Finding an Angel (9 page)

“Jessa, honey, you need to take a calming breath and count to ten please,” I hear my mother’s voice break through my panic.

Ten calming breaths later, I focus on the here and now and see my father kneeling in front of me and my mother at my side, but Hunter is gone.

“Where’s Hunter?”

“He felt bad for scaring you and said not to worry about Prom that you can all stay here…”

“Where is he?” My voice more panicked.

“He headed home. He’s not…”

Moving around my parents, I yell over my shoulder. “I’ve got to talk to him.”

They say nothing further and I’m crossing that barrier into unsafe territory, but Hunter is worth any risk. He’s worth everything to me. I’d do anything for him.

Knocking on the door a bit harder than I intend, I wait for him to answer. I’m a bit disheartened when Mrs. Sandean answers.

“Oh, uh, I need to speak to Hunter please, Ma’am,” I stumble through my words.

“He’s in his room dear,” she says with a soft smile on her face.

Instead of telling me she’d go get him, she directs me to his room. Swallowing hard, I take my first step into the Sandean’s house and start shaking.

“It’s okay dear. This is your home too. Hunter lives here and he loves you, which means this is your home too because you hold his heart,” she whispers softly keeping the much needed space between us.

Nodding my head, I swallow again. Hunter. I need to see Hunter and I’ll feel okay again. I’ll feel whole. Following her directions, I knock on his door.

“Come in,” he says, almost sounding sad and my heart breaks more.

Taking a deep breath, I open the door and enter his room. His eyes are closed and his head rests against a headboard. What really draws my attention is my paintings that hang around his room. He’s kept them all. My heart swells three times bigger than my body allows and I feel the ache of it as if it’s physically happening.

“Hunter,” my voice a soft whisper.

His head flies up and his eyes open wide. “You’re here, in my house. You crossed that line,” he says shocked.

Closing the door back, I walk further into the room. Before I can stop them tears fall down my cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Hunter. I let you down and now… now I hurt you because of…”

Hunter is off his bed and wrapping me in his arms. Sighing contently, this is where I love being. In his arms, held close to his chest where I can hear his heart beat steadily beneath my ear.

“You didn’t hurt me, Angel. I thought I hurt you,” he laughs. “We really are a pair aren’t we? Always afraid of hurting the other.”

Pulling back, I look up into his eyes. “Why are you afraid of hurting me?”

“I can’t lose you.” He walks me backwards, and then turns me around to face the mirrored closet doors. “You are so beautiful, Angel, you take my breath away. From the way your hair falls down around your face and just past your shoulders. I love running my hands through it,” he smiles. “Then your breathtaking ocean colored innocent eyes that tell me exactly how you feel when you’re feeling it. I wish you saw yourself the way I do. Just in your face alone, Angel, I trip over myself. I love you more than just with my heart, but with my eyes, hands, and soul,” he breathes before kissing my shoulder.

“Hunter, please stop. I can’t…” my words are cut short as a sob threatens to come out.

“You can’t what, Angel? Believe that I’d never lie to you. Believe that someone, that I, can love you as much as I do. Or is it that you do believe it, but you’re too scared to be let down as everyone else in your life have before me?”

“All of it,” I whisper.

“Have you listened to the song I told you to?”

Nodding my head, too afraid that if I use words the emotions that are clogging my throat right now will make me look like an idiot. He turns away from me and goes to his iPod dock and plays the song. The music fills the room as he walks back to me. My breath is stolen from my lungs as he pulls me into his arms, wraps my arms around his neck before pulling me tightly against him and burying his face in the curve of my shoulder. But not before he whispers softly in my ear.

“Dance with me my beautiful Angel.”

Slowly, our bodies begin to sway together to the song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it. Turning my face into the crook of his neck, I let my tears fall. Hunter holds me tighter to him, whispering in my ear that he loves me and kissing my temple.

