Forgive Me (14 page)

There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of "must we"
Just because the son has come.

TOOL

Chapter Fifteen

Cassa

I walked into the bar and waited for Shamus. We drove separately because Shamus went to meet the guys in Seattle to try to mend the wounds I forced on them. I spotted Carrie, Candey and Roni and Mike all sitting at the table by the stage. Howies was run down and most of the tables had seen better days, the chairs too. The walls were lined with various sports memorabilia as well as local fisherman photos and trinkets. Shame had paid to hold the wake here offering Howie the money he needed to fix the place up. Howie refused to charge for the renting of the bar. He like most the town of Gig Harbor had loved Jerry. The place was packed tonight and security had been called in to help manage the chaos.

My main issue with
fangirls
and even some
fanguys
, was that they didn’t know their place. Shame, shouldn’t have to worry about the fans bombarding him as he gives his dad a farewell. News had broken that Shamus James dad had passed away and there had been a line of paparazzi and fans outside Howies since last night.

Making the chaos worse was word that the guys would be playing in honor of Jerry and everyone wanted a free show. They were all leeches. I didn’t care if they made Shame and the guys rich by buying the albums. Everyone deserved peace and quiet when they were grieving. The guys ‘die hard’ fans didn’t give a fuck who was hurting, not at the chance of a picture, a touch or an autograph that they could brag about on
Facebook
or
twitter
later.

“
Can you believe this shit?” I ask the girls and look around the almost packed bar. The best thing about small towns is everyone knows everyone, so at least the faces in the bar were friendly.

“
Yeah sweetie, we can.” Candey said and sipped from some frutie-froo-froo drink. “We have seen it everywhere they go.” Carrie nodded in agreement and Roni just shrugged. Unlike me, they have seen the scene before and have been living it alongside Noah and Chad since the day they made it big. I always changed the channel when TAT was on the TV. I never read magazines or read up on the news online. If it had involved TAT, IE: Shamus, then I ignored it. If it was big news or congratulatory then Candey and Carrie filled me in. I had stayed far away from any information on them, even though they were my very family and a part of my daily life.

I never claimed to make the right choices or that the ones I did make sense.

Carrie was twisting the napkin in her hands waiting for Chad to make his way inside. “I hate when it’s hyped up like this.” She said as I took a seat beside her.

“
It’s ridiculous.” I agreed.

“
I think it’s kind of amazing though.”

“
Carrie, he deserves to mourn with family and friends, not the world. Some shit needs to be sacred.” I would stand by that and not yield. Some things were simply private.

“
I agree. But Cass, they gave up the right to piss and moan about it when they decided to become stars.” Roni leaned forward and reached for my hand, but I moved not wanting to acknowledge her. My attention was on Carrie. “I do agree that privacy and respect should be given, but for them it involves security and the fact that even though those fans aren’t inside, they know damn well that the guys are and that what is taking place is private. Someone will talk to the press, another someone will take pics and sell them and like all the other private and personal moments these guys have, will be plastered on TMZ and Us magazine by the weekend’s end.”

Before I could reply with something along the lines of
“That’s bullshit” Carrie’s phone started ringing. Candey had turned in her chair to talk to one of Jerry’s friends and that left me with Mike and Roni who were both salivating to know what happened after I left last night. They must not remember that I am still mad at them right now.

. I would not be lectured tonight either and I would not waste a second of Jerry's wake on my worthless insane ex. Maybe I was a fool, maybe I should always fear him, but in the end Shamus had made me feel free for the first time and it was a feeling I wasn’t in a hurry to step away from.

I caught Roni looking at me, her earlier glee replaced now with sadness from my silence and the cold shoulder. I looked at Mike, who was still pissed and I rolled my eyes. Roni was a different story, though. She was the captain of the cheerleaders for life and happiness and all
things good. Seeing her sad and worried broke my hearts. I looked at Roni and that simple look spoke volumes and it all became water under the bridge. I walked to the opposite side of the table and hugged her close. "I refuse to talk about this. I know you guys care and love me, but it is my life and I won’t be bullied any longer. I love you both and I am dropping it OK."

"Sure Sass, whatever." But Mike said he was angry and he would have to deal with it. Roni hugged me tight and reassured me how much Mike loved me and his concern… blah. I know it already, but I bite my tongue.

A swarm of headlights… and then a swarm of screaming women started chanting TAT and I knew my boys had arrived. A dozen flashes started going off and then the swarm of people were in hysterics. I followed Mike and Howie to the door and my heart stopped. Stepping out of the limo was Shamus. His head was covered by his
Fox sports
and jeans with a pair of dark sunglasses over his eyes and a sports coat… to dress it up. He looked a mixture of sexy and sad, but managed to make it look flawless and all rock star. He walked quickly stopping every five or so people to sign autographs before reaching the door. Behind him were the guys who let Shame lead the way. He was usually the straggler, the guy behind the rest, but tonight the guys were at his back and the symbolism wasn’t lost on me.

He stepped into Howies and left the swarm and the rock star outside. He walked straight to me and took my hand in his. "Hi baby." He said, but was cautious with his display. "Come with me." His smile still on his face, he pulled me to the back of the bar where there were no windows, just cases of liquor and kegs waiting to be tapped.

"Welcome to my world." He said with an edge in his voice. He reached in his pocket and took out his cell. When the other end answered Shamus's face changed immediately. "I told you NO Drew, this is my Fathers fucking wake."

