Hard To Love (17 page)

When we got to the house, Mason asked my mother for
permission to come in. She was quick to tell him to go home, but
when she saw my face, she allowed him in.

“I’ll make a pot of tea
,” she told me as she walked down the
hall. “Shall I bring it up?”
“Yes, please.” I thanked her and continued up to my room with
Mason’s assistance.
“You looked amazing in that dress by the way,” he said, sitting
on my bed.
“Thanks,” I said, rolling my eyes. I wanted to forget that night
had ever happened. “You did too.” I sat next to him. “Why
couldn’t you just tell me how you felt?” My hands fiddled with the
hem on my sweater.
“Because I’m an idiot,” he laughed.
“Well”—I laughed— “I kind of figured that out.”
“Sorry,” he smiled.
“Seriously, Mason.” I turned, lifting my leg on the bed so I
could face him.
“The last time I allowed myself to love, it destroyed me. I
couldn’t allow it to happen again,” he said, looking down at the
carpet.
“You thought that I would hurt you?” I scoffed, and took his
hand in mine. “I so did not get that from your actions.”
“No.” His breath shuddered. “I knew you were different.”
“Then why leave?” I asked.
His shoulders slouched. “I wasn’t ready. I knew that if I stayed
and continued on the path we were on, I would end up hurting you.
I couldn’t live with myself if I did.” His breath hitched.
“But you hurt me anyway,” I replied.
“It was a different kind of hurt.” He looked up at me. “That kind
of hurt is forgivable.”
“How did you know I’d forgive you?” I asked.
“I—I didn’t,” he stuttered.
“Yet you took the chance anyway?” I replied, disheartened.
“Yes,” he whispered.
“How do I know you won’t do it again?” I asked.
“I won’t,” he said confidently.
“But how do I know you won’t? You say it, but do you mean
it?” I stood, walking around my room. I wasn’t sure if I should
give him a chance at my heart again.
“I would never have told you that I loved you if I wasn’t willing
to try,” he said, getting to his feet and stopping me from pacing.
“I care about you, Mason,” I said looking into his beautiful blue
eyes as they gazed upon me. I stepped back, furiously pacing in
front of him again. “Yes, you hurt me, not once but three times,
Mason. Once when you left, then the letter and then when you
returned. This is the only time I will forgive you for it,” I said
matter-of-factly. “So if you love me, then say it, and I want it to be
epic. I want to feel it deep down in my soul.” I walked towards
him. “Otherwise, I am leaving Portland, and I won’t be coming
back, not for you, not for anyone.”
His eyes started to water. “It was so hard to be away from you,
Lauren. I thought about you every day.”
“Mason.” I sighed and crossed my arms.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you, Lauren.” His lips trembled.
“I won’t deny that it was more painful to fall for you than it was
to let you go,” I said and stood in front of him. “I don’t even know
if I can trust you.”
“I am sorry that I caused you pain—” He moved close to me. “I
love you, Lauren, more than my heart can handle.” He began to
cry. “I regret leaving you and hurting you the way I did, but I was
so scared.” His hands cupped my cheeks. “I will never leave you
again,” he said with conviction this time. “I will do everything in
my power to prove this to you.” Our lips hovered. My body folded
into him. “When I saw the lights in the water, my whole world
turned upside down. I didn’t know if I could live without you.” He
grabbed my face in his hand. The tears burst from his eyes. His
arms enveloped me, and I felt his body shake as he cried. “I will
spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you,” he
whispered in my ear. His lips slowly slid across my cheek
smoothly. “Forever,” he breathed against my lips.
Then we finally kissed.
“I will hold you to it,” I said, jerking my head away. He smiled,
and then my mother knocked before she walked in and placed the
two cups of tea on my dresser.

When I pulled up to the Fosters
’ home two weeks after the
incident, my heart pounded hard against my chest. I had told
Mason that I wanted to take things slow, because I wanted to make
sure that I could trust him. We had been avoiding going to his
house when we saw each other but this time I had no choice but to
meet him there, my mother was invited to the New Year’s party of
the year, and I couldn’t let her show up alone. I had not seen Nick
since the accident, and I wasn’t entirely sure how it would affect
me. Mason had told me his mother was not my biggest fan like that
was supposed to be comforting to me. What I did notice though
was how she never protested about us dating the way she did with
Nick and me. I guess it was because Mason had spent most of his
life disappointing her and Nick was the perfect one, turns out not
so perfect. It bothered me to know that I was the disappointment
this time around, but I put it to the back of my mind as I turned off
the ignition. I looked myself over in the mirror, making sure my
hair and make-up looked good. My hair was pinned up in a bun,
and I wore subtle colours on my eyes and lips. My dress was pale
pink, accentuating my figure but not in an inappropriate way—and
of course, white pumps. The Fosters New Year’s celebration
dinner was a party no one would miss. All their closest friends and
family would be there. Mr. Porter even showed up for the event,
according to Mason. Before getting out of the car, I looked over at
her, making sure she was all right. But she was already getting out
of the car, brushing her hands down her dress, making sure it
wasn’t out of place. She looked so pretty.

