Hard To Love (19 page)

“No problem.” He tried to smile
, but I knew it bothered him.
“I’m going to head home tonight rather than wait until tomorrow,”
he said.

“Yeah
, I, uh, have some things to take care of. I sort of left my
place in a mess to be here today,” he replied.
My heart lurched.
He had planned an amazing and memorable birthday and had
hoped we would finally consummate our relationship, and I had
put it on hold again.
“I’m sorry—”
“It is fine, Lauren.” He turned, took my face in his hands and
kissed me gently. “We have the rest of our lives to be together.”
His smile was strained.
“I’ll see you on the weekend, then?” I replied, taking off my
seat belt.
“About that.” He sucked a breath in through his teeth.
“You’re not coming back for the weekend?” I asked.
“No. I have to work over the weekend this time,” he said.
“I can come see you, then.”
“No! I, uh, will be working, and I don’t want to leave you alone
the entire time,” he replied. I stared at him in disbelief. He must
have forgotten that I knew when he was lying to me. He did it
seven months ago, when he left town.
“I see.” I frowned.
“I should be available the weekend after that. If you want to
come down, I’m fine with that.” He nodded.
“Okay.” I eyed him. I got out of the car without kissing him
good night. Something was up. I waved Mason off, and then went
in the house. I shut the door, leaned up against it and let out a long
sigh. I was startled by my mother as she walked out of the den.
“Evening,” she said, shoulders rising and falling as she took a
deep breath, wrapping her arms around herself. I forced a smile,
then jumped in her arms and began crying. “Let’s have some tea
and talk,” she said, walking me to the kitchen.

She poured two mugs of hot water, dropping a teabag in each.
She placed a mug in front of me, and then took the chair on my left
with the other. I wasn’t sure how to start the conversation.

“What’s going on?”
she finally asked when I didn’t initiate the
conversation.
“I’m not in love with Mason.” I blurted. The look of shock on
her face made me wince.
“But—you said yes to marrying him, Lauren,” she said, shaking
her head, trying to wrap her head around what I had just admitted
to.
“I know,” I sighed, the tears welled in my eyes. “Everyone was
looking at me, and I felt pressured to give him an answer . . . He
sprung this on me, Mom. I had no idea he was even thinking about
marriage.”
“He loves you.”
“I know he does, and he has been telling me that since we got
together but—” I covered my face, ashamed. “I just don’t feel the
same.”
“Talk to me, Lauren. What’s going on?” She placed her hand
over mine.
“I—I think that—I’m still in love with Nick,” I sobbed. I
couldn’t look at my mother. I was afraid to see the look on her
face.
“Why do you think you still are?” she asked.
“Because when I saw him today, those emotions I felt before it
ended, all came flooding in,” I said breathlessly.
“So you know in your heart that you love Nick, and you don’t
love Mason?” She confirmed.
“Yes.” I covered my face again this time the tears escaped. “I’m
so ashamed.”
“No, don’t feel ashamed, sweetheart. You can’t control what the
heart wants, and maybe the hurt that Mason put you through was
enough to bury those feelings that you did have for him,” she said,
trying to make me feel better. I shrugged, not having any other
excuse for my emotional betrayal.
“I don’t know what to do. Mason has changed so much since I
met him, and I would hate to bring the worst out in him again,” I
cried.
“First of all, you can’t blame yourself for anyone’s actions.
Second, if Mason changes, that’s on him. He doesn’t need to be
that way,” she replied.
“I guess.” I shrugged. “I really wanted it to be him. I did.”
“Wanting and feeling are two different things, Lauren.” She
said giving me a hug. “Where is he now?” she asked.
“He went to his dad’s.”
“Give him some space. See how you feel the next time you see
him, and if it hasn’t changed, then tell him. It’s not fair to string
someone along.” She squeezed my hand.
“I know,” I whispered, agreeing.

I lied in bed that evening feeling worse than I did earlier. The
talk with my mother didn’t help me sort my feelings. I wanted to
tell Mason right away that I didn’t love him, and didn’t think I
could. When I first met him, he was cruel, and he pushed me away.
Now that he was sweet, caring and in love with me, I wanted no
part of it. I didn’t understand it myself. With this weighing on my
mind, I couldn’t sleep. I knew Mrs. Peterson was closing the
restaurant soon, so I got out of bed got dressed and went to see her.
A second opinion may help ease my mind.

When I first arrived she was just locking the doors. When she
saw me standing outside, I started to reconsider why I went there,
but the moment she let me in hugged me, it all came pouring out.

“
Lauren is everything all right?” she asked. I shook my head.
“Come in, sweetie.” She locked up and led me over to a table.
“Can we talk?” I asked.
“Is everything okay with your mom?” She asked.
“Yes.” I replied.
“What’s on your mind? Does this require coffee or alcohol?”

