Falling (26 page)
Authors: Jolene Perry
“There’s my girl!” He doesn’t look angry, only happy to see his daughter. “I’ve been worried about you. You’re not telling me what’s going on and…” The emotion in his voice is clear.
“Sorry, Daddy,” she whispers. She steps toward him and he puts his arms around her, pulling her into a hug. He closes his eyes and rests his face against the side of her head. I know it right then. Dana’s doing the right thing leaving this place. She shouldn’t be tied down to something like this, not with the opportunities she has.
I can also see that she and her dad are as close as she said. No wonder he’s so surprised that she hadn’t said anything.
When he finally lets her go
,
his eyes turn to me. “You must be Jason.” He smiles, walks over
,
and shakes my hand.
“Yes
,
sir.” Sir? Where had that come from?
Dana seems lost, looking back and forth between her dad and me.
“Is that all you need
,
sweetie?” He picks up the small suitcase Dana is holding. She just nods.
“Well
,
Jason, I can’t thank you enough for watching over my Dana here. She has a bit of a habit of getting herself into trouble. I still don’t know why she didn’t tell me about any of this.” He looks her direction but is still smiling indulgently.
“It was…no problem.” I nod. I’m not going to look at her. I force my eyes to stay on her dad. It wouldn’t be too hard to see what was going on here, between Dana and
me
. He’s a smart man.
“Well, let’s go
,
Dana, I have a pilot who’s just sitting out there waiting for us.”
He puts his arm around her shoulder and starts for the door. Dana looks back at me then, almost like I’m betraying her. What’s her problem? She can do whatever she wants and she’s doing it, she’s chosen.
I walk them to the door
,
trying to ignore how my chest feels trampled.
DANA
This Isn’t How It’s Supposed To Go
Just after Dad and I step outside, I break away from him and throw my arms around Jason.
“Jason, please…” I whisper.
Ask me to stay. Ask me to come with you this summer. Ask me for anything.
He doesn’t say anything for a moment, just hugs me back and breathes me in. My body starts to relax in relief when he finally speaks. “Go with your dad, Dana.”
I jerk away. How could he…?
Maybe everything I felt was more one-sided than I thought it was. Maybe it’s just too soon after Cass. Maybe everything is bullshit, and I’ve been right to not get involved with anyone.
“Oh, Jason. Here’s a few hundred bucks.” Dad pulls a few bills out of his pocket. “I know my Dana, and I know she has more stuff here than what’s in that bag. Maybe you could take care of that?”
Jason raises a hand between them. “It’s fine. I’ll mail her things down to her. It
’
s no problem.”
I’m staring at him, willing, begging him to look at me, but his eyes are on my dad.
“You can just let Justine have whatever she wants.
I don’t care
.” I spit out the last words
,
hoping those words echo in his head for a while.
It slices into me again. He’s taken care of me. Watched me. Made me laugh when I needed it. Held me when I needed it.
Why doesn’t he know what I need now?
Dad rests his arm over me
,
and we walk toward the waiting helicopter together. Dad would never fly in something as average as a small plane—not unless it was a jet.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the case?” Dad squeezes me tighter.
“I didn’t want you to worry. And it all turned out okay.”
“I hate that you’re crying.”
“I’m fine. It’s just… It’s been a long week.”
And I’m suddenly terrified that I might have fallen in love.
“We’ll get you home and get you fixed right up.” Dad kisses my head as we walk through the snow, and for the first time ever, going to St. Louis doesn’t feel like going home.
JASON
. .
I’ve been wandering around in a haze for the past few hours. Getting nothing done, not feeling any less shredded, and still berating myself for being such an idiot about the whole situation.
“Where’s Dana?” Justine asks from the couch as I step back inside.
Wow. Another punch to the chest. So much for my distraction this morning.
I ignore her, pull a beer out of the fridge
,
and make myself some toast. Justine appears behind me.
“Where’s Dana?” she asks again.
“She went home.” I grab my breakfast and head out to one of the tables.
“She went home?” Justine
i
s shocked. “But she didn’t come say goodbye.”
“Her dad came unexpectedly to pick her up.” I pop the top of my beer and take a drink.
“Her dad?” Justine’s jaw drops. “She went home to
St. Louis
?”
“Her brother told her dad everything, and he came to get her.”
“Wow.” Justine sits down. “So, when’s she coming back?”
I look up at her. “You’re kidding, right?”
“What
?
” Justine’s eyes narrow. “But you guys love each other.”
I laugh then. “No Justine. She doesn’t love me.” I shake my head.
“Yes
,
she does,” Justine insists.
“Trust me. She doesn’t.” I think back to last night. The words came out of my mouth, but never left hers. Dana and I are just not in the same place with each other. Two days ago
,
we talked and laid it all out, and both of us knew that we met each other at the wrong time. Some things aren’t meant to happen.
At least this is what I’m trying to convince myself.
“When I told her I was pregnant
,
we talked.” Justine watches me. I keep eating and staring out the window. This is not my favorite topic of conversation. “She said that the only
other
time she’d been in love, she’d just graduated high school and she slept with a boy she’d liked for years and he broke her heart and she’s been able to keep boys away and that’s when she…” Justine stops. “Well, don’t you see
,
though? She’s totally in love with you and doesn’t know it.”