“Thanks again for coming
with me,” she said, turning to face
me.
“Well, I can’t hide forever.” I sighed and took her hand, and we
walked up the cobblestone driveway to the door. As we
approached, the door opened, and the butler stood holding it open
for us to walk through. When we walked in, my mother was
recognized immediately. People swarmed her with hugs. I stood
next to her, smiling.
“Hey, gorgeous,” Mason whispered as he wrapped his arms
around me and lifted me off the ground a little.
“Hey.” I replied nervously, wrapping my arms around him. “I
love the pink tie.”
“Thanks. I thought we could match.” His lips curved upward.
“Come with me. I want you to meet my father.” His fingers laced
with mine. My brow rose confused. “My—other father,” he
corrected. I looked back at my mother before we disappeared down
the hall. She looked up at me, smiling, and gave me a nod. It felt
weird being here with Mason. I was still trying to get used to the
idea of us being together. Apart from his family and my mother, no
one really knew I had dated Nick. I’m sure his mother didn’t
spread that around. I could only imagine what she thought of me.
Dating the prodigy and leaving him for the misfit. I scorned myself
for thinking so negatively.
When we got in the ballroom, Nick was standing next to his
fiancée, chatting with another couple. Our eyes connected and his
smile thinned. I tried to smile, but seeing that look on his face
hurt. His head slowly turned away.
“Dad.” Mason stopped, tapped his father on the shoulder.
Robert turned to face us, looked down at me and smiled.
“Lauren,” he said, surprised but gave me a big smile.
“Mr. Foster.” I shook his hand.
“Please call me Robert.” He nodded at Mason. Then his eyes
fell on me. “You have grown into a beautiful young woman, just
like your mother,” he said, smiling. Then it hit me. My mother had
mentioned that she had been in love with Robert back when they
were teenagers.
“Thank you,” I replied bashfully. “My mother is here, actually.”
“Is she?” He looked around, his eyes lighting up. “It would be
nice to catch up.” His reaction put a smile on my face.
“I left her in the foyer, where she was mauled by the ladies,” I
said with a chuckle.
“I’ll have to rescue her then,” he smirked, then excused himself.
“My dad knew your mom?” Mason asked as he turned and
watched his father disappear down the hallway.
“Yep.” I smiled, turning to look up at him. “It was a long time
ago.” I added. “I need a drink.”
“Follow me,” he said. I felt the nervousness fill me as he laced
his fingers with mine. He led me to the bar in the den. “Looks like
we’re out of the good stuff in here, I’ll be right back.” He kissed
my cheek then left the room.
“Evening,” Nick said as he came up from behind me. I could
hear the strain in his voice as he spoke. My heart thudded in my
chest but I turned to face him anyway.
“Evening,” I replied, trying to disguise my own pain. The other
people in the room left one by one, leaving Nick and me alone. He
looked around the room, then back at me. He stood awfully close,
drink in his hand and the other hand tucked in the pocket of his
pants. I tried to find something to focus on other than him. He
looked good in his snow-white cashmere shirt and black dress
pants. He leaned on the shelf, looking as nervous as I felt.
“It’s good to see you,” he said, clearing his throat. I hated this
little show we were putting on.
“You too,” I lied. I didn’t want to see him. Not yet at least. I
knew I would eventually have to run into him. I just wished it
wasn’t this soon.
“Liar,” he croaked, smiling. My eyes widened, surprised. “I
know I’ve said it before, but I wanted to say it again.” He moved
closer. “I’m terribly sorry for my behaviour.” His breath caught in
his throat.
“I know, Nick,” I replied, looking away because his intense
stare was more than I could bear. His broken voice was killing me
inside.
“Are you sure?” he asked, getting choked up. I could hear the
sob brewing in the back of his throat. “It wasn’t because Mason
was easy to fall back on?” He inched closer. I looked down at the
ground, not quite sure what to say to that.
“No. It wasn’t like that,” I replied, looking up at him, again.
“Sure it wasn’t,” he said, dragging his hand down his jaw.
He moved closer still, and then I felt the gentle caress of his
fingers touching the curve of my neck, trailing delicately over to
my chin, and lifting it so that we were looking at each other. I was
a little put off when his finger lingered across the edge of my
bottom lip. “I love you,” he gulped. “That hasn’t changed.” He
paused, looking at the door where Mason had exited through.
When his eyes met mine again, I started to feel the tears sting my
eyes. “I never lied to you about that. Yes, I should have been
honest from the beginning. That is something I will forever regret.”
His voice shook as he spoke and his lip quivered.
“I don’t want you to regret it, Nick,” I replied, biting my lip.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I would have chosen you,” he
whispered regretfully. “Would you have stayed?”
“Nick—” It was an unfair question. I couldn’t give him an
answer to a hypothetical question. “I can’t answer that.”
The shake in his voice was so unbearable. “You’re right. It’s
unfair of me to ask.” His eyes bore into mine, making me
uncomfortable, but I couldn’t look away. “I’ll say this, though.
Those few months that we spent together were the best months of
my life.” His thumb stroked my cheek, just as Mason returned.
Nick leaned in and kissed my cheek then stepped back. “No one
compares to you,” he whispered, then he eyed Mason as he walked
out of the room. My eyes watered and I bit down on my lip,
holding my breath. Mason sauntered towards me. I took a moment
before I could look up at him and smiled sincerely.
“Everything okay?” he asked, watching Nick leave.
“Yep,” I lied, swiping the tear that managed to escape.
“I feel as though I have interrupted something.” He handed me
a glass as he stood directly in front of me. I knew he was trying to
read my expression.
“He apologized again, that’s all,” I said with a shrug. He eyed
me, glancing over at the doorway. Nick stood in view.
“Is that all he said? Because it looked like more.”
“Yes,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Stop worrying.” I stretched to
kiss him.
“Oh, I’m not worried.” He forced a smile.

