I am HER... (45 page)

 
"Yes, please..."  Gasp.  Oh
god.
  "It hurts... my head… so bad."
  Walking to me, Mack sits on the side of my bed.  Pushing me forward so my head hangs, he begins rubbing slow circles on my back.  It feels okay, kind of good, actually.  He's not creepy, or
pervy.
  "Breathe as slowly as my movements.  The panic attack is fading now.  Breathe slowly.  Would you like me to get Z?  He told me he has often helped you through these..." 
What else has Z told him?
  "Yes, p-
please
."
  Leaving my side, Mack walks to the door, and I suddenly panic again. 
Shit!
  Is he coming back?  Oh god, please come back...  But seconds later, Z pushes the door open.  Striding to me quickly, he practically jumps onto the bed, and takes my face in his hands.

 
"Breathe slowly, sweetheart.  Listen to my voice, and breathe with my breaths.  Okay?"  I nod.
    "I didn't think M-Mack was coming b-back.  I didn't think you… would be back."  Gasp.
  "Stop, love.  I will always come back, and Mack wouldn't leave you when you're in trouble.  He
is
a doctor after all."  Is he joking with me?
  "He's a d-doctor who uses ‘f-finger
air
quotes...’"  Giggle.
  "Ah, yes...
those.
  I've often told him about them, and how they went out in the 90's, but sadly, they persevere."  Z smiles.
  "That's what I s-said to him!"  Another giggle.
  "Um, hi.  I
am
in the room."  Mack says, with his own kind of smile-voice.
  "We know.  I think I'm just hoping you drop the quotes, finally, if we keep mocking you for a bit.  Right, sweetheart?"
  "I think so.  I'm really sorry Mack, b-but they have
got
to go."  More giggles escape between my gasps.
  "Okay.  I'll work on it, I promise."  Now, he’s laughing with us.  This feels great.
  "Thank you Mack for staying, and for trying to help me, and for being nice and rubbing my back and everything.”  Big long breathe in and out. “I'm sorry I got so angry with you.  I'm not sure why I did that. It's weird, but I didn't really feel like that was me, at all.  I just know your silence was bothering me very much.  I hated the feeling of talking and having you just sit there, staring at me.  I hope you can forgive me?  Please, don't be mad at me, Mack.  I like you, I think.”
  "Of course I forgive you.  But I have to say, for this to work, for Z and I to help you, you’re going to have to talk to me.  You're going to have to access memories I think you have buried deeply within your unconscious.  You will have to trust us, or rather
me
, specifically, because I'm the doctor who can
and will
help you...

 
“
…
You have to realize and believe that no matter what you say to me, no matter what you remember, I am NOT going to judge you nor will I think badly of you.  Z can stay for parts, or all, or none at all.  Whatever YOU are comfortable with, but I
need
your honesty.  I need you to trust me with
your honesty.  I cannot repeat anything you tell me, unless you allow me to do so.  And I cannot betray your secrets, or your memories, unless you let me use them to help you.  But Z is not held by the same standard…”  Z suddenly jumps from my bedside.

 
“…Wait!  Let me finish, Z.  I'm not suggesting for a moment that Z
would
betray you either...
However,
Z is not legally bound to keep your secrets as I would be, as your physician.  Z is emotionally invested, and as such, he may find it difficult to keep your secrets.  He may want to lash out at the individuals involved.  Isn't that right, Z?"  Shit.  Z exhales and nods, but doesn't speak.

 
"…I am a doctor, and yes, your friend, but a doctor first, therefore, absolutely
anything
you tell me stays between us.  It’s called ‘Doctor/Patient Confidentiality’.  Period.  Unless again, you allow me to use anything you tell me to help you work with
,
or against your family.”

 
So, I can tell him anything?  I’ve never done that before.  I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone, ever about ‘stuff’.  I just kind of hide what I’m thinking.

 
“Can you trust me?  Can you trust me and/or Z with your secrets, so that you can be helped?  You can think about this if you need to.  You can do whatever you want to do.  I am
only
your Doctor while you’re here in this hospital.  Once you leave I will no longer be your physician, but I can be, if you trust me, and
choose
me to be…  which I hope you will."
  Wow.  Mack sounds so sincere.  He held eye contact the entire time with me, and I barely squirmed.  He seems so nice and real and safe, I think.  I don't actually think he’ll hurt me, like Z hasn't.  I don't think Z will hurt me, and I don't think Mack will hurt me.  What a strange feeling.  I have never felt this before.  I'm not anxious to lie, or omit information so that they like me.  I feel like they honestly
do
like me.  I want to ask,
'why?'
, but I won't.

 
This feeling is new, and kind of
good
.  I want to just trust them.  I want to jump.  I want to have two friends, who
want
to be my friends.  This is all so new and very strange. 
  As a nurse walks in, she begins checking all my monitors.  Taking my temperature, asking a few questions, she’s nice enough that I don’t feel bothered when she touches me.  The room is silent while she tends to me. 
No, I'm not hungry.  No, I don't need anything.
 
Ew,
I have a catheter.

