Forgive Me (27 page)

I think of Noah and Candey and the life they were both robbed of. I think of all the sadness in my world right now, and that this time is my second chance and I am grateful.
“Yes.” I say and kiss him.

This is my second chance and a new beginning. This is ours forever and ever and I cant deny it.

I never could.

Find me here,
And speak to me.
I want to feel you,
I need to hear you.
You are the light,
That's leading me,
To the place,
Where I find peace again.

Lifehouse

Chapter Thirty

Cassa

At five o
’clock that evening I met Shamus at the courthouse that was closing at six. We needed to be back to the hospital by six-forty-five for the press conference. We were limited in time but neither one of us cared as we held hands and walked up the steps.

I wore my old concert t-shirt from TOOL in 2010 that Shame took me to. This was his most favorite shirt of mine. I paired it with my best low rise jeans that hugged every curve and my old navy blue
Chuck Taylors.
Shame dressed in his usual. Cut off camo shorts,
Chucks
and an old
Aloha House
hoodie with the bands concert info on the back from one of the many sold out shows they did before making it big. We both showered and got ready and rushed here after procuring the license. We sat in comfortable silence holding hands and waited for them to call our names. We met another couple in line who were fans of TAT and after a few autographs and a quick rundown of the accident, they agreed to be our witnesses, something we had spaced on.

I married Shamus James at five-thirty-three pm pacific standard time on August sixteenth two thousand and thirteen. He cried
… and for once I didn’t.

He swore to love honor and protect me and I believe him with every fiber of my being. I swore to never let anyone come before him, and that through sickness and health I would never let my love stray.

“
You may now kiss your bride.” The judge said with a smile, our witnesses clapping. Shame looked at me with nothing but love in his eyes. “Can I say something even though we are now officially married?” He asks and I wonder what is up his sleeve.

“
Of course.” Says the judge and we all look at Shame.

“
Cassa Rae James, I swear to you that I will always love you. Every fucking day until I die.” I gasp at the graceful ‘F’ bomb he drops and he cringes and looks at the judge. “Sorry.”

He just smiles and motions for Shamus to continue. Thank God the fans we asked to witness us didn
’t call any paparazzi and that we don’t have a fan base screaming and blowing the whole thing. In this we are lucky. “I also swear that I am gonna give you babies. A shit ton of them and I swear ill make you proud to have me as their dad.”

Aaaaand there went my tears. I almost made it without them, but he knows my one weakness that I can never recover from.
“I will adopt as many as we want and give them the world and the love they deserve. I also swear I will bust ass to make our home perfect for them and that I will spend the rest of my life making sure you never regret forgiving me.”

“
Shame…” I choke on his name but he just winks and smiles before kissing me senseless.

I wouldn
’t be able to not forgive him knowing that he has forgiven me, but cannot say a word because he won’t let me go.

And I wouldn
’t let him if he tried.

I know as we sneak from the courthouse and make our way to the hospital, that the high we are on wil disappear in the face of sadness but knowing how thick and strong our bond is,
knowing that he needed to make me his before he tried to sleep tonight and face the world tomorrow is what has always been our common ground.

I love him, it is fierce, deep and all consuming and I will never question the places we crawled out of in anger and in rage
… I will only be thankful we made it back to us again.

I am Mrs. Cassa Rae James and I fucking love it!

Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles
'Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
'Cause I can't take anymore of this
I want to come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

Staind

Epilogue

Carrie Beckett Blake

It is just passed eight pm and the sky is a purple glow from the last possible light from the sun. I am sitting beside Noah who is now awake and free of tubes and oxygen. I watch the morphine IV like it is going to kill me for knowing that it is and will always be his weakness.

I want to tear it from his arm and hold him through the pain. I know this isn’t the humane way considering I understand the pain from a torn organ. Add to that his lung pain and the various wounds caused by his surgeries and I can admit to myself that he needs it.

But his needing it and his having it in this state of mind terrifies me.

He hasn’t spoken a word since waking up with Shame and the guys earlier. Cassa told me what Shame said right before they left for the press conference. I didn’t want to listen to Shamus tell the world that my brother is destroyed.

And he is destroyed.

There is no coming back from this. This is the final straw for Noah. I know it and so does Noah. It is why he wont acknowledge me. I know that right now, all he wants is a high that will make him forget.

But as I sit and think this dark and fucked up shit I see him turn and look at me with sad eyes. Those eyes tell me that I am never alone. I am a mom to Noelle and a wife to Chad, but it will always be his sad eyes that remind me of who I am. This also reminds me of who he is, and Noah cannot be broken.

“
Are you okay? Need a drink or maybe some help to the restroom?” I ask and stand to pour him some water.

What I expect from him and what he does next are two completely different things. I expect his brash anger, but he gives me his heart on his sleeve.

“
I need you to play trust with me right now sissy.” He says and his voice is grated and low from the rawness of screaming through the tube.

I am baffled by this request because Noah only ever played when I was defiant and needed him to go first. I know why he wants to play and I know the world he needs me to build.

I don’t know if I can do this, but for him, right now I will try. I turn and see Chad at the door and I know he heard Noah’s request. “Hold on a minute babe.” I say and hope he will close the door and not let anyone enter.

He ignores me though and comes in, followed by Cal and Tayla, then Shame and Cassa as well as Uncle Seth and Aunt Lilly. “No we are all going to do this round. This is a family feud
round.” He smiles and Noah acknowledges everyone who is here but doesn’t say anything and his eyes fall back on the window.

“
So,” I say and start to create the world he wants. “In this world...” I start and choke on a sob. “Cans is here, sitting beside you with your hand in hers... And you wake from this awful night
m
are, where she left you...”

The end.