mack.  You did good, and I won’t tell Z anything you told me.”

 
“I wouldn’t care if you did.  You’re both my friends and I needed to help you two find each other again.  Plus, there was no Doctor/Patient Confidentiality agreement in place with Z, whether he believes there was or not. So he can't sue me
or
kick my ass for spilling to you."
  Crying again, I whisper, "Thank you, Mack.  You are everything to me, and your kindness has given me my life."
  "Suzanne.  This journey with you has been the absolute greatest joy of my life, thus far."
  "Mack,
please...
You're
killing
me here.  Don't say another wonderful thing.  Please don’t tell me you love me and don’t tell me I’m special.  Please don’t
Mack me
anymore…I'm supposed to meet Z at his home for dinner at 6:00, and I'll still be crying when I arrive in 2 hours, if you don't stop all this amazing, beautiful, crap.  Okay?"

 
"Okay.  I won’t ‘
Mack’
you…” he says with a silly grin,
and
with his damn finger air-quotes.  “But one last thing; Please take everything slowly, for both yourself and for Z.  He has had months of wanting and you have had a lifetime of wanting, so just go slowly.  I don't want you both to be overwhelmed with your happiness.  It's hard, but breathe your way through it and talk to him...
always.
  Tell him
everything
you can,
at all times
. Z wants this to be right, and he’s going to have to be told when you're overwhelmed so that he doesn't feel like he's screwing anything up with you, or that he's asking you for too much, or pushing you too hard.  Believe me, he can handle anything you ask of him, or anything you tell him you need.  Okay?"
  "I will.  I'm going to try to be with Z but I'll definitely talk my way through it with him as we go."
  "Then you two will probably make it through to the other side together."
  "I want that Mack, I really do.  And I'm going to do whatever’s necessary to have the life I want with Z."
  "Good enough."

  "
Thank you Mack.  Thank you again for
everything
, ALL the time.”
  Rising, and making his way to the front door, Mack turns to me once more, and opens his arms for another Mack hug.  Sliding right into place, I squeeze him as tightly as I can, exhaling all the tension, while breathing in Mack's sense of calm.  I'm going to be okay.  I just know it.
  "So, I'll get going.  I'm sure you have all your girly getting ready to do, but know that I'll be with cell phone at the ready should you need to talk, or if you just need a pep-talk tonight.  Anything at all, just call me.  Kayla and I are going to have a quiet night in so feel free to call, or come back anytime this evening.  Oh, and 'Chicago Kayla' is visiting this weekend, so your
Kaylas
are planning a kind of drunken, trash everyone and everything party for the three of you, minus the face punching I hope. 
I,
will clearly be hiding out in my apartment that night though, just in case I've pissed off 'New York Kayla' without my knowledge."
  "I'm sure you have at some point, though
your
Kayla isn't really one to hold her tongue, so I'm assuming you already know if you have,"  I say grinning.
  "So, as I said, I'll be hiding out in my
locked
apartment that night."  Mack says smirking as he turns and leaves the apartment.
  "Oh!  Mack?  If I leave a letter for Marcus, will you please make sure he gets it?  I need to say a proper goodbye to him.  I kind of left things uneasy and I want some closure for him."
  "No problem.  I'm supposed to talk to him on Wednesday.  Maybe it's best if I fax it to him then, so he and I can discuss anything he needs to discuss on Wednesday.  Good enough?"
  "Yes, thank you.  I hate feeling like I've hurt him with all this."
  "Suzanne.  I don't like anyone being hurt either, but it's time you lived life for you now."
  "Thanks Mack.  You're the most amazing, good-looking, dorky doctorly man I've ever known."

 
"I know.  Make sure you tell
my
Kayla that as often as possible for me though."
  "I will.  Good night Mack.  Wish me luck."
  "Good luck, Suzanne.  But I think life is going to be much easier for you, from today forward."  And with one final hug, and a kiss on my cheek, Mack pulls away smiling. 
  Closing the door behind him, I can’t help a slight panic.  Oh god, I hope Mack’s right.  I hope life is easier from today forward.  I almost believe it will be.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I might be happy or at least on my way to
being
truly happy.  It’s quite frightening actually because I’ve never had it before, and I never thought I was the type to live with…
happiness.
  Maybe I
am
meant for a happily ever after.  We’ll see.

Marc
us,
  I want you to know that I’m very sorry for the way things have turned out.  You have been a good husband to me; even if I didn't know that until recently.  I'm sorry marrying me was such a struggle for you.  I know you never wanted to suffer as you have, and for that I'm truly sorry. 
  You can keep the house.  You picked it, bought it, and loved it.  I actually want no part of it.  I'll just pick up my clothing and shoes only, because there's really nothing in that house of any sentimental value to me.
  I really don't know what to say to you anymore.  I think I've said it all.  You were never the problem, as you always told me, and though I
was
the problem, it was unintentional on my part.  You married a damaged woman, and I know I damaged you along the way, so for that, I'm sorry as well.

 
You told me to never come back, and I won't.  There is a different life waiting for me, I just have to figure out what that life is.  And I know there is a
wonderful
life waiting for you.  I know it's just beginning for us, separately, and I look forward to hearing about your future. I honestly would like nothing but happiness and ease in your future.  Maybe one day you will find the peace you desire.  I sincerely hope so.
  Marcus, you are handsome, smart, successful, and kind.  You are everything I should desire, and everything nearly every other woman desires... I'm just sorry there’s too much bad history for us.  I'm sorry that I can't be the wife you want, and I'm sorry I can't love you for the man you are.

