Four Doors Down (26 page)

I turn my head without thinking and see Jake still standing with Jessica and the rest of their group. The girls and most of the guys are talking amongst themselves, but Jake is standing slightly apart from them with Ryan next to him. Both of their gazes are fixed on me. Unfortunately, it’s just when the first of my tears begin to fall and I quickly whip my head back to face Sam, wiping my face furiously.

Jake’s by my side in a second, Ryan right beside him. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

I shake my head. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”

“Becca?”

I turn to glance at Ryan. It’s the first thing he’s said to me in weeks and this is definitely the closest he’s been to me since we agreed to not speak. I quickly turn away from him. The last thing I want is him to know he was right about Charlie all along. I don’t need him gloating right now.

“Becs?”

That old nickname is nearly my undoing, but I don’t turn back to him. For some strange reason, I feel like if I look at Ryan, I won’t be able to hold it together. Instead, I blink rapidly trying to stop anymore tears from falling. “I’m fine,” I tell them through gritted teeth.

The bell rings and students up and down the hallway start making their way to class and Jake reluctantly leaves telling me that he’ll call me later.

“Do you wanna skip?” Sam asks me and it makes me want to hug her. Sam never skips, she cares too much to do that, but the fact that she’ll willingly do it for me makes me feel that little bit better.

“No. Let’s go to English,” and I turn and walk through Henderson’s door before either her or Ryan can say anything else.

I last all of ten minutes before I wish I hadn’t bothered with class. All I can think about is Charlie and the way he’s lied and cheated on me from the start. I can feel myself getting more and more worked up and I know that I need to get out of there.

I stand up abruptly. “May I be excused?” Henderson looks up from his desk in surprise, we’re supposed to be reading a passage in a book, “I’m really not feeling well,” I continue.

He looks at me for a couple of seconds and must see something in my face that stops him from questioning me. He nods and I quickly gather up my stuff and exit the classroom without bothering to wait for a hall pass.

I walk in a daze down the hallway, eyes down, unsure of where I’m even going. I can feel tears well in my eyes and I’m about to lose it. I make a quick detour down to my locker and throw it open, hiding my face inside it while the tears start to fall. I hear footsteps and I know that it’s Sam. She’s followed me out of English.

“Hey.” It’s not Sam. It’s Ryan. I don’t know how he got out of class or why he’s here and I don’t move, but for some reason the sound of his voice sets me off and my shoulders start shaking violently with sobs while I try to make sure I don’t make any noise.

“Becca?” He’s standing next to me now and gently touches my arm. I can’t hold it in anymore and I let out the breath I’ve been holding, making a weird sobbing noise. I sound like I’m being strangled, but I can’t keep it in.

“What’s happened?”

I shrug and look down at the ground.

“Do you want to get out of here?”

I look up and find him looking down at me with concern. I nod slightly. I really don’t want to lose it any further at school. He nods quickly, reaches down and picks up my bag, closes my locker and wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. I stare at the ground as he quickly guides me to the nearest exit and out into the parking lot. We reach his car and he opens the passenger door for me. I slide in and stare at the floor while he climbs into the driver’s seat and quickly pulls out of the lot.

I stare at the floor the whole way back to his house, unable to stop the tears from falling. I see him glance over at me a couple of times from the corner of my eye, but he doesn’t say anything. We pull up outside his house and he comes around and again helps me out of the car, putting his arm around me and leading me into his house. We walk through the house until we get to his den and sink down onto the sofa there. He sits next to me but doesn’t say anything, waiting until I’m ready to speak. Finally, I seem to have it under control.

“Charlie has a girlfriend. An actual girlfriend of two years. So it’s not even like he’s been cheating on me. I’m the other woman.” It doesn’t feel real saying the words out loud and I can’t even look at Ryan, I’m so ashamed. I let out a big sigh. “What is wrong with me? How could I have been so stupid?” Ryan rests his hand on my knee and I look over at him.

“You didn’t do anything wrong here, Becs. He’s the jackass.”

“I really liked him, Ryan. Like
really
liked him.”

“I know.”

“And I slept with him, Ryan.” I’m back to looking at the floor. “I just gave it up to him like it was nothing after only a few weeks. And it wasn’t even that good. It hurt like hell and I had to leave right after ‘cause his parents were due home.” My voice cracks and I know I’m close to breaking down again. “I’m so stupid! I know guys don’t care about that sort of thing, but girls do, and it was supposed to be special.” This sets me off all over again and my body starts shaking with sobs.

Ryan shifts beside me, and I’m pretty sure I’ve just made him uncomfortable and he’s going to ask me to leave, but the next minute he’s slipped his hand under my knees and he’s picked me up so that I’m now sitting sideways on his knee. My right shoulder rests against his body with my head on his shoulder and my legs swung over to the other side. It should feel awkward as hell being this close to Ryan but somehow it doesn’t. Somehow it feels comfortable and totally natural, like if he stopped rubbing my back right now, I’d miss it.

We stay like this for maybe five minutes until I’ve calmed down. Then I sit up and wipe my eyes and turn to him. “Thanks.”

He’s looking at me closely. “Anytime.”

I smile at him. “Why are you being so nice to me? I’m such a bitch to you.”

He smiles good-naturedly and shrugs. “I usually deserve it.”

“I guess you were right about him after all.”

