Forgive Me (5 page)

Deciding for once in my life to be the better man, I turned to walk away when Cassa spoke up. At first she just stared at me, like she couldn't believe I had just said that to her. Of course I did. She married another man before I could come back with the proof I could always make her dreams come true.

I had somehow made her hate me in a span of five minutes. Too bad I didn't give a flying fuck. I might once the pain of seeing her perfect and flawless face again wore off.

“
I’m
not married anymore Shame. I divorced Cory and it was finalized seven months ago.” I looked around the fire at all my friends, my brothers and hated each one individually for knowing she was divorced and not telling me. They had chosen to protect Cassa's secret and leave me in the dark. I also saw the disgust at the mention of Corey Noxx, and at least that was redeemable. That was before she went right for the jugular and told me why they all hated him so much. Before she shattered all the trust I had in all of them for the secret they kept from me.

“
He slapped me one night when I left the house without permission.” She eyed me while she spoke, my rage at her confession started to create a deafening roar in my ears. “I left because Dr. Baker called me and told me your dad tried to drive himself to the hospital after taking a bad fall and hit his head on the counter. He wrapped his car around a pole on the way.” Her bitchiness as she spoke made my skin crawl. She didn’t even look like Cassa. She cocked her head to the side thoughtfully. “Remember you flew in from Alabama the next day.” Her point made she turned and walked out of the yard.

Shamus

I followed her out the side gate letting it slam behind me, leaving all my friends behind.
“What the fuck do you mean he hit you?” My voice was thick with sorrow and fury, a toxic mix from what she just told me. They all knew, all of them. I saw it clear as day on their faces when she dropped the bomb of all psych bombs. The last two years have been torture while I sat and killed myself every night, falling asleep to the image of her in bed with another mans arms around her. Now I find out that man had put his hands on what was and would always be mine.

I was going to kill that fucker the minute I found him.

“
Why are you doing any of this? Why tell me that? Why come be best fucking friends with my dad? Did you want to keep me looking like a fool, no clue what was really going on back home? Well good fucking job Mrs. Noxx! I feel like a god damned fool.”

“
This isn't about you Shamus and it never was!” Her voice was pitching in anger and it only fueled my own rage. “I did take care of your dad because he needed me Shamus! Cory didn’t. You
clearly didn’t but he did.” He watched with uncontrollable sorrow as the tears as they rolled from her eyes. This was all too much. I knew all along they were close, I knew coming home that she would be distraught over his death. Cassa had become a large piece of my dads life but he never thought she was robbing his father from him. Not until her secrets started spilling out. Dad didn't want to burden me with her drama, I get that I do, but all they guys knew she was being hit. Knew she was divorced. Knew she would be here with him in the end. I'm the one looking dumb for wanting him to go peacefully and not alone. He had never been alone.

Awesome.

Once I left home, me and my dad were able to find a little piece, let some of our anger go. It was back now though!

“
I never judged your dad Shame. I knew he was going to drink no matter how much I fought him on it. He knew what Corey was doing to me and he never made me tell him about it. By not judging one another we healed one another. Jerry knew all the secrets of my marriage with Cory. He had stayed by my side when I chose to leave him. It was one of the seldom times he was anywhere near sober. He never said a word and let me make my mistakes. When I left Cory the first time he finally told me how he felt. By the final time I left, and did so for good...” He choked on a sob and turned her back from me. “He told me he was proud of me.”

Jesus Christ t
his kept getting worse. I was so fucking confused I couldn't even ask her what the fuck she was talking about. So far if I was gathering the information correctly, then my dad, as well as my friends, knew she was being abused. Also, I think she admitted to it being more than once?

I needed liquor, a joint and a fucking shrink to figure this shit out.

*

Cassa

Shamus stood silent for what seemed like forever as I tried to gather my composure. Once I had my barrings I knew I needed to talk to him and try to explain everything without giving all of my secrets away.

"Sass I know he was your friend, and I thank you for all you did for him. I didn
’t know things got bad there for you." He stepped up to grasp my chin so I would look at him. "Please don’t cry Sassy. I still can’t bear it."

