Forgive Me (2 page)

There is nothing left of you

I can see it in your eyes

Sing the anthem of the angels

And say the last goodbye

Breaking Benjamin

Chapter One

One Year Later

“
So you’re telling me that all of this stupid shit was pointless?” I was so mad right now I could spit nails. Noah Beckett, who had essentially become one of my closest friends was the one pissing me off.

Sitting on our second hand couch that Candey and I had purchased from a killer little flea market in downtown Seattle, his hand doing questionable movements under the blanket and Candey with that all too euphoric face telling me more than I wanted to hear.

“
Cassa. His dad died for fucks sake. He was freaking out and we were due on stage in fucking London in ten minutes. He said he wanted to call you and beg for you to get to him before he passed.”

The
‘him’ in question was Jerry James, Shamus’ dad. Shame was the ‘he’ who Noah referred to freaking out.

“
So you thought, ‘hey let’s just tell him Cass is already there with him’?” I was shrieking and even I hated the sound, but panic was just that…me shrieking.

“
Look Cass. I understand the need for secrets. I understand why you did the things you did I never judge you for the decisions you have made. What I'm not down with, is lying to one of my boys when he's ripped at the seams and trying to stay loyal to band and family.” Noah leaned forward removing the hand that had been between Candey's legs a few seconds before, now those hands were cupped over his face. “His dad is dead Cassa. I know you love Jerry and that his death hit you just as hard, but it's his dad and that fucking sorrow was killing him. He needed you, knew he couldn't have you and so he wanted Jerry to have you. All I did was tell him you were on it.”

Jerry James, Shamus's dad passed away last night after drinking a bottle of Jim Beam. He had been an alcoholic for years, his drinking progressed after Shame left. Six months ago Dr. Baker told Jer his liver was failing and that he had maybe six months if he stopped drinking. Jerry only drank more and every day that past he laughed at the curse Dr Baker gave saying he would never die.

He died last night.

I had his hospice nurse call Shame while I called Chad and Candey called Noah. The guys were in London about to take the stage when Jerry took his last breath. The memory of that last breath is one I will never forget.

“
Son, I gotta go to your mom now. Write me a song yeah?” Jerry had a rattle to his voice, intensified by the slur of the booze he guzzled. The nurse from hospice, Janice, had arrived forty-five minutes ago when I got to Jerry's and saw the empty bottle lying next to the hospital bed in the living room. There were monitors and IV's all over his body. His skin was yellow and his body had started failing that morning. Jerry always said he would write his own ending, and he did so with a bottle.

I don't know what Shame said to him, but the softest and saddest look appeared on Jerry's face.
“I love you so much Shamus Ryan James.” I couldn't hide my tears, it was the most beautiful moment of my life, to witness the man who had been both a father and friend to me say goodby to his one and only child. “I gotta go now. You write me a song, don't give me no church service and get so fuckin' drunk you hear me?”

Whatever Shame said made Jerry smile.
“Come home now boy.” And then he was gone. Like a whisper in the night his last breath left on a request to his son.

I called Carrie first and she called Candey and Roni who all came to meet me at Jerry's. At seven forty-three pm pacific standard time, Jerry James died peacefully. Shamus was on the first flight out of London after finishing the show. Noah came to see Candey and tell me that Shame was home and knew I had been with Jerry in his last few months.

“
I already have given Shame a thousand reasons to hate me so what's one more right?” I ask walking into my small puke green kitchen. There were so many betrayals, so many secrets, hurts and lies that the bond between Jerry and I was really small in the plethora of shit I had kept from Shame.
Noah followed me into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, crossing his feet at the ankle and folding his arms over his chest. He was strikingly handsome. He had blonde hair that was messy, shaggy and curled around his neck and ears. He was the epitome of bed head sexy. He had green eyes and a smile that melted hearts on every stage in every country in the world. He was also madly deeply in love with my roomy Candey. His arms were covered from the shoulder to the tip of his fingers in tats, same as the rest of his body. Noah never explained himself to anyone and cared less about what others thought of him. His tats were his scars and they told his story to the world. However unless you knew Noah, and I mean knew him...it was just art. To all of us who loved him it was dark and brutal and painful.
All of that combined was a Molotov cocktail of epic
sexy bad boyness
and it did nothing for me. Even if he was single Noah Beckett didn't do it for me, only one man did and even in a potato sack Shamus James would always be the sexiest man I know.
“It's impossible to know how you feel or what you think Cass. I have inked your story across your body, covered every scar with beauty through pain. I know every detail, every secret, slap, kick, punch and fucking cruel word he said to you, but I have no idea how you feel. What I do now is how hard it is to look at yourself in the mirror after a boot to the face. I know what it's like to have that negative voice of your abuser in your head all. The. Time. But I don't know or understand what you feel on a daily basis. Just because we survive something that fucked up, doesn't mean we are healed. Surviving is the hard part beautiful. If Shamus cant see through his fucking ego that you are surviving every minute of every day, desperate for a little peace, then he can fuck off.”
He didn't wait for my reply because he knew I wouldn't have one. When Noah opened himself to you and let you in, it was very much like standing in the sun. The warmth from him, the feeling of being loved and safe and so deeply cared for was a gift that he didn't give to many
Noah Beckett everyone.

The black sky won the bet. The clouds had rolled in with a vengeance and winter had finally arrived. While the few drops of rain hit my windshield I sat in gridlock on the 405 and looked out over Mercer Island. I was day dreaming about the day I would buy my house on the shore. For now, my apartment suited me just fine.

I missed Gig Harbor but my business was Seattle based as was UW where Candey had been going when we moved in together. I drove enough as it was between work and taking care of Jerry that the drive from Gig would leave me no money. When I heard the ‘Sex in the City’ tune play from my iPhone, I knew with a smile it was Roni.

