Forgive Me (12 page)

No answer.

I looked at my watch, it was two in the afternoon, where the fuck did he go now? I took the keys from my pocket, keys I swiped form Cassa’s key ring knowing damn well I would break the fuck in if he didn’t agree to talk to me. I was…a natural if I do say so myself, at getting to the point. If it meant there was kicking and screaming then so be it.

I walked in and shut the door behind me before making my way down the hall. As I headed for the bathroom I heard someone, namely Shame playing a song I recognized but not one of ours. I knew it was Shame because it wasn
’t that awesome of playing. I was awesome…just saying.

I stood on the outside of his bedroom door and listened while he strummed his acoustic pausing when I heard his voice.

Shame’s voice was undeniable and easy to recognize. He had the voice of a tenor and us guys had asked numerous times for him to sing on an album. Of course he always said no claiming that Adam Levine did a fine job creating hits as a tenor so the world didn’t need another. Hearing him singing now, I would be sure to revisit and revise that subject when his emotions weren’t in an uproar.

The fucker could sing.

I knew by the lyrics alone and the pain in his voice that the moment was fragile and I was being an intrusive ass by listening but I just had to see him, had to see his face to know he was OK. Carrie and me didn’t have family accept for Seth and Lilly and it was strained anyway. We relied on each other our whole lives until we both were brought into the TAT world. Now seeing these guys hurting made me as crazy as Carrie or Candey hurting did. I couldn’t take it and wanted to fix it.

I couldn
’t fix this shit though. This was time and only time.

So I would wait here, let him work it out but I sure as fuck wasn
’t leaving either. Shame was so closed off emotionally that knowing he was dying inside right now, man I couldn’t leave him hanging. I came around the corner and saw that his back was to me, the black acoustic in his lap. He wore a black bandana on his head and looked like the boy who was pumped about bringing me in for base so many years ago.

I watched his back tighten and release with each strum, the thermal shirt he wore beneath his
Ramones
T shirt shifting slightly. I watched his hands as they shifted, his fingers dancing over the strings letting the tune take him over, something I understood perfectly. He sang the words with conviction, his voice attaching and adapting perfectly, filled with sorrow and anger, he strummed as the melody played for his pain.

It had been so long since I had seen him play I forgot how good he was. He was way better at the drums,
gifted
with the drums, but the guitar was made to work through a mood. The song was so fitting to him. How Jerry would have loved this sound, to see this talent so raw and open. Fuck, I had to fight back the tears, Shame was making me a pussy right now. Each verse was like a dagger to the chest. His pain was so deep, his father gone so the boy sings to kill the pain. It was beautiful and something I could never understand. I hated my fucking dad. I knew he was singing for Jerry though.

Disarm you with a smile,

Leave you like you left me here,

To wither in denial

The bitterness of one who's left alone

His voice roared in pain as he went into the chorus; his hand coming off the arm of the guitar to wipe at his face. Were they tears he was shedding? The chords cried from the guitar as he belted the lyrics as if they were his life force, keeping him alive he went on through his anguish.

I used to be a little boy

So old in my shoes

What I choose is my voice

What
’s a boy supposed to do

The killer in me is the Killer in you

My love

I'll send this smile over to you

I watched and listened not fearing my presence being known. I wanted him to see me and ask me to stay. Shame was alone and it was clear as day he felt it. Fuck I wasn
’t big on guilt but I was feeling it now. We had all fucked his world up at the worst possible time of his life.

I watched as he pinched and slid on the keys as the song came to an end. I looked at his room it was the same as when he lived there. The posters and concert tickets covering the walls, and in the corner where he left them were all the pictures of him and Cassa. He stopped playing and I tried to back out of the doorway but the floor creaked and Shamus spun.

Busted
.

"Hey man.” I said and felt like a complete dick. I saw his eyes were red and his cheeks flushed. It was from tears. I didn’t want to make the moment worse so without another word I turned to leave. I was dead wrong for staying and felt like a complete fucker.

"Wait." he said his voice cracking. He shifted on the bed and set the guitar down, leaning it against the wall.

"I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I rang the bell and knocked and didn’t think you were home." I stepped into the room and stood at the foot of the bed.

He didn
’t speak only cleared his voice and looked away from me, the tears not stopping. He hated that I was seeing him this way but he couldn’t bear it alone and I got that now. He sat legs over the side of the bed, body hunched and shed tears for the old man.

