Finding an Angel (12 page)

“Yes,” she states never taking her eyes from mine. “Is it what you want?”

“Hell yes it is,” I almost shout and Jessa starts laughing. “Let’s take it slow okay? If at any moment you need to stop, we will, no questions asked, okay?”

“Stop worrying about me so much,” she smacks me as she says it.

“I can’t. I love you,” I whisper as I lean down and take her in a soul searing, soul changing kiss.

Jessa moves her hands up higher, lifting my shirt higher and higher as she goes. Pulling apart, I remove my shirt before slowly removing hers. She lay there her chest bare to me and I can’t breathe.

“Oh God,” I sigh.

“Mmm hmm,” she hums.

Taking my time, even as my hands shake, I cherish every inch of her body. I worship every bit of bare skin especially her sensitive peaks that have her pulling at my hair whispering my name. Moving my hand slowly down, I push beneath her shorts to find her pantyless. A groan escapes as I push my hand in further to explore the uncharted territory.

With her own shaky hands, Jessa explores my bare chest and back just as I have done for her. But when she reaches for the waistband of my pants I have to stop her and look at her.

“Angel, this is the first time for me too. I don’t want it to end too fast. If you touch me there, right now, we may both be disappointed,” I say as heat fills my cheeks.

“I have done that to you?” The tone in her voice telling you exactly how shocked she is by that.

“Yes,” is all I say before my mouth covers her and I push my finger into her.

She groans and it almost sounds painful, but just as I’m about to pull back she arches into my hand. Now, I am a man. I’ve got my own hidden stash of porn mags and videos. But it was Hawk’s talks with me about women and how to please them that gave me the knowledge to know what to do next. Rubbing that sensitive spot with the heel of my hand, I push and pull my finger in and out, rubbing the top of her insides. Pushing in a second finger, she grips my biceps for a moment then her body relaxes. A few seconds later she moans loud and really starts lifting her hips. Breaking from her mouth, I use my other hand and pull her shorts down her legs and off as I watch the most beautiful sight take place before me. Jessa falling apart into ecstasy because of me.

When she comes back down, her face is beautifully flushed and she’s breathing heavy. Removing myself from her body, I step off the bed and walk over to my bag and pull out the box of condoms. Pulling out one, I drop my pants to my ankles. After very clumsily rolling on the condom, I crawl up her body my legs between hers.

“Hunter…” her voice breaks off, but I can hear the fear in it.

“I’ll go slow. Tell me to stop when you need to and I’ll push forward again when you’re ready. Okay?”

Swallowing hard, she nods her head. “Is it going to hurt as bad as some of the books I’ve read say it does? I mean you’re
a lot
bigger than what they show in them.”

“I don’t know. Hawk told me that one girl had told him that it just felt like a small pinch and another it hurt. I don’t want to hurt you, but it’ll only hurt this time. After that it’ll feel good any and every time we reconnect like this. Okay?”

“Slow?”

“Slow,” I repeat.

She widens her legs and I settle between hers. With one hand, I guide myself to her entrance. Taking a deep breath – and praying I don’t end this moment far too quickly – I push a little forward, just barely pushing inside. Jessa takes a deep breath and smiles.

Keeping my promise, I go slowly – inch by inch. When I reach her barrier, I lean over her, pressing my body against hers.

“Ready?”

She nods her head, but says nothing. Taking her lips with mine, I mentally take a deep breath and push the rest of the way inside. Jessa tenses and cries out into my mouth, digging her nails into my back. Staying as still as possible, I kiss her deeply.

The moment she tells me to move, again the strokes are slow, but the heat intense. She raises her hips in motion with my inward thrusts and I’ve never felt anything more incredible.

“I love you, Jessa. I love you so much,” I breathe.

“I… love… you… HUNTER,” she calls out my name and I feel her clamp down around me and that’s it, I’m gone.

All I can do is follow her over the edge and enjoy the most intense, loving, memorable moment of my life. Jessa is my forever and I’ll do anything for her. Many would say that it’s first love and everyone feels like that. This, what we share, isn’t that. I’m going to ask her to marry me – not before I get a ring and a job to help support us.

The night is full of many times of love making and each one feeling so much better than the last. It’s all because of Jessa. It’s all because of my Jessa, my Angel. So as we fall asleep for the first time in each other’s arms – knowing we get to stay there until we wake – a sense of peace like nothing else fills me and nothing will bring me down.

