Forgive Me (13 page)

“
Look at me Cassa.” I demanded. Her eyes were bright and beautiful when she met my stare understanding now how raw I really was. “You tell me if I go too far or too hard.”

Cassa moaned her excitement and need before she nodded yes. I fell to my knees and hiked her legs over my shoulders and then spread her for my taking. I nuzzled my face between her thighs, my mouth pressed tight into her as I licked and nibbled, touching every square inch of her pleasure that I could taste. “Your pussy is fucking heaven Cassa, nothing compares to the taste of you.” I poked my tongue deep and flexed as her wetness pooled on my tongue. “I can’t get enough of it.”

She gripped at my skull, her nails digging against me as she tried pulling me deeper and harder against her. She rolled her hips against my greedy tongue and I could feel her pulsing against me. She arched her back and cried out. “I’m gonna come Shame.”

It hit like a massive eruption, fucking
Mt. Reiner
have gone off and I wouldn’t have known. Cassa was panting and screaming ‘Oh God Shamus’ as I sucked and nibbled and bit at her thrashing pussy, She came back down, her body in the midst of the aftershocks to see me using my shirt to clean her up. It was erotic to watch her watching me, knowing what I was wiping away. I couldn’t tell you why that revved me up or why it even mattered… it just did.

I climbed into the bed next to Cassa. The rain had rolled in and now it was blasting against the window pain in a melody the musician in me could hear. I had Sassy tucked in tight against my chest. I looked down and kissed her softly. I was aching to fuck her, deep and hard and finish what we started. My balls throbbing I shifted to the side facing her in a desperate attempt to hide my once again hard, hard on.

“
Why are we laying here?” Cassa asked facing me so we now lay belly to belly and nose to nose. I stroked the curve of her hip with my fingertips, tracing the tree branches Noah had inked. I could feel the rippled skin and tried to black out images of her lying there bleeding…bleeding for loving me even after I had left.

She shivered maybe from the cold, or from my touch. It didn
’t matter but it gave me an excuse. Pulling her close and kissing her nose, I tucked the sheet tighter around us. “Because it’s cold outside.” I knew it was a lame answer but I wasn’t known for making excuses to get out of sex. Sex that would be life changing, earth shattering, soul stealing sex.

Cassa lifted the sheet and looked down at my cock as it nudged the space between hip and stomach. “Shamus, you’re hard and I’m wet. Why aren’t you inside of me?” She traced her hand over my chest until she reached my shoulder and gripped it, sliding her body against mine.

Fuck! I want her so bad…maybe if I pull out?….Fuuuuuuuck!

I cringed at the contact and my own inner turmoil. I wanted her, deep and hard. Animalistic. But I was fresh out of condoms and totally pissed off. So I would suffer in silence, a sweat breaking over my brow I groaned as her belly made contact with the head of my dick.

“
What’s wrong?” She asked her voice immediately accusing. She pulled back and pulled the sheet up to her chin. Shame and anger replacing the satisfied and loving beauty she was radiating only moments before. I could see her insecurities crash into our moment as her brain started looking for reasons that didn’t exist. Reasons that said she no longer matched up. Reasons that were bullshit. “Honest to God Shame what’s the deal?” She looked like any second tears would fall and that I would never cause again.

“
I am out of condoms Sassy.” I waited for her to sigh but she made no sound.

“
And?” she asked.

“
And I don’t want to go in not sheathed, it’s irresponsible.” I tried to smile and nudge her with my nose making light of the situation. It wasn’t my greatest moment. I watched as her face went from serious to hurt in a flash.

“
You can’t get me pregnant Shamus.” She whispered her voice frail. She rolled away from me and sat up, covering her perfect body from me with the sheet.

I rolled in tight to her body not giving her the time to run away from me. I should have thought of how she would perceive it. Of course she would take it that way.

Fuck me and my stupid mouth. "That’s not what I meant Sassy. I swear to God baby, I would never try and hurt you like that."
I pulled the hair back from her shoulder and placed a kiss against her neck. "I would never be that callused. It’s because I have a whole new sexual past now Sassy. There is a dark side to the music world and there have been more than my fare share of sex and there have been… a lot of women." I nuzzled in closer kissing her ear, completely prepared to head to
7-11
and get enough protection to last a lifetime.

"What type of experiences?' She asked, shifting and pressing against me. Fuck! Clearly I didn’t think the response through well either. I had to go with the truth because I had hurt her enough over the last two years that she deserved to know the truth of the scumbag I was. I knew I didn’t deserve her but I was stealing her heart back anyway.

"Enough women to fulfill me for a lifetime, but they were nowhere close to making me feel what you do." It was the biggest most shameful truth of my life.

