Forgive Me (26 page)

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Nickleback

Chapter Twenty Nine

Shamus

It has been two days since Candey passed away. Two days in this fucking hospital waiting room as we all wait for Noah to wake up. Two days since everything I thought was right went horribly wrong.

Cassa and Carrie went to Mike and Roni’s to check on Noelle. Carrie has been a living breathing fixture in the hospital the last two days. Knowing it cant be held off anymore, they will be meeting Candey’s mom in Gig Harbor at four to make Candey's funeral arrangements.

I am here with Cal and Chad as we wait for Noah to wake up. He needs to wake up because Candey wont be laid to rest until he does. According to the Dr.
’s here a
t Overlake Hospital
, Noah is in a state of shock and it is his minds way of protecting him from the harsh reality he already knows on some level.

We have refused to leave until he wakes up. Cassa has left to gather clothes and food, as have the roadies because TAT has taken up residence until he is back.

Cal is sitting in a chair by the window texting Tayla about our press release on the accident. She is giving us until seven pm tonight because while we are all dying over the tragedy and fear for Noah, the world is salivating over the gory details.

I will be speaking tonight on the events that took place two nights ago and I am doing it for Noah and Candey and no one else.

Tayla asked if I would do it. We knew that Chad couldn’t because of Noah being his closest friend in the world, this was killing him. Mr. Perfect looked like shit for the first time in his life and it was sad as hell. On top of the sadness over Candey's unfair and untimely death, he was worried for Noah and that meant he was distraught for Carrie.

Cal is acting like nothing has happened. This doesn
’t mean he doesn’t feel it, but per the Cal Dorian handbook this is his way of dealing and always has been.

So it left me to be the voice of TAT tonight and tell the world and our adoring fans of the hit and the loss we took. There were vigils out the window of Noah
’s room. Fans with posters begging for his recovery, sympathy for his loss and posters with pictures of him and Candey on them stating that true love will never die.

I see them and I know they are loyal and the reason we do what we want and get paid for it, but I hope like fuck Noah never see
’s that shit. In this moment I understand why that banded around Cassa after her attack and did what they could to keep me from knowing and the world from telling me.

This is in your face support, and though they mean well they will undoubtedly make things worse with pictures on poster boards showing him what he has lost.

This is not fair.

Before my thoughts can run away on me I see Noah shift and then
…his eyes open slowly and he visibly struggles to focus. I slap Cal on the leg to get his attention and point at Noah’s awakening body. “Get the nurse or doctor or some shit.” I say and stand to make my way to his side. “Grab Chad too.” I say as he makes his way to the door. Cal is shaken by the certainty of what we are about to answer when Noah wakes up fully.

We don
’t know if he will remember or if, God forbid, we need to lay it all out for him. I honestly don’t know what could be worse. Knowing she died with him, in his arms if I were in his shoes I don’t think I would want to forget those final precious moments.

“
Hey.” I say and see him panic some at the sight of the tube down his throat. He go’s to reach for it but I stop him and shake my head. “Cal went to get the nurse, just chill a sec yeah?”

I watch
…literally watch as his eyes scan the room. Slowly he takes in the flowers, the various food containers from all of us being in and out and then those sad eyes land on me and I watch him realize it all was real. I know he knows because he shakes his head no and looks at me with a pleading look. He is begging me through shattered eyes to tell him this was all a dream.

He is
begging
me to tell him he was dreaming.

I want to lie so bad right now because I can't be the one that essentially confirms his worst nightmare. I am reminded of all the times over the last few months that Noah told me true, no matter how bad it hurt or gutted me to know I was wrong. Gutted me to know he had my girls back in her darkest hours. I could not lie to him.

I sit down and pull close and take his hand in mine because I need him to feel some kind of connection to all he has fighting for him. In this moment I am TAT, Carrie, Noelle and every damn fan praying for him.

“
I don’t know what you’re thinking Noah, but I can guess.”

He shakes his head no so rapidly that the tubes sending oxygen through his nose slips free and gets tangled in the tube down his throat. I can hear him trying to wail and fight me and I am so fucking wrecked right now it is hard to look at him.

But I do.

I look him square in the eyes, eyes that are crying, wet and red, and I watch him losing the control he so desperately needs to survive. I grab his hands and try to keep him from tearing everything to shreds, though I know he is torn to shreds.

Inside out.

“
I’m so sorry Noah.” I choke on the tears that fall from my own eyes and for the first time in my life I am not ashamed. “It’s true. I'm so fucking sorry.” I cry and the pain rendering sounds he makes, unable to speak and scream break me far more than any other thing in my life. I have never seen pain like this.

Not ever.

I hear him crying out and it is broken and sounds painful because of the ventilation tube. His hands are going to his chest and I know it must hurt to cry with the tri-fecta of surgeries he has undergone. Though he feels the physical pain, he is only concerned by the mental fuck he is getting knowing she is gone.

I cannot imagine his pain.

His cries, are sounds I will never forget. The tears I watch fall are the sight so few have seen from this broken man, and it is a vision that I will never recover from. In all my years on this earth, I never thought I would witness pain so fierce that it became deafening.

Cal comes in as do a slew of nurses and Doctors with Chad hot on their heels.
“You all need to go.” A nurse tells me and I look at her like she has lost her damn mind. She knows I'll fight her, as do the doctors, and Noah’s doctor steps up to me as the other various staff surround his bed blocking him from my view. “His vitals are all over the place we need to calm him down before he tears his larynx. Go.”

