Hard To Love (21 page)

“Please don’t
use that in your collection,” he joked.
“Why not? You’re the perfect muse,” I replied. He turned his
head hiding his smirk but I caught it. I shook my head, and sighed.

“I’m sorry if m
y being here is making you uncomfortable.”
“What makes you think that I’m uncomfortable?” he scoffed. I
rolled my eyes at him, and he turned away.
“Oh come on, Nick. I can tell.” I sighed.
My phone buzzed again.

5:45 p.m. ClaudiaPorter: Good to hear you like the spot. Sorry to hear
that Nick is such a bore.
5:50 p.m. Me: It’s fine. I should see you soon.

“Who are you talking to?” Nick asked
, walking closer.
“Why do you care?” I tried to joke, but he frowned at me. I
grabbed his arm stopping him. “I’m just kidding. It’s Claudia. She
asked how I like the reserve.”
“My sister, the nosy parker,” he said and walked past me. I
caught up with him.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“She knows about our past,” he said.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m sure—once she realized who you were . . .” He gave me a
quick side glance.
“Oh, I see what you mean.” I screwed my lips to the side. Nick
continued to walk a few paces ahead of me.
Then something strange happened.
As we walked back to the car through the beautiful sculptured
Zen garden, a cluster of blue butterflies swirled around us. “Don’t
move,” I said, slowly lifting my camera. A few landed on Nick as
he stood still. “That is neat.”
“Not really. It’s freaking me out a little.” He winced as most of
the butterflies landed on him. I laughed, taking as many shots as I
could. As I walked towards him, the butterflies swirled around us
again, dangling like they were on strings.
“This is beautiful. I wonder how many times this happens in a
day.” I turned around holding my hand up.
“I’ve never seen it,” Nick said. When I turned around, he was
standing in the middle of the swarm, hands in his pockets and eyes
locked on mine.
“You come here often?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “It’s peaceful.”
“Does Claudia know that?” I asked, walking towards him, and
the butterflies scattered.
He nodded. “We should get going,” he said and turned away
from me. I sighed, crossed my arms and put some distance
between us.
“You know, they say that seeing a blue butterfly is supposed to
be healing,” I said, catching up to him.
“Who needs healing?” he scoffed, quickening his pace. I shook
my head, and kept his pace.
“You maybe?” I replied.
“What do I need healing for?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?” I replied. He stopped
and glanced over at me, shaking his head.

When we got back to his car, I confronted him.
“Nick,” I said and glanced over the roof of the car at him.
“What?” he replied but didn’t look over at me.
“Is this too weird for you?” I asked.
“What?” He turned, looked at me, squinting.
“Come on, Nick. Since you saw me, you’ve been acting all

weird.” I crossed my arms.
“I’m fine,” he said and got in the car, but I backed up and
walked away stopping to the edge of the grass.
He wasn’t okay. I could feel it.
In my peripheral vision, I watched him walk up and stand next
to me.
“I’ve heard that one before,” I scoffed.
“What do you want from me, Lauren?” Nick asked.
I gulped a little caught off guard by his harsh tone. “Whatever
happened to the old Nick?” I asked.
“He changed,” he whispered.
“Why?” I asked and turned to face him.
He craned his neck and stared me down. “We should go,” he
said then turned away.

He pulled up to Claudia’s building
and parked out front. I got
out of the car and didn’t look back as I walked to the doors. I
scanned the names on the board, looking for Claudia’s number and
dialled it. I could see in the windows reflection that he was
standing by the car.

Claudia answered a moment later, buzzing me in.
I couldn’t
look back to see if Nick was still there. If he wanted to remain at a
distance from me, then I would respect that. I really appreciated
Claudia’s help with selling my work. It was a dream of mine, and
if Robert was the reason behind this opportunity, I wasn’t going to
squander it.

