Four Doors Down (29 page)

Kathy smiles at me warmly. “We’re actually almost ready to eat. You missed cocktail hour so we’ll have to go straight to the tables.” I nod in agreement and follow my parents through to the tent, their friends smile and greet them, and I almost feel bad for making them late. Almost, not quite.

I’m standing around waiting for them when Kathy comes and wraps her arm around me. “Don’t worry, sweetie, we haven’t put you with us oldies. You’re at Ryan’s table.” I inwardly groan and face the direction she’s pointing to, but there’s only Jake sitting over there.

Okay, weird.
I sigh and make my way over.

Jake whistles when he sees me approach. “You look smoking, Becca. Has Ryan seen you?”

I glare at him in response. He chuckles. “I’m guessing you’re still pretty pissed about that scene in the cafeteria?”

“You mean him telling the entire school my private business?”

Jake whistles at my tone. “Yeah, he shouldn’t have done that. But then you shouldn’t have ignored him all week after hooking up with him.” Yup, of course, he knows all about our kiss.

I glare at him and Jake holds his hands up in defeat. “Hey, I’m staying out of this from now on, but you guys should definitely talk tonight. Sort out your shit. He’s been like a caged bull all week.”

Ryan comes over and sits down. I don’t even glance at him, but my heart starts beating faster, especially when Jake gets up and leaves us alone, trying to give us some privacy or whatever.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” he tells me.

I shrug in response. There’s not really much I can say to that.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that stuff about Charlie in front of everyone.”

“No shit.”

“I thought you’d gotten back with him.”

“Clearly. You told the whole freaking school.”

He looks away, glancing around the tent and then turns back to me. “I saw him outside your house.”
Ah, so he did see us.

“I was telling him to go and not to come back.”

“So you’re not getting back with him?” he asks again, like he needs it reiterated.

“No, Ryan. I am not getting back with Charlie.” He opens his mouth to speak again, but I cut him off. “Let’s just leave it, Ryan, okay? If we talk, we argue. Let’s just get through tonight, then we can avoid each other for the rest of our lives.”

His jaw clenches and his mouth sets into a straight line. He looks pissed at me. Again.

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” I tell him, standing to move away. I’m not thirsty, but I need to get away from him, because right now he’s causing all kinds of mixed up feelings within me that I do not want to have to deal with.

I return to the table just as the first course is being served and concentrate on the plate in front of me while Ryan glares at me the whole time.
Great, this isn’t awkward at all.

Jake gets bored of us by the end of the salads and disappears for a couple of minutes. He comes back with a couple of Ryan’s cousins who were clearly seated elsewhere. I nod hello but don’t get involved in the conversation. Whatever, at least now there’s not complete silence at the table. I look around wondering when I can make my escape. I turn back and catch Ryan looking at me with such anger I sink a bit lower in my chair. This night can’t be over fast enough.

Ding, ding, ding!

A fork is clinking against a champagne glass and I realize it must be time for the toasts. A champagne glass has appeared next to me, but I’ve been too busy staring at my plate to notice. I turn to face Mr. Jackson, glad for an excuse to face away from the table.

He looks around the room and asks his family to join him. Lisa jumps up, but Ryan doesn’t move. It takes another request from his father to get him out of his seat and to the front of the dance floor. I smirk. It’s quite funny watching him squirm for a change. He looks so awkward at the front.

His father starts by saying how lucky he is to have such a wonderful family but I’m barely listening. All the effort I’ve made in avoiding Ryan has meant that I haven’t really looked at him tonight and he looks good. Really good. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him in a tux and standing up there, he’s even taller than his father. His broad chest fills out the shirt, his hair is shining but still slightly messy, which I like. It makes him still Ryan. He’s looking down at the floor waiting for the speech to end, hands shoved in his pockets.

Suddenly he looks up at me and I can’t turn away. His blue eyes pierce mine. My heart starts beating a mile a minute and I lose my breath.

Oh God, I think I want him.
I want Ryan Jackson. This will not end well for me.

Okay, I need to get a grip. I turn back to Jake just as the speeches end and the dancing starts. Ryan’s dancing with his sister so I still have a few minutes before he gets back here.

Jake’s watching me smirking.

“What?” I demand.

He holds his hands up. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

I glance around at our nearly empty table. “So, why are we sitting here by ourselves? Where’s the rest of your friends from school?”

Jake shrugs. “Ryan called them up today and told them not to bother coming. I think his mom was pretty pissed and the girls have been bitching about it all day.”

Right. Now I’m confused. “Why would he do that?”

He lets out a deep sigh. “Because, Becca, he knew that if you came and they were here, you’d feel uncomfortable.”

My jaw drops. “But I wasn’t even gonna come. My parents forced me.”

“Exactly and he still did it anyway.”

He stares pointedly at me. I’m really confused.

“Oh for God’s sake Becca! For someone who’s usually pretty smart, you’re being incredibly stupid. Ryan likes you, okay? He’s always liked you.”

“Likes me? Like he wants to be friends again?”

“No, Becca. He does not just want to be your friend.”

I’m speechless, just staring at Jake with my mouth hanging open.

He rolls his eyes and sighs, clearly disappointed with my stupidity. “Come on, Becca, think about it,
really
think about it.”

“But all he does it try to piss me off and make me look stupid and embarrass me.”

“Because it’s the only way he could get you to talk to him! Look, I’m not saying it was the smartest move, but he just wanted you to talk to him. Even if it was you shouting at him.”

“But he’s always with a different girl?”

“He might have messed around with other girls, but he’s never cared about any of them like he has about you. He didn’t think you gave a damn, so I dunno, all the other girls were a distraction or something. That Jessica Murphy thing was all her.”