“
No!” I yell and shake the Doctor. off my arm.

“
Shame?” Chad says and I can hear his tears and I know he asking me to move and let them help Noah. I don't see his tears though, because I am watching Noah, his fingers grasping at my wrist, terrified that I am leaving him.

“
Shame we need to help him.”He says this and looks pointedly at me. He is a bad ass dude this doctor and he knows how concerned we all are. What he is telling me is that Noah is in danger we need to get the fuck out so they can calm him.

I understand this and the good Doc
’s reason. But fuck that I am not leaving him. I look to Cal and to Chad and they are right there with me and I know they see where I am coming from. It was Noah trying to scream that took the Doctors attention. “In the corner now and stay out of our way!” He demands and rushes to Noah.

Chad and Cal both rush to me, and though I tried to stay connected to him, to ground him, I lost and was pulled away from him.

I see a nurse loading his IV and know it is about to be sleepy time again. I keep my eyes on Noah’s as I see him fight sleep, tears streaming from them. “I'm here Noah, trust me yeah? I'm here we wont leave.” I say and I am still trying to get to him, Chad has an arm over my Chest and Cal is standing before me. But I can see him and in that stare I promise he is safe.

The room starts to grow quieter as the alarms fade, and I see Noah start to calm.

He is still staring at me, and I see him growing tired and I relax because for now he is safe.

I stand there in the room, as various nurses and doctors leave the room.

And I watch, with Cal and Chad beside me, watch as his eyes close and he is silent.

*

Cassa

I make it back to the hospital with Carrie in record time. Chad called her and told her Noah was awake but not doing good considering he remembers it all and freaked out. Oh fucking God this is so not fair. I think of the only Noah I have ever known. I see him strong and stoic but so dark. I understood the darkness but now I knew he would be in the black. That was something I
understood too. It’s a place of hopelessness. If you have been hopeless you can understand my meaning, but if you haven’t then you should hope you never will.

I wait in the waiting room for Shamus to come to me and it feels like hours until I see him. He looks like he crawled out of hell. His face is ashen, his eyes are dark with circles around them. He has a two day growth of hair on his face and his clothes are stretched and wrinkled.

He see’s me and I watch his features crumple as his arms open to envelope me in the saddest embrace of my entire life.

“
Carrie is here?” He asks me and I nod as tears escape my eyes.

“
She came with me. We were with Candey's mom when Chad called.”

He nods and takes my face in his hands and looks at me the most intense look of our relationship.
“You need to understand in anyway it’s easiest baby, that I cant live without you.” His voice cracks and I watch him fall apart as he fights to tell me what he is feeling. My own tears are falling at seeing my Shame, so strong and full of love and life, broken by the tragedy. “I just watched the realest most horrific thing in my entire life. I told my best friend that the love of his life is indeed gone and never gonna be back.” He shakes his head as if trying to clear the memory. He looks at me and points to the door leading to Noah. “I just confirmed his worst fucking nightmare baby and I cannot fathom that pain. I watched him fight that truth with everything he had and it did no good.”

His voice is shaking and I know the loss of sleep and the pain of seeing what I can only imagine as horror I know he is simply lost right now.

I will be his anchor in this. I swear it to myself as he holds me close and cries against me. “I have you baby.” I whisper and it is my strongest promise. “I have you and I am going nowhere.”

He nods letting me know he hears my vow and takes a deep breath.
“I know in the realm of everything that is so fucked up this will sound insane but, marry me baby. Right now. Lets hit the courthouse and get married.”

I look at him like he has lost his mind because duh he has lost his mind.
“Shame I know this is hard and we are all hurting, but baby now isn’t the time.”

“
Why? Tell me why because all I can think is that a year or so ago that could have been Noah telling me you were dead baby and it makes my stomach turn. This shit is very close to home with me and unlike Noah, I can marry you.”

I am floored by the depth of his request and I want him to think of what he is saying.
“Baby Noah and Candey weren’t engaged or even close to that sort of commitment. They were up and down and madly in love but”- I stop talking when Shame shakes his head no vigorously.

“
That’s it babe. I forgot you don’t know….no one does baby. Remember at the wedding when we were dancing and we watched Noah and Candey hugging and kissing and being in love?”

My chest hurts at the memory of the two of them so completely in love and devoted. I close my eyes and nod because I am beyond words and cant speak through the lump in my throat.

“
Baby only I know this but… Noah had just proposed to her and Candey said yes. That’s why they were so fucking happy, and that’s why I know I need to honor that in some twisted fucked up way.”

Holy shit I have to wrap my head around this fucked up piece to this nightmare.
“Babe, I will marry you if it is what you want and need to help you get through this. I have no problem with that commitment.”

“
This sounds like you are about to tell me no Sassy.” He says and closes his eyes, hurt by my reaction.

“
No, I will never tell you no, not when we are talking forever baby. All I am saying is that by running off and eloping I am scared it will be a slap in the face to Noah, when everyone learns we did it in the midst of all of this.”

“
Baby…” He says and I can hear the reasonable side of Shamus James coming back on line. “This is about us, you and me and nothing else right now. I need to marry you baby because I failed last time. We do not get second chances often baby and Noah got robbed his only chance.” He kisses me softly and cups my face in his hands and looks at me as he speaks. “Marry me baby. We can have a wedding for everyone else down the road when we feel like it and until then this is our secret, but marry me now. Be mine now.”