She asked with a smile.
I couldn’t help but laugh and nod. “I’ll
make you something sweet, cheer up that sad face of yours.” She
walked behind the bar. When she finally sat down, taking my hand
in hers, I let it all out. It felt good to pour my heart out to someone
who was impartial to my relationship with Mason and Nick. She
listened to me blather on and on.

“What do you think I should do?” I
finally asked, taking a sip of
my sangria.
“Honestly, sweetie, it doesn’t seem at all worth contemplating
over. You have your answer.” She screwed her lips to the side,
tilted her head, looking over at me. “You love Nick, and as
amazing as he might be, he isn’t the answer either. He hurt you, he
lied, and not about something small, it was a big lie.” She reached
across the table, taking my hand in hers again. “I know that being
loved is an amazing feeling, but I know that when that love isn’t
returned, it puts a strain on both parties involved.” I knew she was
right.
“I feel that strain, and I think that Mason is starting too as well,”
I replied.
“I wouldn’t wait for two weeks to pass, I would tell him right
away and not over the phone,” she suggested. “Go to him, break it
to him gently, and see where it goes from there. Maybe space is all
you need?”
“We barely see each other as it is. Space isn’t the problem,” I
sighed.
“Maybe a vacation together?” she suggested.
“No.” I shook my head. “I have only been in love once . . .
twice. I know that this isn’t it.” I wiped the tears from my face.
“Then you have your answer,” she urged. I nodded, holding up
my head with the palm of my hand.
“Sorry to keep you so late,” I replied, and got up to hug her.
“Oh, don’t mention it. I never get the chance to do this. It feels
good to give someone else advice.” She said with a chuckle. I
gathered my things and made my way out. Mrs. Peterson hugged
me and then watched me to my car before locking up.
I drove straight home and went to bed, leaving it for the
morning. When I wake up, I’ll make my plans to head out to
Washington, and see Mason. I think Mrs. Peterson was right, I
can’t let this fester for two weeks. He deserved to know.

The next morning, I called Mason, but he never answered. My
mother had already left for church and would probably meet Mrs.
Foster for brunch. After the sixth try, I gave up and got ready. I sat
on the front porch, staring at Nick’s number, debating on asking
him if he had seen Mason. Then I sent Mason another text, telling
him that I would be heading out to see him. It was angering me
that he didn’t return my calls. I had been to his apartment three
times before and he had programmed it in my GPS.

I called my mother.
“Mom, I’m driving out to Washington. I
should be back tomorrow,” leaving a message on her answering
machine.

The drive would take me at least five hours making my arrival
time approximately one in the afternoon. He should be awake by
then, it was Sunday after all. This was not going to be an easy
conversation and I had no idea how he would react to what I had to
say. It was more than likely that I would be driving home
afterwards, so I wanted to give myself ample time to get home
safely. With the weather being so unpredictable lately, I wanted to
be safe.

When I pulled up to the building in Washington, where Mason
lived, I parked in the back since I didn’t have his card to get into
the underground parking. I tried to call him again before entering
the building but he still never answered. I was so furious with him
now.

The doorman smiled as I entered.
“Evening, Miss Miller,” he said, holding the door for me.
“Evening, Chester.” I smiled and walked towards the elevator.

He put his key in the elevator and selected Mason’s floor.
The door
to the elevator opened, and I got in. As I leaned back on the wall of
the elevator, I reminisced about the time Nick and I spent at the
hotel. I chuckled to myself, shaking it off. The door to the
penthouse foyer opened. I walked in, calling out to Mason first.
“Hello?” I called out more loudly. “Mason, are you home?” I

asked, walking down the hall to the living room.
“Oh my god,” I
gasped, looking around at the mess. The place was trashed. It
looked as though someone had robbed the place. I grabbed my
phone to call the police, while calling out to Mason again when I
noticed something on the floor by the white leather couch. The
phone slipped from my hand, landing on the ceramic tile. Mason
had thrown one hell of a bash and that was why his place was
trashed. Empty bottles of champagne were scattered about, among
several pieces of female clothing.