Present day…

Of course that next day our parents drilled us on how Prom went and even came right out and asked us if we had sex. We didn’t lie. Of course I wasn’t given a choice in the matter even if I wanted to because Jessa looked at her parents and said ‘yes and a lot’. Honestly, I couldn’t help laughing and even though her parents were shocked and mine too they laughed too.

That is one thing that you got from Jessa no matter what, the truth. If it popped into her head, it was coming out of her mouth. Her mom had told me once that it was part of her autism. She didn’t have a filter like most of us do and because of her issues in understanding feelings she never knew that sometimes she hurt people with her words. Honestly, though, that was one of the first things I loved about her.

However, the euphoric high that I had been on ended rather quickly when she told me that I needed to go to Berkley rather than stay and go to the community college where I planned on because I wanted to stay with her. After a huge blow up that lead to two weeks of her not talking to me, I gave in and sent in everything they needed and was set to go to in two weeks from then. She broke my heart more than just making me leave, but it was her letter that she sent with me with a song called
I Love You, Goodbye
by Celine Dion. I can still remember the letter as if I was looking at it right this moment.

To the only man I’ll ever love,

I want to start out by telling you how proud I am of you for reaching for your dreams,  just as you had me reach for mine. After a talk with your parents, I found out that you didn’t want to go to Berkley because you didn’t want to leave me. That is exactly why I urged you to go baby. I never want to be the reason you hold back from life. Especially since you are the reason I’m finally living mine.

Before you there was only pain. Before you there was only darkness. But
because of you
all of that has disappeared. All I see is you and the love I have for you bone and soul deep. You have always put me – us – before everything and I just couldn’t sit by and let you do it this time. And because we are such good friends, I know you can hear the silent ‘but’ in this letter from the very beginning. Here it is…

I can’t let you miss life by waiting on me for everything. Waiting on me has had its perks I will agree, but as the song says, I wish I could be the one that you deserve, but I can’t. You need someone that will be able to live without fear, hope without worry, and love you without bringing you down. Us being together – though as beautiful as it was – has kept you from so much that a normal teenager would have experienced. All I brought you were worries and nightmares.

I love you so much, Hunter, please don’t think I don’t. I always will, but you have a world out there at your fingertips. As much as I wish it could be different Hunter it never will for me and you know that. What kind of person would I be if I kept a hold on to you and our life consisted of my house, your house or our properties? A horrible person is what I’d be. I can’t take from you what I can’t have when you can
if you just let me go
.

So as you settle into your studies and you work toward your dream, I hope you smile and think of your friend back home and our memories we created. Most of all though, I hope you find a life of your own and as much as this pains me to say, I hope you find the love that is meant to be yours for all eternity. No matter what happens from this point forward, I want you to remember how much I love you and even if you may not think so this kills me to write.

You deserve so much more than I can give you or even hope to give you. You are and will always be my best friend. I’ll be here as a friend for the rest of my life. Even if it kills me, I’ll never hate you or be mad at you for finding what I can’t give you.

Carmela and Parker said they will come by when they have time, so know that I’m not alone. You gave me friends. There will be a gift arriving when you get to your dorm. If I timed it right, it should be there as you show up.

So for one final time, I love you, Hunter. This however is the end of the road for everything, but our friendship. It’s what’s best for you. I truly believe that.

Have a great time in college. Live a life that I know you truly want to live. But most of all Hunter, never ever give up on what you want and dream of. You will be the best architect out there of that I’m sure of it.

Your Best Friend (I hope)

Jessa

Turning around and heading back home was exactly what I had had planned until her gift arrived and I opened it up finding the most stunning painting I think she’s done to date. It was a close up of a couple from the shoulders down. The woman was cuddled into the man’s side with her hand on his chest. His hand covered hers while the other was wrapped around her shoulder, hugging her to him. All around them were the wild flowers that grew just beyond the creek. In the top left corner the words,
‘I love you with more than my heart, but with my eyes, hands, body and soul.’
In the bottom right corner was a signature ‘Angel’.

When my roommate came in and saw that hanging on the wall he looked at it for a long time then his eyes went wide. Apparently, Jessa has been selling her paintings and doing quite well at it. As her artist name, she chose Angel.