“Yeah, she’s probably trying to suppress it because she knows that us together would be close to impossible.” I’m looking out the window and finishing off my beer.
“Jason
,
you have to go after her.” Justine looks at me with her best pleading eyes.
“She’s the one who left.”
“She can’t say no to her
dad
. Haven’t you guys talked at all?” Exasperation is tinged on every word, but I’m used to this from Justine and know how to ignore it.
“She’s grown up. She can say no to whoever she wants to
,
and she said no to me.” I stand up, wash off my plate
,
and throw my empty bottle away.
“Did you actually ask her to stay?”
“No.” I shake my head. “And I’m not going to. She’d be miserable up here.”
“Oh really?” Justine’s finds her best obstinate voice. “She loves it here. She could have gone home a million times, but she chose to stay here all winter instead. She left before the best part of your year. The part where you hang out in a beach house for free.”
“Exactly. And she left anyway.” I start for my room.
“Did she know she was invited?”
Shit. I know I thought about it, but did I invite her? I shove the thought away.
I fought for a girl before, the one who wanted to be here and it didn’t work. I’m not doing it again for a girl who admits that she has no idea what she wants.
“Justine?” My voice is quiet. I take a few steps toward her. I don’t want to be having this conversation. “This is not some movie or fun little book where everyone ends up happy in the end. This is real life, and in real life shit happens
,
and you deal with it.”
I turn, walk away
,
and slam the door to my room. It isn’t the place to be. Dana is everywhere in here. It still smells like her. My bed is all messed up, she was here just hours ago. I want to tear the place apart. I pick up instead—make the bed and shut out that reminder. I put Clorox in the bathtub, the shower
,
and the toilet and let it wash down the drain. Now my bathroom smells like Clorox. Not edible shampoo. Better.
There’s a soft knocking on my door that I try to ignore because I’m busy staring at the fireplace and feeling miserable, but then Justine walks in with a tear-stained face.
“You know I can’t take the teary face.” I sigh as I slump lower in my couch.
Justine kneels in front of me. “If you don’t want her, Jason, then you’re doing the right thing, but I’ve talked with her. I know how she feels. If you want her here, please, please tell her how you feel.”
“Jus…” But I don’t get to finish.
Instead of whining and begging and pleading like she normally would, she stands up and walks back out.
Of course
,
I fucking want her here. Of course
,
I do. But that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing. Still
,
I feel myself reaching for my phone
,
wondering what on earth I should say.
DANA
Decisions… Decisions…
I’ve gotten three calls from Justine that I’ve been afraid to take since I stepped into Dad’s hotel room. I’ll call her soon. Just not yet. And then I get a text.
If you change your mind. I’m attaching Josh, Rory, and James’
s
phone numbers. They’re coming out tonight and could give you a ride home.
Home. The lodge.
I shake my head.
We’re still friends, Justine. We’ll talk soon.
And I hit send.
And then my email beeps. From Jason, and instead of deleting it to move forward like I think I should, I sit down to read.
Dana –
I wanted to call, but I was afraid to. Afraid of what you would say or wouldn’t say. I want you to have something you can read a few times, and then make the decision you need to make.
Letting you go this morning was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. There’s a part of me that still feels like what I have to offer can’t possibly be enough for any woman—definitely not a woman like you who deserves the world. I can’t give you that.
You know what comes with me—a little sister who worships you, a run-down lodge that I’m not totally ready to leave yet, but I will. Just ask, Dana, and I’ll leave this. We talked about people being our safe places, and as scary as hell as it is to ask a girl who still isn’t sure what she wants out of life to be mine, that’s what I’m asking. But I’d do anything to be the guy you come home to at the end of the day, no matter where we are.
You can have your independence and be in love. You will not lose yourself in me, or in us, or whatever we make together. I just want a chance.
Jason
I’m too full to know what I’m feeling. All I know is I’m supposed to be getting ready for dinner, so I start to go through the motions.
I jerk the straightener through my hair with too much force. A big dinner at the Captain Cook Hotel before catching the jet home. Dad’s, of course.
The word love echoes through my head. Jason won’t be around in five years. Not for me, anyway. But jobs come and go. Places I love to live will come and go. The different stages of my life may happen when I don’t expect. It really is the people that are permanent—or that can be.
Do I want that from Jason?
I know I don’t want to be without him. My hands start shaking as I realize what I might do. What I can do. Could do. Maybe
will
do.
He wouldn’t leave that place for his wife, but he’d leave it for me. The problem is that I don’t know if I’m ready to leave the lodge. It feels like a project half
-
finished. The bathrooms still need to be changed out, and then the hideous couches, and the cabins could use some personality
.
And then maybe Jason and I could pick out another place
, s
omewhere else in the world, and do the same thing.
The happiness of being with him like that, day after day, not having deadlines or court cases or family pressures hanging over us sounds…perfect.
“Ready for dinner
,
sweetie?” Dad asks with a smile.