Forgive Me (21 page)

“
Cass!” I hear Roni yell as she breaks from the rest of the girls, her pregnant belly being supported by her hand as she runs in her flip flops toward me. Scared she will fall, I yell back.

“
I’m fine, okay? I don’t need you running and your water breaking because I am a cry baby.” I laugh through my tears.

“
Then wait a minute, will you!” She yells back now kind of hopping in a run as the pavement of the parking lot becomes loose gravel for additional parking.

Those fucking bitches, Right and Left, are probably parked front row, unlike me who came late and got stuck in the very back.

I look up to see Carrie, Candey and Tayla all running now too, in the same awkward and unbalanced jog as Roni and I start laughing hysterically in a way that only a group of girlfriends could laugh at each other.

It is then I realize they are exactly what I need right now.

“
Will you please stop, all of you? You look ridiculous!” I yell as I watch them hobble their way over to me. All three were wearing some great stilettos, and walked on ankles that looked about to break.

We are all laughing now as we get into my car. Roni takes my keys, saying, I am too upset to drive. We all laugh harder because we are in hysterics at this point. My heart is an open wound for sure, but right now I give the keys over, because I can
’t stop laughing.

We are all still laughing as we make our way to the apartment I share with Candey. Various jokes are made at Ron
’s expense, her race to my car, yelling and waving her arm, clearly not supporting her bump.

But as we make our way inside, I stand back watching Candey get out the liquor and shot glasses and Carrie bringing the chocolate out of my bedroom
… I break down.

Within seconds they are holding me as I sob. Giant waves of sadness wrack my body as the last two days play out in hi-def. I am stronger with them around me and I know this, and so, I let it out. All the rage, all the fear and pain and shame over the last two years
… and for the first time I feel all I have lost.

“
Ron you were right what you said to me earlier.” I cry and bury my head in my hands.

“
I know I was sweetie.” She says and she doesn’t mean it in any way to make me laugh. She wants me to face it all head on and see my strength. “Just let it out Cassa.” She says in her motherly soothing tone I have heard her use countless times on my nephews.

It has been so long since I felt my mother around me, but right then I know she is looking at Roni here with me and is so proud of the woman Mike chose.

“
I didn’t deserve this life.” I say and I have never said those words out loud. Somehow or someway I had to have deserved this because I am not Jobe. I deserved growing old with Shamus Devin James. I was never meant to be Cassa Rae Stapleton-Noxx. More words tumble out as I cry. “I deserved to be a mom and he robbed me of that. I deserved to stand up the times I did.” I look at them bawling my eyes out and seeking reassurance. “I didn’t deserve to be beaten and degraded for knowing what he was doing to me was wrong.”

I watch as Candey turns her head, her eyes red and glistening. I know she is trying to not cry. Carrie and Roni are allowing their tears to fall.
“No Cass you didn’t deserve it.” Candey says, her voice breaking at my pain, her tears now falling too.

“
I should have told Shame about the baby. I should have gone after him and reminded him, he would always be mine. I was so lost though, and then Cory came and made me feel special.” I wipe at my face trying to force my tears to draw back, but they only fall harder. “I missed him so fiercely, with every fiber of my being and I never saw it coming. I was his, ya know? He called me Sassy and Baby and he held me like I mattered. Like I was so important to him he would die before he hurt me. I just wanted that back and I went looking for it in Cory.”

They say nothing, because I am not done freaking out, and they know it.
“I was so safe with Shame and with Cory too, at first. But the minute I lost my baby, it all went away. Shame was gone, long gone, and our baby was too. My baby was all I had left of him and I would have loved it more than anything on this earth.” I clutch at my chest as if trying to hold my heart to keep it from hurting. My other hand folds across my empty womb and once again I feel the scars that remind me I will never hold a child of my own.

Ever.

“
After that I just let the cards all fall. In my mind it didn’t matter that I had lied to Cory anymore, because I had paid dearly for it, time and time again. It didn’t matter when he hit me, kicked me, or told me I was worthless… I knew I was.”