"I miss him Shame." My voice was nothing more than a broken whisper. I wanted him so bad right then. He was hurting because I was hurting and that combined with the passion we had shared for so long, I knew he could make me forget it all, even my own name if I let him. But I knew two years ago, without a question or a doubt, that Shamus loved me. He walked away and I didn't know anything now. I wiped my tears and stepped back knowing that this moment was far to intimate than I could handle. "Sorry I never called." I was sincere in that apology. Seeing him
now, knowing he was hiding the pain, I was very sorry I never called and explained the nature, the true nature of Jerry's illness.

"Well if I was a model son, I would have known." He stepped back from me and I gathered he was following my cue. Shamus and I would never be again.

He walked me to the door of my car and held it open as I climbed in. "Look I’m throwing a wake on Saturday night at Howie's. The guys from work wanted to have one. You should come and maybe say something."

Smiling knowing that a bar full of mourning crabbers was going to get messy and Jerry would have loved it. "See you tomorrow."

Shamus stood outside and watched me drive away. Before the emptiness could set in I forced myself to watch as his Bimbo Brit came out to meet him with a promise to take all his sadness away.

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

Staind

Chapter Five

Shamus

I was covered in sweat with my back against the headboard as Brittany sucked me into her mouth. I am a guy and I am getting head, so I cannot be held accountable for the various noises I make or the fact I am now thrusting into her mouth. Good as it felt, I wasn
’t into it as much as I should have been. I looked down to the blond head that bobbed at my dick and felt that old familiar knot in my stomach. I remembered a night forever ago when Jerry was crabbing and the house in Gig was all mine for the four months he was away. Cassa came over that night after she left work. She stood at my door rubbing her arms for warmth while she waited for me to open the door, rushing into them once I did.

Kissing up my neck, she was tugging at my jeans in an attempt to get them off. "I need you..." she had panted before taking me into her mouth. I backed my body against the wall and let her blow me, right there in the front of the door I had barely heard slam shut when the first lick of her mouth encased me . Her hot mouth was heaven next to her pussy. She took my length and thickness like a champ, sucking and licking me the way I liked, the way I taught her. Knowing that she had never tasted a dick, never had one inside of her anywhere made me feel like the rock star I would become. I taught her what I liked, my hand on her head guiding her deeper and faster. My voice telling her to
‘suck me harder’. My dick was her teacher and she was the student and the best head I ever had.

How many others had she given the gift of her mouth too?

The memory jolted me back to the present, crushing my chest when I saw the blond head bobbing. I let his mind drift back into the memory, now that I had a better visual I was definitely into the head I was getting now. I wrapped my fingers in Brittany's hair and moaned deep and let my mind go.

Sass took me deep to the back of her throat, swallowing me letting her legs spread out as she crouched before me. I watched her perfect mouth take me in and out, her sweet tongue danced in a wet slide over the tip as she squeezed a pearl tear from bright red head of my cock. She licked it off and went back down, root to tip. I was close and she knew it so she pumped me with her fist in deep fast strokes. She used her other hand to lick her palm before switching hands. She pumped me and her eyes were on me, a smile spread across her swollen red mouth. I thrust into her and exploded; I swore I would never forget the way my cum looked on her hand. She bent down and licked the stickiness with affection for me, not shy by my taste. I knew right then I could never love another. I pulled her up my body until she was flush against me and I kissed her deep, tasting myself in her mouth. I lifted her, without a word because we were beyond words, and carried my girl, my Sassy to my bed.

I flashed back to the present when my body convulsed in an awesome orgasm, right down pretty little Brittany's throat. When she pulled back from my cock she wasn't hiding her frustration. “What about me?" She wined and was crouched before me, naked as the day she was born, the woman was built. Two large
titt’s
danced before me as she climbed up my body. I didn't want to fuck her, not now and not ever. I wanted to crawl on my hands and knees to Sass and beg her to let me in, beg her to let me show her what I wanted. But I pulled Brittany up and over the side of the bed so her back was to me.