I walked to the side of the bed and sat beside him. The moment I placed my hand on his back, a soothing gesture, he stiffened and turned to face me. His grey eyes were scorching, rimmed in red and glistening from tears.
“Sorry man.” He said his voice hitching slightly.

“
Don’t be sorry bro. I get it and we’re cool.” I said, squeezing his shoulder. “Never be sorry, this is understandable.”

“
Singing…” he paused to lift the guitar back into his lap. “And playing its how I deal with things like this.” He strummed a few cords on the guitar before setting it back down. “Fuck Noah, this sucks.” He said his voice thick with pain and I could see him fighting to reason with a pain that had a hold on him.

“
I can see that bro.” I asked no questions because I had no words to comfort him with and I didn’t know if it would matter anyway.

*

Shamus

“
I need a beer.” I say and stand leaving my room. Noah was a rock that guy. He didn’t make a big deal about what he saw from me, just hung out and let me deal. It’s what I needed. I needed to remember that we were boys for a reason. Our success was built on trust and loyalty, two things that were like air and water to Noah.

“
And a tampon.” Noah said with a smile and I appreciated the joke at my expense.

“
Fuck you.” I say and grab two beers from my fridge. Dad kept the place stocked that was for sure.

“
Ha, you wish.” He says and takes the beer from my hand and pulls me in for one of those awkward man hugs that all dudes need from time to time but we wont admit it. That man hug said, “dude I'm sorry for being a dick.”

My return of the hug said,
“Yeah douche I feel you.”

“
So other than my breakdown what brings you by?” I take a seat on the couch and look anywhere but at Noah.

“
You know why jackass. Don’t play stupid.”

See.

“
Yeah I figure we drop it and we’re cool. I’m pissed for sure but I’ll get over it.” I swig from my beer and lean back grabbing the remote but Noah wasn’t having it.

“
Will you really?” He asks and leans forward swiping the remote before I could get the TV on. “Will you really be able to get over it without knowing our side?”

I scoff at the caring tone. Maybe its because of the emotional display before but whatever it is I need to be cool here.
“I have no choice Noah. I left everyone I loved behind and they fell apart without me. Cassa almost died but fuck man, my dad did die. I sacrificed everything to be where I am today so yeah, not about to throw it all away now.”

Apparently that sounded way bad because Noah went from cool to pissed.
“So what, we’re good enough to be forgiven because God forbid your career would take? It wouldn’t bro, your fucking good and maybe the best in the industry. You’d be fine without us so feel free to bale if that’s what you need, but do it like a man.”

“
Well explain it away then because it’s sketchy dude. Way sketchy.” All the anger back up to the surface I waited.

“
Gladly.” He said with a smirk and leaned back, crossing his ankle over his knee and drinking his beer. “We were the greedy fools Shame. We kept her secrets sure, but we weren’t as fucking loyal to Cass as you think. We didn’t want to lose you because we all knew you would be back here in the blink of an eye. We also knew that if you did stay, you would be half of the drummer as you are now because your mind would be here where your heart is.”

I roughly slapped my beer down on the table and leaned forward.
“And you think it won’t be that way now? I could have separated work and home, fucking Chad and Carrie do it and have been since we started.”

Noah laughed a knowing dark laugh.
“Carrie and Chad are not and will never be you and Cass. Carrie is a fit throwing ball of crazy and Chad gets off on it and that works for them. You and Cass have a lifetime on those two. You don’t fight like they do because you know all the ticks about the other. You both know the easiest ways to hurt each other and the same goes for making the other feel like a million bucks.” He swigged from his beer again before looking at me. “What we did was for her and her frame of mind sure, but it was for everyone involved that we finally agreed and we did it kicking and screaming. If you chose to leave TAT behind and stay to fight for Cass I know you Shame and you will regret it. You need to find a happy medium that keeps you making music and Cassa waiting for you and supporting you.”

It was my turn to laugh. Noah didn
’t know about the brush off I got from Cassa today. There was no future for us.”Is that what you and Candey do? Find a happy medium?”

He seemed to think on it, but that was Noah. He thought hard before he said anything. A lifetime of watching your
‘P’s’ and ‘Q’s’ will do that. “Candey and me are similar to a life raft in the middle of a deserted sea. One minute I’m the raft and she’s the sea swallowing me whole…other times and more often than not she’s the life raft and I’m the sea. We make as much sense as a chimp and a duck dude but it’s what gets us both off. Turmoil anger and lust shared between kindred souls is okay.” The way he could sale that and make it sound like something beautiful was amazing.