 
I try to answer her as best I can, but I'm thinking too much.  Do I?  Don't I?  What do I do?  Once she finally leaves my room…
  Jump!
  "Okay.  I want you to be my doctor, and my friend.  And I'll try really hard to be good for you Mack."
  "You don't have to try, you
are
good.  And I'm honored that you trust me enough to allow me to be your physician.  You’re going to get through this, I promise.  But honestly, it's going to be hard sometimes, and you're going to want to stop, but you can't stop.  Can you do that?  Can you continue with me, even when it's difficult?"
  "I'll try really hard, Mack.  I promise."  I will try this time
, for real.
  "Good enough.  Look, it's very late, and you must be exhausted.  I have to start all the medical proceedings, and I have to begin the transfer injunction, so I suggest you sleep now.  I'll be back early in the morning to speak with you.  Is that okay?"
  "Yes, please.  I feel very tired."
  "Okay, good.  Well, sleep well tonight.  I'll see you in the morning.  The surgeon on call will be by a little later with the MRI results for you.  You may as well sleep in the meantime."
  "Okay.  Thank you, Mack."
  As Mack rises from his chair and makes his way to the door, there is a giant
elephant
in the room- 
Z.
  I'm not sure what to say or do, even Mack looks at Z, like he’s uncomfortable with him staying in my room.  This is so awkward suddenly.
  "I'm just going to stay a few minutes.  I want to see you rest, and then I'll leave, okay?"
  "Um, sure."  Looking at Mack, I see him nod at Z, and then he smiles at me as he leaves the room.
  "Don't worry, sweetheart.  I'm not staying.  I just wanted to tuck you in."  He's grinning?
  "Okay... Thank you." 
  "I'm very happy you're going to work with Mack.  He is a wonderful physician, a very good man and a very good friend to have.  I trust him completely, and I think you’ll come to trust him as well."
  "I hope so, Z."  Oh
god,
I hope so.
  "Can I get you anything before I leave?"
  "No, thank you.  I just want to sleep now.  Okay?"
  "Absolutely.  I'll be back in the morning, but should you need anything, or if you wake in the night and need to talk, feel free to call my cell,  anytime.  My cell number is beside your phone, here."
  "Thank you… for
everything
, Z."
  "No problem, sweetheart.  Good night."  And leaning in, Z gives me a light kiss on my Lips.  Oh.  I miss kissing Z.  How long ago was that?  When did I kiss him last?  I can't remember what day it is.  Should I ask?  No- that’ll make me seem weird, I think.
  "Always thinking... You really need to rest, love.  Can you try?  For me?  I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a big day for you, and you should be well rested.  I'll be here, or I'll leave according to whatever you want or need.  But I beg you to try to sleep now."
  "I will, I promise.  I feel absolutely exhausted."
  "Sleep well, sweetheart.  I'll see you tomorrow."

 
As Z stands to leave me… Wow!  PANIC!  Please stay!  Oh, I don't want to be alone. 
Shit.
  What if my parents return to get me in the night?  What if Marcus returns and demands my release? 
Shit.
  How will I fight them?  I don't even think I can walk properly yet. 
Please Z!  Don't leave me. 
  Looking at Z, I can't ask.  I want to beg him, but it isn't right.  He should leave and rest himself.  He should go back to his large red and burgundy bed.  He
should
leave.  Oh god, I want him to stay with me so badly, it kind of hurts actually.
  "I have an idea.  Why don't I just rest in this chair here tonight?  It isn't the first time I've slept in it during the last two weeks.  I even have a spare blanket in your little closet.  Would that be all right with you?"
  As tears begin falling from the glasses, I whisper, "Yes, please... Thank you."
  "Sleep, sweetheart.  I'll just pull up my favorite faux leather hospital chair.  It's remarkably comfortable, I'll have you know."  Is he grinning again?  "Close your eyes, and no more tears tonight, okay?"
  "Okay.  Good night, Z."
  As I watch Z settle into the chair, tossing the blanket over his legs, I am stunned by him.  He acts like he isn't even doing me a kindness, but I know he is.  I am very aware of his kindness toward me.

 
"I will never,
EVER
forget all you’ve done for me, Z.  No matter what happens, you will always be the single most wonderful person I have ever known…" I whisper.
  "Nothing will happen that you don't choose.  And I am kind to you because I want to be, because I
need
to be.  I owe you that, at least.  Please close your eyes, sweetheart.  For me?"
  "Okay.  Goodnight."

 
And closing my eyes, I think of my awakening today.  So much is still fucked up, but it seems like maybe there can be a little hope somewhere.

 
I think Mack understands what my family is
really
like, and what I'm up against.  And he seems like he’s ready and willing to help me fight them, too.
  And then there’s Z.  He’s still here, for whatever reason.  Still smiling, and still laughing with me.  He’s still kissing my lips, and acting like he actually wants to be here.  He’s still calling me 'Sweetheart' and he’s still kind and wonderful.

 
Why is he here?  What did he mean by 'he owes me'? He owes me
nothing,
but I owe him
everything.
  "Stop thinking.  Sleep, sweetheart."
  Grinning I close my eyes tightly, exhale, imagine the Relaxation Response as Z taught me, and slowly feel the pull toward sleep.

 
I know I'm almost there.  I know I'm falling...

   
                              CHAPTER 23
 

  My night was filled with endless interruptions.  Many doctors and nurses constantly in and out of my room with many, many questions, followed seemingly minutes later with many, many follow-up questions.  Apparently my surgery was a complete success, and things look good for me and my recovery.  Blah.  Blah.  I just wanted to sleep.
  Every time I was interrupted, or the door banged open, or the lights from the hall momentarily blinded me, Z was there.  Every time I looked to his chair, he was watching me until I made eye contact and then he smiled at me in reassurance.  He never left. He was always right there beside me.
  God, Z would be so
easy
to love, I think.  He would always make me feel special, I think.  He would always make me
feel,
I think.  Z would be the happiest my life could ever be.

 
I know deep down it can’t happen between us, and I'm sure he wouldn't really want it to... but just thinking about loving Z makes me feel such happiness and pleasure, it's like I'm light, or elated, or whole, or something that resembles all those words together.  I can't even describe it properly.