Forgive Me (15 page)

“
Trust me, he’s good.” Tayla said with a smile as we all made our way to the bar.

It was time to say goodbye to a sweet old man.

I'm a sailor peg
And I've lost my leg
Climbing up the top sails
I lost my leg!

Dropkick Murphy's

Cassa

I looked around the bar. There were so many people who loved Jerry. Hundreds of candles sat on the bar for people to light in Jerry's honor. I looked at the people who worked, or fished or just loved him plain and simple.

I had Shamus's hand in mine; his thumb stroking the soft skin on the top of my hand as we listened to Dr. Baker talk of Jerry. We were surrounded by the rest of TAT at the table all of them nodding as various men stood with tears in their eyes as they remembered their friend. Howie went to the microphone and said anyone who wanted to talk could come up and say their piece. Every-time one finished, another crabber came up honoring Jerry with a shot of Jim Beam and a story from the water.

Who I didn
’t expect to stand next was Cal. Shame turned from his position at the table and looked to the remaining members of TAT and our friends. This was not in the Cal Dorian handbook. Cal was a happy go lucky type, never said a bad word and comforted from a distance. I knew from my time in the hospital that Cal cared he just had trouble showing it. He called me every day, even now, every day from the day of my attack. He never asked me how I was or if I was OK. Cal would call and talk about whatever was on his mind… IE, TAT. He was sweet and endearing without being overbearing. You just always knew he cared for you even if he never admitted it. Actions, when it came to Cal, always spoke louder than words. Knowing he was about to speak about Jerry… well, I just didn’t expect it.

The guys at the table were shrugging, just as confused by Cal standing to talk. We all watched, Shames hand in mine grew tighter when Cal lazily poured himself a shot and made a cheers potion toward Jer
’s picture.

“
I knew Jerry James my entire life.” He looked at Shame then and smiled. “I have been friends with Shame since before kindergarten and have been forever it seems. I remember when Brenda passed away the way Jerry was stoic and strong as an Ox. We were young still, raising hell and wanting nothing more than to be famous rock stars. I see where we have come and I look back wondering where the drive to do what we have done came from.”

Cal took the shot and looked at Shame.
“When we left for California, having no clue what would happen, your dad called me Shame. He told me you guys had words and that you left on bad terms. It was normal for you and Jer to be at each others throats so I brushed it off. What I didn’t expect, though, what was your dad told me that day.”

I felt Shames hand tighten in mine, I looked up to his solemn face and could see his glistening eyes as he listened to Cal. He wasn
’t upset by Cal’s words… I think he was upset that he never knew there had been words. Shame couldn’t hide the shock as Cal kept talking.

“
He told me I had the mind of a businessman and he knew I would do right by all of us boys. I have tried, I know most the time I’m self involved in all things TAT, but I had promised your old man that I would fight for us to be where we are today.” Cal pinched between the bridge of his nose and hung his head, fighting the emotion of the story. I looked to Noah, who had his arms folded across his chest and his head down as if in prayer. Chad had his arm around Carrie, who was tucked in tight in the crook of his neck idly stroking her arm. Candey had her hand on Noah's back, tracing her fingers between his shoulder blades… and Shame still sat there squeezing my hand never taking his eyes off Cal.

“
He put the weight of the world on my shoulders that day and I'm so fucking glad he did Shame. He told me that you gave it all up for a pipe dream and that he was mad as hell about it too. But then he told me what stuck and I would like to share this piece of Awesomeness with you all today.” Cal set the shot glass down and turned slightly so Shamus was in his line of vision. This was being said to the room, but the message, whatever it was, was meant for Shame only. “He told me that he only had one legacy and it was one you were never meant for. He said he had watched you over the years and saw what talent looked like. He said it was like watching a miracle in front of his eyes. Your whole life he had molded you into crabber material and you shed the lesson like a new skin. He told me you were where you belonged, he told me to keep you focused and strong and to never doubt yourself because he was mad and never meant it. Now I don’t know what he, “never” meant, but what I do know is he was so fucking proud of you Shame.”

