Hard To Love (15 page)

The next morning, I got up, showered, slipped on a pair of yoga
pants and a shirt, sulking my way down the stairs to the kitchen.
What I hadn’t expected to find was Nick sitting in the kitchen with
my mother, drinking tea. Their heads turned as I entered, and I
came to a halt in the doorway. Panic struck me hard in the chest.
Mason was devious enough to tell Nick everything.

My mother got up from her chair, put her mug in the sink, and
then walked over to me. “I’ll give you a minute,” she said with a
smile. I nodded, then slowly walked over to the counter, grabbed
the coffee pot and poured myself a mug. Nick remained silent until
I joined him at the table.

“I want to begin by apologizing for last night
,” he said with a
sad smile. “You have every right to be upset with me.” He waited
for me to reply, but I stared at the space between us blankly,
unsure of what to say. When I finally looked at him, his eyes
began to water. “I’m sorry that I have disappointed you. That was
never my intention, Lauren.” His lips trembled.

“Nick, I—”
“I promise that I’ll make it up to you,” he said, taking my hand
in his. My lip trembled as I recalled the events from last night. I
knew I should have told him but the words wouldn’t come out. I
started to cry but not because he disappointed me because he didn’t
know I was going to disappoint him. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” I said in a panic.
Confusion hovered in his eyes. He didn’t understand where this
was coming from.
“I don’t think it’s going to work out.” I choked back the sob.
“Where is this coming from?” He gasped.
I couldn’t lie to him. It was easier to end it. “I don’t even feel
like I fit in your life.” I bit my lip and glanced down at my cup. He
dragged his thumb and index fingers across his eyes.
“That’s—not—true, Lauren,” he hiccupped, fighting the sob.
What I had done to Nick was unforgiveable, and I didn’t want
him to feel the pain of my betrayal. I shook my head.
“I fell in love with you, Nick. That isn’t something I can do
easily, but I did.” I covered my face with one hand, turning away.
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want to be hurt either.” I
gasped, covering my mouth.
He grabbed me in his arms. “Lauren, please. I just need a little
more time.” He kissed my hair. “I promise it will all be worked out
soon.”
“W—what will be worked out soon?” I asked, slowly pulling
away.
“I was looking to move to Portland permanently,” he said.
My heart stopped. “Really?” I gasped, biting down on my lip.
What had I done? Replays of last night’s events flooded my
head. Tears streaked my cheeks, I was so ashamed.
“Yes,” he said with a smile. I was thrilled to hear him say that
but how could I tell him the truth now? “I’m trying to work it out
so that I can work from here. I’ll still have to travel for work a few
times a month, but that is better than living separately—”
“Living separately?” I gulped. The guilt was eating me alive
inside now. “Does—that mean you want to move in together?” I
asked. He smiled and nodded. This time I couldn’t help but cry.
His hands cupped my face. His eyes gazed lovingly into mine. I
had no choice but to tell him the truth and hope he would forgive
me. We had been dating for six weeks. It was still early enough in
the relationship for him to forgive me. Right?
“There is something I have to tell you,” I stuttered.
“I love you,” he said kissing me.
“I love you too.” I sobbed in his arms holding him tight. “But I
need you to know something first.” I sat back, looking at him. His
eyes were wet with tears, lips slightly parted. He looked sad more
than he did happy. I closed my eyes, and gathered up as much
courage as I could, because this would probably be the end of us.
“What?” His lips trembled. All day I had been coming up with
ways to tell him, and now all words escaped me. “What is it?”
Every time I tried to speak, my breath hitched in my throat. I
brushed my thumb across his cheek. “The other night when you
didn’t show . . .” I pulled my hands away, covering my face,
embarrassed. “I was upset and—” His phone rang, interrupting me.
“Sorry—” He answered the phone. “I’m busy. What is it?” he
grumbled. He slowly turned and smiled at me, hanging up his
phone, and then pressed his lips to mine. “I should go . . . to help
set up for tonight,” he said, standing.
“O—okay,” I sighed, relieved. Eventually he would learn the
truth. If not from me, then Mason would gladly tell him.
“We’ll continue this conversation later,” he said and bent down
to kiss me again, then left.

I got ready at home at home this time and with my mother
’s
help on my hair. The style we chose for my hair was up in a loose
curly bun leaving a few thin strands dangling around my shoulders.
After my ensemble was complete, I stood in front of the mirror,
looking at the end result. The dress clung to my curves perfectly,
and I was happy that I decided to buy it. I then slipped on my
skyscraper faux-diamond-cluster heels and spun around. My
mother put the finishing touches to my hair, a couple of snap on
diamond clips.

“You look b
eautiful, sweetheart,” she said, kissing my cheek.
“When Nick see’s you he is going to die,” she said, smiling. I
brushed my hands down the dress, smoothing it out. “You should
wear blue more often. It’s a great colour on you,” she said,
standing next to me in the mirror. “Wow.” She cupped her hands
over her mouth. “I don’t know what I am going to do on your
wedding day.”