“
Think about marrying her one day?” I ask and I have no idea how the conversation changed but I was curious if Noah could ever bend that much.

Again he was silent but I could see him lost in thought.
“I don’t know about marriage. I see the happy ones the lucky ones like Mike and Ron or my aunt and uncle and I think Carrie and Chad will be like that. But then I think of the ugly side too. My mom hated my dad, she despised him and I know it was coming soon that she would bail. I had only hoped she would take me and Carrie with her when she did.”

This was a shock. Noah for one ever talked about his parents, let alone his mom. He and Carrie both spoke like they were Adam and Eve, parent-less and alone in the world.
“I didn’t know you remembered your mom much.”

He shrugged.
“I never tell anyone anything about her so zip it yeah?”

I nod because I'm not Mike and gossip is like a root canal.
“duh.”

“
I never told Carrie how mom hated him. I figured she had been through enough shit her life that she didn’t need a whole new reason to hate the almighty. She doesn’t need to question if mom hadn’t died would we have been safe? Would our lives be different? That shit eats at people and it would destroy Carrie.”

“
What about you does it eat at you?”

He shakes his head no and drinks from his beer.
“No I’m a realist and see things at face value. She’s dead and there aint a fucking thing anyone can change so it’s about dealing.”

I nod but don
’t say more on it because Noah has clearly trotted enough down memory lane.

“
So what’s the decision? You fighting for her or bailing again?”

“
I’ll figure it out.” I say and stand to leave. “This house is too much. I miss home. I need to get out of here and the memories that plague me here. I’m headed to the house in Gig tonight but just want to be left alone.”

I didn
’t stay to wait on the reply as I swiped the keys to my dads truck off the counter. “Lock up yeah?” I ask and leave him behind. Leave it all behind. I hadn’t changed, I was still running away even if I was running home.

And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

Jose Gonzalez

Chapter Thirteen

Cassa

It was dark and I was on Mike and Ron’s shit list again but didn’t care. Noah showed up an hour ago telling me in private about his talk with Shame. When he told me that Shame was heading to Gig and wanted privacy…well I guess I didn’t really care.

Anything was an excuse to get away from Mikey and his lectures. The first free chance he had to attack he did.
“Why didn’t you go to the parole hearing Cassa?” After Noah had left everyone sort of scattered out the door with the exception of Mike and Ron. I was hoping in the heat of everything else that Mike would have forgotten. I wasn’t so lucky.

“
Because.” I knew he would hate my answer but it was all I was giving him tonight.

“
Do not because me Cassa Rae. I deserve to know why the victim, the one who has the most power couldn’t be bothered with showing up in order to keep her attacker in jail.”

I wanted to pull my hair out. I know he is concerned. I know everyone is, but I also know that I live and breathe that world day in and day out. I didn
’t want to see his face just after seeing Shame. “Because there is no point in going to them Mike. Good behavior or not my being scared and admitting that in front of a parole board is not gonna happen. Cory took enough from me, I won’t go beg to keep him away so I can sleep another night. If you can’t understand that then I can’t force you to see it.”

The argument only progressed until I finally stormed out of my own house and started driving. So many times after a fight with Cory I would drive and clear my mind, always heading to the same place.

Gig Harbor.

I knew Shame was there tonight and I knew that the Gig house held more memories of us than of his life with Jerry. He went to Gig to be closer to me. It may have been my emotions or the desperation that Shame always brought out in me, but either way it was what I believed and that was where I was going. He had been back less than two days and already I was jonsing for him. Visions of him inside of me last night flashed through my mind. I was a fool to run head first into the arms
… or the wall… of the one man who could break me, but I am and will forever be a masochist.

I liked the pain that was Shame. It was like an addiction pining for him and right now in this moment I know he wouldn
’t turn me away. He would welcome me, comfort me and take it all away. I was selfish seeking his comfort. He lost his father and here I was crying over things I couldn’t change. I didn’t deserve Shame tonight. He was raw and hurting and I knew that in that state he would welcome me.

By the time I came to the driveway of Shames house my nerves had kicked in. Part of me wanted to run, drive back home and get shitty drunk until I fell asleep. The other was to beat the door down begging him to bring me back to life again.