"How long has it been for you, I mean since you were with someone else?"

Fuck it was like a car crash with dead bloody bodies. You knew damn well looking would fuck you up for life but you went and looked anyway. Answering this would taste bitter and nasty and I already regret the truth, but like before she deserved to know all of me, the new me since I walked away from her. I knew I was twisted, but if she wanted me then she deserved all of me. "The night I got here, with Brittany." I closed my eyes to big a pussy to see her face as I dropped that bomb. Hoping to soothe the slap from that confession I continued making myself sound even worse. "Before you get mad let me first say I told the truth so that’s a point in my favor and I didn’t even know if I was going to see you, I never did before when I came home, so that’s another point."

"I'm not mad Shamus, pussy is pussy to a man and I get that." Sure that’s what she said but inside she was ready to rip Brits hair from her head. I would damn well guarantee it.

I reached over her hip and rolled her until she was beneath me again and I could claim her mouth. That caused a whole bunch of rubbing and touching.

Not my best idea.

"I will go to the store right now Cassa, I will buy a lifetime supply, hell I will buy stock in fuckin
g Trojan.
never think that I wouldn’t be inside you right now had I been more careful with myself." I pressed against her selfish as it was, her skin against my cock was like a branding iron and contact was contact. I slipped my hand between her legs spreading her to feel her clit and she was as I left her, wet and ready. I couldn’t deny how bad I wished it was my come that had her soaked, wished like hell I could drench her pussy in me, mark her for life. Call me a dirty bastard but I don’t give a fuck. Any man in my position would be thinking the same damn thing. I’ll own being a dirty freak in the sheets any day. I admit it because she fucking loves it. "I will take care of you though, all night Sassy."

She stretched against me making me hiss and pull back. "Okay I am going to get condoms." I went to leave the bed when she clamped down on my hand between her thighs and tugged my arm.

"No Shame, don
’t go. I want this; I want you inside me naked."

Fuck!

What to do….what to do…

“
God baby, I want in you so bad.” I groaned and thrust against the soft skin against me.

“
Then take me Shame, I want your skin on my skin.”

Fuck!

“
Tell me you’re sure baby.” I was grinding against her, my fingers working her, feeling her slicken further. “Tell me you’re certain because I want inside, I want to feel how hot and slick you are.”

I felt her fluids drip from inside her and her moan of delight and torture had me shaking with need.
“Fuck baby, I need to feel you clamp down and flex on my dick as you come.”

“
I’m close already Shame, get in me please. I need to feel you come for me too.” She looked up at me, her passion filled eyes determined to make me see she was serious. “We need this Shame. We need this to reconnect once and for all.”

I didn
’t wait for a written invitation; I drew my hips back and…there she was. Wet. Hot. Slick and tight, fuck she was tight. I pressed into the hilt of her and lifted her leg over mine taking me to the full hilt inside of her. I couldn’t think, but only feel. I had never had Cassa or anyone bare before. Being in Sassy and feeling her wet heat surround me….it overwhelmed me.

"I have waited forever to be in you like this." I choked on my words. I had never in my life felt more connected to another soul as I did right then with Cassa.

This was home.

*

Cassa

I moaned at the invasion, from this position he was far deeper than I had ever imagined a man could be. I moaned as he started to thrust into me, his cock so hard and warm, his skin silky smooth. He was perfect above me, nothing at all like remembered him. Shamus was a man too busy blaming himself about leaving he refuses to see the side of forgiveness.

“
I have never… fuck Sassy…I’ve never felt this…so good baby.” I knew he was getting the point across but there was so much more to what he was saying. This was a first for him and it was me that received the gift. His life in the spotlight would forever rob him of moments like this if he would just open his eyes and see the gift he was giving me. I gave him my first time and I never regretted it. To Shamus, no condom was as virginal as he had ever been with me. This was my gift from him. “Fuck baby, I’m deep and your wet…I’m dying here Cassa.”

With every thrust I couldn
’t hold back. My nails down his back, my teeth digging into his bottom lip. He would just pull me tighter and press into me harder. He was reckless above me, completely beyond grasping his control but it was everything that making love with Shamus was, only this time it was more….nothing between us. Our secrets were laid bare as our bodies were now. The thought of being so complete with him sent me flying.

"Shame!" I cried out feeling my orgasm crest, just seconds from that shattering moment that would make my head spin.

"I have waited forever to feel you bare baby, I need to see your face when I fill you up." Shamus pushed inside of me and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His chest wet with sweat he pumped hard and fast rocking the bed against the wall. Shamus came back on his heels, grabbing me by my hips lifting me from the mattress and up over his thighs so I was straddling him.
“Come for me Sass.”

