Falling (24 page)

Justine wipes the tears and snot from her blotchy face with the washcloth she’s clutching. “I should be relieved, right?”

I sit on the edge of the bathtub and rub her back. “I’ve been here. It took me a while to find the relief. I’ll go get you clean pajamas and some pain meds. Is your stomach cramping?”

“Bad.” She nods. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this, I just—”

“Whoa. Justine. Girls stick together. This is fine. Okay?”

She sniffs a few more times

“I have to go to Palmer today. I testify tomorrow. Why don’t you tag along, just in case it gets really bad and we need to go see the doc, okay?” I give her shoulder one last rub before standing up.

“Thank you,” Justine whispers.

“No problem.”

I’m not good with stuff like this, but at least I’m doing something.

Jason’s knuckles are white as he clutches his coffee cup when I step back into the kitchen. “Is she okay?”

“I’m pretty sure she lost the baby,” I say.

“Well, that’s good
,
right?” Jason’s clutch on his mug loosens a little.

I scowl. “Well, don’t say that to your sister. Of course it’s the best route, but when you’re there, it doesn’t feel like it.”

Jason’s watching me way too closely, and I know he wants an explanation. After what I’ve been putting him through, he probably deserves one.

“Clive, when I was in college.” I grab a water from the fridge. “He was a good friend of my brother’s when I was in high school. He started paying me extra attention when I graduated.

“I pined after him and waited for times when we could see each other. When I started at Northwestern, we started dating for real. I found out I was pregnant and part of me was excited. We now had this unbreakable tie to one another. It was silly
,
young stupidity.” I shake my head. “He took off. He never had any intention of sticking around.”

He was probably running away when I called in tears to tell him I’d lost the baby.

“What about the kid who…” But Jason stops. “You know, with Justine…”

“It sounds like it all started normal, and she let herself get swept up too quickly. I don’t think he’s bad, just scared.” I can’t imagine what it’s like to have a big brother like Jason. My brother didn’t mean to be callous about the whole thing, but he and Clive were close, and he understood Clive’s perspective. More than mine. Which sucks, but here’s Jason just wanting to find the right thing to do for his sister, and it makes me wonder what could be different between me and my brother.

“Should we take her in?” He shifts uncomfortably. “I mean, should she see a doctor or something?”

“I don’t know. A lot people don’t even know they’re pregnant at this point. I’m heading to Palmer in a few hours for the trial anyway. She can just tag along. If that’s okay.”

“Well, then I’m coming too.” Jason turns toward the sink and starts washing his mug.

I start to protest, but realize my time up here is probably short, and that I’m messed up enough to want him there. More than I should.

JASON

Mom

Just before we take off I take my cell phone outside to the shower cabin. I dial Mom and walk into the laundry room, hoisting myself onto the washing machine and the only place out here where I can find some privacy without climbing on a snowmachine.

“Jason?”

“Yep.” I smile. She always says my name like a question. Like she gets a ton of calls from my number that aren’t me.

“Oh, Jason.” Relief that it
is
me. “Justine called me a few minutes ago. If I’d had any idea what was going on, I never would have let her go.”

I smile. “It’s okay, Mom. I mean, it hasn’t been my favorite thing to think about, but it
’
s okay.”

“You’ve been as much a parent to her as we have over the past year or so.” Mom sounds both appreciative and sad.

“As much as I’d never admit this to her, she’s been a good distraction for me
,
too. Don’t feel bad.”

“Congratulations with your writing,” she says. “I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks.” I’m trying to figure out how to bring up my odd situation/non-situation with Dana.

“How are things with Dana?” Her voice is now thick with curiosity.

“Mom.” I stop. “We haven’t really talked about her, have we?”

She laughs. “Only for you to tell me that she’s gorgeous, knows it, and is driving you crazy. Oh! And we spoke briefly the day Cass showed up. And your sister might have mentioned a few things…”

“Right.” I smile. Mom can see through just about anything. “She’s been invaluable with this whole Justine thing.”

“And it sounds like she was helping out on the Cass front as well?”

I nod and then say, “Yeah,” when I remember we’re talking on the phone.

“Well, I have time Jason. Tell me what you want to tell me.”

It’s not Justine who has expectations of Dana and
me
getting together. It’s not Boz who just wants me to have sex. It’s Mom, and all she wants is for me to be happy—something (despite my comment to Dana) that’s been hard for me to find. I start talking and don’t stop. I tell her that we slept together—I leave out the details even though they’re in my mind as clear as the moment they happened. I tell her about Dana’s dad and brother, and how she probably won’t stick around, and how I really like her, and how I shouldn’t.

We talk about Justine and Dana and how well they get along. I tell her how I’m sure Dana has no idea what she wants, not outside of any given moment, and how I’m convinced there’s two girls in Dana’s body and, “It’s making me crazy
,
Mom
,
because I know if she could just drop the façade for a while, she’d figure out what she wants. She could just be herself, and she could be so happy.”

“With you,” Mom says.

“I don’t know.” I say it out loud and it makes me face it all over again. “I don’t know why I’m like this. You know what Boz said?”

“No
,
but I probably have a good enough idea.” She laughs. “You’re different
,
Jason. You never dated unless you really liked the girl. It means you’re a good man.” She sounds proud of me again.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk to her, how to make her listen to me.”

