Finding an Angel (2 page)

“We’ll leave and give you guys some privacy,” I hear a female voice I didn’t recognize. “I’m sure this needs your full attention for a little while.”

I can’t see the lady, but to hear her refer me to as a ‘this’, the tears I worked so hard to keep from coming fall in an asthmatic – crying so hard that I can’t breathe – rush.

“She’ll be fine by morning. If y’all are willing we can try again then?” Mama says to whoever is there.

“Of course,” but her voice is strained. She thinks I’m a weirdo too. She’s going to go home and laugh at me just like everyone else.

This time hurt more though because it seems like my parents really like these people. Maybe they were lonely? Did I make them lonely?

Yes, their lives are miserable because of you.

But soon, thankfully, the medicine takes over and I fall asleep. This time I am glad it makes me sleepy. When I sleep with this medicine, I don’t hear the bad people. It’s like they can’t get to me when Mommy gives it to me.

A week has gone by and those people didn’t come back over. It’s my fault too. Curious, I climb down from my tree fort that Daddy made me, I find Mom in the kitchen.

“Do you have friends?”

The question is out of my mouth just as I walk into the kitchen. She jumps slightly, but continues to make lunch. Her not answering my question, answers my question. Nodding my head, even though she can’t see me, I ask where Dad is.

“He’s out in the garage I think,” she says keeping her back to me.

Walking out of the back door, I head to the garage. Daddy is under the hood of yet another car. Sometimes I work with him because I like seeing how things work, but I don’t like how long it takes to get that black stuff off me.

“You’re always honest with me right, Daddy,” I ask the minute I walk up to the front of the car.

“Well, as much as I can be for your age. Why do you ask?”

“Do you and Mom have any friends?”

“Well, you see…”

“It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

Dad grabs a rag and wipes his hands on it before kneeling down in front of me. When he tips my head in his direction and takes my hands, I know he’s going to give me the ‘how I’m all they need’ speech.

“Do you get sad not having friends,” I question to cut him off before he tells me what he always does.

“Jessa…”

“I know Mommy does,” I stated firmly.

“Oh? How do you know that?”

“Because I just asked her that question and she didn’t answer me and wouldn’t look at me. What I want to know is if it’s because of me?”

Daddy sighs and drops his head and my head drops with his. It’s because of me. I can tell and he doesn’t have to tell me. When he looks up at me, I’m surprised by the anger I see there.

“It’s not because of you, Sweetpea. It’s because of them. They only see the moments you have, not the beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving, little girl behind them. That’s
their
fault
not
yours. Do you understand me?”

Nodding my head, but I don’t answer him in words. My parents are lonely because of me. No matter how Daddy wants to try and say it. They only have each other because of me.

“Thank you for telling me, Daddy. Can I go play?”

“Yes, just don’t go far. I think your Mom is making lunch,” he kisses my cheek and stands, going back to work on the car.

Leaving the garage, I stare at the house next door. Swallowing hard, I cling to Miss Molly before heading in that direction. Before long, I am standing on their front porch and I stare at their door. Remembering my parents, I take a deep breath and reach up and knock on the door.

The door opens a few moments later. Hunter stands there with almost a shocked look on his face. He recovers quickly.

“Jessa, right?”

Nodding my head, I take a couple steps back and sigh in relief.

“Can… Can I talk to your Mom and Dad?”

“Uh, sure. Want to come inside?” He asks, smiling kindly – I think.

“No. Here is good. Oh and thank you for bringing my doll back and the flowers,” I say quickly before my throat closes completely.

“No problem. I’ll get my parents,” he dashes off and leaves the door open.

A lot sooner than I am ready for both his parents and him are standing on the porch. Again, I step back a few steps to keep them out of my danger zone. Before I realize what’s happening, all the words come spilling out along with the tears of sadness I feel for my parents.

“Can you please be friends with my parents? I know I’m weird and scary and a freak and whatever else you want to call me. I’ll stay away whenever you want to come over. They don’t have any friends and I know it’s because they have a monster for a daughter. Please. They are great people. I’m the monster, the freak. Don’t hate them because of me. Please,” I sob.