The position, his words and his mouth against my neck as he pressed me up tight so he was deep
…I did as he asked.

“
Fuck I feel you baby, every inch of me inside you, fucking you. Damn baby I feel you. Now, give me it Cassa, come baby.”

I screamed his name and cursed as I came, each of his thrusts shooting my orgasm to newer and greater heights. I was begging incoherently when he started praising me for how tight I got.

He lay me back down against the mattress and straitened one of my legs between his and the other he wrapped around his hip. He pushed in deep and held himself there when he looked down to me savoring the feel of his cock deep inside. I bit my lower lip as he came at my mouth devouring my tongue and lips as he thrust fast in short strides, his body tensed and then… "oh God Cassa." He erupted in a frenzy of emotion, his cock spilling inside of me, marking me.

Shamus draped his body over mine once we had our fill, both of us wet with sweat and sex; exhausted by the mind blowing sex that broke us both wide open and healed the hurt.

His breath was ragged as he nuzzled his face to my neck before moving his lips along my jaw and lips whispering faint as he went…"I’m still in love with you Cassa."

Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under

Florence + the Machine

Chapter Fourteen

Cassa

I stepped into the shower where Shamus was waiting. He stood before me naked, his body a blessed gift. He was lean and tall but so defined. I watched as he lathered the soap over his chest and then down down down…gloriously down. Lord the man had me ready to go again. He had officially ended my dry spell with last nights unbelievable sex. It wasn’t just sex though, that was more than anything we have ever shared before. The silence, then the pleading. God, the look in his eyes when he told me he was raw… I could see the rawness in him still. He had exposed everything to me last night…
confessed
everything. Jerry's wake was in a little over an hour and I had to get ready but I wouldn’t be brushing his late night confession under the rug. There could be no more secrets, even small ones, between Shame and I. He turned his body to the spray as the suds rinsed down the drain and once again I lost my train of thought while staring down every single bead of water lucky enough to touch him.

Unable to control the beast inside me that he had awoken, I sidled up close to his body, pressing my breasts into his back I reached around and clasped my hands on his stomach. I placed a gentle kiss between his shoulder blades before resting my cheek to his skin. Fuck he smelled good and the water on his skin tasted like ambrosia. Suddenly I had no fear, no rules I felt like we needed to follow. The Cassa that Shamus remembered would say what was on her mind. I am still that girl, I still want to say things I just stop myself out of fear. I had no fear right now though. This is Shamus and even though he left me, I know now for whatever reason he did it because he loved me.

Twisted I know, but he had yet to explain his reasons. He was dealing with enough right now and my need to know something else was jumping to the head of the
“I’ll ask Shame later” list.

"Love me ha?" I said knowing he would smile. I let my fingers tickle along the arch that I knew was above his belly button and waited for his reply.

"Yeah I always have though. I just realized that it needed to be said."

"Well I don’t think there is much speculation here but just in case, I love you too. I never stopped." I felt the need to explain myself to him. I was married for the longest year of my life and he deserved to know it was him I was trying to forget.

"I know it seems like I stopped loving you Shame but really I was trying to move on, I did the best I could have in my situation. I swear not a single day went by that I didn’t long to hear your voice or pray you would come save me. I knew the chances were next to impossible but it doesn’t change how I longed for you." He had turned to face me when I said I loved him and the
small sad smile on his lips told me everything I didn’t say he knew anyway. “I lost myself in the process of trying to hang on to you. What I went through…” I bit my lip and turned my face ashamed of what he would see in my eyes. His fingers grasped my wet chin as he lifted my face. I kept my eyes closed trying to keep my tears in. “Stop…” I whispered on a cry before I felt his lips drop a sweet kiss to each closed lid.

“
Look at me baby.” He whispered, his hand had been on my hip but was now stroking along the center of my back. “Please baby. Look at me,
see
me.”

When I looked up I saw that same chiseled jaw, the high cheekbones and cupids bow mouth. His eyes were dark and glazed over with emotion. “I won’t leave you again baby. I’ll never walk away from you again. There is nothing that you could ever do to make me leave. You can fight me and scream and yell, baby, you could hate me and I’m still never leaving you again. I don’t think you understand the gift you gave me showing up here. I know you crawled out of hell Cassa, on broken and bloody knees. I know I wasn’t here to keep that fate from finding you and that’s something I need to come to terms with. I will babe, in time. Right now though…” He trailed off when he pulled me in close pressing our chests together. His chin rested atop of my head where we stayed for a few precious seconds. He kissed the crown of my head and pulled back enough to look at me once again. “Right now I need you babe, to hold my hand and help me say goodbye to my dad.”

