Finding an Angel (8 page)

Jessa narrows her eyes at me. “I know what an erection is Hunter. I know what causes it. What I’m talking about is how I’m not ready for that step yet,” she says biting her lip.

“Neither am I. Today is the first day you let me hold you and kiss you, just to do it, not out of comfort. I can’t stop that from happening. It’ll happen again and again, I promise you. Every kiss or touch from you will do that to me. Angel, I’d never ask you to do something you’re not ready for. Contrary to many boys, I was raised better than that. When we do make love for the first time, I want it to be…” I couldn’t find words to finish the sentence.

“Everything,” she whispers.

Nodding my head, “Yes, Angel, everything.”

Tipping her head to the side, she gives me a small smile. “Why do you call me Angel?”

Smiling with her, I lean forward and press my lips against hers, but she pushes back breaking the kiss, forcing me to tell her.

“When we moved here, I was angry. I was lost. My brother left me to fight a battle I couldn’t see, but heard about all the time. We moved almost constantly because of my dad’s job. We’d barely settle long enough to make friends before we were on to the next place. So, I hated the world around me and everyone in it. But then I saw you through that window when we were only seven. I smiled my first smile with you, came out of my room and enjoyed life for the first time with you, fell in hopelessly in love with you… You’ve saved me then. And when the world closed in around me again when my brother died, you were there again to bring me out of the darkness again. You are
my
Angel, my girlfriend, my love. That’s why I call you Angel,” I end softly meeting her tear filled eyes.

“
I
did all that for
you
?”

“Yes and I have no doubt so much more too. You aren’t all those evil, hateful, hurtful, things that people say about you. But I know that for you, it’s so much easier to believe in the repetitious statements than hearing the truth, even when I know you can feel deep down how incredible you are.”

“Before I was homeschooled, a boy and girl tried to drown me in a toilet because I talked to myself. If the janitor hadn’t come in when he did, I think they would have. They said I was the devil.”

No matter how I worked hard to stop it, I can’t stop the tension that spread through my body.

“How old were you?”

Not that any age would make that okay, but it was the first thing to pop out of my mouth that wouldn’t have scared her.

“It was the beginning of first grade,” she stares at me intently. “Should I not have mentioned that?”

“I want you to tell me everything, Angel, but it hurts me that you were mistreated like that.”

“Mom and Dad pulled me from school right away when the teacher agreed that I had some serious mental problems and that she was not trained to teach retards. Been homeschooled ever since. For a few years after that – yes even after you showed up – they come by to remind me how much of a reject I am,” she frowns. “Do you get hurt at school for being… around me?”

Shaking my head, but it wasn’t the full truth so I wasn’t going to tell her any more than that. It was shaky there for a bit, but once Lyle returned to school and they saw the damage I caused, everyone kind of backed off rather quickly. Now, I’m what you could consider popular since I’m a sports man and I do a damn good job at anything I do.

“So you can lie to me,” she says narrowing her eyes.

“What?”

“So how bad is it at school?” She asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

Smiling, I go to kiss her again and she stops me with a hand to my chest.

“You get no more kisses or,” reaching behind her, she grabs my wrists, “touching me until you tell me the truth.”

Sighing, I smirk. “You learn quickly on how to bring me to my knees.”

She smiles triumphantly. “Now spill it,” she says with a serious face.

“It was pretty rough for a week or so afterward. Nothing I couldn’t handle though. When Lyle returned to school and the kids saw the damage I did to him, they were all scared of me. But then all the sports stuff started and I’m in the popular crowd now because I kick butt,” I roll my eyes.

She looks at me for a little while. “I’m sorry you had to go through that for even a moment because of me.”

“I’d do it over and over again because to me you are my world and no one touches or hurts you.”

“Did you want to hear two shocking things that happened since we saw you last?”

Smiling brightly at her, I fake pout right after. “If I can touch you and have one more kiss,” my grin back.

Replacing my arms around her, she leans forward and kisses me like I never thought she could or would do. It shocked me that I almost forgot the slow pace we are taking… almost.

“Whoa,” I say first this time.

“That one felt really good,” she shivers and rubs against me causing me to moan. She sits straight up, “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” I quickly state. “It felt good,” I feel my face heat.

“Oh,” and her face turns as red as mine.

Desperate for a change of subject, I bring back up the two amazing things that have happened since I saw her last.