“We have
plenty of time to worry about that.” I laughed, as I
hugged her. “I am so nervous,” I said, stuffing the gloss in my
purse after swiping it across my lips.

“Don’t be
. You’ll fit in perfectly,” she said, walking with me
down the stairs to the front door, hugging me one last time before I
slipped out the door. I looked up at the darkening sky and spotted
a single shining star through the clouds and made a wish.

Thirty minutes later, I pulled up to the long cobblestone
driveway of the Fosters’ mansion. I stopped in the courtyard,
parking behind a slew of cars. The cobblestone was scattered with
patches of ice even with salt scattered in chunks across the ground.
With the rain coming and going all day, it had taken longer to melt
the ice.

I rang the doorbell.
This time a different butler greeted me at the door. I handed
him my invitation. He bowed and opened the door wider. Upon
entering, I felt a sudden pang hit me in the chest. Something made
me feel uneasy about being here. I stood nervously in the foyer. I
gathered my thoughts before following the sound of chatter and the
soft hum of the string quartet playing from the other room. As I
walked into the ballroom, I held my breath. Heads turned. I smiled
and kept walking. At first I couldn’t find anyone I knew, but then I
spotted Cassie in her beautiful burgundy dress and walked towards
her. We hugged, and she led me over to a table.
“You can leave your stuff here,” she said, taking my hand.
We walked around, taking flutes of Cristal, replacing the empty
ones with filled ones. I scanned the crowd for Nick, surprised that I
still had not seen him—or Mason, for that matter.
“You look amazing,” Cassie pointed out as we came to a stop
by the patio doors. I scanned the crowd, looking for Nick. It had
already been an hour, and I still had not seen him. Dinner would be
served soon.
“Want to dance?” Cassie asked, pulling me along. I shrugged
finishing the glass of champagne in my hand, and placed it down
on a table.
“Have you seen Nick?” I finally asked.
Cassie shook her head, and then proceeded to tell me that she
had arrived early and had not seen him at all. My head cocked,
slightly confused. He had told me he was going to help set things
up. I glanced around the room, and spotted Mason. My mouth
dropped and my eyes fluttered at the sight of him. He wore a threepiece suit, dark black with lavender. He looked gorgeous, as
always. Ugh I hated him. I watched as he smiled and spoke to the
couple in front of him. His eyes wandered a moment from the
couple. That’s when he caught my stare. His head jerked taking a
second look in my direction. My cheeks flared and I looked away.
He tried to continue with his conversation but his eyes were still on
me. Then I watched as he excused himself. He started walking
towards me, and I turned away nervously. The butterflies in my
stomach were fluttering feverishly, and I thought I’d be sick at any
moment. When he closed in on me, I felt his touch on my shoulder
before turning around. His eyes looked me up and down.
“You look—beautiful,” he gasped. My lips parted, and I let out
a nervous gasp. His thumb stroked my bare shoulder delicately.
Suddenly, I found myself lost in his blue eyes again. His smile
slowly widened. It was then I realized he had done it again, reeled
me in. I bent to release his touch and backed away, his smile
disappeared.
“Please—don’t,” I gasped, looking around nervously.
His chest rose and fell rapidly. “Why not?” His face looked
strained.
“I’m going to tell Nick tonight,” I replied.
“Tell Nick what?” he asked and scrunched his face.
“Don’t play stupid with me, Mason. You know what I’m talking
about.” I scowled.
“He may not care.” He shrugged, turning away.
“What?” I hissed. “Why would you say that?” I grabbed his
arm. He shrugged, dismissing my question, then had the nerve to
ask me to dance like it was nothing.
“May I have this dance?” he asked loudly. A smirk curling his
lip, he held out his hand. As I made the attempt to reject him,
everyone turned to stare. I cowered from their glares and took his
hand in mine. He took me onto the dance floor, purposely brushing
his hand against the bare skin on my lower back.
“Have you seen Nick?” I asked, looking around the room.
He looked away, eyes scanning the crowd. “He’s around.” His
eyes stopped, and I followed his stare. There were too many
people around for me to see who he was looking at. Then his eyes
fell on mine again, his stare intense. “I don’t regret it,” he said.
“You should,” I replied, looking around, feeling shameful.
“Well, I don’t, and neither should you,” he said, bringing his
face closer to mine.
“When did you get back?” I asked, changing the subject.
He shrugged. “Two nights ago.”
“What brought you back?” I replied.
“Do you really want to know?” He looked down at me, but I
looked away, shaking my head.
“I should go find Nick,” I said, and tried to let go but the
grabbed my hand and pulled me back.
“You,” he said, eliminating the space between us. “His eyes
searching mine but I couldn’t look at him. He bent down he
craned his neck to try and make me look at him.
I raised my hand to stop him from saying anything more.
“Mason—”
“I wanted you to know.” He grabbed my hand and placed it on
his chest over his heart. “I needed you to know. I didn’t know
about you and Nick,” he said, leaning closer. “I was coming home
to be with you.”