“Jessa,” Hunter’s mom starts.

“Please. See, I have Miss Molly, here, and them, but they don’t have anyone. I’m okay with no one liking me… well, most days… Okay Mama says never to lie, it hurts that no one likes me, but my parents have done nothing wrong and are normal. They deserve to have moments where they can forget about me and see a life that could have been had I not been born. That’s… That’s all I came here to say…” I sob again before turning and running back to the house.

Daddy didn’t hear me run past. I yell in the door that I’m not hungry. It wasn’t unusual for me to not eat. If I miss more than one meal, though, Mama takes me to the doctor, so I have to eat dinner. Once I hear her say okay, I run to my tree fort and hide away from everyone.

After a few moments, I hear voices. My heart races. Was it the bad people? Then I hear my dad.

“Beth, can you come out here please?”

“I’ve got your lunch,” I hear Mama say. “Jessa said she wasn’t hungry… Oh, hello. What a pleasant surprise.”

“Your daughter is very brave,” Hunter’s Dad says.

“What do you mean?” My parents say in unison.

They tell them all about what I went over there and said and did.

“Jessa,” Mama cries. “Come here please.”

Sighing, I told them I’d stay hidden. Already I’m breaking my promise. They’re going to leave if I come down.

“I can’t,” I answer.

“Why not,” Mama questions.

“Because I said I’d stay hidden. You said never to break your promises. You guys have friends now. I’ll try to stop ruining it for you,” my voice cracks.

“Is that why you didn’t want lunch?”

“Yes,” I answer honestly.

“Can I send up lunch to you?”

“Yes,” I say quietly. “Mama, Daddy?”

“What Sweetpea?” Daddy answers for both of them.

“I love you and I’m so very sorry.”

When they don’t answer back, I know that they are going to address it later when we are not in company, errr well they aren’t in company. Next thing I know, I hear the creaking of the ladder as its being climbed.

Hunter’s head pops through the hole in the floor. Immediately, I scoot all the way into the far corner of the fort. He pushes the plate toward me and then enters, but sits on the opposite side as me as far from me as he can get.

“I’m sorry I scared you last time,” Hunter says again.

“Not your fault,” I mumble as I lean forward and take the plate. “You can’t help that I’m a freak.”

“I wish you’d stop saying that about yourself. I like you,” he blushes.

My mouth falls open. “You’ve seen what I’m like. Look how far you have to sit away from me because I can’t breathe when anyone’s too close. How can you like me? You’re supposed to make fun of me, hurt me, laugh at me.”

“I’m not doing any of that. So, if that’s what you’re looking for then I guess I better go,” he says firmly.

“You’re… You’re not?”

“Nope, but I would like to get to know you better. Maybe we can be friends too. I don’t have any yet since it’s summer time and we are out in the country.”

Taking a bite of my sandwich, I chew slowly. Could he be telling me the truth? Could he really want to be my friend? Could I have someone else I can talk to?

“I’d like to try that,” I mumble.

He grins. “Okay, friend, call me Drew. Hunter is only used when I’m in trouble,” he laughs and I can’t help but smile.

Wow, I might have a friend. My smile grows bigger.

“Okay, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to scare or hurt you,” Drew starts.

We’ve been spending every day together since I agreed to try and be his friend. It’s not been easy because the bad people keep telling me he’s lying to me. Most days I can ignore them, but some days they make me cry. I like being around Drew. It’s not so sad when he’s around me.

“You can ask,” I say unsure of where he’s going with this.

“How close is too close? I don’t want to get in your safe space you told me about, but I just don’t know where that is.”

“Hold your arms straight out to your sides,” I instruct and he does. I do the same. “This is how far I need you away to be able to breathe easier. The bigger or older you are the further you need to be away from me.”

He frowns. “So you’ll push me further and further away?”