Still even after two years, I don’t understand how someone like Hunter can love me the way he does. The woman that society hates, throws eggs at, tortures if I’m ever caught in public. How could someone so good, so kind, so caring truly love the retard that is scared to sleep because of the voices and the even more sinister figures that try to get me when I’m weakest. I don’t deserve him. I never have. At the same time, I can’t let him go. So maybe I am the bad person that everyone thinks I am. If I was good, I’d let him go and let him be with someone better for him. Someone who could love him without fear, be with him without worry, but most of all be whole and strong enough to stand by his side through whatever life throws in the path. I’m not that woman, but I’m selfish enough to hold on to him for a little longer and soak up enough of the love to carry with me for the rest of my life.

“Please stop crying, Jessa. It breaks me to pieces when you cry,” he whispers.

Before I realize I’m saying them, the words fall from my lips. “I’ll go to Prom with you.”

He pulls back suddenly. “You don’t have to go because you think that’s what I want, Jess. I just wanted to give you a memory, a moment, that you can look back and say…”

“It’s not because I feel I have to. I want to. I want to be normal if only for one night. I want to share that moment with you. But I need you to make me a promise,” I meet his gaze. “Please if things start getting bad… let me leave and you enjoy your Prom.”

“I promise that if things get bad,
we
will leave and have our own Prom down at our spot.”

Nodding my head, I agree. Hunter leads us over to his bed and we cuddle as we talk about dresses and what I can expect. Before I know it, I’m drifting off to sleep in the arms of the man that I love more than anything in this world.

When I feel her fall asleep against me, a smile spreads across my face. This has been one of the things I’ve longed for since she let me hold her the first time. For her to trust me enough to become completely vulnerable like this.

My mom knocks on my door as she opens it. Why she even bothers knocking is the million dollar question, when she’s just going to open the door anyway.

“You two are so beautiful together,” Mom whispers, sitting next to my legs on my bed.

She’d walked in when Jessa and I were dancing. I’ve never been more grateful for my parents’ trust in me because she shut the door and I got to continue dancing with her. Even though she was crying, it’s definitely a moment I’ll remember.

“Thank you, Mom. I love her so much. She said she’ll go to Prom with me and actually seems excited about the idea too.”

“That’s great baby. You need to wake her though. Her parents would like her to come home.”

The smile drops from my face so fast I’m surprised that the corners of my mouth didn’t stretch to the floor. Looking down at the living breathing angel in my arms, I look back up at my mom and she nods.

“What I wouldn’t give to wake with her in my arms,” I mumble. “Jessa,” I stroke her face tenderly and press a kiss to her forehead. “Angel, you need to wake up.”

She groans and burrows deeper into my embrace. “No, I’m just fine right here,” she mumbles in her sleep.

“Angel, wake up,” I say as I press a kiss to the end of her nose then each eye lid.

Slowly, she opens her eyes and meets mine. “I’m sorr…”

“You are not apologizing for this one, Angel. Never apologize for being in my arms. It’s right where I want you. Believe me, I didn’t want to wake you up. However, your Mom and Dad want you home,” I press a soft kiss to her lips, my mother’s presence long forgotten. “I love you, Angel.”

Wrapping her arms around my neck, she smiles so brightly up at me. “I love you more,” she breathes before pulling me down toward her soft and awaiting lips.

It’s then my mother chooses to make her presence known by clearing her throat. Groaning, I drop my forehead to hers. “Hold that thought beautiful. Let’s get you home.”

Present day…

The kiss goodnight that night had been very long and one of the best in our teenage lives. She didn’t want to go in and I didn’t want her to either. Something changed in her that day. Had I paid more attention to the signs from there on out that I might have predicted her future actions. But I hadn’t, I was just so in love with her that nothing registered with me other than that love.

Like I had told her that night in front of my mirrored closet doors – which I’d absolutely hated until that day – I love her with more than my heart. Every part of my body loves her. Every fiber in my being loves her. I didn’t think I could find that at such a young age, but I did and from that moment in front of the mirror – where I stood behind her, her head barely cresting my shoulders – my soul knew that she was my forever. No other girl would ever fill me up the way she did at that moment.