Ryan doesn’t break my gaze. “I’m sorry he’s hurt you, but I’m not sorry you’ve broken up.”

We’re both just sitting like this, with me on his knee, his arm resting on my back and we’re watching each other. My eyes scan his face and it’s like I’m seeing him for the first time and maybe it’s because I’ve just found out about Charlie, or maybe I’m just not thinking straight, but before I know it, I’m leaning forward and I’m kissing him.

And oh my God does it feel right.

He freezes for just a second before he reacts, pulling me into him and kissing me back with such force it actually makes me dizzy. We adjust ourselves so that as much of our bodies are pressed against each other as possible and my body reacts to him, wrapping my legs tighter around him. That’s right, somehow I’m now straddling Ryan. We’re both getting breathless, but we don’t stop. There’s something frantic about the way we’re kissing, something desperate about it. His hands are in my hair, on my back, and I’m grinding my hips into his groin.

Holy crap! Grinding my hips into his groin? I suddenly come to my senses. I am making out with Ryan, and if it carries on like this, it won’t end there. Ryan Jackson,
the
Ryan Jackson. The guy all the girls at school melt over, the guy who loves to embarrass me and humiliate me in any way possible. This would give him enough ammunition to last until the end of the year! I have got to move.

I break away suddenly, prying his hands off my hips and clambering off him.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry.”

Ryan looks up at me dazed, like he can’t quite figure out what’s going on. My heart is hammering so hard in my chest I’m sure he can hear it. “I am so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I wasn’t thinking properly. Please don’t tell anyone,” I plead.

“Becca—”

I cut him off before he can say anything else. “I’ve got to go. Let’s pretend this never happened. Shit, I’m sorry.” I turn and literally run out of there, not being able to get away fast enough.

Great, Becca. Well done
. Like my life wasn’t complicated enough.

S
o far I’ve done pretty well avoiding Ryan. It helps that he’s always surrounded by people. My mom didn’t believe me when I said I was sick for the second day running so I had to come to school. No one seems to know about what happened, which is a relief, but he might just be biding his time and waiting for the perfect moment to humiliate me. Every time he’s called me, I’ve sent his calls to voicemail. I’ve deleted any texts without opening them and I’ve been skipping English so I don’t have to deal with that. He even came over to my house last night, but I was in my room and pretended to be asleep when my mom came upstairs. I am not going to discuss the other day with him; not for his or anyone else’s amusement. As far as I’m concerned, it never happened.

Jay and I are on the sofa in my front room. The TV’s on but I’m trying to concentrate on the Science homework that’s spread across my knees while Jay is using markers to color in a Superman coloring book. I glance over at him and although he’s concentrating intensely, he’s definitely not staying within the lines.

“Mom called me every day this week,” he tells me suddenly, looking up. I smile at him and nod in encouragement. “And I’m going to get to see her again really soon!” he tells me excitedly. I grin at his enthusiasm. I know that my parents spoke to my aunt about her responsibilities and it looks like it may have worked. She definitely seems to be making more of an effort with Jay and apparently rehab is working really well. “And my dad is coming to see me next weekend. Auntie Sarah showed me the email where it said he’s paid for the flights so he’s definitely coming!” He’s grinning at me from ear to ear, clearly delighted.

“That’s great, Jay,” I tell him. I really hope they are getting their act together. I go back to my homework and we’re quiet for a few minutes.

“Can we go see Ryan?” he asks.

My head snaps up to face him, but he’s still staring at his picture. “No,” I say instantly, probably a bit more forcefully than necessary.

“Why?” he asks.

“Because we don’t like him.”

“I do.” He pauses. “And he likes you.”

“Why do you say that?” I ask quickly, again, probably too quickly. My heart starts beating faster.

Jay shrugs nonchalantly, clearly having no idea how I’m now hanging off his every word. “Because when I’m there, he always asks where you are and what you’re doing.”

“He does?”

Jay nods. “Yeah, and who you’re with.” He pauses, looking at me hopefully. “So can we go see him?”

“No,” I reply. My heart’s still beating a mile a minute.
He asks Jay about me? What does that mean?
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing
, I tell myself. He’s just being nice, but for some reason I feel like I want to ask him about it, why he wants to know where I am. But I’m being ridiculous. Knowing Ryan, he’s probably trying to find out information he can use against me at a later date.

Yes, that’s what is it I tell myself.

“Why not, Becca?” Jay’s voice is taking on that whiny tone that I hate.

“I’ll give you five dollars and take you for ice cream if you stop asking to go to Ryan’s,” I tell him.

“Deal!” he shouts back at me excitedly. The kid will do anything for ice cream.

My phone beeps next to me. I glance at it, expecting it to be another text from Ryan, which I can delete immediately, but freeze when I see it’s from Charlie.

Charlie: I’m outside your house.

I stare at the phone for five seconds in surprise. I text him right after I left Ryan’s the other day and told him never to contact me again. He’d tried to call me right away, but when I didn’t answer, he didn’t try again. I have to admit, that hurt. He didn’t even care enough to push me on it. I didn’t tell him I knew about his girlfriend, but I guess he knew the reason. I cried when that reality hit, but I pulled myself together and realized he really wasn’t worth it. The asshole didn’t deserve anymore of my time or attention, and I refused to let myself wallow in it. To be honest, I’ve been thinking about Ryan a whole lot more that I’ve been thinking about Charlie in the last couple of days.