Forgive Me (10 page)

“
If you got something to say Noah bark it out and be on your way.”

His back had been to me, but he turned at the pissed off tone I spoke to him with. He made his way to me in three strides. He didn
’t walk fast or come at me with threat and intent. It was more than that, he stepped up to me with knowledge of something I would never understand. It deflated my anger the minute I realized why Noah had protected her.

I was the fool.

Fuck!

“
Try to remember that no matter how many times he kicked her, pushed her, slapped her. No matter the words he used to break her, he never robbed her of the woman she is and has always been. Remember that while she was laying there dying, she didn’t cry and she didn’t beg…” He
looked over his shoulder at Cassa. “Strong as fuck.” He said to her not me and turned to leave, kissing the crown of her head and slipping out of the room like he had never been there.

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

Nickleback

Chapter Ten

I watched her close the door behind Noah and lock it, the pulling the cord to the blinds between production and recording. We were all alone. The recording light was off as well. I could see the fight in the back of her eyes, she wanted me to stay, I could feel it. I could also feel the fear… she was scared to death of confrontation. I didn’t care; I was not going to lose her again. “We cant be together again Shamus, I know that. I’m here because I know your hurting and feeling betrayed and I am the reason for it all. I begged and pleaded with everyone we knew to keep my life a secret. Chad and Noah tried to get the news crews to not run the stories, but they did anyway and so they did what they could to keep you from watching the news.” She tapped her palm against her chest, “me Shame. I am to blame for all of this. I manipulated everyone, I used guilt to keep them quiet. The guys fought me so hard every time you were in town. I needed you to have your dream. You ripped me into shreds and left me empty and aching for that dream. I did everything I could to keep it from touching you because I believed that you leaving me in such despair had to be worth something.”

"I don
’t believe you."

Cass let her head fall back and laughed. "Look at me Shamus, I am a joke. I don’t remember who I was."

I walked to her then fast because I only had this one chance. "I do. Your'e my Sassy. I will help you remember Sass."

"I can’t Shamus, please don’t make this harder than it needs to be."

"How can you ask me to walk away Sass? I have lived through that hell and I can’t do it again. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. Every song I write is a song for you. I went insane when I heard you married him, when you gave me up." I saw her defenses weaken and I knew I had her. I cupped her face in my hands. My voice was cracking when I spoke again. "Had I known that last night would have been the last time I would see you, I would have memorized every feature." I wiped my eyes as the pain rushed through my chest. Trying to get control I had to keep control here. I took a deep breath but the fear of losing her was to strong, my voice hitched again. "Or that the last time I held you...” Tears rolled from my eyes without my consent. “Oh God I wouldn’t have let you go. I would have stayed in that bed and made love to you and traded all my fortune, all my success, to have you. I forgot what your touch was like." I reached for her hand and placed her palm against my cheek. "I forgot your kiss and the sounds you made when I make you come. I can’t lose you again." I stood before her, I had bared my soul to her and she still looked shut down. This was going to kill me but she had to want it, had to feel it. I would never force her see my side. My side meant nothing when the fear was so deeply rooted inside of her. I may know she was capable of fighting back but she
to know it.

"I'm gonna go." I said and turned my back to her ashamed of the tears in my eyes. My voice cracked ever so slightly as I kissed her cheek and said goodbye. I grabbed my jacket from the hook by the door, and padded my pockets looking for the absent keys. All of my movements were robotic. I had lost the will to fight for her if she wouldn't fight for her either.

"Shamus No!" she cried.

Those two words changed my fucking life.

I caught the door with my shoulder before it closed and turned my head to see her coming at me. I stepped toward her in enough time to reach her just as she reached for me.
“Tell me you want to fight Sass.” I inhaled the fresh scent of her hair as she arched her back.

“
Please, just make it go away. Make it all disappear like you used to.” She cried.

I lifted her into my arms and pushed her back against the bright red wall all while keeping my tongue deep in her mouth. That was all I needed to hear. Both of us could taste the others tears as I worked at her jeans trying desperately to get her naked now! I broke the kiss to pull her shirt over her head while she spread her legs to cradle my hips.