“Oh, yeah,” she grins. “Turns out, I’m really smart and I’ve been taking college courses since I can remember. I’ve apparently met full credits for college and Mom let me enroll into an art school that will allow me to work from home.”

“That’s fantastic!” I kiss her soundly, frankly I can’t stop kissing her now that I can. “And here, I’m just getting ready to start my sophomore year of high school.”

“Promise me you’ll do your very best in school because I happen to know you want to be an architect.”

My mouth drops open. “How did you know that?”

“I’m not only a good listener, but I’m great at observing too. Will you promise me? I want you to find your happiness like you helped me find mine.”

Unable to do anything else, I promise her. “What’s the second thing?”

“Oh! Yeah, this one involves you.”

“Oh, now I’m really intrigued,” I chuckle.

“You helped me learn an emotion that I can recognize now. Love,” she ends on a whisper.

What else can I do but pull her lips to mine and kiss the life out of her.

Present day…

For two years – two
very
long years – we allowed our love to shine. We shared kisses and she even let me touch her breast once, but said it was too intense and made me stop. She was everything I’ve dreamed about and more. Those two years were not easy for us, but together we made it through.

Smiling to myself as another memory surfaces as I stare back in the direction of our place by the creek. Nothing, nothing at all, could have ever prepared me for that night. But there’s not a single moment, not a single part, that I’d take back or change.

Seventeen years old…

“Jessa,” I say as I walk up to the Rawlins’s back porch where they all sat.

“Hunter,” she exclaims and runs and jumps from the second step into my arms.

Immediately, I wrap my arms around her and hold her to me, burying my face in her neck. Her flowery scent immediately filling me and calming my nerves, but in a way only Jessa can sense, she pulls back looking at me with concern.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Honest, Angel,” I insist at her look of disbelief.

“Then why are you so quiet?”

“Because I want to ask you something and I’m not sure how you’ll react,” I tell her honestly.

“Just ask me. Mom and Dad do,” she shrugs.

My hands begin to shake as I set her down. Getting enough air in my lungs seems almost impossible. Here I’m on the verge of a panic attack and I’m the one that can handle being around people. Taking a deep breath, I force myself to ask.

“Will you go to Prom with me?”

Jessa freezes, stiff as a board in front of me. My eyes look up at Mr. and Mrs. Rawlins and silently plead with them for help. After a moment’s pause, they finally stand and come down the stairs to stand by Jess.

Her father kneels down before her, taking one of her hands in his. “Sweetpea, can you look at me?”

After asking two more times, Jessa finally looks at her father. “What has you scared by his question?”

It’s obvious to all of us there what is scaring the living daylights out of her, but one of her goals the doctors have her doing is vocalizing her feelings so she can connect them with what they actually are and understand what emotion is what.

Last year, Jessa had been very forthcoming about her diagnosis. She says that if I truly want to be with her I need to have all the information. That’s when I found out that she suffers from Manic Depressive with psychotic features severe, autism, anxiety, OCD, ODD, and a few other initial things. Individually, I know what each word means, but the words all together confuse me and I’m too scared to ask her what they mean and her think I’m finding her weird, so I let it drop.

Over time, I kept telling myself that I’ll look them up to understand what she’s facing. Then I’d sit down at my computer and stare at
Google
and feel like I’m invading her privacy and shut down my computer.

“I’m sorry Jess, I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just an important moment in a teenager’s life and I wanted you to share that with me, especially since you didn’t get yours. But I understand Angel. We can just hang out around here,” I rush to apologize.

“No, Hunter, don’t apologize. This is something she’s been working on in therapy too. Getting involved with the world again. You just have to understand that her…”

“I mean no disrespect here Sir, but I do understand perfectly well what she’s been through. But I also know how strong and incredibly brave she is. And I know if she’d agree her night would be the same as mine. No one else would even be there because when I’m with her no one else exists. At the same time, I do fully understand what a big step this is for her. If she doesn’t take it, it won’t make me love her any less. I just wanted her to have a magical night just like everyone else gets at our ages.”

Turning, I start to walk away, regretting eating up my insides for pushing her too far. The fear in her eyes and in the stiffness in her body will be forever ingrained in my head. When I decided to ask her, I thought it’d be a night that she could feel ‘normal’ as she always puts it. I’d decided to graduate at the end of Junior year and start college here at the community college. Even though, I’d been accepted into Berkley, I don’t want to be so far from Jessa. If something were to happen and I wasn’t here, I couldn’t handle it.