“
No. Not even Cass. You, never deserved what Cory did! I won’t sit here with you, broken and bleeding your emotions and have you tell me it was okay.” Candey gripped my chin and forced me to look at her. “Do you hear me? It wasn’t okay. None of it.”

Candey is so determined for me to believe and I know that I should. “I just want to rewind and do it different. I would chase Shamus down and tell him he couldn’t leave me. I would plead my case and tell him about our baby.”

“
Then plead it now sweetie.” Noah was standing behind us, his arms folded over his chest. He looked intense and angry. “Shame is outside and determined to see you.”

I
’m horrified, because he is the last person I want to see right now. I’m far too emotional and hurt to look at anyone, even Noah, right now. “No, I can’t. Sorry, Noah, but I can’t see him right now.”

Candey stands and goes over to him, wiping under her eyes as she go
’s. “Babe I sent a text that I would call you later.”

He nods but looks past her to me. I could see the look of hurt on Candey
’s face at his obvious dismissal of her and I didn’t want this touching them.

“
So what? I'm supposed to go out there and tell him you won't talk to him? Side with you again and leave him completely fucked up again?”

Oh shit! Noah is pissed at me. Not good.

“
Hey!” Candey snaps and Noah looks at her.

“
What?” He yells back.

Oh fuck this is getting bad.

“
She is in a bad place to Noah. Get off her ass!” Candey folds her arms over her chest and stands toe to toe with him, just as defiant.

“
Well let’s draw a line in the fucking sand, then!” He yells and runs his hands through his messy blonde hair in frustration. “I’m leaving here and I’m going to Shame. I won't sit back and watch you let him walk willingly this time.” He says to me and points his finger. “I had your back, stood at your side in all of this. I know more about what you went through than your own family knows, so I know you can fucking talk to him. You just won't! I won't wreck this band and all it is to me Cassa. Not over this.”

If it were possible to feel any lower, I didn
’t know.

“
Jesus fuck, Noah. She said not right now!” Carrie roared and jumped from her chair, mad as hell that Noah couldn’t get it. “She doesn’t want to talk to him right now.” Her voice was calmer now as she looked at him, seeing something in his features that brought her anger to a halt. “Just let her breathe a minute Bubba. I promise she will talk to Shame, we will make her if we have to, but look at her Bubba.” She looks over at me and sees what has to be the saddest sight. “She can't right now, yeah? Trust me?”

Noah watches me for a minute and then looks to Carrie.
“Yeah… yeah, trust.” He says and turns to Candey mumbling something only she can hear. Whatever it was softened her immediately and she folded her body into his, kissing his neck and soothing her hand down his back.

“
I'll call you later.” He says and kisses her head before turning to me. “I’m sorry I broke up the crying and shit, but I mean it Cass. This shit has to stop. You’re like Yoko right now and we won’t stand for it. He deserves the whole truth, figure it out, or I will.”

Noah left with a quick nod at Ron and Carrie who were still somewhat shocked at Noah
’s threat. I waited for the door to close and it’s Carrie who laughs. “Fucking jerk!”

I
’m completely numb at this point and let myself fall into the chair by the couch. “No, he isn’t. He is right. I need to talk to Shame I know I do.”

“
No, you need to talk to Shamus on your terms Cass, not on Noah’s. I get he is worried about Shamus but enough is enough.”

“
Maybe you should get some rest Cass.” Roni says as she stands to start cleaning.

I nod and make my way to my room, I close and lock the door because I don
’t want to be bothered anymore tonight. They all made good points in both our favors, but it was my choice to talk or let Noah do it for me. The coward in me wanted Noah to tell him all I had told him, but the woman I so desperately missed knew it was a cop out.

*

“
So killer, right?” I ask, my voice hoarse from walking down the street yelling for Sassy to come out, come out, wherever you are.

Mike and the guys were following me as I climbed the monster hill to her apartment, staggering the whole way. Mike wasn
’t saying much and I knew it was because he was torn between his loyalty to his sister and his best friend.

Noah was on my heels though, right along with me, laughing as I yelled into the night. He kept riling me with things like,
“fuck yeah, get your girl” and laughed after I would yell out for her. Chad and Cal were far more reserved though and tried to get me to stop and go home to bed. They wanted me to have a clear head when I saw Cassa, it was Noah who yelled at them. “Haven’t we protected her enough? Seriously? Shame has the right to get her talking, I say Van Morrison would be proud, this is like the song, Sweet Thing.”