I felt Shame flinch at Cal
’s words and looked at him to see tears falling freely from his eyes. I heard the sniffles of Candey and Carrie behind me and Mike and Roni, both holding hands while drying tears. It dawned on me how bad Shame needed to hear it. I knew Jerry was proud of him, because he always told me. He never once told Shamus… I saw it now.

“
I fought for us as a band because your dad's words stuck. I knew only a fraction of what you walked away from, I had no idea there was more, there was everything that you gave up to follow us. When I talked to him that day and he told me those words… I promised myself that I would fight tooth and nail to make it right.”

I glanced behind me when a wet eyed Chad Blake cleared his throat and shifted slightly to wipe at his wet face. Shame had lowered his head, his hand constantly wiping at the tears from Cal’s words. Noah still sat in the same position with his head down unmoving. I don’t know
what happened the night Shame left other than he had ripped my heart out. Now I knew there was more to his leaving than anyone knew.

“
I wanted you to know that he changed our lives calling me that day. I booked every club, every radio station. I knew we were tired and losing sleep, but I kept hearing him tell me you gave up everything to try. He was proud of you Shamus. He told me he always knew you would hack through a jungle just to leave your tracks so the world knew you were there. Jerry was an old school guy who was skeptical about everything, but he knew, even when you guys weren’t talking, he knew you had what it took. He told me to push you until you were kicking and screaming and then to push more…so I did and Jer was right. You shine, brother, when you play you shine. Those were your dad's words, not mine. But the old cantankerous fucker was right.”

With that Cal took another shot, set the glass down next to Jerrys picture and left the stage. Shame dropped my hand and stood, not caring who was watching him, grabbed Cal when he made it to the table and pulled him in for a hug. This was by far the most open public emotion anyone, even me, had ever seen from Shamus. Choking on his tears he hugged Cal.
“Thanks bro.” He said it quietly but Cal heard him and hugged him tighter.

*

Shamus

"So I will meet you at your house?" Cassa asked, my hand in hers as I walked her to the door. I didn’t want us to be seen together or she would never find peace. In the long run she would have to face it, but right now with her ex husband most likely getting out of the clink I didn’t want to test his restraint and seeing Cassa with the rock star she had always loved… it might be the straw that breaks the psycho ex husbands back.

I held her tight to me not wanting to let her go. The night had been a true honor to my father and now I wanted to be near someone who loved him as much as I did. "Can I come to your place?" I pulled back to cup her face in my hands. I would rather peel my eyelids off with toenail clippers than admit to needing comfort, but I trust Cassa to know the truth. "I can’t go there tonight; it’s too much right now."

Cassa leaned in and cupped my face in her hands mimicking me with a smile. Small things like that inflamed that fire inside of me making it burn brighter and hotter. "Of course Shame." She tiptoed her small frame to mine and kissed me sweetly on the lips. "I will see you soon."

I nodded and kept her fingers locked with mine until they slipped free when she disappeared out the door. I couldn’t move from the spot, I just stood there like a pussy relishing the memory of her sweet body against mine. It was broken quickly though when hoots and hollers from behind me broke my attention.

“
Hey Shame, have you got some peaches and cream, lip gloss?” This was Chad, and really the fucker thought he could make jokes at my expense when he was ten times more hopeless than me. “Carrie left hers at home, but I figured you might have some in your purse.”

I heard the smack and his responding ouch before I turned to see an annoyed Carrie glaring at him.
“Don’t listen to him Shame, he’ll be regretting that joke later.”

Carrie talked a good game, but to threaten that she would refrain from having sex with him was a joke. They fucked like rabbits and she is just as bad as him.

I just smiled and shrugged accepting the jokes. I loved the jokes. It means they saw what I had been feeling between me and Sass. It meant what I was feeling was real. “Don’t hold out on him sweetie. This time I love being the butt of the joke.”