“
Hey Ron what’s up?” My brother Mike was the best brother by far. He managed to turn my best friend from childhood into my sister. Roni and Mike had been married for four years now and I was impatient while I waited to be an aunt for the third time. Roni was due in three more months with their third and final baby.

“
So how are you today?” Roni asked and I bit back laughter knowing she was probably biting her lip and nervous while calling. Roni hated when people were sad, even more she hated when Mike or I were sad. This whole mess had all of us, including Shame who she was still close with sad. This must be driving her crazy.

“
I'm okay Ron. I knew this was coming and even if it sucks....” I trailed off not wanting to go into how bad it did suck.

“
Cassa, Jerry was very close to you and I know Mike and I both will forever be indebted to him for the way he pulled you out of your shell after Cory.”

“
Out of my shell? I'm still in my shell Ron and I always will be. I just chose to let you guys in my shell from time to time.” Jerry never once made me feel like a victim. He never once told me I was stupid to get married so quick after shame. He never told me that he was sorry for Cory trying to kill me. Jerry was just Jerry. He told me he loved me, he told me I was strong and smart and he told me I was good. Those are the memories I am choosing to remember.

“
I know Cass, I'm just saying that his passing was still kind of sudden...we are never truly prepared for-”

“
He killed himself Roni, and I knew he would.” I said finishing the rest of the story I already knew. He had said it a million times over the last year once he knew his liver was shot. Organ donation was not a possibility to an addicted patient and Jerry would have flipped the bird to the idea anyway.

It didn't matter if I agreed with his decision or not, it was done and I had no choice but to accept it.

My phone started beeping and a glance at the screen showed Carrie smiling wide with a bundle of baby girl in her arms. Noelle True Blake was just shy of one month old and by far the prettiest little girl in the world. “Let me call you back Ron, Cares is calling me on the other line.”

“
Cassa”- I swapped lines knowing that Roni would ramble about his health deteriorating and trying to justify Jerry killing himself. I was so sick of men and their bullshit cop out ways that I wasn’t about to listen to Roni defend it. She had a perfect soul but she had never been touched by the black.

Carrie had and I knew she would just get it.

“
Hey.” I say and my tone tells her I am annoyed and done with dealing for the day.

“
Holy fuck Cassa.” Yep that was Carrie at her best.

“
Let me get home and off this fucking freeway and I’ll call ya.”

Her laughter was dark.
“Not even chica. I am driving to your place now and I’ll be there soon to intervene on Roni wanting to fix shit and all Jerry’s buddies wives from bringing you nasty casseroles and cakes and shit.” Carrie being Carrie, dropped the call on me knowing I would argue.

Jerry was dead and now Shamus was going to start asking questions.

*

I sat silently, my mind racing two thousand different directions, all the directions leading right back to the same one.

“
Shamus?” I asked knowing I didn’t have the right to speak his name. After almost two years without him and a lifetime between them, his name was still the most special one on my lips.

“
He came home last night Cass. He was on the first flight with the rest of the guys the minute the show was over

That wasn
’t what I meant, but nodded in acknowledgment as Carrie opened the door again. This time it was Harvey, Chad’s grandpa here to pay his respects to me and most likely to check in on Carrie and Noelle.

“
Hey darlin’.” Harvey said and kissed my forehead. “Got Letty Valdez in the car but needed to hug my favorite girls first.”

“
Hey Harvey. Thanks for coming by.”

“
Jerry was a dad to you darlin'. Whatever that boy of his mistakes are, you were still his girl Cassa.”

“
I know.” I whisper through my tears and hug him tighter. That was something Jerry would say all the time. I was his daughter with or without Shamus.

Shamus James was the one man who could bring me to my knees and that I would go willingly down for. Corey tried but he never got me there by choice. It had been two years since he left me with no explanation. I went to his house the day after he left and Jerry told me he was gone. Devastated, I slipped in a dark depression. The pain of losing Shamus; of him walking away from me, was still too fresh a wound.

Enough of this dammit!” Carrie yelled and kicked a box in my bedroom...aka their old closet. I had just moved to Seattle with Carrie and Candey...trying to get my mind straight was proving hard. I was tired all the time. I couldn't eat or sleep. I wanted to do nothing but sit in my room and cry. All I would think about was his smile, or when he would kiss me how he would speak soft little whispers against my lips. I was driving myself crazy because all the memories I had of Shamus told me he had loved me...he couldn't fake what we had.

It didn't matter now because he left just the same.

And now I was pinned in the corner by one seriously pissed off Carrie Beckett.
“I get it Sass, I do. I know how bad it hurts to not have the man you love. I know its a ripping, shredding pain but I also know there is worse shit in this world and a broken heart is survivable.”

I knew she was right. She and Noah had survived so much and now she was surviving her own broken heart, living alone without Chad. I had to survive the loss of my parents and brother. But I had Mike and Roni and I also had Shamus and Jerry... even Shames mom before she passed. I knew nothing of surviving.

“
Look Big Mouth Barbie.” Candey intervened and was looking at Carrie who was rolling her eyes at Candey's nickname. “Cass isn't you and you aren't Cass. Broken hearts are private Carrie so back off a little. You and Chad were communicating about what was fucking things up in your relationship. Shame straight up left Cass with no word, nothing.”

It was like taking a bullet every-time I heard his name. I was sick of feeling so broken and even if it was fake and make believe I needed to pretend to be happy, even if it was just for one night. I needed to feel good and pretty and even if it meant I was shallow...I needed to feel
wanted. “Lets go to the bar!” I yelled jumping from my bed almost maniacly. Within seconds they were right on board with me.