That, had all of us laughing.

“
At least he is quoting Van and not AIC.” I say with a hiccup and slap him on the back.

“
Sheeeeeit! AIC has nothing on this twisted game between you and Cass.”

“
It is twisted man,” I say as I drink from the bottle I carry buried in a crumpled brown bag…. then, I start yelling again.

By the time we are at the apartment, Cal and Chad are promising me more beer, but only if I stop yelling.
“You are already white-girl wasted.” Cal says annoyed with me.

“
Yeah, he is.” Chad says and grunts as I stagger and lean against him nearly taking him off balance.

“
Shh. Less, lissen.” I say, swaying from side to side.

I stand there completely numb from the tip of my nose to the tip of my toes and I am so frustrated I can't hear shit. Finally, after an agonizing ten minutes, if that, Noah comes back out, his jovial mood now completely gone.

“
Let’s go.” He says and starts walking the opposite direction of where we came.

“
Where we going?” Cal yells and scoops through one of my arms and Chad scoops through the other.

“
Candey called a cab, we gotta get to Shell down the road.” He says as he jogs across the street. We aren’t moving as fast as Noah because I can barely walk, let alone hold myself up.

“
Thank God.” Both Chad and Cal say and I should be offended but I don’t know why. I eyeball Cassa’s apartment as we pass, calling out her name or a vague rendition of it but fail to get her attention.

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

Placebo

Chapter Twenty Two

Cassa

I wake the next morning in a sweat drenched bed with a pounding in my skull. Nightmares of everything I finally faced last night, played out like a jaded and broken movie reel for me all night. I don
’t know how many times I woke, grasping at drenched sheets or waking up gasping from ghost pains due to the various kicks I took to my ribs.

“
You’re such a fucking useless waste Cass. Fucking leave already…improve my life.”

I could feel the raw and tender scalp from the times he knotted his fist so tight in my hair forcing me to look at him. Feel his hand as it slapped against my cheek in a demand for my submission.
“Look at me you fucking cunt.” I could still feel his spit as it hit my face and my tears, hot as a branding iron, as they escaped my eyes, no matter how hard I had fought to keep them back.

I jump from the bed and all the dreaded memories. I need coffee and a shower to wash away the burden of last night. Once the water is scalding hot that it is painful, I finally step under the spray and feel the burning effects of the night wash away. My thoughts are now overrun by Shamus and his incessant screaming of my jumbled name last night out my window. His voice was horse and raw and I wanted to go to him but knew I wasn
’t in a state of rationality. All the burning questions of his tirade last night came rushing back.

He had a ring
… he threw it off the Gig bridge… Cal and Noah both knew why he left, the real reason… so many questions I needed answers to.

By the time I was out of the shower, it was only my burning questions for Shame that occupied my mind. Cory was all but forgotten for the time being, or until my subconscious decided to play memory roulette, whichever came first.

I walked in the kitchen to see Tayla and Candey drinking coffee at the table. “Hey chica. Coffee is ready.” Candey says and smiles at me. I know none of my girls will ask how I am and I am grateful.

I pour my cup and move to sit beside Tay.
“You’re here early.” I say and sip from my cup of Seattle’s Best.

“
Business.” She says and shrugs before handing me a stack of pictures and unpublished articles from every press docket in Washington. They’re all pictures of me, shocked and hurt looks on my face, from every possible angle. Shame to my left at the table in the Aloha House with that fucking rock star smirk on his face, I can't stand. I read the first headline, “Shamus James dumps short time girlfriend in a bar back home, details page six.”

I toss the remaining stack on the table and groan, burying my face in my hands.
“God damn it. How bad is it?” I ask not making eye contact.

“
Not at all sweetie. This is me doing my job. I call it damage control.” Tayla taps my arm and I raise my head enough to look at her. She has a small manila folder in her hand. “Sign these, honey. They’re documents stating, that if you decide to go public, on you and Shame’s relationship, that you’ll give a personal interview with Shame at your side.”

