I am HER... (75 page)

 
"I've missed that Z- your
smile-voice.
  I always loved hearing it.  I know I've told you that before, but I just thought you should know; that even then, it was pretty special to me when I heard your smile-voice."
  "And I'm sure you remember me telling you that I like that very much.  I like that my 'smile-voice' pleases you."
  Handing me a glass of Z's finest Zinfandel I'm sure, there seems to be a giant pause in the room.  I don't know what to say, and I don't think Z knows what he
CAN
say.  It's very awkward suddenly.
  "Um, Z?  You can just talk to me.  I'm much better now, and being with The Two Kaylas frequently has definitely kicked my ass back into the land of the living.  I rarely freak out now, and I won't break easily.  You can, like, say stuff to me, if you
want
to.  Um, when I
can't
handle something, or when something is starting to bother me, now I actually just say so...  I rarely have panic-attacks now, and I rarely go off the deep end… I just thought you should know that you don't have to be careful or anything.  I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable, and I'll tell you what I think or what I feel about stuff. Oh, and apparently I ramble now too."  Giggle.  Shit, I'm such a dork now.... "And apparently I'm a dork now too.  It must be all the time I spend with Mack.  His dorkiness has kind of worn off on me some."  And there’s another giggle.
  "Suzanne, I'm very happy to hear all that, without of course the dorky Mack inclusion.  One dorky friend is about as much as I can take, though if he has helped you I'll take any and all of his dorky idiosyncrasies any day.  I'm very happy that you’re doing so well.  I had hoped you would.  I wanted you healthy and strong, and you sound like you're making your way."
  "Oh, I am.  I'm
barely
crazy now.  Mack says I'm now like a low 3 on the 1-to-10 Crazy Scale.  So that’s a definite improvement from the 10 out of 10, I was rockin’ a few months ago."
  "I see.  And where does Mack fit on the ‘1-to-10 Crazy Scale’?"
  "Oh.  Mack's a solid 2.  He's just crazy enough to get me, but not crazy enough to get kicked out of 'shrinking'.  It's a fine line the poor man has to walk... You know, crazy enough that he understands what the hell us previously crazy folk are saying, but sane enough to know how to medically treat us.  It's a talent, really.  Actually, he should be held to a much higher regard than the New York Psychiatric Association actually carries him by."

 
"Well, I'll definitely speak to the board then, based on your references."
  "Thank you, please do.  And also, um, thank you Z for giving me Mack.  He was exactly what I needed, when I needed him."
  "No thanks required."
  "Actually, Z,
all
my thanks are required and
deserved.
"
  "Suzanne, that's..."

 
"Please let me finish this..." I plead.
  "Okay."
  "Z, I know everything you did.  I know all of it now.  And before you curse Mack, know that he only told me today when I begged him for help and clarity.  Mack never betrayed a confidence as far as I know
until
today.  Today, he finally told me everything you did, ONLY because it was the right thing to do. He knew it was time for me to know what I was running from.  He knew I needed to understand you, and all that you had done and continue to do for me, and even for others, it seems...

 
“…I know everything now.  And though this isn't the time to discuss all the ins and outs of what you've been doing for me, I do think it is the time for me to give you my sincerest, most heartfelt thank you.  And I mean it Z, thank you for
everything
.  I'm sure I could say much more, and I probably will say
a lot
more later, but I just wanted to say a simple thank you before we have dinner.  Okay?"
  "Okay.  But we can talk about all this later if you’d like, or not at all. Either way, I'm fine.  I just wanted you better and if I helped with that at all, then I'm thrilled and no thank you’s are necessary."
  "You did help.  It was because of you that I became well."
  "
Oh, Suzanne
… then I'm very happy.  I want you well,
and
fed... Shall we eat?"  He's grinning again?  God, he's just so handsome.
  "Please.  I'm starving.  I didn't eat all day, so I wouldn't throw up when I saw you... OH! 
Because of nerves!
  NOT because you make me vomit!"  Oh
Christ!
  I am such a moron
, honestly.
  "Thank you for the clarification.  Not many men can handle knowing they make a beautiful woman vomit, me included.  So let's go eat, before you do decide to throw up."
  "Okay.  Thank you."
  Walking beside Z feels comfortable, and yet, there’s a tension between us.  I feel like I should
do
something or say something. Or just like stop the tension somehow.

 
Turning toward Z, I simply wrap my arms around his waist again.  Breathing in his heavenly scent, I just exhale the tension.  Noticing Z so still against me, I whisper, "You can hug me back, Z.  I'm okay."
  "Oh,
god...
Suzanne..."  He breathes as he wraps his arms tightly around me.
  Holding me, neither of us move.  I just can't.  I don't want to break this spell.  Z is perfect against me.  He
feels
perfect against me.  I have never felt such comfort and peace in my life. Mack gives me comfort, but in a wholly innocent, reserved way.  Z gives me comfort that is wholly complete.  It's like I can feel his life wrapped around me.

 
"Suzanne... Can we
please
eat dinner now before I make a very
unmanly
ass of myself all over your shoulder...?" 
What?
  Pause.  Giggle.
  "No problem, Z.  Though I do find it hard to imagine you ever
‘unmanly’."
  "Believe me, I've had my moments."

 
"Okay.  Well, let me go, and we'll talk about those
unmanly
moments after dinner if you want."
  "Good.  I hope you’re hungry?"  He asks while finally releasing me.
  Grabbing his hand, which seems to startle Z for an instant, I make my way to his dining room.

