I am HER... (77 page)

 
With tears flowing, I whisper, "Thank you for saying that.  You’re the only one who has ever acknowledged the marks and scars.  You're the only one who loved my body, even when I couldn't."
  "Oh, I'm going to love your body, I promise you that." Wow!  That was so sexy!
  Taking my hand, Z leads me to his bed.  Pushing the duvet aside, Z once again, lifts my body onto his bed.  I am weightless in this moment.  I have no thoughts, or fears.  I know nothing but anticipation.  So rising to my knees, I kiss Z with everything I have.  I want him to feel how special he is to me.  I want him to feel my past and our future.  I want him to feel my love.
  "Suzanne.  It's you.  It will always be only you for me.  I need to hold you.  I need to love your body, so you know how much I love
you.
  Please Suzanne.  Please let me love you."
  "I want that. I want to be with you.  I want to love you Z, I really do."
  As Z crawls toward me, I lie back on his bed.  Leaning over me, Z settles into the space my thighs provide, takes my face into his hands, and kisses me with such sweetness, I once again cry from the immense love I feel.
  Pulling from my lips, Z slips his hands behind my back, unhooks my bra, and slowly pulls it down my body.  Watching me closely, as he always seems to do, I smile to reassure him. 
I'm here
and I'm good.  I’m
very
good.
  "Touch me Z.  Take me into your mouth again.  I love you touching me."
  Bending his head, Z takes my breast and slowly nibbles, and licks, and suckles me. Writhing against his body, I pull his head closer to me.  Turning slightly, Z moves with me to our sides.  I love this. This position is new for me.  This is the
new
Suzanne.  This is our new love.  Turning me onto my stomach, Z begins kissing my neck and shoulders.

 
Moving down my body, I feel his hands under my panties, touching and caressing, while slowly removing them.  Kissing down my body Z breathes, "Turn over for me Suzanne."
  Once I turn over, Z moves further down my body as I shake with anticipation.  God, I want his mouth on me. I want to feel his mouth again. 
  "
Please...
Z," I beg.

 
Moving between my thighs again, Z takes me into his mouth.  Oh
GOD!
  This is so amazing.  My whole body lights up.  Every nerve ending is stimulated.  Writhing against his mouth, I moan loudly.  When I feel the slow impale of his fingers, I’m done. Gasping, I grab his head and force him deeper into me.

 
This is incredible, even better than I remember.  As his tongue and fingers work me, I find I mimic his movements with my hips.  My thighs are wide and my feet seem to push me into his mouth as deeply as I can.  I couldn't stop this if I tried.
  Suddenly, I'm struck with the thought that there is no shame or embarrassment.  And there is no pain.  There is only this; Z and I loving
together
.  The passion and the pleasure are so great, I'm overwhelmed by sensation.
  "Z... I'm almost, I, oh
GOD!
"

 
What did he do?  I don't care! 
Oh. My.
God.
  My whole body burns with the need to release.

 
"Z?  Oh
god.
  I'm going to cum!"  I can't believe I said that word
OUT LOUD
, and
I don't care!
  "Be with me, Suzanne.  Right now, love."
  Screaming, my whole body tenses and then... I release.  My whole body burns with release.  My tears flow and my gasps continue.  I am with Z, and he is giving to me again.

 
"OH GOD!  I'm free, Z.  I'm free.  There's nothing else but you and I.  I can't feel anything or
anyone
but you..." Sobbing, I reach for him to pull him to my mouth.
  Kissing him hard, I'm desperate to feel him inside me.  I want him to have my pleasure.  I want him to have all the love I can give him.  I actually want to be
his
pleasure.
  "Z come into me.  Make love with me.   I want you and I want this.  I never thought I could have you again, I never thought you would want me again.  Z, please be inside me."
  "I have to grab a condom."
  "No!  I'm okay.  It’s fine.  Come into me; be with me just like this, right now."
  "Suzanne... I love you so much."
  "Please don’t talk, just
be
with me."
  Kissing my lips once more, pressing his weight against my body, Z moves slowly into place.  Gently against my body, Z pauses at my crest, and wraps his arms under my shoulders, holding me closer to him.  I can barely breathe, but I feel so free, so safe.  There is no panic.  There is no pain.
  "Suzanne, when was the last time?  Ah, you’re so tight.  I don't want to hurt you.”

 
"It was you, Z.  My last time was with you.  For months and months you were my last memory, my
only
good memory.  I have never had sex with anyone since you.  I’ve never made love with anyone
but you
, my whole life,"  I whisper.
   "Oh, Suzanne..." Z moans.
  Moving once more, Z finally begins his slow rocking into me.  There is a tugging feeling, but no pain.  He isn't hurting me at all.  I'm actually enjoying the tugging and the pull.  Finally, he is seated deep inside me.  Finally, we both exhale. 
  "Suzanne?  Will you stay with me?  I want to marry you, and have a life with you.  I
need
to have a life with you.  Will you please stay with me?"
    "Yes..."
    Kissing my lips again, I feel Z's smile against my mouth.  I feel his pleasure in his movements.   I feel his love all around me, inside me, and outside our little haven.  I have Z, completely.
  For hours we seem to move in a steady rhythm of enter, retreat, lift, and move.  We move sideways, and back and forth.  We move together.  I even seem to know what he likes, and he knows
exactly
what I like.
  When I'm exhausted and building toward another climax, Z finally increases our movements.  The speed is never overwhelming to me, but it’s absolutely
desired
by me.  I need him slightly harder and definitely faster.  I need more.  I want this to be complete between is. 
  "Z, I need more.  Please finish this.  Please touch me and take me over with you.  I want to climax with you. 
Please.
"
  "Suzanne, I'm dying to finish inside you.  You’re my first,
ever.
”
  Speeding up the movements, Z touches me that one amazing touch, and my whole body tightens.  Oh my
GOD!
  It's time.  Panting, I feel the rising pressure.  I'm suffering the tightening of everything inside me.  I'm ready, but I just need...  And then he does that other touch-thing to me...
   "OH.  MY GOD!  Z!" I'm screaming, and actually kind of grunting.  Jesus
Christ!  Grunting?
  "
Shit!  Suzanne
… "  And grabbing me up into his arms, kissing my lips hard, I feel Z erupt inside me.
  Turning us, I land again on Z's chest, with him still inside me.  Once again, I am weightless, and boneless.  I can’t think clearly.  I can barely breathe.