Before I can even ask how, she laughs. “Honey, this doesn’t mean you have to ever talk about it. It just states, they won’t run it, if you promise to give an exclusive
when
you do. Who the fuck knows when,
when,
will be?”

I love her so much right now it’s almost erotic.

I grab the pen and give a shy thank you, because she must have been up all night doing damage control.

As I am signing what feels like fifty papers, all promising the same thing, Candey stands and grabs her keys. “I’m off to fuck Noah.”

I almost spit my coffee at her declaration and she laughs loudly as she makes her way to the door. I don
’t know how it is that she and Noah still shock us all considering their vulgar displays, but they do it and often.

“
God I don’t know how her and Carrie do it,” Tayla says silently. I can only assume she means be with rock stars.

“
Carrie is a pro at it these days, Candey is just Candey. She and Noah are kismet in a crazy way.”

Tay laughs, but she seems distant. Fearing she is angry about all the track down and cover up work she was obviously up all night doing, I know I should apologize.
“I’m so sorry you have to lose sleep over this and get mixed up in the drama. Hopefully he had his fun and he can talk to me like a sober adult today.”

Tay just smiles and places her hand over mine.
“What he said to you last night wasn’t cool, but give him a break babycakes. He didn’t mean it.”

Oh man, poor Tay didn
’t understand how wrong that was to say to me. I am immediately thrown back to a memory with Cory.

I had just come home from the hospital after miscarrying. I was tired and in both physical and mental pain. Cory had been so distraught over the loss, he was barely talking to me at all. I was terrified he knew the truth and was just waiting for the other shoe to fall.

I had slept in the first morning home and was cramping something fierce. I was barely able to get from the bed to the restroom and sometimes I would cry the whole way. By the time Cory got home from work, it was late and he had been in court all day so I stayed in bed resting. I decided knowing how I was hurting and the late day he had, that pizza was the meal for the night.

He was distant at first, just walked slowly around the room looking at everything with extreme intent until his eyes fell on me. “What the fuck did you do all day?” He asked me, his eyes, terrifying.

I tripped over my words, taken back by the nasty twist in his demeanor.
“I stayed down today resting.”

He stalked the end of the bed before coming up to the nightstand where my bottle of pain killers was. I had taken one in the morning, but I zoned out so bad I didn
’t want another so decided to stay down and stick to the over the counter Med's instead.

“
One this morning, but I didn’t like how it made me feel.” I was answering cautiously now, scared of the vibe he was radiating. I knew then that was the change in him and the first sign I should run and never look back.

Before I could even register his movements I felt the sting below my eye from the back of his hand.
“Don’t fucking lie to me. I come home from a fifteen hour day and your lazy ass is in bed doped out of your mind.” His voice was nothing but furious rage and the warmth I had always seen in his eyes was replaced with disgust. “I know being a rock star’s groupie for a few years might have killed more than a few brain cells, but I won’t tolerate this shit. You need to carry yourself with more class or you and your shit will be out of my house so fast you won’t know what hit you other than my foot as I kick you out the door.” He doesn’t wait for a reply before he sweeps his arm across my bed table and all the contents, tissues, medication water and my books, all go flying across the room and to the floor.

He grabbed me by the back of my head and knotted his fist in my hair, forcing me to stand from the bed.
“Get off your lazy ass and get this shit cleaned up.” He tosses me to the floor like a rag doll, and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

It was a good hour later when he came walking back in the room, all sweet and loving. In his hand a glass of red wine and a plate of pizza that I had ordered before his attack. I flinch when he sits at the edge of the bed beside me, terrified of his next move.
“Don’t flinch Kitten, I won't hurt you.” He says it as he brushes his fingers against the painful and swollen bruise beneath my eye. “Fuck Cassa, I'm sorry baby. I've been so upset all day about the baby and I couldn’t concentrate in court because I was worried about you. You were so sad last night and it took all my focus today. Once I was home and the entire house in disarray and you are ordering pizza with my money… I lost it.”

Listening to the excuses, I knew then, the monster I had married. He had managed to make it all my fault and found a way to manipulate me into believing I
’d wronged him and was to blame.

