Hard To Love (12 page)

When I pulled up to the hospital, my breath hitched. My head
turned slowly. I stared at him in awe. “What. Do. You. Do. Here?”
I stammered. Everything about this day was making me question
my feelings towards Nick. I stared into his beautiful blue eyes,
wanting desperately to kiss him.

“You amaze me
, Nick,” I said, choking back a sob. I couldn’t
believe how much he had touched me in one day.
“Well, normally, my mother does this. She is the one you
should be amazed with,” he said with a sweet smile. “I sub in
occasionally.”
“You shouldn’t sell yourself short, Nick. It’s still pretty
amazing.” I turned away, feeling the tears well in my eyes.
“When my mother was young, her younger sister died of
leukemia, at the age of ten. This is the one place Mom feels she
should spend most of her time, as a way of honouring her.”
“I—I didn’t know.” I bit my lip.
“No one really knows. She does this because it gives her peace.
She doesn’t do this to be recognized.” He took off his seat belt. “I
now understand why she does it,” he added. I turned to look at
him, feeling the urge to hug him and tell him how much this
affected me, but then he opened the car door and got out. He stood
outside the car, bending down. “Thanks for helping me out today.”
“Of course,” I said, smiling. I didn’t want to leave him just yet.
I wanted to be near him a little longer. He shut the door, and I
watched as he made his way to the front doors. I took my phone
out of my purse and stared at the screen, then started dialing. “Mrs.
Peterson, please,” I asked. After lying to Mrs. Peterson about
being ill, I parked the car down the street and headed back to the
hospital. Then I called my mom and explained to her that I wasn’t
feeling well and had taken the day off work and was at the
doctor’s. Technically, it wasn’t a total lie because I was at the
hospital, just not for myself. I hung up with her and walked
through the automatic doors. I had no idea where to go even after I
checked the map of the entire hospital. It wasn’t specific enough
for me to just wander around looking, so I asked the woman at the
information desk. “Hi,” I said, walking towards her. “I am looking
for the, uh—children’s cancer ward?” I didn’t even know what to
really call it.
“Take that elevator to the second floor, and make a right when
you get out. Follow the signs after that,” she said and pointed to
the set of elevator doors behind me.
On the second floor, I got out of the elevator just as she
instructed and looked up at the hanging signs. I walked straight
ahead, turning right according to the sign, and came across a wing
named after the Foster’s. I figured it had to be in the right place.
When I found the main desk, I spoke to one of the nurses there.
“Hi, I’m looking for Nick Porter. He—”
“Follow me,” she said with a wide grin. She walked me down
the hall to a room enclosed in glass. Inside the room was a group
of kids sitting on chairs around Nick.
“Thanks,” I said, turning to look at her. I stood outside the door,
watching him. Parents stood around as well with big smiles on
their faces. Everyone was so happy to see him.
I didn’t want to interrupt, so I continued to watch from outside.
“You can go in,” a nurse said, startling me, as she opened the
door. Nick looked up, smiling, then stopped talking when he saw
me walk in, making me smile as his face lit up. Quickly he
recovered and continued reading. I sat in the corner of the room
just watching him as he played and coloured with the kids. Some
of the parents were talking about Nick and his mother. Everyone
really liked his mother, and the single women were very interested
in Nick. I smiled, looking at him through my peripheral vision.
Nobody mentioned Mason, and I realized I had fallen for the
wrong brother all along. Nick noticed me gazing in his direction
and flashed me a smile that made my cheeks flush. I couldn’t help
but admire him.
“Mr. Porter, your package has arrived.” A nurse stepped in the
room. He smiled and got up from where he was colouring.
“I’ll be right back,” he assured them, then nodded at me. When
he returned to the room, he had a box filled with toys. The
children’s faces lit up as if it were Christmas day. He handed out a
toy to every child, and then told them it was time for him to go. It
was time to visit the children who were unable to come to the
playroom. The kids ran up and hugged him good-bye. Then as he
walked towards the door, he jerked his head for me to follow. The
women who had been talking about him stared at me with their
mouths slightly ajar. I revelled in their jealousy, even though
nothing was going on with Nick and me.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. “I thought you had to
work?” He walked beside me.
I shrugged. “I felt that this was more important.” He stopped
walking, and the way he looked at me made my heart flutter.
“I think this is amazing, Nick. You’re amazing.” I averted my
eyes. “I—I don’t even know how to explain how this makes me
feel.” When I looked up at him again, he was staring at me, his
eyes searching mine. I wanted to grab him, hold him tight and
never let him go. Show him how it made me feel. If he stared at
me any longer, I would be knocking that box out of his hand and
grabbing him whether he expected it or not.
“I just have this box left to hand out. Will you join me?” He
asked holding out his hand.
“Absolutely,” I happily replied taking his hand.
We stopped by four rooms, with children whose conditions
were worse than other’s. Nick’s compassion overwhelmed me,
and I had to look away to hide the tears.
Later, as we walked up to my car, I turned and faced Nick,
making him come to an abrupt stop. I wasn’t sure what I wanted
to say, but I wanted to say something. With my eyes locked on
Nick’s, I took a step closer. My heart had never pounded so fast
before.
“I’m so glad that you let me come along with you today,” I
began. He attempted to speak, but I raised my hand, gesturing that
I wasn’t finished. His smirk made me melt inside. My breath
halted, and my eyes fluttered while he gazed at me. “I feel so
touched by you,” I replied, starting to get choked up. “You are not
the person I thought you were.”
Nick’s jaw tensed. Then he looked down at the ground
nervously. His hand went into his pants pockets. “You are giving
me far too much credit, Lauren.” He blushed.
“Oh, stop.” I scowled. “You can’t honestly think that what you
do here isn’t amazing,” I said, feeling myself falling for him. “You
should’ve seen the looks on the children’s faces when you handed
those toys out. It was like Christmas to them.” I inched closer.
“I’ve known you for a month now, Nick, and other than our first
introduction, you have yet to disappoint me.” My hand touched his
cheek before my mind thought it. His head slowly rising, we
stared into each other’s eyes. “You’re so beautiful,” I added and
couldn’t believe the words had even left my mouth. He was
beautiful, and not just on the outside. His hands cradled my face,
and I felt my breath stutter and my eyes water. Then he moved in
and pressed his lips softly on mine. My arms wrapped around him,
holding him tight. He slowly pulled away to look at me. His eyes
were wet, but he was smiling. I pulled him close, hugging him
again.
“Those are the kindest words anyone has ever said to me,” he
whispered, pulling away, his thumb stroking my cheek. He rested
his forehead on mine, and then lightly kissed me again.
“That is hard to believe,” I gasped.
“I’m dead serious. When people look at me, they see money, a
trust fund kid. No one has ever looked past all that. But you have.”
His fingers traced along my jawline. “Thank you.”
“No. Thank you for sharing this side of you.” I smiled.
He kissed me again, “Did you want to do something tonight?”
he breathed through our lips.
“Well—since I am suddenly free . . .” I smirked. “I don’t care
what we do, just as long as it’s with you.” I caressed his cheeks in
my hands. His bashful smile made my heart patter. I looked away
from his burning stare, biting my lip. If I didn’t walk away now,
we would be standing here all day but then he scooped me up in
his arms kissing me hard. Chills rippled through my body, from
my lips to my stomach, causing a serious case of butterflies.