I set her feet on the ground and dropped to my knees before her. I caught a glimpse of the pain she was in while kneeling before her, like a beggar taking what I could get. She was using me right now and I knew it. She was so full of anger that I was the only person she could lash out like this to. I didn’t mind. I would take it away, I wished forever but it was tonight only and I was willing to bargain my heart and soul to give her what she desperately needed. I would be the dark dirty need she was craving; I would be the savior if I had to. I let go in the moment and focused only on her demands. "Make it go away Dammit!" She cried as if reading my mind.

Dark and dirty, got it.

I cursed when I slid a finger along her slit then another. “Fuck.” I leaned in and opened her with my other hand seeing her clit already swollen. I took it between my lips and tugged back while she clawed at my scalp. She still tasted like passion, nothing else could describe what I felt as I licked and flicked to and fro on her hardened clit. I drove my fingers deep in her tightness, wishing that this moment would stop!

Make it go away…
Her words echoed through my mind.
Make it disappear like you used to
Iwanted so badly to bring her that peace. My fingers were stroking her deep inside, working tirelessly to make her come and fast. I found her G spot in one quick stroke that made her moan while I nibbled her clit between my teeth.

It was in that moment that I realized that she was still my same Sassy, just a few added scars. I was still able to make her scream my name, come for me with a few minor strokes. I could work her out just as easily as I worked myself. She was second nature when it came to fucking.

Her nipples were throbbing and she let my head go so she could pull and pinch them between her own fingers. I had her crying out in less than a minute with a body ravishing orgasm. She needed me inside her, her legs around my waist while I fucked her fear away. She was coming back to me no matter what. This shell of my Sassy was getting tossed. I would kill Cory Noxx with my bare hands if it meant she came back to me. For now, I would fuck her out of it. I will remind her of everything we had and all we can have again. There was a dark erotic need inside of me that she brought out, like a gift she had hidden two years before. I needed her to bring me back just as bad as I was trying to bring her back.

I took a step back, withdrawing my hand from between her legs and watched her eyes flutter and close all while she arched her back. Yeah, fuck yeah, my girl wanted me. “Talk to me baby.” I whispered against her lips, our foreheads touching as I undid the belt to my jeans. “Tell me what you want Sassy because tonight we are getting all this shit out on the table. I’ll unlock every secret you have baby, just give me the green light to do it my way.”

Then she shattered my control. Her short blunt teeth bit into the plump lip I had been nibbling on before, her tongue licking along the seam. That was about as big a yes as a man in my position could ask for.

“
Damn Sassy. I want to be patient and then you do that shit and I want to go balls deep here and now.”

“
Then…” She said and kicked off the wall and came into my arms, cupping me between the legs making all thoughts of gentle and sweet vanish like a cloud of smoke. “Fuck me baby.”

I did as any man in my position would do, and whipped my dick out. I then stepped forward and hiked her tattooed thigh in my hand to wrap her around me. My heart stopped. The tip of my cock swiped along the wetness between her legs and every memory I had of Cassa flashed like lightening through my mind. Every kiss, hug, blow job
….every I love you Shame and of course that final goodbye.

*

Cassa

The moment slowed so that I felt every single nerve in my body respond. The sound of the condom as he tore the wrapper, the sound of the rubber rolling against hard flesh… the feel of his cock inside me with a force that took me off the ground entirely. Shame spun and pinned me to the wall... and we fucked. It was passion sure, but like a raw nerve exposed it was painful. Physically I wanted to cry out in delight, but it was the emotional aspect that was ripping me in two.

I was fucking Shamus. I never fucked Shame before. He may have opened that nasty and dirty girl inside of me but he had always made love to me. We had been desperate, angry, happy, in love and even sad but it was always us coming together in an act of love.

Passion roaring through my system I clawed at his back and squeezed my legs tight against him. He didn’t say a word as he fucked me in fast and deep strokes, the sounds of his cock stroking me was all I heard between our breaths.

I clawed at his back, my nails digging in anger and pain flooding me with a passion I hadn
’t known in two years. Each dig I made he gave back with deep strokes of his tongue. I was so close to breaking free I could feel the weight on my shoulders bearing down. Every stroke he made deep inside of me chipped away at my fear, every curse against my neck, every tug of my hair in his fingers; the levee grew weaker and weaker.