My heart began to pound hard.
“Mason!” I yelled. This had better be a misunderstanding. My
cheeks flared red as I thought about all the guilt I was feeling
lately, and all he was doing was sleeping around. “Mason!” I
walked out of the living room and stormed down the hall to his
bedroom. It was empty but it wasn’t tidy. Slowly I walked over to
his bed, kicking the clothes strewn about the floor. Then I saw his
phone. It was on the end table. “Shit.” I spun around and started
walking back to the living room, when I ran into Nick.
“Lauren?” he gasped and stepped back, glancing around at the
mess. “What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here? Cleaning up Mason’s mess?” I
retorted.
“Mason didn’t come in to work today.” His jaw clenched.
“I see.” My head jerked slightly. Nick hadn’t quite noticed the
red lace panties dangling from my hand until I raised my arm, and
held up the red lacy panties by the waistband. “Maybe this is the
reason why,” I said and let them fall to the ground with what little
feelings I had left. Even though I couldn’t tell Mason that I loved
him, I still cared about him a great deal and I was making an effort.
This was the last thing I thought he would do to me after
everything he promised.
Nick’s head tilted sympathetically, “Lauren—”
I interjected shaking my head, “No—don’t bother trying to
defend him.” I walked away. “I should have known.” I shook my
head, laughing in disbelief.
“Lauren.”
I interjected, “How long have you known?” I asked, spinning
around to look at him.
“I—I didn’t,” he replied.
I scoffed, shook my head, and looked him directly in the eye.
“Fool me once . . .” I said, wiping my cheek.
“Wait—” he started.
I spun on one heel, and didn’t stop walking, until I was down
the hall by the foyer where the elevator was. Before I could press
the button the bell went off and then the doors began to open and
out came Mason, with some girl.
When he looked up, the colour drained from his face and
immediately took his arm off the girl.
“Lauren, wait. This isn’t—” he began. Then Nick came around
the corner, stopping short. Nick’s eyes widened, then turned to
hate as he stared Mason down.
“Who’s this?” the girl asked, crossing her arms. I slowly slipped
the ring off my finger, stared at it a moment longer, then looked up
at Mason.
“I was his fiancée,” I said, scowling. The girl’s mouth dropped,
and she looked away, embarrassed. Mason continued to stare at
me, shocked. The ring slipped from my fingers and landed on the
tile with a ping. I started to remove his house key from my key
chain. “Anything to say for yourself,” I asked, fighting against the
anger because if I let it control me, then Mason was going to get a
punch in the face no matter what he said.
“I’m sorry.” He replied.
“I bet you are.” I scowled and tried to contain myself but the
laughter bellowed from me. Standing there unable to move,
thinking of what I could say to hurt him. “I guess I sort of deserved
this, huh? Considering I didn’t love you,” I lashed out then left. I
didn’t want to see the look on his face after that.

When I got to the parking lot, I heard someone calling my
name, but I refused to give in and turn around. As I turned off the
alarm and went to open the door, someone grabbed my arm and
spun me around.

“Wait!” Nick said
, turning me around. I tried to move away, but
he grabbed my face in his hands. “Did you mean that?” he said,
breathless. I just stared at him. “Lauren.” His thumb stroked across
my cheek. I couldn’t tell him; I couldn’t admit, that yes, I still
loved him, and no, I never loved Mason.
“I have to go, Nick.” I pulled his hands from my face.
“You never loved Mason?” he repeated again and stood against

the door so that I couldn’t open it.
“Please move, Nick,” I said sternly and pushed him back.
“Why?” He said anxiously, his chest rose and fell rapidly.
“Move!” I yelled, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably.
“Tell me why!” He pushed off the car and came at me. “You

“You gave me no choice
, Nick!” I screamed, turning away as I
sobbed uncontrollably. “You gave me no choice.”
“What?” He grabbed me, but I pushed him away.
“I would have chosen you.” I cried, looking him in the eyes.
“That’s the answer to your question.” I turned to my car and
opened the door. As I turned to face him with tears streaming
down my cheek I said, “I was still in love with you.”
“Lauren,” his voice choked and his shoulders slumped. I
watched as his eyes filled with tears.
“But now, I want nothing to do with either of you,” I cried and
then got in my car. As I backed up, I watched Nick in my rear view
mirror, his fingers laced behind his head as he watched me drive
away.
I spent most of the drive trying to convince myself not to turn
around and go back. Seeing Nick crying in the rear view mirror
was more than I could handle. I was better off without them, I had
to believe that. I didn’t know where my mind was when it came to
them. No man had ever taken such a hold over me before. Not
even Matt. Speaking of Matt, I had not seen him since my out-ofbody experience five months ago.
“Where are you now?” I cried out, the anger burning in me. He
had told me to choose wisely. I thought Mason was the right
choice. Who did he really mean for me to choose?

The long drive home gave me plenty of time to think. No more
tears would be wasted on them. Or any guy, for that matter. I was
going to think about myself from now on, and do what I had
always wanted to do which was my art. Cassie would be gone in a
few months, and I would be alone again. All I had was my art, and
my photography. My equipment was packed away somewhere.

It was time to get it out and dive right into it. That was the right
decision leaving them behind and moving forward with my
dreams, just how Matt had wanted me to. I was happier anyway
when I had a camera in my hand.