When we pulled up to his house later that night,
he didn’t get
out right away. He turned in his seat to face me. I stared out the
windshield nervously. I didn’t know what was going to come of
this day, but if nothing happened, it wouldn’t make me think of
him any less.

“I’m not sure w
hat to say,” Nick said, breaking the silence.
“Me either.” I laughed nervously.
“I like you,” he added, cupping his hand over mine.
“I like you too,” I gasped and turned to look at him. “I sense a

but
coming.”
He smiled, hanging his head. “You fell for Mason and—”
“I am so over Mason and his bullshit, it’s not even funny.” I

shook my head, furious.
“You say that, but I saw something between the two of you that
I never thought—”
Interrupting him again, I said, “Nick, I wouldn’t tell you that I
liked you if I still had feelings for Mason. I know it seems awful
because I liked him and now I like you, but it’s not like that.
Mason and I never dated, never really had much of anything,
actually,” I stated.
“So if I said I wanted to see you again, you wouldn’t oppose?”
he asked.
“Of course not,” I laughed, and then turned to face him again. “I
would love to see you again,” I said, my voice soft.
“Good.” He leaned in, reaching across the seat, cupping my
face.
“Night,” he whispered and kissed me.
“Good night,” I whispered biting my bottom lip.
His hand slipped into my hair, pulling me in, his lips hard
against mine. The kiss continued and passion filled us until we
could no longer take it. “I should go,” I said, breathless, pulling
away. His chest moved rapidly. He licked his lips then nodded.
Eventually, he moved away from me and got out of the car. I
closed my eyes as he started to walk towards the house.
I needed a moment before starting the car.
Being with Nick felt good. It felt right.