"I like to fuck from behind." I said, hating myself more each time. She climbed on all fours, baring herself for me without hesitation. I couldn’t feel bad for fantasizing of Cassa while I fucked her from behind. She was in it for my status, she wanted to fuck a rock star and I had used her to make Cassa jealous thinking she was still married.

I reached for the rubber and rolled it down my length, my free hand knotting into her hair.

I controlled her body like I do my drums. Owned it, owned her, made her come and made her scream, I even came again. But every thrust I thought of Sass and wished like hell it was her beneath me.

*

I placed a call for a cab first thing in the morning. I was sending Brittany home, her plane ticket waiting at will call. I was polite and explained I appreciated her affection but that she knew the score and there was nothing left between them. I may fuck an obscene amount of women but I also treated them with an obscene amount of respect.

After sending her off I made the calls to the guys, none of them answering because they were still pissed off at my accusations toward Cassa. Apparently they had all stayed in touch with her when I thought only Noah had through Carrie and Candey. I wanted answers on why none of them said a fucking word. I wanted to confront them last night, but I was busy shaking hands of the men my dad had worked with. Every one of those crabbers had a story to tell me about my dad. By the time everything wound down I just wanted a distraction before I broke into a million pieces. Brittany was that distraction.

Now none of them would answer the phone, even Mikey who I was most angry at. Mikey was my closest friend, the only one who knew the truth why I left and how much I regretted it.

I couldn’t stop her words from replaying in my mind, couldn’t make images stop flashing either. I closed his eyes and saw a that piece of shit hitting my baby. It made me furious to know
she had been violated. I was willing to let her move on and be happy, had planned on meeting Cory for the first time last night. I never expected to hear how things went down. It only increased my never ending guilt for leaving her behind. She was never supposed to be miserable. My leaving was supposed to make her happy once she moved on. She may have moved on but not for the better.

Knowing I had to get down to the dock and start cleaning out the boat I headed for the shower, thoughts of a beaten down Cassa and saying goodbye to my dad thrashing against my skull.

*

Cassa

I pulled up to Jerry's house like I told Shamus I would; preparing myself for that little bitch Britt opening the door. Today I may just let her have it. Sure I was being unreasonable but that girl was bad news looking for a good ride.

I knocked on the door but there was no answer. “So like him to forget I was coming by.” I said to myself while I worked my spare key in the lock hoping and praying I wouldn’t find Shamus mid thrust into the
fangirl
.

Walking through the house I had loved so much, seemed vacant now and there was definitely no signs of Brittany. Even in my mind I said her name with disdain. The house felt like Jerry took every drop of love with him when he died. I picked up my box and headed down the hall towards the bathroom and-

“
Oh my God!” I screamed before spinning and turning my back. Shamus stood before me, fresh from the shower. His barely there hair was still wet and little drops of water still pressed to his perfectly defined chest. Water dripped from his lashes and chin and I could smell his soap mixing with the faint scent of toothpaste. I refused to look, terrified Brittany would follow him out just as naked and just as wet.

Get out Cassa this is dangerous territory.

“
Hey.” He said before stepping behind me and into his room. “I was wondering when you were gonna pop in.”

Um, so he was just going to pretend that this was normal?

“
Yeah.” I said trying to stifle the fire burning inside relaxing a fraction when I realized he was alone. I had to literally hold back from running in that room and ripping that towel from his hips. “I uh… I didn’t have a number to call sorry I…this is a bad time I’ll come back later.”

Run damn it
!

“
No your fine I’m dressed. Come in.”

I wanted to slap my own face for the relief I felt when he told me to stay.

I walked through the door way and paused again. He was facing me and pulling a gray t shirt over his head. His chest was all definition, no rolls or loose skin there. No scars he wanted to hide. All muscle and tan and sheer male perfection covered in ink, more ink than I remembered. 'James' was inked in an arch above his belly button in Old English. His key piece however was the old gunfighters belt that he had Chad tattoo around his waistline, only it wasn't guns in the holster, it was drumsticks and they were smoking. That tattoo was Shamus and seeing it after so long, was devastating. His arms were both tatted in pink ribbons that freighted, spanning from the wrist of his right arm, over his shoulders and ending at his left wrist right above a granite cross with his mothers name on it.