“Hey,”
she said when she answered the door, peering out.
“Where’s Nick?”
I shrugged and replied, “Downstairs.”
“I’ll show you to your room,” she said, holding out her arm. “I
can’t wait for tomorrow. I think your work will be a hit.”
“You’d think that with Seattle being on the water, people would
be sick of all things nautical.”
“The complete opposite.” she smiled. “This is your room. We
can go through clothes later if you like.”
“Thanks again,” I said and walked in the room.
“I’ll give you a minute to get situated,” she said and walked
away.
“Thanks,” I said.
I called my mother to fill her in. She was excited to hear things
were going well. I also told her how I ran into Nick and asked her
if she had planned this. She insisted that wasn’t her plan, but I
didn’t believe her.
When I was done talking to my mother, I joined Claudia in the
living room. She offered me some wine, and then sat in the
armchair next to me, with her feet tucked under her bottom.
“This is an amazing place,” I said.
“Thanks,” she replied and smiled proudly. “I love it here. It’s
quiet and the fireplace is cozy.”
“Is there someone special in your life to share it with?” I asked.
“Oh no,” she scoffed. “After what my parents went through and
then Nick’s heartbreak”—she paused, screwed her lips down then
added—“I figured it was safer to be single.” She sipped her wine.
“Really?” I replied, surprised. “Doesn’t it get boring—not to
say that you’re boring.” I blushed.
She laughed. “My life is so busy I don’t have time for boring.”
She looked over at the flickering flame in the fireplace. I spoke out
of line and felt terrible.
“You don’t sound too certain.” I put my glass down and curled
up in the corner of the sofa. “I’m sure you are being asked out all
the time. You’re gorgeous.”
“Thanks, but you’re too kind.” She looked away. “I can see
why my brothers loved you.” She smiled. I gulped, looking away,
uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make that sound
terrible.”
“It’s fine.” I shrugged it off. “I’m guessing Mason and Nick told
you all about me.” I felt my cheeks burn, embarrassed. It sounded
horrible admitting dating brothers. What was I thinking?
“Nick did, yes.” She nodded. “Mason doesn’t really talk to me
much. He doesn’t like my honesty.”
“I bet.” I shook my head.
The room fell silent, other than the crackling of the fire. The
flames were mesmerising. I found myself lost in it.
“Why did you choose Mason?” she said, filling the silence. My
heart skipped and I felt at a loss for words.
“W—well, I—I was so upset with Nick for lying to me—”
“But you told him that you kissed Mason,” she questioned. I
nervously wrung my hands in my lap.
“I did—” I glared at her the sob building in me. She hummed,
looking over at the fire, sipping her wine. I watched her. My mouth
slightly parted. “Does Nick hate me?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” She shook her head looking at me. “Why?”
“It just feels weird. I never used to feel that way around him,” I
replied, then stood. “I’m going to bed.” I looked up at the clock.
It was only nine. This was going to be a long night.
“Night.” She swirled the wine in her glass. “Oh, by the way,
Nick bought those sketches.” I stopped dead in my tracks, gulped
then felt my body cover in goosebumps. Did she invite me here to
throw things in my face? I spun around. She looked up at me,
smiling.
“Can I show you something?” I asked. She nodded. I gestured
for her to follow. I sat on the bed, pulling out my digital camera. I
skipped through most of the pictures of the reserve until I got to
the ones of Nick. “I took these today. Tell me what you think.” I
watched her.
She took the camera and started flipping through them. “I need
to get a better look. Can we hook this up to my laptop?” she
asked, and I nodded. I followed her back out to the living room and
pulled up a chair next to her. She plugged my camera in to her
computer. While it loaded, I caught her staring at me. When it was
done loading, it made a sound and a window popped up. Claudia
clicked on the file, and it opened. She double-clicked on a picture
of Nick surrounded by butterflies.
“I really like this one,” she said.
“It was so weird. We were walking back to the car, and then all
these butterflies just started fluttering around us.” I smiled.
“I like how he is looking at you,” she said, looking at me.
“Huh?” My brow furrowed. She placed the pointer next to his
face, blowing up the picture. Then she flipped to the next one and
then the next. His face was the same in every picture. “But—he
acted so annoyed—”
“He is far from annoyed.” She sighed, sitting back, flipping
through the rest of the pictures. “I think you should add a few of
these to the show tomorrow.” She started putting a few pictures in
a folder. “Think you can get these ready for tomorrow night?”
“Yes. I just need to know where I can grab some supplies.” I
smiled.
“I’ll show you tomorrow.” She got up from the computer.
“Night.” She sauntered down the hall.