I was parked along the curb trying to figure out which insane side of my brain would win, the front door opened and in the doorway stood a shirtless Shamus in jeans and bare feet. It was freezing out and him without a shirt meant he was inside working. I started to question if I should just leave and not interrupt when Shame smiled the sexiest smirk and curled his finger at me telling me to ‘come here.’

The decision was made.

*

Cassa

I wondered if I should leave. I had walked through the door when Shame pulled me close kissing me until I was out of breath. Once we came up for air, we said nothing but just looked at one another. We didn’t need words right then, we both knew the way the night would end.

Shame curled his fingers in mine and used his bare foot to close the door behind us and we walked hand in hand down the hall to his room. He leaned back on the bed sitting back against his pillows.
He said nothing for a few minutes just looked at his hand in mine and rubbed his thumb over the soft skin on the top of my hand. I wanted to take his pain away just as bad as I wanted him to take mine away but I didn’t know how to say it. I looked at him seeing that he was looking right back at me with the same question in his eye. This was proof that we were still us. No words. No promises. Nothing more than us alone with a million possibilities. It was so quiet and nothing but the sound of our breathing and the rain outside beating on the windows. It was the most relaxed I had been since the night he left me.

It was in that moment I knew we still had the fire in us. I knew the spark would always be there, but our fire hadn
’t gone out. This moment of silence that spoke louder than any words proved that.

A rush of heat came over me, a need to be with him, under him with sweat and tears and passion unbridled.

Shamus must have felt it to because his eyes went dark, flooded with the passion I was feeling. Is this how I could comfort him too, with my body? Shamus made no attempt to fondle or touch me, just silence, deafening silence and a need so strong it had a Richter rating.

Now or never was all I thought, scared to death that I was misreading the signals and he would deny me when in truth I could see it plain as day, as if he had just admitted it to me. I felt it, between us and in the air I could taste the eroticism and knew he would answer my need with his own.

I stood from the bed and faced Shamus. This was all I had to offer him, my way of proving I was here for whatever he would offer. It wasn’t just sex, it was just Shamus. I needed him and couldn’t deny it. I could show him my pain without saying a word. He would see my sorrow, my suffering but most important, he would see my survival. I wanted this just as much as I needed it. I looked at him not breaking concentration and took my jacket off, then my hooded sweatshirt. Shamus caught on quick when he watched as I freed my breasts from the satin and lace confines. Next were my jeans and panties. I was before him, naked and exposed showing him all of me in the most expressive way I could. This moment was louder than words ever would be. I was doing what I feared most. I was letting Shamus back in.

*

Shamus

I watched while Cassa slowly undressed before me, letting me see what she had been hiding all along. I didn’t know what she was proving but I knew it was huge and just seeing her soft skin now covered in ink it undid me. Her body was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, she was devastating to look at; even as she tried to hide her scars. She was unaware and utterly clueless that, to me, she was flawless. I watched as the satin panties fell to the floor and did what came natural, I went for my belt. My cock was hard and burning, burning to be deep inside of this woman before me. I reached beneath my boxers and stroked pumping once, twice unable to breathe as I watched her crawl up the bed and reach for me.

That image of her before me will be burned into my brain and I hope like fuck it’s what I see before I die. I swore she could never be more perfect than seeing her outside debating to come to me or not. She had been biting her lower lip, both hands on the wheel and her curly hair was
everywhere like a mad mess the rain had attacked. She was so beautiful but seeing her now, before me like an offering from heaven, she was breathtaking.

She laced her fingers around my cock, admiring the wet drop on the tip as she rubbed her thumb over and around the blunt fat head of me. Then she bent her head and took me in to her mouth where my brain fried out. She rubbed me over her tongue and deep into her throat, and then slowly sucked her way back up to the tip, lingering at the head where another drop danced over her tongue. She found
her rhythm, the rhythm that I had taught her how to touch me . All these years and she still knew what I liked.

In deep wet strokes she bobbed her head and she stayed on all fours with her ass in the air. She used her hands to pull my pants open more and then over my ass, taking my boxers with them. She removed her mouth from my cock long enough to strip me fully, but my mind was on auto pilot. I was scared to move because anything could break this moment. I sat forward to pull my shirt over my head when her fingers were clawing at the hem of my shirt. Without a doubt she wanted me naked. When Sass came back to find her place at my cock I leaned back and tangled my fingers in the back of her hair, guiding her back to more than just my dick, but to my heart, to every memory of us together here
…speaking without words.