I shut my eyes, pulling free. “No . . . I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be.” He scowled. “It’s my fault. All of it.” He stepped
back and turned, staring. His arms folded across his chest, he
nodded in the direction of the bar. I followed his stare and saw
Nick in a charcoal-grey suit with a cobalt-blue shirt and tie. I felt
the love swell in my heart, until I saw the beautiful woman with
curly golden hair clinging on his arm. My head tilted, confused,
and my heart stopped as I watched her touch him affectionately.
“W—who is that?” I choked. I watched a little longer. Nick
laughed along with another couple, and the woman placed her head
on his shoulder, lacing her fingers with his.
“Oh my god! Who the hell is that?” I gasped and turned back,
glaring at Mason. He was half smirking when I looked at him.
“You knew?”
“Lauren,” Mason touched my arm, pulling me towards him. The
apologetic look on his face said more than his words. “I’m sorry.”
My lips began to tremble, and I shook my head in disbelief. I
turned and started walking away, then stopped. The anger building
inside, I turned and started towards Nick. I had been beating
myself up all night feeling so much guilt, and for what? He was
not being honest with me either. As I approached, Nick’s head
turned and he spotted me. Fear filled his face. I shook my head
furiously. He slipped away from the woman, and came towards
me, taking me in different direction than where she was standing.
When we were alone, I spun around, staring him down, waiting for
an explanation. Then Mason walked in.
“Why are you in here, Mason?” I asked.
“Should I tell her, Nick, or are you going to?” Mason snarled,
turning to face his brother.
Nick shook his head, and sneered, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t
you?”
“What the hell is going on?” I demanded.
“It’s just like you,” Nick growled.
“This one’s on you.” Mason scowled, turned on one heel and
walked out.
“What is going on? Who is that woman you are with, Nick?” I
asked, fighting the impending tears.
His eyes shut and he started apologizing. “Lauren—”
“Nick?”
“I’m sorry, Lauren. I should have told you.” He pressed his
thumb and index finger against his eyes. “She wasn’t supposed to
come here.”
“Who wasn’t supposed to come here and why?” I searched his
eyes, praying for a different answer. “Nick?” I fought the sobs.
“Her name is Stacey, the woman I’m with.” He turned away,
rubbing his jaw downwards. “S—she is my fiancée.” His voice
began to break. My breath halted and I stood there motionless and
weak. He spun around to face me again and I wanted to lash out, I
wanted to slap him but I couldn’t. His eyes were screaming for
forgiveness with each translucent trickle of emotion.
My heart plummeted; my mouth gaped. “Your—what?” I
gasped. He reached out for me, but I backed away. He rubbed his
forehead with one hand and held his waist with the other. “When I
came to Portland, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married—” he
cried.
“Please tell me that you’re joking,” I said. My body began to
tremble.
His head slowly shook. “I’m so sorry, Lauren.” He reached for
me again, but I slapped his hand way. His eyes watered, and his
lips pressed thinly. “I didn’t think I would meet someone like you
while I was here.”
“You’re sorry?” I scoffed. “We have been together for two
months, Nick, and you failed to tell me that you were engaged.”
Angry tears poured down my cheeks. “And to think I was feeling
guilty for kissing Mason last night.”
“You kissed Mason?” he gasped. His hand cupped over his
mouth.
“Don’t turn this around. I tried to tell you earlier, but you
skipped out on me once again!” I growled. “There is a big
difference between what I did and what you are doing! Does she
even know about me?”
He shook his head, stammering, “We were on a break. I was
confused and—”
“What were you confused about, Nick?” I barked.
He looked at me with teary eyes. “How I felt about you,” he
whispered, and then the tears fell effortlessly.
“How do you feel about me, Nick? Because to me right now, it
feels like I meant nothing.” I choked on my breath, unable to
believe what was happening.
“I love you, Lauren.” His eyes watered. “I mean that.”
“But?” I pressed my fingers against my trembling lips.
“I love her too.” His head hung back. “Seeing her again brought
all those feelings back, and I can’t choose without—”
I raised my hand, interjecting. “You don’t have to,” I said and
stormed out.
“Lauren—” he called out. I walked past Mason shooting him a
nasty look before I disappeared.
Everything from there on out blurred together. My ears buzzed,
and my heart beat so fast that it was the only thing I could hear. I
didn’t stop, not for a second and not until I reached the snowcovered cobblestones outside. I didn’t even think before I got in
my car and started driving away. I sobbed uncontrollably, unable
to stop and unable to see the road clearly through the flood of tears
spilling from my eyes. I told myself to stay away from them. I
should have just listened to my gut.
Everything felt as if it were going in warp speed, and I didn’t
realize how slick the roads were until it was too late. I hit a patch
of black ice and the car spun out of control, hitting the bridge’s
cement wall, flipping the car right over it. I saw the water coming
towards the windshield before I realized what had happened. My
life flashed before my eyes, and Matt appeared next to me. His
eyes sad, he took my hand in his.
The force of the impact knocked me unconscious.