Falling (22 page)

“Something,” I agree. This stupid book is the only barrier, and after feeling pretty big and heavy all day, it’s now feels tiny. The day with him was just another reminder of how easy things could be between us.

His fingers slide across the back of my hand, sending goose bumps up my arm that quickly spread over my body.

“Jason.” I close my eyes, knowing again that I’m leading him on by being here, but that I’d make it even worse if we were to do more than we’re doing now.

“We could try the no-strings thing again.” There’s enough tease in his voice that it’s keeping us out of serious territory. Or at least part
way out.

“Way too late for that.” I try to smile, but it gets caught with the lump in my throat.

“I’m about to sound crazy, but it’s hard being this close to you, seeing you, and not being able to touch you.” He sighs and stares at the ceiling. So much for teasing.

Emotion wells up in me because this is all stupid and pointless. I have to lighten this again. “Then roll over, stupid.” I push out something like a laugh, as I shove his chest, and his side, and his hips to roll him away from me.

He chuckles, and lets me push.

“Better?” I ask when he’s facing the opposite wall.

“That was actually a bit of a turn-on.” I can tell he’s smiling, but he doesn’t move either.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I clutch my book
,
picturing Jason naked and turned on all too well.

“Nope. I can show you if you like.”

He starts to turn toward me, but I put both hands on his back and shove. “You’re such a guy. Now leave me alone so I can read.”

I’m trying to tease, but I’m so desperate for things between us to stay light, that I’m sure some shakiness comes through.

He reaches out behind him without turning his head, and runs his fingers down my calf. I want so much more. “Goodnight, Dana.”

I start to tease him about not letting bed bugs bite, but the lump in my throat is too big. How did I get into this mess?

JASON

OK, Somebody Really Should Have Given me some Warning–

Flicked my Ear or
Something

I’m finally headed inside after checking all the rental machines before the weekend, and the smell of the gas I spilled on my hands will probably follow me all day. I open the door into the warmth of the lodge, and the first words I hear from Justine get my attention.

“So, what’s going on with you and my brother?” Justine asks. Ah, perfect question. I’m afraid to breathe, to move, to do anything that might alert them to my presence. I have no idea what to do with Dana. I need all the help I can get.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh
,
come on. I’m not stupid.” I can picture Justine’s face now and it makes me smile.

Dana’s silent for a moment. “I don’t know.”

“Well, don’t you guys talk about it or anything?”

“No,” Dana answers quickly. “That would make it real.”

I smile at that. It would make it real and for whatever reason, neither of us are really ready for that. Well, I might be but I shouldn’t be, not after my divorce. At any rate, I’m not willing to risk scaring her off.

“Well, it just seems like…” Justine starts.

“Justine, look around. At some point in time I’ll be working for my dad. Jason wouldn’t leave here for his
wife
. It can’t go anywhere. There are too many differences. I don’t want something big right now. Not yet. It’s not just really horrible timing, it’s thousands of miles of distance. And anyway, I think he’s still broken after Cass. He’s not ready. I’m not ready. And we don’t live close enough.”

“What about love conquers all and all that?”

“If love conquered all, no one would ever get divorced.”

Good point.

“Why do you have to work for your dad?”

“I want to,” Dana says.

Right, simple. But I still feel it. I feel what I knew from the beginning.

“But you like my brother.” I tense waiting for her response. It’s silent and then I hear Justine again. “A lot?” Again, nothing. I’m going crazy here. “Do you love him?” Justine presses her further. Dana must have answered yes to the first two questions. I feel it. I feel it where I shouldn’t because I like her that way too.

“I…I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. He’s been great, and we’ve had some fun together.” Dana tries to make it all sound like it’s all been no big deal, but she doesn’t do a good job.

What really sucks is I’m in that deep too, and I have no idea what to do about it.

“Enough about me,” Dana says. “You have to tell your brother why you’re here.”

Wait.

“What?” I ask as I come around the corner from the coatroom.

“Oh. I didn’t hear you come in,” Justine says.

“Yeah. I
just
walked in from outside.” I realize my mistake and try to cover. I wonder if Dana knows me well enough to detect the lie.

Justine takes a deep breath and tries to smile at me.

I freeze, knowing by the look on their faces that this is big. “What?”

“I’m pregnant,” Justine says.

The room goes fuzzy.

“What?” My body tenses in anger. I’m mad at her, mad at the guy, mad she’s here.

She doesn’t say anything.

“Are you sure?” I’m trying to keep from tearing apart my kitchen or hurling something across the room. My little sister. Some little punk had his hands on… There’s no way I can finish the thought.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” She nods.

“Yeah… I’m gonna need a minute on th
is
one.” I clasp my hands together and rest them on the top of my head. I stand for a moment with my eyes closed. I don’t know what to do. I imagine myself smashing every plate in the cabinets and throwing something through the window. I know it would feel good, but I really don’t want to deal with the aftermath.

I need out of here. I turn around and head back to the coat closet, grabbing my coat from its hook and heading straight for the shed. My arm flails around in the dark until I find the worn out old string to turn on the light. I almost pull the light off the ceiling when I find it. The place is still a disaster from the old owners—everything in here is old, rusted
,
and needs to be hauled out.

I hit the heavy stuff first—cramming everything I don’t want anymore against the back door. About ten minutes or so into my shuffling
,
I hear Dana’s voice.