Her responding smile was more proof.
“So you guys good then? No more brooding sad sack Shamus?” That was Mikey and the sound of his voice brought the betrayal back to the surface. It also reminded me there was still too much left unsaid between me and Sass.

I shrugged and let out a deep breath, taking a seat at the table.
“We still have a lot to work out, but we both agree that being apart isn’t an option.”

“
Together is how you guys should have always been. It doesn’t matter the reasons for why you left or why she rushed to move on.” Candey said, standing and dropping a kiss on Noah’s head. “What matters is how you're together now Shame.” She slipped her coat on and Noah stood, most likely to walk her to her car. There was an unspoken bond and deal between these girls that Cass wasn’t alone often. It was amazing the way they made it seem coincidental when it was all thought out. She left on her own, but one of them would soon follow.

“
Shame, you coming to our place tonight?” Candey asked, looking at me then Noah. I knew why she was asking.

“
Yeah… that okay?”

She was nodding.
“Of course. I figured you wouldn’t want to be at home tonight.”

That right there is why these people are my family. They fucking get it even when you don
’t say it. “Yeah.”

Candey turned and straddled Noah over the front of his chair.
“That means I’m coming to your place.” She kissed him, biting his lower lip, forcing most of us to look away from the display.

“
We need to get home to the sitter.” Carrie said, standing and tugging at Chad’s hand.

“
I am hitting the ‘rents tonight.” Cal said, not bothering to see the look of hurt on Tayla. Something, I didn’t know what, but something was there.

“
Can I have a few with you guys before you all leave?” I ask the guys. Carrie and Candey both make their way out the door, with Roni and Mike following them. Tayla was getting ready to leave to; her dagger glare was noticed by all of us except the one she was glaring at. Cal, unaware sat flicking a guitar pick between his fingers. “Need me?” Tayla asked, hiding her frustration. Seriously, what the fuck was going on?

“
Yeah, this involves everyone.”

When it was just TAT at the table and Howie and his employees cleaning up after the night I decided it was time to talk to my band and let them know where my head was. I had talked to Noah, I knew I wasn
’t leaving them.

I couldn
’t.

“
So what’s up?” Cal asks, dropping the guitar pick. You could feel the excitement coming off of him. He probably hadn’t slept since I said I was leaving the band. He was like an adolescent in so many ways when the band was concerned. Success was a drug to him. Even with what he had said earlier, I still think Cal would have driven us just as hard. We all sacrificed to be where we are today, even Cal.

“
Me and TAT are one and you guys are TAT. I can’t imagine my life being anything different than it is. The one thing that had been missing is with me now. There isn’t a point in lying and saying that this shit didn’t kill me. As betrayals go, you guys owned it, but I understand why you did.”

I
’m not an emotional guy, but as far as heartfelt speeches go I feel like I nailed it. Noah cleared his throat and nodded. “It was never about betrayal so much as protecting the things that mattered. We had to protect TAT, we had to protect Cass.”

I cup my hands over my face and groan because I don
’t want to hash this shit out with Noah again. Chad, Cal, even Tay, I’m good to go the rounds, but Noah was hard to argue with, especially with fucked up shit like this. He knew the dark, he was its best fucking friend. “I know.”

“
You don’t though…” Noah said and sighed. “Maybe that’s what we fucked up all along. She was destroyed Shame, that fucker destroyed her. You destroy something there is no coming back, it’s ruined. Broken shit can be fixed and the only solace we could give her was a promise to keep it as quiet as we could.”

“
What was it…” I stopped before the question could come out of my mouth, knowing if I asked it and got the answer I would never be able to take it back… I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to know the answer.

Noah drilled his stare into me like blades of ice I felt in my chest.
“Do not ask it, don’t even think about it Shame. She sure as fuck can’t un-live that nightmare and we can’t un-know what we know. Be glad we bear the burden of it for you.”