“
Touch yourself.” He whispered softly against my neck. He was watching me now waiting for me to come. He knew what he was doing, what he was opening up inside of me and he knew he had done it; he had pulled it out and laid it all bare. All the dark needy things I wanted from him, every fantasy I’d had of him, every dirty word I wanted to say but never did. He mastered my body like a sheet of music to his favorite song and unlocked it all. He pushed in deep and stayed completely still. "Come all over me Cassa." He groaned the words into my ear annihilating the levee.

I came out of my self induced coma kicking and screaming.

“
Fuck you Shamus. You make me come!” With my ruthless demand his fingers found my clit and I exploded.

“
I always do Cassa.” He laughed, cocky again as he slammed into me hard my body like a vice wrapped around him he came too. “Good girl baby,” he shuddered as his own orgasm erupted.

*

Shamus

I tucked my still hard cock back in my jeans and zipped them up. Bending down to gather my shirt, I dropped to my knees before Sass where she was leaned against the wall. Un able to control myself and the need that clawed at me in her presence, I lifted her leg over my shoulder and leaned in, kissing feather-light over her pussy before setting her leg back down on the ground. I wanted desperately to nuzzle her womb and show her she was safe but I held back not sure of what she would be feeling right now.

Sass’s chest was heaving, her entire body drawn to me and I could see she was wanting more. I hadn’t been inside of her for over two years and my knees were weak and my heart was breaking because I didn't know what she was thinking.

If we're only ever looking back
We will drive ourselves insane
As the friendship goes resentment grows
We will walk our different ways

Bastille

Chapter Eleven

Cassa

I didn't want to look at Shame, couldn't after what we had done. He kept his promise and made me forget it all if even for a second. It was great, but what did it mean in the end or with the empty space he would leave behind? He had left before and I was still burning with indigence and it hurt like hell but I knew that I loved him even more now. I had to find a way to save myself if I wanted to keep him. I had the strength; God knew I had the will.

Like my thoughts summoned him, Shamus eyes fell on mine again. Jut seconds before he had been kissing light flutters between my legs...now he was watching me just as close. I rolled to the side to see his face using my hand I traced his features rubbing my thumb across his brow. His eyes stayed on me while he leaned in bringing his mouth to mine. I needed that kiss to give me the passion to fight. "Cassa
…." he sighed and pulled my body over his. I felt his erection between my spread legs as I straddled him.

"Hi." I said with a smile and buried my head against his chest. I was actually nervous and
twitterpated
being this close and sharing this moment with him. I had never been like this after a long night of passion. I felt like I had committed a sin. His hard-as-steel hard-on was making it even worse.

Shamus smiled and laughed his gruff voice so faint and scratchy it gave me the chills. "What’s with the shyness?" he asked as he slipped his hands on both sides of my neck to capture my face in his hands. I was beet red and couldn’t hide my smile.

"I feel weird, don’t make fun of me.” God the tone of my voice reminded me of the
fangirls
who were always trying to get with Shame.

"No, I like it. I love it actually, knowing I made you blush." He sounded just as nervous with me cuddled close on top of him. Shame had a coyness to him that I found irresistible.
God please stop time and keep me in this moment forever.
wanted that more than anything but I knew this was going to be short lived.

"God Damn you are beautiful." He spoke reverently while he ran his hands around my hips and over my ass, stopping at the scars. “Even here baby. I know what’s beneath the ink, but the work Noah did is unreal.”

I flushed again and felt like a child. "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I'm so used to you being in my masturbatory file that it’s weird that your here." I raised my arms and twisted my long brown hair through my fingers trying to smooth it out. His jacket was our makeshift blanket and it covered very little. I was completely naked, every inch of my body was displayed on top of him.

"I can stay as long as you want me to." He said and captured my ass in his hands and sat up, keeping me in place on top of him. A sound of pure bliss escaped my mouth at the friction his sitting up caused. Shame knew what he was doing to me and smiled that cocky grin that made me desperate…and then he winked sending me down in girly girl flames.

I had to fight to get his words to penetrate through the cloud of lust in my mind. But all too soon the gravity of his words hit me like a freight train. "What then?" I leaned forward to nip at his shoulder with my teeth. He gripped my ass tighter and pulled me closer. I knew he liked to be nibbled on and a huge sense of satisfaction came because I knew these things and
skanks
like Brit didn’t.