 
"That was
AWESOME!
"  I giggle at my own stupidity.
  "It really was, Suzanne.  You’re amazing and I love you.  I really do, you know?  It's always going to be you Suzanne.  Forever.  Please don't ever push me away again, I won't survive it.  Tell me when you need space. Tell me when you need a break.  Tell me anything and everything, but please Suzanne, I'm begging you, don't ever push me away again.  We can move slow.  I’ll talk to Mack.  I’ll do anything and everything to make this work, but please don’t push me out of your life again?"
  "Okay."  And that's it.  That's all I can say.
  Tucking me into his chest, Z wraps us in his duvet, and I feel myself being pulled into sleep.  I want to fight it but I'm just so tired, and like,
free
.  I'm safe, and weightless in Z's arms.
  "Sleep Suzanne.  When you wake up, I'll feed you, and we can talk about all the details later.  Okay?"
  "Okay.  Good Night, Z."
  "Good Night, Suzanne."  And there it is.  I hear his smile-voice.

                             
==========

 
When I wake up, it's nearly midnight.  Z is still holding me, while playing with a strand of my hair.
  "Hi."
  "Hi, back,"  I croak. 
Jeez,
it must've been that back-arching scream of mine. 
  "Let's go to the kitchen and scrounge up some food."
  "Yes, please.  I'm starving."
  Handing me his robe, I quickly cover up and tie the sash tight.  Old habits die hard.  I'm much better, but
as if
I'm going to walk around
naked
.  Z's robe is huge on me but I'm covered, and it carries his scent, which I love, so I don't really care what I look like. 
  In the kitchen, Z makes us grilled cheese sandwiches.  We didn't put away any of the food before we, ah, went to the bedroom, so nothing is really edible.  Smiling, this is the absolute best grilled cheese I've ever had in my life.
  "You're smiling."
  "I am.  This is the tastiest grilled cheese I've ever eaten."
  "Oh, that's the only reason you're smiling?"
  "Ah huh.  Why?  Should there be some other reason?"
  "Are you teasing me, Suzanne?"

  
"Yup.  I like teasing you, and Mack has given me lots of ammunition, so prepare yourself.  This new and improved Suzanne is much more relaxed, and
much
cheekier.  Do you think you can handle that?"
  "Bring it on, love.  I'm sure I could teach you a thing or two..."
  "Um, you already have, Z.  Some of your bedroom tricks could actually cause my filthy authors to blush, I think."
  "Are you grinning at me Suzanne?"
  "Ah huh."
  "Can you say much more than 'Ah huh'?"
  "Yes...  But I'm just remembering a particularly interesting bedroom trick from earlier, so you'll have to excuse my distraction."
  "I see.  Well then, I'll ask one simple question, so you can get back to your memories.  Would you like to live here with me or would you like to move into another apartment?  Or, if you want, we can move to Chicago, but I thought you might be more comfortable away from Chicago.  But the choice is yours.  I'll go wherever you want.  Or we can live separately until you’re ready for more.  I can be as slow as you need, or we can start today
.  I’m
ready for today, but I can give you time and space, if you need it."

 
"Yes, I'd like to live here with you, if that's okay.  But I need a few days.  Maybe I’ll just stay at Kayla’s for a few days, just so I don’t become too overwhelmed. Is that okay?"
  "It’s more than okay.  Stay with me when you’re ready.  I can wait.  Once we live together, we can move whenever, or
if ever
you change your mind and need to move from here.  I really don't care.  I need you to understand that.  This is just an apartment to me now.  I have no emotional attachment to it, other than its attachment to you."
  "Okay."  And finishing my grilled cheese, I try to think of what my first step should be.  What my first
baby
step should be.
  "Suzanne?"
  "Yes?"
  "Do you love me?"
  "Desperately."
  "Do you think you will desperately love me for a long,
long
time?"
  "Absolutely.  And you?  Can you love me for a long,
long
time, Z?"
  "Absolutely."
  "What do we do now?"
  "We go back to bed.  And in the morning, we have coffee, and breakfast, maybe make love again, and then we talk about some of the bigger issues."
  "Like?"
  "Marcus."
  "That's no longer an issue.  I've said my goodbye.  I said it in Chicago, before I fled for Kayla’s, and then I wrote a letter earlier which Mack will give to him.  Marcus and I are over, and we would have been over whether you and I had gotten together or not.”

 
"'Gotten together'?  I think the proper term is called
engaged
, but ‘
are
together’ works just as well, I suppose."

 
"Did you propose to me, Z?"

 
"Don't you remember my proposal, Suzanne?"
  "
Vaguely.
  I was quite distracted at the time with the other things you were doing to my body.  I could barely focus on listening to you speak." 
  "I see.  Well then, I guess I'll have to propose again when you're not quite so distracted."
  "Okay."
  "Good."

 
“Z?  If I
did
agree to some future hypothetical proposal, do I have to become Mrs.
Zinfandel?
”  I smile.