For days, I tried to reach her, but she wouldn’t take my calls. Her mom told me she said it was too soon. Just then a squeal breaks me from my memories.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Two very excited almost ten year olds come running up to me, both of them looking just like their mother.

“Are your brothers still sleeping?”

“Yup,” Carmen nods her head proudly.

“We are good big sisters,” Carmela states.

Smiling at my girls who look just like their mama that it kills me sometimes when I see them, I kneel down and hug them tightly to me. After a moment, I stand back up.

“So this is where you met Mommy?”

Nodding my head, I point to the window I first saw her from. “See that window right there?” They both nod. “She was watching me from that window right there.”

“We want to go see Nana and Papa please,” they beg together.

“Go ahead. Hey, remember…” I start.

“We know Daddy. We all still hurt,” Carmen says sadly causing my eyes to shimmer with tears.

Nodding my head, I watch as they run off and run up the back steps of the porch. Soon they disappear inside. Turning my head back to the land before me, my mind drifts back to when I found out she was pregnant with our girls.

Eighteen years old, Thanksgiving Break

Gripping the steering wheel tighter and tighter the closer I got to home. Jessa stopped accepting my phone calls, quit writing me and all so suddenly. My heart is in my throat. If anything happened to her, I’m not sure I’ll survive. As much as Jessa wanted me to, I’ve not moved on. In fact every woman that has come up to me, I’ve told them I have a girlfriend and am not interested.

Just because Jessa feels as though she’s holding me back doesn’t mean she actually is. In fact, she’s the reason I didn’t give up on everything when Hawk died. Just as I thought in bed with her on Prom night, I’m going to marry her. I have a ring now and I plan on asking her the minute I see her.

Instead of pulling into my drive, I pull into hers. Rushing to the back of the house, I see Mr. and Mrs. Rawlins on the porch like normal.

“Where’s Jessa? Is she okay?”

“She’s in the flowers…”

I didn’t hear the last of what Mr. Rawlins was saying because I run full pelt toward the flowers. And soon there she is facing away from me looking out over the flowers. My mind is a whirl of words, but the only things that make it from my mouth are words I want to say, but are not exactly how I mean to say them to her when I thought of this moment.

“I’m not moving on, Angel. You are it for me. You always have been. There’s no one else out there that can complete me the way you do. Please Jessa will you take me back, love me again, marry me? I’ll make you the best damn husband I can possibly be. When I finish college, we can buy our own place start a family the whole nine yards. I just need you in my life Jess. I can’t live without you. Marry me, please?”

Without turning around she says, “Why are you asking me to marry you?”

“Because you are my everything and I was already planning my proposal on Prom night. Without you, I’m nothing. But with you… Angel, there’s nothing I can’t see, feel, or do,” I answer as I step across the creek. “Jessa?”

It’s then she turns around and my heart stops. My eyes are frozen on her swollen belly. When I finally look into her eyes, she’s crying and I move quickly to pull her into my arms.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you giving up your life for me.”

“When will you understand that letting you go is the only time I’m giving up on my life?”

“But you…”

“There’s online schooling. There’s the community college. There are a lot of answers baby and options. I don’t want to live without you. I want you with me forever and always and we are already starting on the family,” I joke.

She laughs through her tears, and when she looks down she sees what’s in my hands. “Oh, my, Gosh!” Her hands fly to her mouth. “You got me a ring?”

“I told you Jessa. I love you. There’s no one else for me… Only you. Will you marry me? We’ll figure everything out together.”

Nodding her head, she breathes out, “Yes.”

Moving us over to our tree where we shared our first ‘real’ kiss, I lean back against it and pull her onto my lap. She snuggles right into me and I can’t help, but smile. My Angel is mine again. My heart skips a beat.

Needing her to laugh again, I make a joke. “It was the night before we said goodbye and I headed off to college not realizing you were breaking up with me, wasn’t it?”

She laughs, but then looks serious, “I think so. But I don’t get it. We used protection.”

I can’t help but to laugh, I am damn happy right now. Jessa said yes to me and I’m going to be a daddy. No better feeling in the world.

“I don’t see what’s so funny here.”

“Not funny. I’m just happy. Plus, Angel, we had one hell of a goodbye marathon and condoms are not completely fool proof.”

“I know,” she blushes. “I thought one of us was going to die that night.”

Again laughter spills out and I hug Jessa tighter to me. “I couldn’t picture a better way to go than making love to the woman that holds me heart, body and soul.”