It was half an hour to midnight. Cassie and I had gotten lost in
the music on the dance floor. Mason only joined us when there was
a slow song on. I even found my mother enjoying the party—with
Robert. It was a little weird seeing her with another man, but it had
been three years since my father died. I wasn’t expecting her to be
alone for the rest of her life, but it will take some getting used to.
Then I felt someone take my hand, and when I turned thinking it
was Mason, I found Nick standing behind me. He pulled me away
before Cassie noticed.

“Nick?” I said
, trying to break free. “Where are you taking
me?” I asked, trying to resist. He led me out onto the patio, then
through the garden towards the hedges that bordered their yard.
“Nick!” When we finally stopped walking, he slowly turned to
face me, letting my hand go. “What is going on?” I breathed. His
head turned, and he focused on the distance between us and the
house. I turned and realized that we were far, and no one would see
us standing here in the dark.

I looked around.
“Okay, but why do you have to talk to me out
here, where it’s cold and secluded?” I asked.
“I didn’t want anyone to hear.” He looked at me, took off his
blazer and handed it to me.
“What do you have to tell me that no one else can hear?” I
asked. What I should have done was turn around and head back to
the house. I should not have entertained this.
His voice was raspy. “It’s bad enough that I’m feeling this way.
I can’t have everyone knowing I feel it,” he said, looking up at the
starry sky. “Until I met you, I never lied to anyone about
anything.”
“Should I feel special about that?” It was a little harsh, but I
wasn’t into playing games. I ended things between us for a reason.
“No! That’s not what I was saying,” he scoffed. “You mean a
lot to me, and in that short amount of time I lied to protect you—”
“So this is my fault?” I gasped, shrugging his jacket off.
Nick stepped forward to stop me, holding my shoulders. “No,
please just let me explain.” His voice caught in his throat as he
struggled to form the words. As the tears rolled down his face, he
sobbed into his hands. “I—I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Nick—”
“I know it’s ridiculous, right? I know,” He stepped back,
running his hands through his hair. “No matter what I do—” He
choked. I turned my head to avoid his tearful stare. I couldn’t
handle his emotions, right now. “I knew the moment I said it—I
couldn’t take it back,” he said.
“I can’t do this.” I stepped back.
He nodded. “Trust me, I know. I just—I couldn’t leave without
knowing . . .” His voice trailed off. A single tear trickled from his
eyes.
“This isn’t fair, Nick.” My lips pressed thinly.
“I know. I have no right to ask this of you. I don’t deserve to
know considering what I’ve done,” he said, taking my hand in his.
“I’m with Mason now.” I struggled with my emotions. “That’s
not to say that I never loved you. But you hurt me, Nick—”
“So did Mason!” he retorted.
“It’s not the same and you know it,” I said and rubbed my
fingers across my forehead in frustration. “When I fell for Mason,
it was different. He never told me how he felt,” I clarified. “It felt
more like—like a fantasy.”
“It is the same,” Nick scoffed.
I shook my head. “What Mason did hurt my ego more than my
heart,” I stated. My hand cupped his cheek, and I brushed my
thumb across his damp cheek. It broke my heart to see him so sad.
“But when we fell in love, Nick, you failed to tell me that you were
struggling with whether or not you loved another woman, a woman
you were still engaged to.” Tears pooled in my eyes. “That hurt