His jeans hung low on his hips and his feet were bare. He looked like a dream from my past come back to life and I wanted to cry. Seeing how perfect he still was, if not better, had me wishing that I could say the same for myself and the ink beneath my skin and what it was hiding.

“
What’s with the nervousness Sass?” He sat at the end of the bed and put his socks on then his black
Mudd
boots. That was when I remembered he was rich. Mega rich. The clothes spoke volumes to the worn out faded jeans kid he used to be. “Not like you haven’t seen me in the shower before, let alone getting out of it.”

I wanted to scream for the visual he just painted. “That was a long time ago Shame.”

“
Yeah but it all still looks the same.” Winking he laughed when I blushed and he was doing it on purpose. He knew I wanted to touch him, he always knew when I wanted him and it seems that will forever be the secret I can never hide from him. I used to love how he always knew and never denied me. I hated him for it now.

“
Are you going somewhere?” I steamrolled over his comment and straight to the point. This man left me behind, heartbroken with no indication as to why. I needed to remember that when I looked at him. I needed to see betrayal and not passion. Tempting my restraint, I took a seat next to him on the bed. He looked at me and smiled, making me melt.

Stupid mind!!!

“
Down to the boat”, he stood. “I want to get it all cleaned out and see what some of the crabbers may want before I sell the rest.” That killed my
horndog
ignition quick and brought my anger and pain right back to the surface where it needed to stay.

“
Why would you sell his stuff?” Standing now so he couldn’t look down to me, I took the defensive. How could he be so nonchalant about
his
’ things, his passion for the small company he owned? I didn’t care if he was as rich as God and just as famous. That boat meant the world to Jerry and over my dead body would I let Shamus roll in and toss it all away.

“
Whoa Sass.” Grabbing me by the hips to keep me from storming out, he stopped my tirade.

What I didn't expect at all was the horrifying flinch that came from being grabbed. I had always wondered if Shame grabbed me, or stepped to close to me from behind, if I would flinch.

I will flinch. I will because I just did, and it was proof it was never going away.

“
You don’t have the right to touch me.” I snapped and roughly stepped out of his hold trying to stop the irrational fear I had and I just wanted to run. I could see the shock at my tone in his eyes but it faded quickly the minute he noticed my fear.

He stepped back and shook his head saying nothing about my reaction to his touch, nothing about the full body tremble that I wasn't hiding.
“I can’t keep it all Cassa. I have to let some of it go. I’m keeping the most important things, the special stuff. I meant equipment to give to the guys. Dad would have wanted me to give his buddies that shit, not sell it.” He closed his eyes briefly blocking the pain and sat back down on the end of the bed. “I know Harry Wallenstein needs some good equipment and Dad would have wanted him to have it.” He pulled me, shaking and panting with irrational fear between his legs to get me closer. “Thank you though, for having his best interests at heart.”

I was terrified and I could see the questions on his face, could see him fighting to ask me what I was so frightened of. This was Shamus. Shamus is touching me, not Cory. Shame will never hurt me...

I started the mantra that I had clung too for what felt like forever. Every-time anyone touched me suddenly, or if someone was behind me and I didn't know it. For almost a year I wouldn't go to crowded restaurants or stores because of severe panic attacks. I started reminding myself I was safe, who I was with, that Cory was gone.

Shame is safe...Shame would never hurt me....

He left you stupid!

“
I said don’t touch me.”

“
I could give a fuck that you said that.” He replied with the smirk he used on his fans. He was playing a game with me, one a few years back that would have had me begging him to fuck me in seconds flat. I wasn't playing a game right now. His face was right at my belt and I had to be cautious to not lift my arms and show off my scars and tattoos. My jeans were cut low and as close as I was to his face he would not be able to miss those fucking scars and that was a whole other conversation for the future. Now was now and I had to get out of here before I was in full blown panic mode.