"We could try short term long distance, and on longer tours you could come with me, be the bands photographer. Hell I will hire you right now." He was dead serious I could see it in his eyes.

"You would do that?" I stared him down looking for any signs of false hope or fear, but his eyes locked with mine. Shame was serious.

"Anything Sass! I will do anything to spend a million more moments like this." He ran his fingers along my spine making me tremble. “I cant be with you, be inside of you and then turn and walk away again.” He shook his head and looked away from my intense stare. “I wont survive it another time Sassy.”

How dare he?

I pulled back immediately completely offended by his response. He tried gripping me closer to keep me from moving but I was having none of it. “Let me go Shame.”

“
No baby. That’s the point. I don’t want to let you go ever again. If I have even a glimmer of hope that we can be together again then I'm jumping on it Sass.”

I pressed hard against his chest and finally he dropped his hands. I immediately stood and started dressing.
“This was a mistake Shame.”

That had him jumping to his feet too. I paused in shattered amazement at the delectable body of Shamus James. It was so cruel and so unfair that he was this beautiful. Shame had had a beauty that was untouchable.
“This was not a mistake Sass. It was fate. You were and have always been mine Cass.”

Ohmigod
! I understood what he meant because I felt it to, but the ownership thing just made my skin crawl. I was me and owned by me. I would never again be anyone’s god dammit! Not even Shames.

“
I am nobodies Shamus.” My voice was so low and so dark, I had no doubt he caught my meaning.

“
Your right, but your heart is mine Cassa.” He stepped forward and placed the palm of my hand against his chest where I could feel his beating heart. “And mine is yours baby. Feel how it beats faster when you touch me? Only you have ever done that to me.”

I wanted to hit him, but being of the
‘no violence’ mind I pulled my hand back before stepping free of him. “You left me two years ago. No word, no apology or reason. You went to follow a dream that came true and in return the dream of us died. I am so sorry Shame, about your dad passing, about the secrets we all kept, I'm sorry for it all, but I cant forget what happened between us, just like I cant forget what Cory did to me. You hurt me so deep and then stand here saying you couldn’t survive leaving me again?”

I stepped forward as I pushed my hands through my jacket and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. At the last second he turned his head and our lips met for a brief and yet explosive kiss. I ended it just as abruptly and touched my fingers to my lips trying to hold on to the feel of his lips on mine.
“You can and will survive it Shame because this was a beautiful goodbye.”

I didn
’t wait for his response and I left the room as fast as I could knowing my tears were coming on at any second. If he had felt even a fraction of what I am feeling now, when he left me two years ago then it only infuriates me more. I am ready to run in there and say “fuck it! I love you Shamus James” and do my best to forget the betrayal. Knowing he didn’t bat a lash, didn’t call, text, email… nothing. It told me he wasn’t in the same kind of love as me. I would have never walked away from him back then, I would have died for him.

Now
…now I needed to survive for me.

*

Shamus

Had someone told me that when I came home for my dads final goodbye that I would end up fucking Cassa and begging her for another chance. I would have said they were nuts. Had someone told me that in a desperate attempt to forget me she would find the one man on this earth who was evil incarnate, I’d have said hell no, not my Cassa.

So fucked up
….it was all so completely fucked up. For the last two years I convinced myself I was doing the right thing by staying away. I had been the pussy, the baby. I let my dad in my head and gave him free rein to fuck my shit up. I spent two years enjoying the ride, sure. I fucked every and any girl I wanted. I had the best foods, cars, hotels all of it at my disposal. I had managed to make my career one big party with my closest friends and somewhere along the line I even patched shit up with my dad.

Through it all I had been miserable without her. I was convinced she was happy and healthy and in love with a man who wasn
’t me. Believing she was happy is all that allowed me to sleep. Now I would never sleep again. I was the one who had it all and she was left baren, beaten, terrified and alone. It was always supposed to be her who was happy.

Had my father not interfered I would have ran away with her at my side. I had no clue how successful I would become, but I would have taken her with me regardless the outcome. But it was my dad who met me at the door that night...

"So now you think because some big shot music guy liked a song you wrote that you are gonna be the next big thing?" He walked around the front of my Jeep placing his hand against the frame of the driver’s side door, his hands of steel, hands that I had fought against in the front yard the last Thanksgiving. "World aint that nice to men like us Shame."