The next morning I got up and walked out to the hall. I could
hear the water running in the bathroom, so I walked to the kitchen
and took a seat at the table. A few minutes later Claudia came
walking down the hall.

“Morning
,” she said and smiled, walking over to the counter.
“Coffee?” she asked, grabbing the cupboard handle.
“Yes, please,” I replied.
She pulled down two mugs and poured coffee in them. We
chatted a little before she left the room to get dressed. I took a
shower and found some clothes on the bed when I returned.
“I chose this dress for you for later,” she said, holding up a short
black dress. “It’s simple enough not to take the attention off your
work, but you will still look ravishing.” She smiled. I blushed.
“What’s your shoe size?”
“Seven.”
“We might have to get you some shoes to match.” She hemmed
and hawed a moment. “We’ll stop at my favourite place before I
show you where the art store is,” she said, grabbing a hanger for
the dress, and wrapped it in plastic. “I’ll keep this at the gallery.”
“Okay.” I was nervous already, and the day had only just begun.
I think most of my jitters were because I wasn’t sure if I would run
into Nick again.
“I’ll be waiting in the living room for you.” She said and exited
the room with the dress. I quickly slipped on my jeans and a black
short sleeve off-shoulder t-shirt blouse, and my black knee high
boots. I followed Claudia to the shoe store where she picked out a
pair of red pumps for me to try on.
Then we drove to the art shop, and she introduced me to the
owner. Everything was at my disposal. I thanked Claudia and
went about my business. The owner helped me with the laminating
of the photographs on the backgrounds I chose. I grabbed a new
sketchbook and pencils; I had an idea I wanted to display before
the show later. I checked the time, and then drove around until I
found the perfect place to sit and sketch. I found a park not far
from where Claudia had left me and took a seat on a bench. I
looked at the field of lush green grass, people scattered around
playing Frisbee or having a picnic. It was like something out of a
movie. I pulled my knees up with the sketchpad on my lap and
closed my eyes.
When I was done drawing, I closed the pad and put it in my
bag, then started back to my car. I had an hour to set up and get
dressed.

Claudia was excited to see what I was going to add to the
collection. She took me around back, and we carried in each piece
carefully.