“
I won't do it again Kitten I swear.” He says and kisses the bruise softly. “I didn’t mean it you know I didn’t.”

I am pulled from the memory of Tayla waving a hand in front of my face.
“Earth to Cass?” She says when I blink and look at her confused because obviously I tuned out while she was talking.

“
I'm sorry.” I whisper and close my eyes wishing I could forget. “I think I'm still tired.” I laugh it off hoping she won't notice my obvious distress over the memory. I bring my coffee to my lips, my hand trembling.

“
That isn’t tired Cass. That was ugly as hell whatever it was. You want to talk I am all ears, if not ill respect your wishes.”

“
I'm okay, really.” I say and smile even though I'm ready to burst into tears.

She nods and stands gathering the papers. I'm still lost in the awful memory, idly cupping my cheek relieved when there isn
’t any pain.

“
Cassa?” She says from the door and I turn to look at her. “Whatever it is that put that look on your face… it wasn’t your fault.”

She leaves without my response and within seconds I hear her mustang ripping ass from my apartment building.

She was right… it wasn’t my fault, but like usual, I brushed it under the rug and told myself repeatedly that day that he wouldn’t do it again… he wouldn’t, he loved me too much. I had vowed to give to Cory what I had so desperately wanted to give Shame. I devoted my heart and soul to him, all but the small pieces Shame would forever own. I swore I would never push him that far again.

I was wrong though
…it only ever got worse, until I was left for dead, broken and bleeding, butchered and robbed on the bedroom floor.

*

Shamus

I woke up this morning with jaded memories of the night before flashing through my mind, and an aggravated Tayla beating down my door.

I roll from my bed in an alcohol induced buzz, that informs me I am still drunk, not buzzed and this shit will hurt later. By the time I make it to the door I hear my cell phone ringing “So what? I’m still a rock star…” and I fear the banging on the door combined with Tayla calling is the starting point of one hell of an ass ripping. I open the door, but don’t offer her entry, because I know she will barrel through anyway. Instead, I turn and head to my kitchen to start brewing coffee and search for pain med's that will kill any headache planning to make an appearance once I’m sober. I hear the door slam and smile.

I smile because I am an idiot…only an idiot smiles in the presence of a pissed off woman.

“
How are you feeling today?” She asks me sweetly before taking a seat at the counter in my kitchen. Her tone is sweet and caring and I am smart enough to know it’s a façade.

“
Still drunk.”

She rolls her eyes at my response before dropping a folder on the counter. “I just left Cassa’s and made sure she understood what I was having her sign, considering this is the first time she has been photographed by a shit-ton of paparazzi.”

I take the folder and pour my coffee, drinking from it as I make my way to my living room, preparing to sit and read all about my eventful night.

The first picture stops me from any more laughter. Cassa is standing in front of my table at the Aloha House, Carrie beside me, with a death glare on her face, and me smirking at the pain on Cassa’s. Oh fuck me what did I do? I read the entire story, from what I gather, I guess I made our personal fight a public one. “Jesus, I was so drunk Tay, I can’t remember what I said other than I know I was mad at her.”

“
Oh, you told the entire bar, Cassa included, the engagement ring, throwing it off the Gig Bridge. My personal favorite, was you telling her that she had no right to be hurt by your behavior.”

Appalled at my behavior, I groaned and look at her.
“Why the fuck would that make you happy?”

She taps her chin, as if in deep thought, and looks at me smiling.
“Oh, because she told you to fuck off loud and clear… it was quite amusing.”

“
Jesus.” I groan and sit back rubbing my hands over my face.

“
Yep.” She says and tossed the manila folder on my lap. “Cass signed this morning I need you to sign. You know the drill.”

I sign per the usual and sit back to look at Tayla.
“What does damage control from my end look like?” She has spent more time with Cassa since I’ve been back, than I have, and I need to know how she is, is she effected by this or am I just a pansy?

“
She’s sad, very sad. This morning… I don’t know what was on her mind, but she completely zoned out while we were talking over coffee. Whatever it was that stole her thoughts was ugly. I’m only guessing here, but I think it was something from her past and nothing to do with you.”