Authors: P. J. Belden
Finding an Angel (6 page)
Two weeks pass and I can’t handle sitting inside anymore. After telling Mom that I’m heading to my area, I walk there. My feet heavier than they’ve ever been. Miss Lily tries to reassure me that everything’s going to be fine, they just need time. But the bad voices were starting to get in more than Miss Lily’s.
Pulling my legs up to my chest, I hug them tightly as I rest my chin on my knees the tears falling. “I miss him so much, Miss Lily. I wanted to help him, but maybe I just made things worse.”
“No you didn’t.”
My head snaps up at his deep, pitchy voice. With wide eyes and butterflies in my stomach, I stumble to my feet, grabbing Miss Lily and holding her in a half hug as normal.
“I’m sorry if I overstepped…”
Hunter shakes his head. “You didn’t. You gave us a piece back that we thought we lost forever. You never cease to amaze me Jessa. Even after I treated you so poorly, you still went out of your way to do that for us. Why?”
Without thinking of my response, I just spoke what is in my heart.
“Because I love you. You broke my heart that day, but something told me something was really wrong. When Mom and Dad told me, I started working right away and didn’t stop until I was done.”
His eyes widen and he stares at me. It is then that my words come back to hit me upside the head with such force that tears form in my eyes. Looking up at him, I take a shaky breath as I continue to talk.
“I didn’t know him long, but I have you. You hurting hurts me and I just…” Unable to find the right words, I decide action is what I need to do at this moment. So, I run at him and throw my arms around his neck and hug him. My first hug from someone that isn’t my parents. Miss Lily hangs against his back in my hand smiling at me for making this move.
After a few second delay, Hunter wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me tightly against him as he buries his face in my neck. Not long after, his body begins to shake with his silent tears. With everything that I am, I wish this hug – our first hug- could be for a different, happier reason, but it isn’t and that’s okay. He needs me and I tighten my hold on him to let him know, I’m always here no matter what.
“Jessa? Hunter? You two out here?” I hear Mrs. Sandean call out.
Hunter pulls away from me, smiling sadly as he wipes his tears. Taking my hand, he leads me toward the Sandeans. My heart hammers in my chest. With my free arm, I hug Miss Lily to me. Did I overstep with them?
“Oh,” Mrs. Sandean starts to cry. “You beautiful, talented girl. Thank you so much for your gifts. I didn’t know that you and Hawkeye were even talking.”
“He’d asked in a letter to me if he could meet the girl that stole my heart and I gave him her address and they’ve been talking since, I guess. I didn’t even know,” Hunter answers.
“I’m not good with emotions. It’s something I’m working on. Sometimes I get them confused and people get angry. I don’t mean to, but I do. So I don’t show any. But when Mom and Dad told me what happened, I felt determination fill me. I know that’s wrong in a case of losing a loved one and I’m sorry. As I was painting them, I was remembering his words and that’s what is written on the paintings as well. What he said about that moment. I was laughing. And I know that’s bad too. I’m sorry again. But he was funny in his letters to me, so thinking of him made me laugh. My mom says that sadness and tears are what people feel at times like this and I’m sorry that I’ve felt everything, but that for him. But for you guys,” I look at Hunter longer than Mr. and Mrs. Sandean, “I did feel sad. Sad that you lost a reason to smile. Sad that you were hurting. Sad that you were so angry at me,” that is said more to Hunter than them.
“Jessa…” Hunter starts, but I have to stop him.
“I realize that all my sadness is for the wrong reasons when I told my mom about them. She said that it was right to feel sorry for your pain, but that I was forgetting the reason. I don’t know that I’ll ever get the feelings right. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand them, but I wanted to let you know that if what I’ve said makes you angry with me. I understand. It makes me angry that I don’t understand. But Mom says that’s frustration,” shaking my head. “I don’t like you hurting. That’s why I gave you his letters to me and the pictures he sent me. Part of me hoped it would heal you. Dad explained to me that it wasn’t that easy…”
“Have you never had to deal with death before, sweetie?” Mr. Sandean asks.
“See when you’re me, the reject, the retard, the ‘issue’, demon child… the list goes on people don’t tend to stick around. Mom says that her parents are both gone and Dad told me that one of his brothers had died. But I don’t know who they are. They are faceless people that I don’t know or remember.”
I look between the three of them. The sadness etched on their faces. Quickly, I hug Hunter and without thinking kiss his lips lightly. And I look between them again.
“Having me around, you lose people. You get lost to them. My mom and Dad have been lost from the world for a long time. Even Dad has no co-workers because once my name is mentioned they run.”
Hunter suddenly realizes what’s going on and tries to take my hand back in his, but I pull away from him and move around them all.
“Now you have lost Hawkeye. I can’t keep taking people from everyone. I can’t. Please stay in contact with my parents they’ll need you. It was a pleasure knowing all of you.” Looking at Hunter, tears start to fall. “I’ll never forget you and I’ll always love you. Nothing can take that away from me.”
When Hunter makes a move for me, I turn and run as fast and as hard as I can. Hunter is faster than me and I can’t let him catch me. I can’t let him hold me because then I’ll keep hurting them.
Running up the stairs of the porch, Mom tries to talk to me and I stop. Hugging them both, I tell them how much I love them and I rush inside, up to my room, and I lock my door, keeping out anyone that might stop me.
You should have done this a long time ago.