“This is great stuff
, Lauren. You are really talented.” She
looked them, over as she displayed them.
“You’re not just saying that because of who I am . . . are you?”
I asked.
“No,” she said. “Okay, let’s get these up and get you dressed. I
have another artist to put on display as well,” she said then held
one of my pieces up. “What does this represent?” she asked. I
smiled, standing next to her.
“Heartbreak,” I replied.
“Wow.” She couldn’t take her eyes off it. Then as the other
artist arrived, she introduced me. We chatted briefly until she
scooted me away to get changed.
“Claudia, I’m here. What’s the big rush?” Nick said, coming
around the corner as I disappeared down the hall. I glanced over
my shoulder hearing his voice but he didn’t see me so I kept
walking.
It was time to open the doors and there was a line up already.
Nervously I stood near my work as the place began to fill up. I
scanned the room for Nick, knowing he had come in earlier but I
didn’t see him anywhere. And I have to admit I was disappointed.
I watched as Claudia schmoozed with the crowd, pointing out
pieces and talking about them. Then I saw Robert come around
the corner. I smiled and walked over to him.
“Mr. Porter.” I held up my arms and hugged him.
“Hey, sweetheart,” He kissed my cheek. “How’s it going?” he
asked.
“Great, thanks to you and my mother,” I replied walking
alongside him.
“It was my pleasure,” he said, holding out his arm for me to
take it. “Claudia has been raving about your work since last night,
so I thought I would come see it for myself.”
“I’m grateful for her enthusiasm,” I replied, looking over at her.
Nick walked through the crowd, and I stopped short, my heart
picking up speed fast. He stood in front of the table where my
sketchpad was on display. I watched as he hovered over the sketch.
His fingers strummed the table.
“Excuse me,” I said, looking up at Robert. He nodded, then
followed me with his eyes as I made my way over to Nick. I ran
my hand across his back as I came in close.
“Hey.” I look at him. “Do you like it?” He didn’t say anything.
His fingers stopped strumming and were turning white from
pressing down on the table.
“How do you do it?” He whispered so low that I almost didn’t
hear him.
“What?” I asked, tilting my head to get a better look at his face.
He slowly turned to face me, water in his eyes.
“How do you do it, see me this way?” he choked.
“How else would I see you?” I gulped my body began to
tremble. His eyes were so focused on mine. Then he looked back at
the sketch that I had done of him, in pencil, except for his eyes, I
had used a pale blue shade to bring out the colour of his eyes,
making them looked so real.
“This almost doesn’t look like you sketched it. Every detail is
flawless—I’m speechless.” He rubbed a shaky hand across his lips.
“When I told you that you touched me, I meant it. I never forgot
anything we shared together,” I replied, feeling the tears well.
“Lauren!” Claudia called out. I turned in her direction, and she
waved me over.
“Excuse me,” Nick said, walking away.
I turned to stop him but he had gotten too far for me to reach.
All I could do was watch him disappear in the crowd. I closed my
eyes and sighed. Then I heard Claudia call for me again. That was
the last time I had saw Nick, that night.