 
If my life had been different, I believe I would have been the kind of woman who could have loved you, as you always loved me.  But my life wasn’t different, and this is who I ended up being. So go find that woman you deserve.  Go find some peace…finally. 
  I think that's it.  Please keep in touch.  I want to know how you have fared with all this.  I'm sure we'll see each other during the trials next month, but I would like to see you away from the stresses of the trials as well.  I want to know that you’re okay, when all the dust settles.
I truly, and with much love, wish you well.
Suzanne
 

  Re-reading my letter to Marcus, I'm happy with the final draft. There’s nothing more to say.  There’s nothing more I
can
say.  It's done.  I have to move on.  He has to move on.  I trust Mack to help Marcus understand that he
is
a good man, and that he will be a wonderful husband, to
someone else.

 
And I hope Marcus eventually understands that he was never the problem as he said all along.  He was right-It was
always
me.  I was the problem and now I am fixing the problem.  But sadly, fixing the problem doesn't involve Marcus any longer.

 
I really wish him well, and in a friendly, platonic sort of way, I really do love him.  I just can't love him the way he has always wanted and hoped I would.  I've
never
been able to love him the way he wanted and hoped I would.
  I finally exhale and give closure to the tragic Marcus/Suzanne fantasy that was my life and our marriage.

 
“I'm sorry Marcus, but it's finally over."

 
  It's time to go.  It's time to go get Z.  I know it won't be perfect, and I know it won't be a fairy tale romance, but I think Z and I have a good start, and that's all he has asked of me.  He wants a 'start' and I'm more than willing to give him that.  Actually, with Z, I want more than a start but I'll begin with that.

  The car ride seems long, though I know Kayla and Z live only a few blocks apart.  My nerves are high, and I'm glad I haven't eaten this afternoon.  Throwing up earlier has evacuated my stomach, so it looks good for me.  No vomitus interruptus for Z and I.  Oh!  Ha!  I can still say stupid phrases.  At least that tragic part of my personality has remained intact.  I'll have to share that one with Mack later.  He always enjoys my nonsensical words and stupid phrases.
  Arriving at Z's apartment I'm nervous, but remarkably steady on my feet.  I'm wearing my favorite, fabulous, Vera Wang, black, 4 1/2 inch stacked heels, and I feel safe, secure, sexy, and
tall
in them.

 
My black knee high pencil skirt is paired with a stunning black blouse with red piping along the bodice and cuffs.  I'm proud to be making baby steps with the color red- just little splashes or embellishments here and there.  Nothing too intense, but a little red to keep me moving past the nightmare of my past.
  Once I’m in the elevator my hands begin shaking, but again, I feel nervous
excitement
, not the once familiar nervous dread, as I used to always feel.  Another baby step for me.  I feel like I'm on my way.  Just one more baby step tonight...
Z.
  Knocking on his door, I breathe nice and slow, deep and easy.  I actually feel NO panic still, just excitement and anticipation.  
Argh.
  Hurry
up!
  Open the door Z before the excitement does turn into panic.  As if hearing me, the door slowly opens and my breath seems to whoosh from my lungs.

 
God!  He is
so
beautiful.  All dark, and tall, and so handsome, I want to just grab him and hold on.  He is dressed in blacks again, with a dark grey dress shirt under his suit.  He looks model handsome.  His hair is perfect, and his smile is radiant.
  "Suzanne."
  "Hi, Z.  Um, I'm here."
Duh.
  Okay so I didn't get any smarter since we last met.  Baby steps!

 
Z seems to be watching my reaction to him.  He seems nervous himself.  What do I do? 
Shit.
  Um...
  "Please come in.  Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes.  Would you like a drink while we wait?"

 
Entering his apartment, I mumble, "yes, please."
  Walking into the huge living room, I'm struck with such a déjà vu, of actual memory, that I'm momentarily motionless and silent.  I haven't been here since the suicide attempt and I'm not sure how comfortable Z is with me even here.  Is he thinking about it as well?
  "Suzanne.  Would you like to leave?  I completely understand if you do.  We could have dinner elsewhere or another night if you'd be more comfortable.  I realize I sprung this on you this afternoon."
  "No!  I'm good.  It's fine.  I want to be here. 
Honestly!
"  Calm down.  Catch your breath,
Psycho.
  "Okay.  Well, please have a seat.  What can I get you to drink?"
  "Um,
Zinfandel?"
  "Of course," he grins.
  As he walks back to the little bar, I find a comfortable seat beside his large couch.  I'm not ready to sit beside him yet, and I need to get my bearings for a minute.  While waiting for Z, I notice the room is different.  The colors are similar, but different than before.
  "You've redecorated."
  "Yes.  I changed the entire apartment.  I didn't feel comfortable here any longer, therefore I needed to either change it or move, so I opted to change the décor,
for now
."
  "Because of what I did here?" 
SHIT!
  Did I just ask that?
  "Yes, partially.  I never did like the decor though, and the colors were a carry-over from the previous owners, so I wanted to change the apartment anyway."
  "The previous owners?  You mean your parents?"  Jesus
Christ
!  Shut UP!
  "Yes, them.  I've opted to have very little to do with them, and their history, so a change was definitely needed."
  "I'm sorry.  I seem to have lost the ability to think before I speak over the last 6 months or so.  Please forgive me."
  "No forgiveness needed.  I truly hope you've lost any and all filters.  I always wanted to know what you were thinking, good or bad, so
hopefully
your inability to think before you speak will make that easier for me.”  And there’s his perfect
smile-voice
.