I watched Shamus's face turn from mad to fury as he listened to the other end of the line. "No this shit better stop, I say no to something I fucking mean it." He ended the call before turning and throwing the phone against the wall, breaking a few bottles of wine in the process. I flinched and backed up by the door, my concern for him became fear the instant he threw the phone. I had my hand on the door knob when he placed his arms on the shelving unit holding bottles and bottles and bottles. His forearms flexing as he gripped the shelf. I could see he was trying to contain himself, but my need to run was overwhelming. I was about to bolt out the door when it opened from the other side, forcing the bottled up fear inside to release in a scream.

"Shame?" A woman with very short black hair that was brushed and styled down the center of her scalp in what looked like a very pretty faux hawk, walked in but jumped when I screamed. She was beautiful, dressed in a three piece suit and complete with her blue tooth, but her eyes were smeared with black makeup. She looked over at me in my terrified state. I don’t know if she thought I was a craz
y
fangirl
or an employee of Howies, but either way she smiled sincerely and extended her hand. "I’m guessing here, but I assume you are Cassa?" Her eyes were kind; I would always remember that about Tayla.

"Yes." I whispered and tried to get my composure.

If possible her smile grew bigger. "I'm Tayla. Shamus has told me so much about you I feel like I know you."

I smiled, feeling comfortable with her immediately. Shamus walked to my side his face repentant when he realized
he
had scared me. He took my hand into his and smiled. He was still angry, I could see that, but he wasn’t lashing out. He cupped my face in his hands and looked me in the eye. "Think like the old Cassa, remember I would never hurt you." He kissed the top of my head and looked at Tayla. He didn’t make a fuss or treat me like I was crazy. It was something that made me fall for him all over again.

"There has to be some solitude Tayla. My father’s death may be great for publicity, but I don’t care if his death ended world hunger, I need some privacy. I don’t need the world to watch me mourn my father." I could feel his pulse as he held my hand and I felt awful for being scared of him. He had every right to be angry he needed to say goodbye to his dad with some dignity and the world wasn’t going to let him.

"I know Shame. I will have the lot emptied before we leave and I talk to the press." Tayla looked back at me, her smile still comforting. "Really sorry we had to meet like this, under these circumstances."

"Me too. Jerry spoke of you often and always with kindness and fondness. He always called you the fifth TAT member.” I smiled a sad smile at the memory.

"Oh no I am the Manager of this band." She came forward with her smile becoming one of seriousness. "I would never let anyone boss me around like Shame and the guys otherwise." She winked before looking at Shamus. "My job is to deal with Drew. Go out and be with your family and friends."

"Let’s get back out there." Shamus said before kissing me sweetly asking with his kiss to be forgiven.

Duh! Like I could deny him?

"Really sorry Sass." He said against my mouth effectively making me melt. I loved the feel of his talking sweet things against my lips. He may have given that piece to other women, but it was and would always be mine.

"I overreacted Shame, you have every right to be mad. I have no right to make you feel like you can’t react because I might. It’s complete bullshit that you have to worry about that nightmare while you’re sitting smack dab in another one. My reactions are just reactions." I kissed him just as soft and just as sweet, letting my next words fall on his lips in the same manner as he did. “I’m not scared of you baby.”

He looked at me, his eyes soft and empty from anger. "I love you."

I would never get tired of hearing that. "I love you." I said back with a smile. "Now I am dying to see everyone else." I walked to the door and could hear Tayla behind me.

"I have to go talk to Cal about some guitar string fiasco." Tayla spoke as she opened the door and stopped short, looking at the man standing on the other side.

The most amazing looking man stood there smiling at the three of us. He was Asian descent, Japanese maybe? His dark eyes were coal black and he had a knowing stare to them that was a warning to anyone.

“
Yeah, he’s out there paranoid waiting on the strings.” Shamus said, smiling before locking the man in a handshake and then pulling him into a hug. Cal was paranoid over everything that involved the band. Today it was guitar strings. Tayla seemed to handle the chaos in stride. Amongst all the fans and Shames obvious frustration, she was now taking the strings fiasco in stride.

“
Sorry I was late, I heard about the drama at the door.” The unknown guy said.

“
You’re here now, you can kick ass later.” Shamus said with a laugh.

“
I’m sorry about Jerry Shame. He was a hell of a man.”

“
Thanks Drake.” He looked at me with that loving glint in his eyes and smiled. “Drake I would like you to meet my Cassa.”

Drake, OK, I knew who he was. I had heard stories of Drake and his terrifying presence. I was shocked because he wasn’t what I expected. I was expecting a guy big as The Rock. This guy was built for sure, but he didn’t look the part. Based on the stories I had heard of his strength and know how, I assume his appearance is a weapon of its own. He was very ordinary, non-threatening. It could be a mistake of epic proportions to assume the man lacked strength. “Hi, nice to meet you Drake.”

“
Well, I see the earth stood still for about five minutes.” He said with a smile before hugging me. “Um, sure.” I said and looked at Shamus through the crease of Drakes neck and shoulder completely confused about why the earth stood still.

Shamus laughed. “Drake is head of security Sass, and my friend. He has heard
a lot
about you.” He said, dragging out the
a lot
“From the day I signed on he has been with me, he always told me that if the world didn’t revolve around me that I may find you again.” He kissed along my jaw and whispered, "Thank God I did."

I looked at Drake. He definitely didn’t look like the typical security guard. He didn’t seem big enough. They must have guessed my thoughts because Drake, Shamus and Tayla started laughing. “Trust me sweetie.” Tayla said and wrapped her arm around me. “You wouldn’t want to be going up against Drake. He
is
”

“
I’m a pussy cat.”