At the end of the night when everyone had cleared out, Claudia
sat on the corner of the desk by the front door.
“That went really well, guys. I’m very proud of our numbers
this evening. Tomorrow is Saturday, and I think that it will be an
even bigger event. Lauren, my father bought one of your pieces.”
She smiled.
“Oh really?” I smiled, proudly.
“Yeah, the one of the woman reading a book,” she said.
“My mom,” I said with a big grin.
“How sweet.” She smirked. “Well, I have some cleaning up to
do, so if you want to stay to help, that’s great. If not, I’ll see you
tomorrow,” she said, stood and then walked away. I stayed behind
to help her. Plus I had some questions that needed answering.
“Claudia, can I ask you something?” I began.
“Of course,” she said, throwing napkins away.
“Is Nick seeing anyone?” I bit my lip nervously.
“Not that I’m aware of,” she replied. “Why?”
“Oh—uh—I was just wondering,” I stuttered. She stopped
cleaning, stood there a moment, and then turned to face me.
“You still care for him.” She smirked.
“I never said that.” I blushed.
“It’s all over your face and your work,” she said, crossing her
arms, smiling.
“Is that so bad?” I sighed, clenching my hands against my chest.
“I don’t think I ever stopped loving him.”
“Really?” Her brow furrowed.
“I don’t want to bore you with all the details, but plain and
simple, yes.” It felt good to admit it out loud.
“Did you want me to call him?”
“No, no. I think he hates me.” I looked away, sad.
“I think you’re wrong.” She said taking my hand in hers.
“But he is so cold to me.”
“It’s not because he hates you, sweetie.” she said, taking my
hand in hers. My heart raced.
Did he say something to her? I wanted to text him and ask him
to come back, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“I’m good here if you want to head back to my place,” she said,
turning away. She was texting someone then put her phone in her
pocket.
“I’ll help you, I don’t mind.” I said.
“Okay,” She stopped when her phone chimed. She took her
phone out then shoved it back in her pocket. “Can you do me a
favour? I need a few things from the trunk of my car.”
“Of course.” I replied.
She turned around. “My keys are on the desk out front.”
“What do you need?” I asked. My brow furrowed.
“You’ll see when you get out there,” she replied.
When I got to the front door, I saw Nick leaning on her car. My
heart started to beat rapidly. Slowly I opened the door and stepped
out.
“Hey,” I said, walking closer. Our eyes locked. “I was just
talking about you.” I gulped. “Claudia was just telling me that
people were impressed with my work.” He continued to stare at me
without saying a word. “Nick, I don’t know what this all means
but—” My breath came to a halt when he stood and came straight
at me, scooping me up in his arms. Our lips met and he breathed
me in. Our tongues entangled . . . And then it hit me. The love and
passion I felt all came crashing back. He pulled away, holding my
face in his hands. Our foreheads pressed lightly.
“I’ve been dying to do that since I first saw you yesterday,” he
breathed.
“Why didn’t you?” I said breathy.
“I wasn’t sure if you were in the same place.” His eyes were
glossy. It made my heart jump into my throat.
“I never left.” I cupped his cheeks. I had missed him so much.
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. “You are the
reason I couldn’t marry Mason,” I whispered. He pulled away and
held my face in his hands.
“I thought—but you said yes to him.”
“I felt pressured to say yes. He sprung it on me. Everyone was
waiting for me to answer, and all I saw was your face.” A tear
escaped. “I never stopped loving you, Nick.” I chocked back the
tears.
He grabbed me tight. His hand splayed on the back of my head,
tangling in my hair. “I never stopped loving you,” he cried into my
hair. When I opened my eyes and looked up, Claudia was standing
at the door, smiling. She fingerwaved then walked away. “What
do we do now?” he said pulling away.
“Start over?” I replied. His eyes bore into mine. My heart
swelled as his head started to nod. I cried. He hugged me tight, and
I could feel his body shudder. Then he asked me back to his place.
I sent a text to Claudia, who had already anticipated as much.
The entire ride I couldn’t help but stare at him. He kept blushing
and asking why I was watching him, and I just kept saying I was
making up for lost time. I felt the tremble in my chest as I fought
against the urge to burst into tears of joy. I didn’t want to get a
head of myself. I don’t know what could happen in the next few
hours.
At his apartment he opened a bottle of wine handing me a glass,
then he walked over to the fire place and threw some wood in the
fireplace. I sat on the arm of the chair sipping the wine watching
him. When he stood and turned he smiled at me, looking just as
nervous as I felt.
“Now what?” He said, his fist clenching and unclenching at his
sides. I shrugged and stood walking towards him.
“Whatever you want,” I slid my hand up his chest to his face
and caressed his cheek. I missed this so much. I wanted to shout
out that I loved him and just kiss him all night long. It had been
four months since I had seen him at Cassie’s going away party but
it felt as though I held him yesterday. He took my hand and led me