And it’s the truth, too. I was the legend football player in school. The cheerleaders wanted me, the girls considered nerds longed for me, but no one none of them even came close to the beauty and light that Jessa carried with her and didn’t even know it.

My smile returns as I remember our Prom night. She just blew me away that night. It also cemented to me how much I truly meant to her. That moment, that night, it changed my life forever. The truth is, the moment we moved in next door to Jessa, my life changed forever. But Prom…

Seventeen years old, Prom Night

“Dad!” I yell from my bedroom.

My hands are shaking so bad that I can’t even get my hand to button up my shirt. Without even asking Jessa, I know without a doubt she will be in pink. So I decided to jump off my normal color pattern and buy a pink vest with matching tie to be offset by my white dress shirt and my black dress pants and jacket. Sure most men don’t wear pink, but in my opinion, most men don’t have incredible women like Jessa.

“What do you need, boy,” I hear the laughter in his voice and it makes me narrow my eyes at him. “Sorry, I’ve just never seen you this worked up,” he doesn’t hide his laughter this time.

“It’s a huge night for Jessa. I don’t want to screw this up for her. She’s facing her fears head on for me, for us, and I want to make sure she feels it was worth it. Can you help me with my freaking tie,” I say throwing the damn thing at him.

His smiled does not falter. He walks over toward me like he’s got all the time in the world, still laughing.

“You know, I don’t like you very much right now,” I grumble.

“Wait until you have kids son. You’ll understand why I’m laughing then.”

“Why don’t you explain it to me,” I demand to help get my mind off my nerves.

“Not something that can easily be explained my boy. You’ll have to wait until you have kids and then you’ll be doing something similar to this and be calling me the next minute saying that you understand and whispering you love me,” his smile falters a bit this time.

“I do love you Pops. I’m just so nervous I’m going to screw this up.”

“Son, I’m not sure there’s anything you can do in her eyes to mess anything up. That woman is just as in love with you as you are with her. Hang on to that Hunter. Things aren’t going to be easy with Jessa, but I think you two are great for each other and together.”

After thanking him, I grab my jacket slip it on and stare at myself in the mirror. My unruly dark hair is slicked back, but not overly greasy looking. My eyes are wide and I know it’s from nerves. The nerves of letting her down in some way tonight. After saying a silent prayer, I walk down to my mom who was already crying the minute she saw me.

“You look so handsome,” she sniffs as she wipes tears.

“Thanks Mom, not just for saying that, but everything. Helping to make me into the man I am today. I love you.”

A sob escapes her as she hugs me tight. “I love you too.”

Mom wanting pictures of us together, her and Dad follow me over to Jessa’s. For the first time in all the years I’ve known her, I knock on the front door.

My heart is in my throat and it’s very hard to breath. Pulling my hair to the side with shaking hands, I clip the necklace that my mom gave me to wear. Standing there in nothing, but my fancy panties that I’ve never worn before even though other girls my age do and have been I’m sure. Rolling up my thigh highs on each leg, I stand there before my bathroom mirror.

Because of the dress a bought, I don’t need to wear a bra and that was a weird thing for me. With shaking hands, I put in the earrings that match the necklace and go perfectly with my dress. Next, I step into my beautiful light pink dress. At the top of the dress, diamonds – well, not really, but they looked like it anyway – lined around my breasts and all the way around to the back. The same thing appears around the waist. In between that, silver glittery lace covered over the light pink fabric around the bodice of the dress. From the waist line it flares out until it reaches the floor.

Mom made me walk around in it to make sure that everything would stay in place since there are no shoulder straps. The dress swished and floated at my feet like a real princess’s dress does.