I shrug because really I don’t know. Every day though, he respected my boundaries and helps me pick flowers and we play all the time. He hasn’t called me a mean name or laughed at me. Though he has told me that he’s sad for me because of what others have done to me. That made me realize… he is different. He is my only friend… my best friend.

Present time…

Here I stand with almost twenty years having gone past since I met the incredible Jessa Rawlins. Twenty-Seven years old now and everything still plays before my eyes as if it’s just happening. Our life together came down to moments, memories, tests, but most of all friendship and a love you can’t find but once in your life. Being with Jessa, well, at times it tested my will power, my patience, but most of all my heart. Though, I spent many years ‘saving’ her, she saved me. Moving to this house when I was seven brought me a woman that I couldn’t stand to be without.

Twenty years, I shake my head at the amount of time. Twenty years seems like a long time, but when it’s meant with the time you spend with someone you love… It’s not long at all. It’s almost as if I’ve blinked and I stand in the very spot that I first met the woman of my dreams. The woman that changed me. The woman that will forever hold my heart.

Sadly, she is also the woman that fights an invisible battle. As the man that loves her completely, I can’t fight for her or with the invisible problem that was tearing her apart. All I can do is pray with her, hold her hand when she needs me to, or help her forget when the opportunity arises.

For so many years, even as a young kid only seeing her as my best friend, I constantly asked how I could help fight what I can’t see. The only answer I was ever given was to just be there for her because I was special to her if she let me in.

Smiling, I look off in the distance and remember the day she let me in just a little more.

Ten years old…

“Jessa? You out here,” I hear her giggle as I call for her.

“No,” she says, followed quickly by, “Dang it!”

She sits up and her beautiful light brown hair falls around her shoulders. The longer I know her the more I realize that she’s a living angel. We’ve been friends now for three years and every day I come home from school, I come right over here. Honestly, I just look forward to spending time with her.

It’s like looking through a kaleidoscope and seeing all the beautiful colors. No matter how many times you turn it, it looks different. That’s what she did for me. There was light in my life when she is around.

Basically becoming an only child after my older brother fights overseas for our country and he’s gone more than he’s home, she gives me a reason to laugh again. To smile. She finds such pleasures in the small things that I have taken advantage of for so many years.

“You always find me,” she pouts and looks so cute doing it.

I’m a ten year old boy. I may not fully understand what is going on, but I notice girls. Well, I notice Jessa at least. Every day she gets prettier and prettier. When I talk to my brother on the phone, he teases me about her and I turn red and yell at him. Dad says it’s normal and it’s nothing to feel embarrassed about. But with Jessa… Mentally, I shake my head. Jessa is definitely different.

Chuckling, I sit my safe space away from her. “Only because you answer me. I can’t see you when I walk up. So you are a good hider,” I grin at her as she smiles.

She looks down at her hands. “Can you play today?”

“Until Mom calls me for supper. Then I have to do my homework,” I point my finger into my mouth and make a gagging noise. This earns me another one of her rare and beautiful, almost music like, giggles.

“What’s it like going to school and…” her voice trails off.

“And what,” I ask, but my stomach did flips at the thought of her answer.

“You know,” she says as she pulls some grass next to her.

It is in her voice. I can hear them – the negative thoughts about herself, but yet at the same time, I want an answer too. So, selfish as I may be, I push forward.

“No, I don’t know that’s why I’m asking,” I say gently, hoping and praying she won’t get angry with me.

Her head snaps up at me as she glares through the tears that shimmer in her eyes. “To go there and be normal. Not like me. Not a moron, a retard, a…”

“Stop!” I yell before I can stop myself.

Jessa jumps and a tear slips down her cheek. “You hate me too, don’t you?”

“No! I hate hearing you talk about yourself like that. It hurts me to hear you think so little of yourself. You’re none of those awful things you are saying,” I end softer.

“I hurt you,” she asks as she takes a deep breath.

Shaking my head, I try to find the right words for her to understand. She is super smart, but when it comes to things about herself she only sees the negative. It makes me want to hurt everyone that has made her this way. She’s incredible and deserves to know it.