Tears rolled with abandon from my lids when he said those words. I loved Jerry deeply but no matter how much I loved him, he wasn’t my father. I buried my parents at a young age, my baby brother too and that pain is a dull knife that just keeps cutting with no closure in sight. Shame admitting to needing…anything emotionally was an enormous gift. One I had always cherished. “I’ll be right beside you as long as you need me to be.” I meant those words as if my hand were resting on the Holy Bible.

“
Forever baby. I’ll always need you Sassy.”

I didn’t want the moment to end, but the water was getting cooler by the second and we needed to get ready for the wake. Shame handed me the loofah and his body wash,
Axe,
of course and I rolled my eyes. “I need to shower in my girly stuff Shame. I am not going to your dads wake smelling like-“ I read the bottle and gave an even deeper eye roll- “Phoenix. Really?”

He shrugged and smiled his everyday cocky grin that made me weak.
“It smells good and it’s a deodorant too. I sweat a lot baby.”

I laughed and used a small amount to get clean. I watched as he squeezed a glob on his hand and scrubbed it over his barely there hair.

"What’s with the shaved do here Shame?" I had wondered why he shaved it so close to nothing was left.

"I'm a rock star baby, this is rock star hair." He said it with that damn wink that I hated because all the girls loved it… even though it brought me to my knees.

"That is still so crazy Shame. You are a rock star. You made your dream come true." I smiled.

"It’s definitely unbelievable. I still feel like I need to pinch myself sometimes." He turned the water off and stepped from the shower, before grabbing a towel and helping me out of the tub and bundling me against his chest. "I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of us.”

Us was the label and management team as well as the guys personal security and roadies. From what Chad and Noah had told me, TAT was now a big ass family of rockers.
“Candey talks non-stop about Drake.” I said referring to the guys head of security. Knowing he was bound by contract to give Shame any details he wanted or needed meant I hadn’t wanted to meet him.

“
Yeah we all know and it pisses Noah off. He tolerates Drake but Noah being Noah, he treats him like a bitch and refuses his services.” Shame put paste on his tooth brush and started brushing his teeth while digging in a drawer until he found a brand new brush and handed it to me. Spitting he looked at me, “Brush away baby.”

I didn’t want to know why he had extra new brushes hanging around but I assumed it was for his hometown visits with
fangirls
like Brit. “Get out of your head baby. I know what you’re thinking and your right, but the only tooth brushes in here from now on are ‘ours’. Capeche?”

I blushed like a complete dork. “Capeche.” I replied and started brushing my teeth. This felt normal and I really liked normal. “So when will I meet them all?” I asked through my own mouth of foam, biting back a smile at the normal joy most people experience daily.

"Tonight. They flew in this morning and are coming to the wake to pay their respects. They all knew him and respected him." A sadness crept back in behind his eyes that I caught before it flashed away as quickly as it came.

"Jerry would have liked that. He loved making new friends." I watched him nod along to my words but I don’t think he felt them. "So when do you go back?" I asked the inevitable question that I needed to know but also one that wouldn’t bring that lost look in his eyes.

"We find out tonight. Tayla our manager will have the PR dates tonight but most the trips are short and it only lasts about three months." He was immediately more comfortable as he turned and opened the medicine cabinet and took out his shaving kit. "Drew is my PR Rep and before we even leave he lines up all the appearances. Letterman, and this year he booked us for Ellen." He watched me through the mirror as I brushed my hair and the smile on his lips told me he liked normal too.

I however was completely
fangirling
at the thought of Shame hanging with Ellen. Wanting to play it cool and flip out about it at home in the privacy of my room and Candey and Carrie to scream with, I went on as if unfazed by the awesomeness of that.

"So how long do the tours go for?" I didn’t want to be a sour puss but after two years of no Shamus, I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet, I wanted time....more time to be his again. Time to be me again.

He caught the sadness when I spoke, I could see it in his eyes and the way he set his razor down and wiped his face off. He stepped behind me and slid his arms against my tummy. "Hey,” he whispered and nuzzled into my neck. “I will fly you to me when you’re free and I will be back here in between appearances." He held my gaze, both of us looking in the mirror.

"I just… I'm not ready to let you go yet." I choked on the words while trying to hold back my tears.

"Why don’t we wait until tonight and see what the dates are before we start missing each other okay?" He kissed my lips softly and cupped my cheek. “Besides he knows that Carrie is in wedding mode so none of the trips will be crazy long so Chad can be here to chill her out.” He laughed and I did too knowing Carrie was stressed to her max knowing the wedding was so soon.

I smiled and let him think I was comforted but I feared my happiness would be short lived.