me—more—than anything else,” I choked. “I gave myself to you,
my heart and my soul. I was all in and you were only half in.” For
a long time we stood there staring at each other, and I knew I
should walk away, but something inside forced me to stay. He
looked away, but I could still see the tears fall down his cheeks.
What I hadn’t expected was the feel of his hands on my cheeks,
then the taste of his tears on my lips.
“I love you,” he said through our lips. My hands cupped over
his, and I slowly pulled his hands from my face. He twisted his
hands around mine, lacing his fingers with mine. “I miss you.” His
forehead pressed against mine, our rapid breaths seen in the cold
air. My body shook as I cried. It was a mistake coming here, but it
was too late to change that.
“You need to let me go,” I said, my lips trembling. “You have
to let me go.” His eyes continued to search mine. I caressed his
cheek with the palm of my hand, waiting for him to acknowledge
my words. “I love you, but you have to let me go,” I sobbed.
Nick’s eyes watered as he stared me down. Then slowly he
backed away, nodding his head, one hand still holding mine, the
other wiping his face. Together we walked side by side back to the
house, but when we reached the patio, he stopped. I glanced up and
saw Mason standing on the stairs watching, Nick turned to walk
around the house. I watched as he disappeared. I shook my head,
and then made my way up the stairs, standing next to Mason. He
stood ridged, both his hands stuffed in his pockets, looking less
than impressed, and I didn’t blame him.
“Hey,” I said.
“Why were you out here with him?” Mason asked, staring out at
the yard and not at me.
“He wanted to talk to me,” I replied.
“Why are you wearing his jacket, and why did he go around the
side of the house just to avoid me?” He looked down at me.
“I’m wearing his jacket because it’s cold, and I don’t know why
he went around the house. You’ll have to ask him,” I said, taking
off the jacket and placing it on a chair as I entered the house.
“Is there something I need to know?” Mason asked eyeing me.
“No.” I shrugged.
The anguish I felt inside was killing me. No sense in upsetting
him over what happened between Nick and me. What would be the
point in telling Mason that Nick told me that he was still in love
with me and then he kissed me? It would just start a fight—then
again, if I didn’t tell him, Nick might bring it up and I would end
up looking like the bad guy. I huffed, staring down at the ground.
“I knew it.” Anger filled his face.
“Stop.” I grabbed his hand as he walked past me. “Mason, just
let it go.” I followed him.
“No, I won’t let it go, Lauren.” He pulled away from me. “He
had his chance—”
“Mason.” Mason turned slowly to face me. The silence was
deafening. “I didn’t come here tonight to start the New Year
angry.” His shoulders relaxed, but he didn’t move from where he
stood. I took a few steps towards him, closing the gap between us.
“I told you that I care about you, Mason. That is not going to
change. I want to bring in the New Year with you, to begin
something special.” His jaw loosened, and he finally looked at me.
I stretched my hand out, grabbed his, and he reeled me in. “It
won’t be easy for Nick. We just broke up and now I’m with you.
Think about how you felt when you heard about him and me.” It
sounded as awful out loud as it did in my head.
Was I crazy?
“I love you,” he whispered. Our lips grazed lightly. Mason
shuddered, breathing me in. His arms embraced me and I held him
tight. I pulled back to look at him. He grinned, lifted me off the
ground and kissed me again. I felt bad for not saying it back, but I
was not ready.