"Jesus Dad why can’t you see this is my choice, my chance to see if I really have what it takes?" I had been so quick tempered back then, that night I was ready to go another round toe to toe with the old man if he tried to stop me. "This isn’t a pipe dream, I have a shot here why cant you just believe in me for once. I have talent dad!" I gripped the wheel and kept my eyes focused on the gear shift. "How can you ask me to not try?"

"Because Shamus I worked my whole God damned life to build a small empire to leave you." My dad let the door go and spun back on his heels. "Now you’re ready to run off and leave everything I busted my ass for, behind."

"I don’t want to be a Crabber Dad, why can’t you see that?"

"It’s in your blood Shamus." He had said his voice so matter of fact, he knew what was right for me, he thought he did at least back then.

"Music is in my blood Dad that is all that courses through my veins!!" I stepped from the Jeep prepared to take him down if he stood in my way any longer. He did the last thing I expected.

"And Cassa? What about Cassa, Shamus? You can’t ask a girl that sweet to follow your dreams. What about hers?" He stepped closer knowing he had hit a nerve with me. "She has a future Shamus and I don’t think it involves following you around dive bars filled with five screaming fans and stale beer. She's better than that."

I couldn’t look at the old man, the tension between the two of us so strong the energy was turning my stomach. "Cassa knows the risk Dad, she believes in me." The words were meant to inflict pain but dad just laughed and said the words that changed my fate.

"Yeah, do you believe in her dreams?" The old man stood firm the question changed the game.

"You have no right to stand here and ask me to leave her behind, no right to tell me I have no future, when you barely know me." I stepped up to him, nose to nose before risking it all and went for the jugular. "You realize that you have never heard me play?" I waited for him to reply but he just looked passed me. "You never noticed because you don’t care unless it involves that fucking boat." I took that final step before erupting. "LET THE FUCKER BURN I DON’T FUCKING CARE!!!!!"

He clocked me in the jaw with no warning or hesitation and watched as I refused to fall. I turned my head and spit blood from my mouth because he had broken a tooth. "Fuck you!" I said with a push at his chest.

He looked at me like I grew two heads. "You leave here Shamus don’t think of coming back."

"I wouldn’t dream of it." I said and hopped in the driver seat and drove off, not once looking back. I had planned to drive to Cassa's, she was waiting and prepared but his words rang loud and I could not ignore them.
'Do you believe in her dreams?'I did believe in her more than anything but the truth was there were no guarantee’s and I couldn’t bare for her to resent me. At the last minute I switched course and drove head on to California leaving my girl and my dad behind.

Once I made to the apartment that we rented while we worked the local bars and produced our first album, I was greeted with an equally depressed Chad. “Where’s Cass?” He asked his attention on the tv where he was playing Call of Duty with Cal.

I didn’t respond right away, just took in the small space. It was one bedroom. We decided that because Cass was coming we would get the room and the guys would rock the rest of the apartment like a studio. There was no way I was stepping foot in that room now. I hadn't even seen it and already it was a reminder of all I left behind.

“
We broke up.” I said and tossed the suitcase down at my feet and slipped the two large back packs off each shoulder letting them fall as well.

Both Cal and Chad stopped the game immediately.
“Holy fuck really?” Chad said and then cringed painfully. It was the ‘holy fuck’ that reminded him of Carrie and the fact he was single now too. We were both pathetic fools.

“
Yeah. Look I’ll explain later yeah?” I asked and eyed the pallet of bedding in the corner. I had driven for nineteen hours but hadn’t slept in thirty six. I was exhausted and depressed and scared shitless of the choices I’d made.

My mom used to tell me every day before school to
“have a good day and make good choices Shamus.” Fuck she would be disappointed in me now. I blamed my dad for the whole mess. He never gave a shit about my music and the need to play it. He cared about the water, the crabs and the boat and he drank like a fish in between those three things.

I don
’t know if Chad or Cal said anything because I was too wrapped in my own head to notice. I grabbed a blanket and a pillow, tossing them to the floor. I lay on my back and tune out the sounds of battle and Chad and Cal talking trash to one another. I close my eyes and see her face and it feels like a knife to the skull. It physically hurts to think about her.