It had been a week since I told Nick how I felt, and we had
practically spent every spare minute together. I knew it was fast,
but the way we met and the disasters that followed made it feel less
awkward. To us it didn’t feel rushed. He had kissed me first and
then I had kissed him as part of a game. What’s more awkward
than that? When I was with him, all I thought about was, will this
be my forever? I knew he lived in Washington with his father and
that it was five hours away. In theory, that wasn’t a far drive to
spend every weekend together. In reality, we both had jobs, which
meant I’d be working weekends and he wouldn’t. This made me
think about my past choices and what I went to college for.

Perhaps I should have chosen better
—for the simple reason that
the mere thought of not seeing him every day bothered me . . .
immensely.

At that moment my mind should have been on the fact that his
arms were wrapped around me, but all I thought about was, what if
I never saw him again? My heart palpitated at the thought. Even
though I was very aware of his hands moving across my back as
we lay on the sofa watching television, my mind was elsewhere.
He looked down at me, smiling, kissing my forehead. I couldn’t
imagine not being with him. But I needed to know before things
went any further.

“Nick
,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” he answered, shifting to reach the remote, and turned
off the television, giving me his undivided attention, another thing
I adored him for. Then he touched my cheek lovingly. “What’s on
your mind?”
I could barely get the words out. My heart and mind were
running wildly. “How did you know something was on my mind?”
“The look on your face,” he replied. Then, as his fingers stroked
the sides of my face, my heart pounded even harder. I was afraid
that if I said something it would undo everything that was so
magical about us.
I sat up cleared my throat and spat it out. “When are you
leaving?”
His eyes narrowed and he looked a little confused. “For—
Washington?” he asked. I nodded, and then looked away. “I—I
never even thought about it, to tell you the truth.” He sat up, taking
my hand in his. “I’ve been enjoying this time with you so much
that the last thing on my mind was leaving.”
“A—are you going back?” I asked and finally looked up at him.
“Eventually, yes. I have to.” His smile was thin and strained.
“It’s not that far.”
“I know,” I replied, trying to smile. He was right it wasn’t far
but do long distance relationships really work? Maybe I could
move to Washington if things work out for us—just then the front
door opened and Abigail’s voice bellowed down the hall from the
front foyer.
“Nicholas, are you home, dear?” Her heels clacked on the
marble floor as she made her way down the hall. Nick stood and
walked over to the doorway pulling on his shirt. “Oh, darling, I’ve
missed you.” She hugged him, and then looked over at me. “I see
you’ve kept busy.” She let go of Nick and sidestepped around
him. “Lauren.” She glared at me as though I were sitting there
naked.
“Mrs. Foster.” I smiled and attempted to stand when she took
Nick’s arm glared at him then they walked away.
“How did things go in my stead?” she asked, practically pulling
him out of the room.
“Fine. I spent Tuesday reading . . .” That was the last thing I
heard before Nick and his mother disappeared down the hall. Then
Mr. Foster walked in and joined me.
“Hello, Lauren,” he said, sitting down on the sofa across from
me, his leg crossed over the other.
“Mr. Foster,” I said with a nod. “How was your trip?” I asked.
“Short-lived.” He smiled with a nod.
He was about to tell me something else when Mrs. Foster
returned with Nick in tow. She looked right at me, stopping next to
the chair I was in.
“Lauren, I’m sorry to end this short, but we have some family
business to discuss,” she said, walking towards me. “If you don’t
mind,” she added. How could I mind, this was her house. My eyes
widened as I looked up at her, slowly glancing over at Nick.
“No, not at all,” I said and got to my feet, thinking that Nick
was going to follow me to the door. But when I turned, he hadn’t
moved from where he stood. “Call me later,” I said, but it actually
sounded more like a question. Walking backwards out of the room
I waited for any sort of nod or expression that this was going south.
Despite our conversation earlier, I was a bit bothered at his sudden
callousness to my departure. He nodded but still didn’t look up at
me. The butler met me at the door and showed me out. I stood on
the front step getting myself together. I was shaking, and afraid to
take another step in case I fell. I’m an idiot. I jinxed. I never
should have asked that question. I knew in my gut that asking him
was wrong. But I did it anyway. Tears flooded my eyes, the
thought of losing him tore me up inside.