“You’re my best friend, Jessa. When you say things like that about yourself… I don’t like it. Knowing that people have told you that makes me hurt for you.
You
don’t hurt me.
You
make me smile and enjoy the day when I used to just put on a pair of headphones and ignore it all. There’s no way you’d ever hurt me, unless you made me leave.”

“You’re my best friend too,” she says. “Well, you’re my only friend,” she admits.

“Then no more bad talk about my best friend, okay?”

Smiling, she nods her head. “Do you know what you’re friendship means to me?”

“Will you tell me?” I ask without directly answering the question.

What she does next shocks me so much that I lose my breath. She moves over and cups my face in her hands. All I can do is stare at her. Honestly, I’m afraid to breathe. Afraid that if I do, she’ll move away and I get a warming feeling from her touch that calms the anger that has been boiling since she started talking bad about herself.

“You’re good and there are so many bad people out there. When you spend time with me, I don’t see them or hear them. It’s just me and you. You are my savior and best friend,” she smiles big, presses a kiss to my cheek and moves away from me quickly to her safe distance.

“You… You touched me,” is all I can stammer out as I stare at her.

“Was that wrong?” Her eyes immediately going wide.

“No,” I answer quickly. “But you never get that close to other people outside your parents.”

She shrugs her shoulders, as if it wasn’t a huge step for her. “It felt right for that moment. Please don’t get too close without…”

“You don’t have to finish that. I’d never do anything to scare you.”

Ten years old…

“I know this stuff already Mama,” shoving angrily at the books that lay before me.

“Show me you know then,” Mom challenges me.

“What do you mean?”

“If you take this test and pass it, you don’t have to do this course and I’ll move you up… again and try something more challenging to you. Do we have a deal?”

Looking down at the Math that lay out before me that is so easy for me it makes me feel stupid for having to do it. Maybe I am stupid and this really wasn’t easy and all my answers were all wrong not right. Looking back up at the several paged test that she still holds in her hand, I could do it. That’s what Hunter would tell me.

“Okay fine. Deal.”

The front cover of the test says that it may take several hours to complete. My first thought is that Mom tricked me, but as I open the test and Mom removes all the school books and papers, I’m done before she even has lunch prepared.

“Can I take a break now? Maybe play for a little bit,” I groan.

Mom nods her head with what looks to be shock in her eyes. “Y-yes, you can have an hour break then we have more homework to do okay?”

“Yes Ma’am,” I answer as I head upstairs to my room.

Looking around my room, I try to figure out what I want to do. My room wasn’t big, but it wasn’t small either. My bed is right in front of the door with a nightstand on both sides. Often times, I’d just run in my room and jump on my bed. If I’m lucky, I don’t get caught.

My walls had pin strips of pink on white. Pink flowered curtains hang around my window. In one corner, I have a book shelf and the other there was a closet door and not far from it a bathroom door.  Right in front of the door and alongside my bed is a rug with all my favorite flowers on it.

Directly to the left of the door, I have a dresser with pictures of my favorite people on there. There’s even a picture of Hunter on there. Smiling, I grab the picture. He was smiling at the camera for my mom. His eyes, they just shine with happiness. Frowning, I put the picture frame back and sit on my bed.

Pulling my knees up to my chest, I hug them tightly. Happiness is not something I’m ever meant to have. Yet, when I’m with Hunter, I
am
happy.

But for how long, retard?

The familiar snarl from the bad voice filters through my window. A chill runs down my spine.

Grabbing my pillow, I scream loudly into it. Looking back up at the picture of Hunter, he’s my only happiness. What if that, too, is only temporary? What if time with him is getting closer and closer to goodbye?

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch the time on the clock. Jumping off the bed, I run down the stairs.

“Mom, when Hunter comes looking for me can you tell him you
think
I went to my flowers,” I grin mischievously.

“Going to hide from him again,” Mom questions with a small smile on her face.

“Yup, and I’ll do it this time,” I hurry out the door. Running as fast as I can to the flowers and quickly positioning myself so he can’t see me, all the while I’m reminding myself not to make a noise.