The bad voice sneers.
“You win. I can’t keep doing this to them, any of them.”
Go get one of your robe belts.
The bad voice orders.
Numbly, I walk into my closet and pull forward one of my robes and I take the belt from the loops leaving the robe hanging there. There’s nothing in me anymore to fight them any longer. They won.
Go to the bathroom and tie one end around the top pipe for the shower. Then tie the other around your neck and kick the stool away.
As I did as instructed, I feel a sense of peace coming over me. No longer will I be the reason my parents hurt. No longer will I be the reason that people hurt and lose people.
No, for in a few moments,
I think as I kick the stool out from under my feet,
I’ll be gone and they will all be saved from the curse that is me.
Fifteen years old…
For a moment, all I can do is stand there shocked. There’s no way that just happened. She didn’t just hug me, kiss me – sure a small one, but a kiss none the same – and then tell me I’m no longer a part of her life.
“Mom?”
“What?”
My stomach flipping and tightening. “I think she’s going to do something bad. Or did I read too much into that…”
My question is cut short as my parents start running toward the house and I quickly follow and am soon ahead of them. Rushing the porch, her parents immediately stand up.
“Where’s Jessa,” I practically scream in panic.
“In her room getting ready for bed, I presume,” her mom answered.
“Please check on her. From the way she just talked us… I think she’s going to hurt herself.” When they didn’t move, I became pissed. “Fine, I’ll find out myself.”
Flinging the door open so hard, I broke the glass on their screen door. Not caring about it at the moment, I rush up to her room only to find the door locked. Pounding with my fists as hard as I can, I scream for her. Right as I’m shouldering in through the door, everyone else makes a presence.
Hurrying through the opened door, I choked on my tongue and am completely stunned for a second. She is not killing herself while I’m around. Pulling my pocket knife from my pocket, I cut through the belt. Hearing the gasp, I know everyone seen her now. Cutting the rope from her neck, I start CPR. Hawkeye had taught me how to do this the last time he was on leave.
Compressions to her chest, then I tilt her head back and press my lips to hers and force air into her lungs.
Oh Jessa, I wanted, dreamed of my lips being on yours, but not like this.
Her father informed me that the ambulance is on the way. He takes over compressions as I force air in her lungs over and over again. The man that presses on his daughter’s chest shook just as I did. We both fear we lost our purpose, our reason. That’s what Jessa is for me. She’s my everything.
My eyes keep falling to the nasty marks the belt left around her neck. Tears slip down my cheeks. God, I can’t lose her. Resting my forehead against hers, I beg for her life, my tears falling to her face.
“Keep going son. She has a pulse,” her dad says. “It’s weak, faint, but we have to keep going.”
Before I know what’s happening, EMTs are barging in to the bathroom and pushing me to the side. Before I can even get my head to catch up, they are lifting her up, while one continues to give her air, and moving her down the stairs to the awaiting stretcher. As I start to follow them out the door, my parents grab my arms and stop me pulling me back against them.
“Let them go, Hunter. They’ll call with updates,” my father urges.
“She can’t die. I can’t lose her. I love her,” the tears fall harder and I can’t catch my breath.
“Calm down, baby. How about we lock up their house for them and drive up there? Will that help you?” My mother calmly asks.
“Yes. Please,” I beg.
Dad and I walk around locking all the doors and securing the windows. Though we are far out in the country, people are constantly coming by and vandalizing their house. The thought makes me frown. The hell not only her parents have to be going through, but more her. To have people feel such hatred for you when you are nothing more than yourself. My frown deepens. Lyle and his mother were like that and I brought that to Jessa.
Sitting in the car on the way to the hospital, I can’t stop thinking about all the things I could have, should have done for her. She needed me and I did nothing. I let her down more than ever tonight.
Some best friend I am
, I snort at the thought
“She’s going to be okay, son.” My Dad says in his deep, baritone voice.
“How can you be so sure?” My voice is nothing more than a whisper as I look out the window and will myself not to cry again.
“I can’t be, but I thought…”
“You thought I needed to hear words you don’t believe to make me hurt less,” I snap.
He sighs and shakes his head. “I know you’re angry son, but no one could have seen this coming. You acted as fast as you could. Hell, a lot faster than us adults.”
“Maybe not, but I’m her best friend and she’s mine, I left her alone for two damn weeks after treating her like crap the last time I saw her.” Shaking my head and forcing the tears not to fall, I whisper. “I caused this. This is
my
fault.”
“Hunter,” my mom gasps.
“What,” I growl just as we pull into the hospital parking lot.
Before anyone can say another thing to me, I’m out of the car and running toward the emergency entrance. The whole night goes by in a whirlwind of tears, trying to offer a bit of comfort to the Rawlins – my parents stopped trying to comfort me because I didn’t want it, didn’t deserve it – and then a bunch of words I didn’t understand on how Jessa was when the doctors finally came in.
When the Rawlins left to go see their daughter with the promise I could see her tonight, I turn to my parents with questions spilling from my mouth.
“What did all that mean? Is Jessa okay? How bad is she hurt? Can I…”
My father cut me off by pulling me into his arms and hugging me tightly. With a deep voice thick with emotion, he held me as he told me what all that meant.
“She has a compound fracture to her neck, damage to her trachea, and they are watching her for any sign of damage to the brain from lack of the proper amount of oxygen to the brain.”