Tears fill my eyes as I zip up the back of the dress and see myself for the first time all put together. My hair is partially pulled up from the sides with a few tendrils that have been curled framing my face. My natural wavy hair took care of the ‘flow’ effect in the back mom said. She also lightly did my make-up.

Mom walks in and helps me slip into my silver heeled shoes. These shoes took practice to walk in. But they make me tall enough that my dress will not drag on the floor, but make me look like I’m floating.

When we walk down stairs and my father’s mouth falls open, tears well up in my eyes.

“Now, don’t you cry young lady,” Mom’s cracked voice tries to scold. “You’ll mess up your make-up before Hunter even gets to see you.”

“You’re all grown up,” my father chokes out. “When did that happen?”

“I love you, Papa. I’m never too grown for you,” I try to smile and force the tears away.

A knocking on the door causes my throat to tighten and I have to bend over and remind myself to breath. He’s going to be with me. And he’ll protect me every step of the way.

I ran to the kitchen so I could walk out and surprise Hunter. A silly giggle builds in my throat as I stand hidden in the kitchen. I hear my mother gush about how handsome he looks, but when she asks, “How did you know she’d be wearing pink?” My heart rate increases and I walk out to the living room.

“Because he knows me like no one else does,” I force myself to say as my mouth goes dry at the sight of him.

Hunter’s mouth drops open and his eyes run up and down my body causing me to squirm. Nonchalantly, his father elbows him. Shaking his head, he walks toward me, the smile growing on his face.

“You look… Wow! I don’t even have words to describe how beautiful you are.”

“You…” I swallow and wet my dry lips. “You look incredible. I think pink is your color too,” I try to tease.

“Wow,” is all he says as he wraps his arms around me.

“No wait,” my mother calls out. “Before you mess up the make-up, we want some pictures please.”

After posing for so many pictures that I am still seeing spots in my eyes, our parents share a look. Looking up at Hunter with questioning eyes, he shrugs and kisses my forehead.

“Now Hunter,” my father starts. “This is my little girl. My only little girl, my only child and normally I trust her with no one.” He pauses and looks at me, smiling lovingly. “But you are a great guy and the way you look at her and protect her, I know the only other man I could trust her with is you.”

“The same can be said for you, my sweet Jessa,” Mr. Sandean says. “With you, I know that Hunter is the happiest he will ever be in that moment. Considering what we’ve lost, that’s saying a lot my dear.”

“So, because of this,” my Mom starts. “We will have a surprise for you tonight.”

“You’ll find it back in your special spot.” Mrs. Sandean says. “When you come home tonight, go back there and see it.”

“Now, you two have a Prom to attend. You’re going to knock everyone’s socks off,” my father tries to say in a firmer voice, but he can’t push that slight tremble out of his tone.

Hugging everyone goodbye, Hunter escorts me out to the awaiting limo and helps me into the back. Once he’s inside, we both sigh with relief at the same time. Laughing, he takes my hand in his and brings it to his lips.

“You are stunning. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through tonight without making a scene, but I will because tonight is our night, Jess. We deserve this moment of romance. I love you and can’t thank you enough for going tonight.”

“I’ll admit,” I swallow. “I’m scared, but I told myself that you’d never let anything happen to me. So whether it’s to your Prom or to a movie or whatever, it’s time that we do some ‘normal’ couple things, right?”

Smiling down at me, he brushes his knuckles down my cheek. “Only if that’s what
you
want, Angel.”

Nodding my head with a smile, I force the limited time we have left together out of my mind and kiss his cheek. “It is.”

Before I know it, we are pulling up and Hunter has exited the car to open my door. Working hard, I try to quell my nerves, but it’s harder than I thought it’d be. I’m about to come face to face with the very people that have made life so hard for me over the last decade.

The door opens and Hunter squats down and takes my face in his gentle, loving hands.

“We can leave at any point you don’t feel comfortable. Even if we’re just here for five minutes, I don’t care. Okay? I love you and my Prom is wherever we are together and I can dance with you all night long.”