When I got home, I searched the house for my mother finding
her sitting in the den, reading. I waited for her to look up at me,
making an attempt to not interrupt.

“What’s on your mind
, honey?” she asked and closed her book
over her finger. I screwed my lips, unsure of how to bring it up.
“Abigail got home today after two weeks in Palm Beach, and
she practically ran me out the door.” I folded my arms across my
chest.
“She did?” she replied, cocking her head.
“Yes. Nick and I have been seeing each other for a little over
two weeks now and I really like him, but I got the feeling she isn’t
happy about it,” I replied.
“Probably not, dear,” she said, looking down at her book.
I took a moment to let that sink in, then said, “Why?”
“You might attend their parties and eat brunch at their country
club once in a while, but you will never fit in with them,” she said,
turning in her seat.
“What?” I gasped. “Why not?”
“High society, sweetheart,” she sighed. “We are not quite—
their level.” She inhaled deeply, looking up at me again.
“Nick doesn’t strike me as—”
My mother interrupted, “Don’t underestimate the power of
money and status.” Her brow arched as she hung her legs over the
side of the sofa. Her lips thinned and she cupped her hand over
mine firmly. I stared at her confused.
“I refuse to believe Nick to be that shallow. Mason, yes. I truly
believe Mason would choose money over me, but Nick?” My eyes
went from shocked to sorrow-filled. Nick and I had just begun
something that I felt was meaningful. The last time I felt this from
a man was when Matt was alive. No way was I going to believe for
one second that Matt would be the last man to make me feel this
way. “Nick treats me good, Mom. I don’t want to lose that, not for
anyone.” Tears welled in my eyes.
Again she inhaled deeply, rubbing her palm over my knee, then
began, “Before I met your father, Robert Porter was a man I was
truly interested in.” She waited for my response, but I was too
shocked to reply. “Then his family gave him a choice.” She
shrugged and her eyes filled with sadness. “You understand how it
goes?” she asked.
“I—I never thought . . . She volunteers, she helps old people
and sick kids—” I stammered.
“She could save the world, sweetheart. It won’t change how
power and wealth dictate what we do,” she replied matter-offactly.
“So . . . I have already lost Nick before I even had him?” Tears
trickled from my eyes. “I—I’ll be in my room,” I said getting up
and leaving the room.
Shutting the door to my room, I suddenly realized that coming
back to Portland was a mistake. My heart has been crushed more
times since returning than the three years I spent away with Matt. I
crawled on top of my comforter and curled up in my pillow. What
was I thinking coming home? This wasn’t the life I wanted.
Eventually I cried myself to sleep.
There was a light rap at my bedroom door a while later, and
when I turned over, my mother was standing in the open doorway.
“Someone is here to see you,” she said, stepping aside, to reveal
Nick standing there. I sat up, wiping my cheeks.
My mother shut the door as she walked away.
“Hi,” he whispered, walking over to the bed. His smile was
melting me inside.
“Hi,” I replied, my voice strained. I was nervous and afraid he
was about to tell me that he couldn’t see me anymore. My heart
raced as he stood there silently with his hands in his pockets, and
his body swayed side to side. I closed my eyes and exhaled. “Tell
me the bad news and get it over with.”
“Bad news?” he questioned. His brow furrowed. He sat next to
me on the edge of the bed. I looked down at my hands as the tears
betrayed me
“The part where your mother said she doesn’t want us to see
each other anymore.” I wiped my cheek again with the sleeve of
my shirt.
His hand slid over mine, and with a gentle squeeze, he replied.
“You’re amazing.” He kissed my head. “I told her that it wasn’t
her place to decide whom I date.” He cupped my cheek, gently
turning my head to face him. “I also told her that I care about you a
great deal, and nothing will change that.” I bit down on my lip.
His fingers brushed the hair from my face. His stare was so intense
it made me want to cry.
“Really?” I choked back a sob.
“Yes.” He gave me a quick peck on the lips. I wrapped my
arms around his neck and held him tight.
“Oh, thank God.” I sobbed happily.
“I won’t let my mother dictate my life. That is why I live in
Washington with my father,” he said.
“I’m so happy to hear that.” I sighed, relieved.
Nick held me a little longer before springing something else on
me. “I, uh—I have this invitation to the annual winter festival in
two weeks,” he said, handing me a pretty ivory envelope with
embossed blue lettering.
I took the card and opened it. “I haven’t been to one before.”
“Now you will,” he said with a big smile and hugged me again.
“I have to go, but we will have dinner tomorrow night, okay?”
“Okay.” I smiled, feeling relieved. He grabbed my face,
planting a long warm kiss on my lips. I couldn’t help but fall
deeply for Nick. After he left my room, I fell back on the bed,
gazing up at the ceiling, revelling in the moment.
Then my phone rang Cassie’s tune. I answered, unable to hide
my excitement.
“You got the invite?” she said after hearing my voice.
“Yes!” I screeched.
“Then we need to go dress shopping,” she squealed.
“I’m off tomorrow.”
“It’s a date!” Cassie said before hanging up. I dropped my
phone on my chest and closed my eyes. Things were starting to
look up.