Cassa moaned at the feel of me guiding her. I knew that moan and it sent chills through my body. I loved guiding her, directing her against me. I loved the feel of the pressure each movement each tug making it impossible for her to move away. I couldn’t hold back from my hips pushing me into her hot mouth.

I was so close I wanted to rupture and shoot down her throat, the image taking me there immediately. My thrusts got faster as did my breathing when I pulled back from her mouth and clamped down on the vein controlling my cock.

“
I can’t Cassa, I’m gonna blow baby.” I watched her reach for my hand and pull it free. “Cassa, I can’t-“

The words were lost when she took me back into her mouth with a vengeance. She reached for my hand and tangled it back in her hair, making the pulse thicken and my balls grow tight. She pumped me with her hand and pulled back keeping her eyes locked on mine. “I want to Shame.” She said simply and shifted so she was to the side and swallowed what she could of me.

I felt the orgasm come on like a storm, rolling in slowly then finally erupting in madness. I wanted to be inside of her marking her, but my conscience had me shifting and pulling back from her mouth where I exploded against my stomach. Little streaks of pearly white clashing against my tan and inked skin. I saw Cass through the slits of my eyes, confusion and pain on her face. Neither of us had said a word since she walked out of the studio and her words had been that she wanted to feel and taste me in her mouth. A sweet and selfless request from any woman, even sweeter from Cassa and I denied her.

Cassa dipped her finger on a drop of my semen her eyes never leaving mine. Like the silence between us this entire time I read her confusion clear. I looked away and kept my gaze on the ceiling, both my arms now folded beneath my head. I hated that I couldn’t connect us that way, God knew how hard it was to pull back, but I wasn’t the innocent lover I was two years ago.

Not wanting to break the moment with unanswered questions followed by silent answers, I rolled until she was beneath me. I crawled up her body before leaning back on my knees palming them open with my eyes still locked on hers. That split second of guilt had cost me more than I thought. When I was looking at the ceil
ing, I was
her focus and desire. I forgot that my Sassy was in there buried beneath some
fucktards
abuse. I was with Cassa Rae right now and I could see her insecurity even through her need.

I took her delicate hand in mine and brought her fingers to my lips, kissing each tip individually before linking our fingers and tracing the crease of her thigh. The small sigh that escaped her red lips made my stomach drop in excitement.

It was my turn to sigh next when she took the lead and guided our fingers closer to the slit of soft petal skin between her legs. This had been my heaven, my safe place for years and I walked away from it like a fucking idiot. I couldn’t help the hope blooming in my chest that maybe I still had that glimmer of hope that meant we had a shot.

Her fingers still linked with mine, parted her lips and then she was stroking against her core and I swear I saw God.
I let her set the pace, let her pull me along on this amazing ride where we rediscovered her body together. I placed my hand over hers and stroked at her clit, swollen and hard; puckered with need. I used my other hand and entered her with a finger then two. She was burning alive hot and wet.

I couldn
’t take it, she was killing me. The most soft and delicate place on her body and she was letting me in all while her eyes never left mine. I could see the need, see that it wasn’t enough. I knew that this was about testing our belief in one another, knowing what we both needed other than forgiveness and that was trust. She was trusting me to please her and take her to that place I knew fucking damn well only I could take her too.

It made me feel like a champ knowing I was that guy. She didn
’t tell me so, she didn’t have to. I see it every time I look at her, I feel it with every touch. I’m that fucking guy for her, the one.

It.

All.

Forever.

I would
not
it up this time.

I unlinked our hands and knew that for her to trust me I had to remind her of how deeply I could love her as well as I could fuck her. I skimmed down the end of the bed, hooking my hands around her hips and brought her to my face and breathed in the sight and smell of my girl.

And all control shattered.

The silence between us vanished and I lost the ability to be smooth and sweet. I had been so desperate and hell bent on showing her what we could have. Where my mind and heart were now is the true blue feelings I have for her. They are raw, they are vital and they are tearing me apart.

“
I'm gonna' eat your pussy Sass, and I'm raw right now. I get too rough you tell me agreed?” I watched her, seeing her face flushed and her body writhing against her fingers I knew she was lost to the passion I was. My voice was greed and want. I was hell bent serious on driving her to understand how far she had taken me.