I’m shaking my head. Is this a joke? Sam was right and Ryan was actually jealous of Charlie? This can’t be right. I can tell Jake’s getting exasperated with me.

He leans forward intently, like he’s trying to get through to me. “He cares about you, Becca. He really,
really
cares about you. Kevin Wilson is done at school as far as Ryan’s concerned. You should have seen what Ryan was like after he grabbed you. He wanted to kill Charlie for hurting you. When we bumped into you at that party that time, he couldn’t concentrate knowing you were there, drunk and with another guy. He remembers things about you that I wouldn’t even know about myself. Why do you think I’ve been pushing you to hang around with us so much? I’m sick of hearing about it so I’ve been trying to help it along.”

“But we argue all the time.”

He sighs deeply. “I think they call that chemistry, Becca. I think at this stage you’re the only person in school who doesn’t know how he feels.” He glances up and throws his napkin down, standing up. “Just work it out, one way or another.” He turns and walks away.

I panic. “Hey, wait!” I’m not sitting here at an empty table by myself, I stand quickly to follow him.

“Stop!” I turn back around and Ryan’s returned to the table. “We need to talk, Becca.”

I nod. He’s right. I need to sort this out. I’m feeling really confused. Like
seriously
confused right now.

I look around. “Yeah, okay. Now’s probably not the best time. Maybe tomorrow?”

His gaze doesn’t budge from me. “No, right now,” he says firmly.

He starts walking quickly toward me, and without breaking stride and before I have time to do anything, he’s grabbed my hand and is pulling me along behind him. I almost trip up and am practically running to keep up with him. I catch Lisa looking at us and whispering to Ryan’s mom before he pulls me out of the tent.

He walks straight into his house and directly up the stairs, pulling me with him. He opens his bedroom door and pushes me in, following and closing the door behind him.

“God, Becca! You’re driving me crazy.”

I nod, rubbing my arm. It hurts a bit from him pulling so hard and I’m a little out of breath from the running, but I don’t think this is the best time to mention it.

He walks past me toward his desk, his back to me. Suddenly he turns around and looks me dead in the eye. “Why have you avoided me all week? After we kissed?”

I blush and look around the room. This is so weird.

“Becca?” he coaxes me.

“Because I thought you were going to tell everyone about how I threw myself at you and turn me into a laughing stock. You know, embarrass me.”

Ryan sighs and shakes his head at me. “You actually think I’d be embarrassed about what happened?”

I shrug. “I was. I don’t know what came over me. I know everyone would find it hilarious, me kissing you.”

Ryan sighs loudly, shaking his head at me. “You are so clueless, Becca.” He squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath. “I’m gonna speak and for once you’re just going to listen to me. Okay? No interruptions.”

I nod slightly. I suddenly feel awkward. This is the first time in years I’ve been in his room and I don’t know what to do with myself. I look back at Ryan, who is studying me intently and decide I’d prefer to look at the floor.

“Look, I stopped talking to you in the seventh grade because the guys were giving me shit, saying I liked you. By the time I figured out that I didn’t care what they thought, you were done with me. Like, that was it. I was gone from your life and you didn’t want to know me. And I missed you, Becca, a lot. You act like I don’t even know you, but I know you a lot better than you think. I’m always aware of you. Whenever you’re in the room, I know exactly where you are. Jesus, when I get to the cafeteria at lunch, I look to your table first to see if you’re there before I look at mine. I notice when you miss a day off school. I know what times in the day you go to your locker and I try and be there too. I pick up on anything my mom ever says in passing. I know the only subject you care about is Art, but you’re smart enough to ace every class if you wanted to. I know your first kiss was in a game of spin the bottle and it was with Mason. You have no idea how much that pissed me off. I wouldn’t speak to him for a week. I said those things to Billy Jameson that time because I was crazy jealous that you were out on a date with him. It should have been me that took you on your first date and I couldn’t handle that you were there with him. I swear on my mom’s life, though, Becca—I would have stopped that bet about him sleeping with you. I never,
ever
would have let that happen to you.” He pauses. “I give you shit at school ‘cause it’s the only way you notice me.”

He pauses. I don’t dare look up.
Is he telling me that he likes me?
He lets out a sigh of frustration.

“Then these last few weeks you actually started talking to me again and it wasn’t about me pissing you off and you snapping back. We were actually becoming friends again. You’re literally all I can think about, and then you tell me I’ve got it wrong and there’s not a chance we’ll ever be friends. Then that jackass makes you cry, and it makes me want to kill him. And you kiss me. You kiss me Becca, and I think
yes, something is going to finally happen between us
, and then you freak out. You ignore me all week, refuse to speak to me, make me look like a complete dick in the cafeteria, and then you turn up here looking like
that
.”

There’s a pause. My body’s shaking.

“And you are just so fucking annoying!”

My eyes snap up at this and he’s staring straight back at me. Bright blue eyes pinning me still, forcing me not to move.

“And you’re infuriating. And exasperating and moody. And shitty and stubborn. And kind. And funny. And clever and talented. And beautiful.” He pauses. “You’re so freaking beautiful, Becca.”

I’m about to start hyperventilating now.

“And I love you.”

I officially cannot breathe. Ryan is watching me, waiting for me to react and I can barely remember my own name.
Ryan Jackson just said he loves me.

I don’t believe this is happening, but his eyes tell me he meant every word. Ryan Jackson, the popular boy at school, my old friend, my total nemesis.

“You love me?” My voice is actually trembling.

He nods, his eyes focused on mine, his hands clenching nervously like he’s not sure he made the right decision to tell me.

“But you’re always with a different girl?”

He shrugs. “I thought you hated me and was trying to forget about you. It didn’t work. None of them are you. It’s only ever been you, Becca.”