Later that night after work, I went to Shattered with Kelly and
Jennifer. Mike and Sam had some bachelor party to attend, so they
didn’t join us. It was nice just hanging out with the girls for once.
We played a few rounds of pool before Kelly and Jennifer got
bored and wanted to go home.

As I lied on my bed, I c
ouldn’t help but wonder what Nick was
doing. It was the first time we had not spent the entire day
together, in weeks. I sent Nick a text and waited.

Finally it was my day off, and I was no longer excited about
going dress shopping with Cassie. What was bothering me now
was that Nick was not returning any of my calls. When we weren’t
together, we were on the phone talking or texting. It was probably
nothing, but after the past few weeks together, it seemed out of
character. I dragged myself out of bed, walked over to the mirror
on my dresser, and stared at myself in the mirror.

Why was
n’t I good enough?
It’s not as though the Fosters were royalty. I know he said his
mother wasn’t going to control our relationship, and then told me
that everything was all right but it just didn’t feel as if it were.
Things weren’t the same. Usually, when someone avoids your calls
or doesn’t return a text, it means something’s up.
This made me wonder about the work thing he said he was busy
with. He only worked when he was home with his dad in
Washington. What could he possibly be doing here in Portland?

My mind was all about Nick. I couldn’t stop thinking about
him. I was so distracted with my thoughts that I never heard the
doorbell until my mother called for me. When it rang again, I
gathered my things and made my way down. Just as I answered
the door and saw Cassie standing there, my phone chimed. I
stopped short, looking down at my phone, swiping my finger
across the screen.

3:15 p.m. Me: Can’t wait to see you too.
3:16 p.m. Nick: I need to cancel dinner, but we will definitely get
together later, when I get home.
3:18 p.m. Me: Okay…

I stared at my phone, disappointed. I ha
dn’t seen much of him
the day before, and now he was canceling again. Slowly I looked
up at Cassie from my phone.

“I honestly don’t know
, Cass.” I ran my fingers through my
hair. “I’m worried that he is going to break up with me.”
“What—why would you think that?” She turned to look at me.
“His mother,” I said, sucking in a breath. “I know she acts as if
she likes me, but in reality she doesn’t think I am good enough for
her son.”
“I don’t think that’s what it is, Lauren,” Cassie said, touching
my arm. I noticed something in the way she looked at me.
“What is it?” I asked.
“What is what?” she said and turned to walk around the car.
“You know something.” I said stopping and crossing my arms.
Cassie was a terrible liar.
“What are you talking about?” She shrugged, but her face
betrayed her.
“Cass, come on. I’m not an idiot,” I replied. “I just have this
horrible feeling something is wrong.”
“I’m sure if you talk to Nick, he’ll clear it all up,” she replied.
I eyed her for a moment, and asked, “You would tell me if
something was wrong, right?” Cassie froze. Her eyes widened, she
looked away, turning the key in the ignition.
“Of course,” she scoffed.
Another lie.