                                 ==========

                         
  Holy
SHIT!
  What did he do?
  "What is...?
Um...?"
  "I didn't know what you wanted to eat so I had a chef friend of mine prepare everything I could think of.  We have all the necessary staples, so I figured there had to be something you would want to eat."
  "Wow.  I'm sure there is."
  Suddenly, a very handsome man walks out of Z's kitchen smiling at me, while holding his hand out for an introduction. 
Awesome,
I didn't flinch at the sight of a strange man coming toward me.  The baby steps are working.
  "Marty, this is Suzanne."
  "Hi, Suzanne, it’s nice to meet you.  I hope you enjoy your rather bizarre dinner menu, all at Z’s request, of course.  I wouldn't dream of serving anything so peculiar, but hey, that's Z for you."

 
"Thank you.  It all looks wonderful,
and amusing
.  It's nice to meet you, too."
  "Enjoy.  I'm out of here.  Z?  If you ever tell anyone I prepared this dinner, I'll gladly kick your ass.  Understood?"
  "Of course.  Thanks Marty.  I'll see you out."
  With a smile and nod in my direction, Marty and Z leave me to stare slightly dumbfounded at the dining room table.  Holy
shit.
  Z has everything.  Looking at all the food, I'm starving but I can't even figure out where to begin.
  When Z returns, he motions for the chair at the end of the table.  Joining him, I sit as he pushes my chair in.  Placing my napkin in my lap, I still just kind of stare at the food.  Where do I even begin? 
  "How long have you known the chef? 
Marty?
"
  "He and Mack have been my best friends for years."
  "Marty, Mack, and Marvin?" I giggle.
  "And anyone wonders still, why I prefer Z."  No kidding.  "So, I had Marty prepare everything.  We have steak and Lobster.  Mashed potatoes, asparagus, and green beans.  We have two kinds of salad; chef and Caesar.  There’s lasagna, and a delicious cheese and mushroom ravioli.  There’s chicken parmigiana with fettuccini alfredo, and last but certainly not least, we have cheeseburgers, with fries,
naturally.
  So?  What do you feel like?"
  "Ah, besides laughing my ass off at this absurdity of a meal, and crying my eyes out for your kindness, I kinda feel like a cheeseburger with fries,
of course..
.  though maybe I'll add a chef salad to balance it out a little."
  "Let me get it for you.  Excellent choice by the way.  I was dying for a cheeseburger myself.  Please laugh all you want, Marty certainly laughed at me, but if you start crying over this
kindness
I may not make it through dinner  without crying myself in the most
unmanly
way I mentioned earlier.  And I wouldn't want that for either of us.  I look simply dreadful after crying, my eyes all puffy, and my cheeks all red..."
  That's it! 
I'm done
.  My Laughter bursts forth.  Z said that so dramatically, I couldn’t help it.  He is too funny.  He's like this little gift for me.  He brings out my
real
laughter like Mack does.  The laughter I didn't even know I had for the last 20 years of my life.  He gives me light, and some peace within my storm.  He is a gift to me.  Slowly, my laughter turns to tears of...
gratitude?
  "Z, you are an
absolute joy
and a gift to me, I know that.  And I want you to know that I'm aware of the gift you are."

 
"Suzanne, please…  I didn’t mean to make you sad, I was just..."
  Rising from my chair, I step to him and kneel on the floor beside him.  "I know what you were doing.  It's the same as you've always done.  Your kindness and light know no bounds when it comes to me, and I'm not sad.  I'm crying because of the light, and the peace, and because of the
love
you give to me.  I know, Z.  I really do understand."

  "Suzanne.  Please don't kneel.  I don't want that.  I've never wanted that.  I want you beside me only, equal with me, together.  I want to adore you, not hurt you or subjugate you.  Please stand up, Suzanne."
  Rising, I can't stop myself.  Sitting in Z’s lap, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and squeeze.  Squeezing him so tightly because I feel such happiness.  I feel completed.  I feel closure from the nightmare.  I feel peace in this moment.
  "Z?  Would you please make love
with
me?  I can finally say that now.  I want you to be
with
me.  I need you to be
with me.
  I know now, well actually I
understand
now that you never had sex
TO me,
like I always felt before you.  I know that when we were together, you thought you
were
with me, even though I was unsure and unaware of the difference at the time. Please, Z?"

 
“Suzanne, I can’t, um…” 
WHAT?!

 
“You can’t?”  Holy
shit! 
I am such a
loser!

 
“I mean,
I can,
but I just can’t
right now
.  There is so much I have to say to you.  There are so many things we need to talk about.  I need to tell you things.  I need…”

 
“Z, please.  We can talk forever if you want.  Please don’t do this to me right now.  I’m feeling so insecure right now.  I want to… actually, I’m just going to go now, if that’s alright?”

 
And standing I try so hard to keep in the pain.  I don’t want to cry again. I don’t want Z to see that he’s hurt me.  I don’t want Z to see how weak I can still be.  I am so embarrassed, I could die.  Not that I want to die, but I think this embarrassment just may kill me.

 
“Suzanne, wait!”  Z says while grabbing me around my waist. “Wait! 
Please…
  I
can
have sex with you-
make love with you
. I
want
to make love with you, but I just need to talk a little first.  I can’t be with you before I talk to you about what we were like before.  I have to talk to you, that’s all.  Please, just give me a minute.”

 
“Okay,”  I breathe on an exhale.

 
I can hear the defeat in my own voice.  I can hear the embarrassment, and I can hear the pain.  This is awful.  I can’t believe I’ve thrown myself at two men in as many months, and both have turned me down.  This is so humiliating.