How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (18 page)

— Coerced into complying with wishes of parents

•
Are neglected
by or inappropriately controlled by one or both parents

— Ignored or made to feel insignificant

— Held responsible for meeting the emotional needs of parents

•
Are systematically shamed
or put down

— Humiliated in front of others or made to feel like a bad person

— Called degrading names or constantly criticized

•
Come from demanding homes

— Unable to please parents

— Expected always to excel and never to make mistakes

•
View God as a tyrant
who imposes impossible standards

— Perceive God to be a watchdog who is eager to punish every bad thought or action, no matter how small or insignificant

— Feel that God has unrealistic expectations and that He is impossible to please

•
Obsess about blame and guilt

— Constantly focus on personal faults and failures

— Live with persistent feelings of self-reproach and regret

•
Cannot accept grace and forgiveness

— Persuaded that personal accountability and payment for sin cannot be transferred to another

— Driven by a strong need to suffer personally and pay for wrongdoings

•
Have low sense of self-worth

— Convinced that they have little or no value

— Feel inferior to others and undeserving

Those who are enslaved to a mind-set that keeps them captive in a cycle of abuse need to heed the words of the apostle Paul:

“See to it that no one takes you captive
through hollow and deceptive philosophy,
which depends on human tradition and the basic principles
of this world rather than on Christ”

(C
OLOSSIANS
2:8).

If you have found yourself in a spiritually abusive relationship, you can be sure that certain situations made you susceptible to it and kept you in it. Discovering what those situations are will prove helpful as you seek to walk in freedom.

In order to identify the thought patterns that led you into the abusive relationship, you need to evaluate your wrong thinking. Then you can change your thoughts, which will change your choices, which will change your actions, which will change your life!
²⁴
As was the case for Job, what you think about will determine how you feel, and that, in turn, will direct your decision making.

“When I think about this, I am terrified;
trembling seizes my body”

(J
OB
21:6).

Put a check mark next to the questions that apply to you:

___ Do I think I should not hold spiritual authorities accountable for their actions?

___ Do I think it is wrong for me to ask questions in church?

___ Do I think I am too sinful or unspiritual to read the Bible for myself?

___ Do I think I must obey a list of unwritten rules?

___ Do I think it is okay for me to be judgmental?

___ Do I think God wants to burden me with excessive guilt?

___ Do I think I should be shamed because of my sin?

___ Do I think I cannot or should not make decisions for myself?

___ Do I think I deserve to feel guilty for leaving the church?

___ Do I think I should go back to the abusive church?

___ Do I think I am too sinful for God to ever forgive me?

___ Do I think I am unworthy of God’s love even though Jesus died for me?

The apostle Paul gave this warning:

“Watch out for those who cause divisions
and put obstacles in your way that are contrary
to the teaching you have learned.
Keep away from them”

(R
OMANS
16:17).

This question, phrased in different ways, is asked in every country and every culture: How can a loving, all-powerful God permit abuse? But even further, why would He permit
spiritual abuse
?

•
When God created Adam and Eve, He gave them free will. This means they were not programmed like robots to do His will. They were given the opportunity to make choices. Their freedom
allowed them the possibility of going against God’s will—even to the extent of abusing someone else.

•
Having free will not only means having the
opportunity to choose
wrong, but also the
ability to do
wrong. This is exactly what the original couple did: They chose to exercise their free will by doing what was against God’s will. In this way sin entered the human race.

•
Free will allows a person to decide between different options without external pressure or force. God causes no one to sin— such “causing” would make God the author of evil and make Him a malevolent God, which He can never be.

•
God made spiritual abuse
possible
only by giving human beings free will, but human beings make spiritual abuse
actual
by choosing to sin. Ultimately, God
allows
sin, but human beings
cause
sin by the choices they make.

Although God allows spiritual abuse, He hates it! Those who are godly will hate it also. Proverbs 8:13 says, “To fear the L
ORD
is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.” Know that God will execute His justice toward those who sin against Him and spiritually wound His followers. The Bible clearly states,

“
Do not take revenge, my friends,
but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written:
‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord
”

(R
OMANS
12:19).