“What the hell are you doing?” she says as she comes through the door. No mistaking her for anything but angry.

“What business is it of yours?” I snap back and grab an old oil barrel to start rolling toward the back door.

“Justine is a friend of mine.”

“Ahh.” I smile at her sarcastically.

“She’s in there crying because of you.” Her face is hard and her arms are folded. This is a new one.

“No, she’s in there crying because of
her
. I mean
,
seriously? What was she thinking?”

“Jason, how old were you when you first had sex?” she asks. She hasn’t missed a beat.

“Isn’t that a little personal?” I don’t want to go there. This isn’t about me. This is about
my
little sister.

She stands still, waiting for an answer. Shit, she has me. I was sixteen, almost seventeen. Justine’s age. Shit, shit, shit.

“Sixteen,” I finally admit.

“And the girl?”

Shit again. “Also sixteen.”

“So, your sister’s situation could have been you except that her boyfriend took off at the first sign of trouble, and I’m sure you wouldn’t have.” She smiles at me a little then.

“I’m not her dad.” I shake my head as my shoulders slump. “I shouldn’t have to deal with this.” I tip the barrel on its side and roll it toward the back, banging it into an old wood table as it moves.

“No, you’re not her dad. You’re her brother. She trusts you. She
worships
you. She came here because she was hoping to get some support.” Dana raises her voice over the noise I’m making. “She was too afraid to tell your parents. She was terrified to tell
you
because of what you’ll think about her. She finally gets the courage and you run out here.” Her accusatory look is back.

“That’s my
sister
! What am I supposed to do?” I throw my hands in the air.

“You’re supposed to go in there, give her your best big brother hug
,
and tell her that you love her no matter what. That’s all she needs. She’s terrified right now. I’d be terrified, and I’m almost six years older than she is.” Dana sighs.

“The whole idea of it is just…” I shake my head again and run my hand over my hair.

“Get over it, Jason.”

I rub my hands hard over my face and then again through my shortened hair. I don’t know what to do with myself. I try to put myself in Justine’s place. I can’t, not really, but I feel bad. At her age, telling Mom and Dad that I’d gotten a girl pregnant would have been horrible.

“You’re right.” I looked up at Dana and chuckle as I start toward the door. “That’s something I never thought I’d say to you.”

“Thanks a lot.” She laughs and punches me lightly on the chest as I walk past her.

I wonder how much more awkward this would have been without Dana here. I realize real quick that I don’t want to know.

“Thank you.” I stop. I think back to the conversation I overheard. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

I love the way Dana’s looking at me right now, and I want to kiss her more than I’ve wanted to kiss anyone. So much that I take a step closer.

“Go talk to your sister.” She pushes me away
,
smiling. Guess we’re back to games.

I sigh.

Justine’s eyes are red, and she’s sitting on the big couch with a roll of toilet paper in her hands.

“Sorry.” I sit down next to her and put my arm around her. “Let me know if I can do anything, okay?”

She buries her face in my chest then. “Thank you, Jason.”

“I love you no matter what. You know that, right?” This is what Dana said she needs, and it’s probably the only thing I know how to do to help.

“I love you, too.” Her voice is muffled.  She puts her arms around me and continues to cry.

What the hell am I supposed to do next?

What I
CAN
Do

Mi
tchum
P
aris
and his wife arrive Sunday afternoon, right about when things slow a little for us.

“Glad you two made it.” I smile as they walk through the door.

“Well, I couldn’t really refuse your offer.” Mi
tch
grins back, his face flushed with cold. “Thanks.”

“Hey, no problem.” I nod. “You can take
R
oom
Four
upstairs.”

“Dana’s around?” Mi
tch
asks.

“Oh, yeah.” I nod. “She’s around.” Somewhere. Probably whispering in a corner with Justine.

Before I have a chance to think about Dana and Mi
tchum
P
aris
, it
’
s dinner. Dana’s at her favorite table in the corner. Her back is to me, but I can see Mi
tch
and his wife just fine. It
’
s great that they’re talking, but it sucks that I can’t hear a word.

I catch glimpses of phrases between orders for beer, Boz’s orders from the kitchen, and Justine’s ramblings.

“You need to know what the defense… Look over your story well… It
’
s okay to be positive but don’t say you are if you aren’t, it’s easy to tell when someone’s lying on the stand
…
”

I have to run into the kitchen but come back as soon as I can. When I do, Mi
tch
’s wife is sitting next to Dana with her arm around her. What did I miss? I walk up to the table, past caring if I’m wanted here or not. Dana is trying to look like she’s concentrating on the papers in front of her and not upset, which she definitely is. Mi
tch
is looking right at her. “This is a big deal, Dana. This is an important thing that you’re doing.”

She doesn’t look up, just nods and
Mitch
’s wife rubs her hand over Dana’s back a few more times as Dana touches the corners of her eyes over and over.

I wait until Mi
tch
catches m
y
eye, and then gesture with my head toward the kitchen, hoping he’ll follow me when he gets a chance.

I wander into the kitchen and start taking over for Boz. I want Boz to go so I can talk with
Mitch
, but I’m not sure how to ask. Finally
,
I remember that I don’t have to tiptoe around Boz. “Hey, I’m hoping to talk to the DA for a few.”