“You can’t
make
a girl do anything.” I hear the smile in her voice.

I laugh a little. “I know.”

“Do you think she’ll stay in Alaska or do you think she’ll end up back in St. Louis?”

“I don’t know that either.” She said she was leaving. She probably will.

“What would you do with yourself in St. Louis?” she asks.

“I don’t know. Keep writing
,
I guess.”

She laughs—good now. “You’re in love.”

“
What
?” With Dana? If that’s the case then I’m toast. “Why…”

“You wouldn’t leave the lodge for your
wife
.”

I sit on the washer, stunned. She’s right. I’m actually realizing that I’d follow her. With that one question from Mom of what I’d do with myself in St. Louis. The problem is
:
would I want to be with her there? How much of the real girl would I see in the city like that? I’m not sure. I really don’t care where we are. I want the girl who’s not afraid to run around with a half empty beer, messy hair
,
and glasses. I’ll take that girl anywhere I can get her.

“Just listen. Give her space and let her talk.”

“Okay.”

“But don’t be afraid to tell her how you feel.”

“Which is it
,
Mom? Give her space or tell her how I feel?” How am I not better at this at my age?

“I can’t tell you what to do, Jase. You’re going to have to know her well enough to decide for yourself.”

How’s that for unhelpful help
?
“Thanks. We’re all headed into Palmer in a few minutes. She testifies tomorrow.”

“That’s not going to be easy,” Mom says. “Love you, son.”

“Thanks
,
M
om. Love you, too.” 

I hang up the phone and sit on the washer for a few more minutes. I haven’t decided if I’m glad I called or not.

DANA

A Step in the Right Direction

Justine’s crashed underneath the weight of another Percocet on one of two beds in our hotel room. Jason’s on the other, way off to one side, flipping through channels. I’m… I’m keeping myself busy with stupid stuff like putting away our clothes and setting my toiletry bag on the counter.

Jason and Justine and the trial all spin around in my head as I finally give up on finding things to do and head for Jason.

“This is really real
,
isn’t it?” I ask. “The trial. It’s just… I’ve been thinking a lot since the DA came out.”

Jason turns off the TV, props himself up on an elbow, and watches me. “Can I do anything?” he asks.

“No.” I sigh. “I need to sleep.”

“Didn’t sleep well last night?” he asks.

“Didn’t sleep at all,” I admit. And then I realize that in a way I admitted to more than not sleeping well because he walked out, and then I didn’t sleep.

“Me either.” His eyes are searching too deep, but maybe at this point
,
we’re both facing what we know to be true.

“We both live in the real world, right?” I slide into my side of the bed, realizing that there’s a lot less room on a queen than on his bed.

“I think so.”

I prop up on my elbow too, so we’re facing one another. “I can’t do this right now. Us. I just can’t. Do you understand that at all, or are you going to hate me when I leave?”

“Of course I won’t hate you when you leave. This job is a big deal for you, right?”

“Huge.” I slide down until my head’s resting on my pillow. “I’ll get to work with my dad, but not directly with him. It’s exactly what I wanted to do with my business degree—take older homes and apartments, fix them up, sell them or keep for investment… It’s really too perfect to pass up.”

“Then you shouldn’t.”

I’m suspicious because this shouldn’t be so easy. Maybe he meant it when he said he wouldn’t be angry when I left. “Thanks for understanding.”

He nods. “Nervous about tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Come here, then.” Jason lies on his back and pats his chest in invitation.

Won’t this just make it worse for both of us? “I don’t—”

“I know you’re leaving, Dana. I know that I’m still getting over a divorce and have no business getting involved. I know you’re at the point in your life when you don’t want to be tied down to anyone. I know all of this. I’m just… I hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do to take away some of the stress for you, okay?”

Why does he have to be so nice? And instead of rolling away and going to sleep, I let his arms come around me and my head rest on the warmth of his chest.

“I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want this,” I whisper.

“Shhh.” Jason’s arms tighten and my arms tighten in a need to be closer, and then I hope for sleep.

I step out of the bathroom in my favorite grey trousers, heels, and black cashmere sweater. I feel like more myself than I have in a long time. Jason’s eyes are on me, slightly wide, and I turn away quickly to finish my makeup in the vanity mirror.

“I’m staying in today,” Justine says from her bed.

“Well.” Jason stands up in his soft khakis and button-up. “You definitely don’t look like you’re from around here.”

I glance down. “Oh.” I’m not sure what else to say—anything would make me sound like a snob, or like I disagree. I’m not ready to do either.

“Don’t look so stressed.” He stands behind me and rubs my arm a few times.

Justine misses nothing and tries to hide her smile as she flips stations.

“Ready?” he asks.

“Nope.” I pick up my purse and head for the door. I am not looking forward to my day.

TRIAL

The first person I see after walking through security is Craig. Of course.

Jason moves slightly, putting himself between Craig and
me
.

“Thanks
,
Jason.” I smile. “But I’ve already seen him, and today isn’t about him.”

“Right.” He sighs. “Sorry.”

I shrug. “My stupid, stupid mistake.”

Only inside I’m not shrugging, I’m tensing because he’s moving this way.

“Well, it looks like we’re all cozy over here.” Craig smiles as he stops in front of us. “They’ve got a waiting room for you, Dana, since you’re a witness, and are in possible need of protection.”