over to the couch where we snuggled up close. He ran his fingers
through my hair, kissing my head.
“I can’t believe how much I missed this,” he said, lifting my
face to meet his.
“Me too,” I said and a tear escaped.
“None of that.” He said wiping it away then kissed my cheek.
“There are no surprises.” He whispered. “I promise.”
“Me either.” I said stretching to kiss him.
He scooped me up in his arms, carrying me to the bedroom. He
put me down and we undressed each other. I was nervous because
it had been a while since we had slept together, and I had not slept
with anyone since him.
I sat on the bed, moving back slowly as he climbed on with me.
His hands ran up my body. When he looked up at me, I felt the
love emanating through his eyes. Biting down on my lip, I closed
my eyes, enjoying the warmth of his hands as they explored every
inch of me, bringing every nerve in my body to life. The world
slipped away. Ordinary thoughts and worries left behind. I arched
my back, pressing against his touch, wanting every inch of him
against me. Slowly, we took turns removing the clothing that
remained, until all that separated us was our excited breath. He
cradled his body over me, my hands ran up his strong back and
then his lips pressed hard on mine. Both my hands cupped his
cheeks, then slid in his hair, our faces inches apart as he stared into
my dark-grey eyes. Then I pulled him down for a kiss. He reached
down and gently pushed inside me. We both let out an
uncontrollable gasp. I recovered the kiss, playfully biting his lip
and gently sucking. Hands gripping and sliding across our bodies,
pleasure filled us to the very core and we gasped with pleasure. I
rolled on top, balancing myself with my palm against his chest.
“Yes,” I whispered. His hands gripped my thighs as I moved
faster and the desire took hold of us. My head fell back and my
moaning got louder. I felt his hands cup my breast. “Oh!” I gasped.
He began to thrust his hips faster, and I fall forward, my hands
firmly planted on the bed, twisting the sheet around them. He
brushed the hair from my face, stretching his neck to kiss me,
mastering my mouth. I moaned, gripping a handful of his hair. The
blood roared through my veins as if it were on fire. The harder he
pushed, the harder it was to stay in control. I firmly planted my
hands on his thighs, gripping tightly as his thumb rubbed in circles,
sending my arousal searing through me. Then as my body
convulsed in a chain of spasms, I cried out his name. His hands
gripped my thighs and he then let out his breath in a long, uneven
hiss. His chest rapidly moved beneath me. Then just as he opened
his mouth to speak, I came forward to give him a French kiss so
erotic it made him forget what he wanted to say.
I snuggled in, wrapping my arm and leg around him. He turned
his head in order to kiss me again.
“I don’t want this to ever end,” he whispered, kissing my
forehead. I looked up at him, smiling, with my chin resting on his
chest.
“Okay,” I sighed, stroking his chest with my fingers. He turned
on his side, wrapping his other arm around me. He nuzzled into
my neck, kissing me, and I gasped as his lips trailed lower.
“I love you,” he said, and kissed the tip of my nose.
I smiled. “I love you too.” I couldn’t control the tears that
followed.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just—wish things had worked out back then. So much time
was wasted from then until now,” I said, and wiped the tears
feeling foolish.
“Don’t think about it.” He caressed my face. “We have now and
we don’t have anything to stand in our way.” He kissed me again.
“Promise?” I looked him in the eye.
“I do.” He smiled.
“I have missed you so much.” I cuddled into his chest. His
fingers tickled across my shoulders. I listened to his heartbeat and
closed my eyes as his breathing rocked me to sleep.
“I’m sorry I let you go,” I whispered, choking back the sob.
“No regrets, remember? That’s what you told me,” he replied.
“Did you listen?” I smirked.
“No, but those feelings of regret started to dissipate the moment
you told me that you loved me still,” he replied, holding me close.
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” I wiped my tears.
“I’m sorry that I was not honest enough to make it work.” He
kissed the top of my head.
“Okay, enough with the apologies.” I laughed. “Let’s move
forward and just enjoy each other from now on.” I kissed him.
“Okay.” His finger trickled down my cheek to my lips. “What
would you say if I asked you to move in with me?” he asked.
“You don’t think it’s too soon?” I let out a nervous laugh.
“No,” he replied. “I think we’ve waited long enough.”
“Really?” My eyes welled.
He nodded, and bent down to kiss me. “Yes.” He laughed. “I
don’t want to be away from you again.”
I hemmed and hawed a moment. “Where?” I replied.
“Anywhere you want,” he replied, straining his neck to kiss me.
I didn’t know what to say, but it felt right when I answered him.
“Yes.”
“Yes?” He was surprised.
“I want to be with you as much as I can.” I nodded and sat up.
He rolled on top of me kissing me. His kiss trailed down my neck
to my chest. I tangled my fingers in his hair, pulling him up to kiss
him again. His body slowly slid on top of mine, rubbing gently,
and his touch arousing me once more.