Walking up the steps to our house, I bang my head on our door.

“Stupid, Stupid, Stupid,” I repeat with each time my head hit the door.

“What in the world are you doing child,” my mother asks opening the door.

“Making the biggest mistake of my life,” I mumble as I walk past her and enter the house.

“What do you mean,” she asks, closing the door and moving to sit next to me on the couch.

“What’s going on,” my father asks looking up from the crossword he was working on.

“I asked Jessa to Prom and I scared her. I never intended to scare her. She didn’t get hers. And I’d love nothing more than to share mine with her, but it freaked her out so much that she practically became a statue.”

Mom looks at my dad who smirks from his recliner. “Does she know you love her?”

“Yes, I tell her every day. She loves me too. I don’t need the sex talk either. Hawkeye had that with me a while ago over the phone. Jessa’s different anyway. With her it wouldn’t be a need to fill, but something completely different. We both decided that we weren’t ready for that step.”

My mom’s mouth was gaping open and my father’s face was frozen somewhere between a smirk and an ‘oh shit’ look. If it weren’t for the fact that I may have just screwed everything up, I may have laughed at them, but I just can’t. Not right now anyway.

“Yes, Jessa and I have talked about sex. We talk about everything. Neither of us want to push or rush anything. Hawk had told me that the first time is more important for the girl than the boy and that I need to remember that when the time comes. I do know that. As well as the fact that it could be painful for her. Pain is not something I ever want to cause Jessa and I think asking her to Prom did that.”

Coughing or clearing his throat, it’s hard to tell, my father sets his crossword aside and leans forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Um, are you thinking about sex with Jess?”

“Hello,” I say exasperated. “Have you not been listening? Yes, we’ve talked about it, but neither of us are ready for that step. We just want to enjoy the simple things.”

“Which are,” Mom asks.

A small smile forms on my lips, “Cuddling as we talk about our days or just anything in general. Kissing. Like I said, the simple, but powerful things. I will admit there have been several nights that I’ve held her as we talk and I think about what it’d be like to fall asleep with her in my arms and wake up to her beautiful smile in the morning. No sex. Just sleeping. Just holding her,” I make sure to clarify at the end.

My mom grabs a tissue from the coffee table and dabs at her tears. My father smiles, but shakes his head.

“I meant are you thinking about sex on Prom night with Jessa?”

For a moment, I’m thrown by my father’s direct question. He’s never been that direct with me and from what Hawkeye has said it was never that way with him either. But then I start considering his question. The thought of making love to Jessa fills me with a warmth every time, but Jessa needs more time and today proved that. Hell, I’d wait a million years if I needed to for her. She is worth it, without a shadow of a doubt I know she is.

“No. I thought about how she could be just Jessa for a night. I thought about a memory she could hang on to when things got bad for her. But having sex with her was never my motivator behind the reason for asking her to Prom. She deserves a night to be a princess and I wanted to treat her to that. I realize now what a big mistake that was now and how fragile she still was even though she’s made such huge strides,” I shrug.

“Son…”

“Don’t. Really. You don’t have to give me any talks sex or otherwise. I’m not stupid. I love Jessa. She will
always
come before my desires. Whenever the time does come that we do make love, I’ll be careful and we’ll
both
understand the step we are taking together. Okay?”

Both my parents nod their heads in agreement with small smiles on their faces. Unable to sit there under their gazes, I tell them I’m heading to my room. As I’m walking around the corner from the living room, I hear my mom and dad mention my name and stop, just out of sight.

“We’ve raised a good man, Hank,” my mother says with pride in her voice.

“That we have. I’m glad him and Hawkeye talked like that. Maybe that’s what’s got Hunter with such a good head on his shoulders. Knowing that his big brother never just had sex with anyone because he had a need to fill. Hawkeye only had one woman. I wish she’d return our calls,” he says sadly.

“Me too, dear. But at least we know that Hawkeye got the chance to be the big brother he always wanted to be. You Sandean men… always the charmers and lovers,” my mother laughs.

Heading the rest of the way to my room, I sit on my bed and lean back against the headboard. I wish now that I hadn’t been so impulsive. If I’d thought it through, I’d know that she wasn’t ready, but I couldn’t help myself. It was a night that I want to give her so bad. A ‘normal’ moment she can always look back on and say ‘it was the best night of my life’, but instead I scared her. The thought of scaring her really hurts me.

Prom… Prom… Hunter’s Prom… With people…