Isn’t it interesting how shifting the blame to God—or someone else—is much easier than taking personal responsibility for our wrong choices? Everyone is born with three inner needs—the needs for love, significance, and security.
²⁵
In abusers, the attempts to meet these three inner needs in illegitimate ways creates a false sense of significance. And in victims who accept abuse, the abusers’ attempts create a false sense of security. Those inner needs seem to be met—at least for the moment. But those feelings don’t last. The Bible says there is only one way to meet those needs:

“My God will meet all your needs
according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:19).

“God has given me special authority that sets me above others and entitles me to special treatment. I have more authority, and I know God’s will better than others. Therefore, I deserve to have obedience from others. My way is God’s way; I should not be questioned. My will is His will; I should not be denied.”

A verse frequently quoted by spiritual abusers is Psalm 105:15: “Do not touch my anointed ones; do my prophets no harm.”

“As the Lord’s appointed undershepherd, I am to protect and provide for the flock of God with a heart totally committed to Him and His holy Word. I am to love God and serve His people with my whole heart, and I am to live a life worthy of His calling. As God’s shepherd, I am to lay my life down for His sheep just as He laid down His life for me and for them.”

The beloved apostle John stated this clearly and succinctly: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers” (1 John 3:16).

“God’s acceptance of me is dependent on my keeping His laws as revealed by His special messengers. That is the only way I can earn His approval.”

The devoted apostle Paul addressed this faulty belief clearly and definitively when he wrote, “Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?” (Galatians 3:3).

“God’s law shows me my sin and leads me to Christ, who alone can save me from sin. Because my faith is in Christ, not in the law, I am free in Christ. The Spirit of Christ, who lives in me, gives me the desire and the power to overcome sin in my life and to live in a way that pleases Him.”

As the Bible says, “The law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we
might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law” (Galatians 3:24-25).

It was nighttime. Why
wouldn’t
he come during the night hour under the cover of darkness? Why
wouldn’t
he fear upsetting his fellow religious Pharisees? In truth, he was not like most of the Pharisees: prideful, pompous, and puffed up. This humble seeker of truth truly respected Jesus as a teacher. But what he had just heard from Jesus didn’t make sense. Nicodemus, a Pharisee, a member of the Sanhedrin, tried to make sense of the absurd statement made by Jesus: “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again” (John 3:3).

Born again? Nicodemus asked, “How can a man be born when he is old?…Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb to be born!” (John 3:4). Patiently, Jesus explained that this birth far exceeded any physical birth. Then He emphatically stated, “You must be born again” (John 3:7), literally meaning “born from above.”

Jesus left Nicodemus no other option. Likewise, He leaves us no other option. It’s not enough for us to be physically alive. We also need to be spiritually alive. If we want to hear the counsel of God, we can’t be spiritually dead. We must be spiritually alive; we must be born again. We must be born of the Spirit!

To find out what it means to be born of the Spirit, see the appendix on pages 409–411.

They’re on the prowl! With smooth stealth they circle quietly, looking intently for the right time to close in on the unguarded. Crouching down, they watch to discover the ones most vulnerable, to detect which sheep are weak and defenseless. And when the time is right, they quickly pounce on their prey. How were they able to go unnoticed until it was too late? These wolves wore sheep’s clothing. They wore woolly masks and mingled among the woolly sheep. Yet in reality they were ravenous wolves. Jesus warned about them when He said,

“Watch out for false prophets.
They come to you in sheep’s clothing,
but inwardly they are ferocious wolves”

(M
ATTHEW
7:15).

Open your heart to God, and He will guide you to right living—not through rigid commands or the use of power, but through the help of the Holy Spirit, who indwells all believers. As a Christian, you are completely accepted as His child! Live in the liberty of His love and trust Him to work in you and to change you into the person He created you to be.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves
be burdened again by a yoke of slavery”

(G
ALATIANS
5:1).

“Who has bewitched you?” exclaimed the apostle Paul (Galatians 3:1). He was alarmed that his fellow Christians were being enticed by false teachers. These legalistic “law keepers” insisted to new believers that they must submit to the old laws because they were
necessary
for salvation—and
necessary
for staying in right standing in the church.

Upon hearing this, Paul felt passionately compelled to reemphasize the fact that the gospel of salvation comes through
faith alone
. He emphatically refuted the teaching that any legal requirements were necessary to merit the salvation of God and reaffirmed that we receive the Spirit of God
only through faith
in the Lord Jesus Christ. Paul’s urgings are equally relevant to us today.