Covenant (15 page)

“
Just a little while ago,”
I respond, trying to keep my tone even despite the onslaught of
memories.

“
Where were
you?”

I glance up her sharply, and
my first inclination is to tell her she doesn’t need to know
because she isn’t my keeper. Nevertheless, I know where that will
get me, so I say, “Out.”

Her eyes try to engage mine,
but I keep looking away, trying to keep her from probing the chaos
that overflows from within. It’s too much, I know, and she’s going
to pick up on it. It’s just a matter of time.

“
Lev, I sense the
disturbance within you, and granted, you’ve had some difficult
moments, but what I’m picking up is worse.” She reaches out and
lightly takes my arm. “I’m worried about you.”

That makes two of us,
I think, yet I say nothing, trying for as long as
I can to maintain the peace.

“
You need to let me in. I
can help you.”

Okay, that pretty much
cinches it.
I jerk my arm away. “You can
help me? Just like Evan did when he stole my memories?”

She inhales sharply, and I
can tell she wasn’t prepared for that. “He was only trying to help
in whatever way he could.”

“
That explains his role in
this. What about yours?” I glare at her and turn to face her head
on. “What is your excuse, Celia, for backing him when he took the
one thing that should have been mine.”

Her eyes close, and I can
sense the chaos rising within her as well. Is it what I am accusing
her of or what she senses in me that is causing her distress? Has
she figured out my memory is back?

“
You don’t understand,” she
says softly.

“
Then tell me,” I demand,
gripping both of her elbows. “Let me in on the secret you two
share; I’m tired of the quiet game where I get left out in the
cold.”

She flinches, and in that
instant, I wonder if I should have stayed with Theresa longer. I
can’t control this rage, and only part of it has anything to do
with Celia’s guilt. Most of it is about all the things I can’t
control that hurt so badly I don’t know what to do to ease the
pain.

“
Before he blocked the
memories, you were out of your head and threatening to cause all
kinds of scenes to get what you wanted. It was so unlike you we had
no other way to deal with the behavior.” She swallows hard and
stares at the ground, but I think she’s living with a memory right
in front of her eyes, specifically me, losing control. I think
about that time, finally able to pull it into my mental focus. I
was throwing things, screaming, trying to fling myself toward the
Lower Realm even though I was so wounded I never would have been
able to carry myself in flight. I don’t have a clue what would have
happened. It’s all a blur, but she is right. I was completely out
of control, and there wasn’t anything else he could have
done.

The past was beyond us, and
the present was rapidly spiraling outside Evan’s control. Only the
future had any promise, and he must have thought that, given time,
I’d adjust to what I could no longer have. But no amount of time
can blunt this pain.

I ease my hold and release
her and try to regain control of my emotions. The chaos is blinding
me inside, and I want to find a place that is silent, where I don’t
feel anything. I want to be numb again, but there is no suppressing
this.

She looks up at me, tears
brimming in her eyes. “I know you blame Evan for his choice. He
knew you would, but what else could he have done? Some things are
too painful to accept, Lev. As angels, we learn to shield
ourselves, but that doesn’t mean things don’t get
inside.”

I solemnly nod. “You’re
right. Things do get inside. Things like Elizabeth.”

She stares at me, her hands
finding each other. They need something to hold onto as she finally
realizes my memory has returned despite Evan’s best intention to
keep me in the dark.

“
Lev, what have you done?”
Her voice comes out scarcely above a whisper.

“
Gotten the truth.” My tone
is much harsher than I meant for it to be, and she staggers
backward slightly, unable to look away.

“
No, you’ve destroyed
everything he has worked so hard to build to protect both you and
Elizabeth!” The whisper is gone, replaced by an angry shout. “You
had no right, Lev. You should have gone to him.”

I walk away from her,
knowing that while she is right in that no one else should have had
the opportunity to remove the warding, it didn’t matter because
Evan had no intention of removing it himself. “I
did
go to him, Celia.
Several times, for all the good it did me. The answer was always
no. It didn’t matter what I said or tried, he refused to listen
because he knew best. Yet I deserved my memories, especially those
of Elizabeth.” I tug my hand through my hair. “Why am I explaining
this to you? You’ve never loved a mortal, Celia; you don’t know
what this is like.”

“
And you weren’t supposed
to ‘fall’ in love with her, either, Lev. You were supposed to learn
empathy for humans.”

I quicken my pace,
muttering, “What a timely distinction, Celia. Score five points for
you.” The rage wraps around me and fuses with my being. Glancing
around me, I see nothing I can throw—not that it would make me feel
any better, but at least it would give my hands something to
do.

She strides behind me. “It’s
so easy to judge him, isn’t it? You think it’s about what he took
from you and that it must have been so easy, right?” She makes a
growling sound I’ve never heard before and grabs my wrist, yanking
me to the ocean’s edge.

“
Have you lost your mind?”
I snap, about to jerk free.

“
No, but there is something
you need to see before you judge any of us.” Then she drags me into
the wetness, and we both plummet toward the Lower Realm before our
wings pull out and temper the flight. Yes, I could battle her on
this. I could stick with the feeling that Evan has betrayed me, but
I know I should at least hear her out on this one. Besides, what
else can I do? It’s not like I should be going on any sojourns at
present, not with my mind in this state. Anyway, Celia may be an
angel, but she is also the most stubborn angel I’ve ever met. When
an idea jumps into her head, she’s already on track with it, and
nobody is getting in her way.

I sense the chaos swirling
within her, and it pretty much matches that inside of me. Both of
us are adrift on emotions too close to those of humans to be
comfortable. That probably has more to do with Elizabeth Moon than
anything else but I wouldn’t change it, no matter how much my heart
aches in her absence.

Normally, I enjoy the
sensation of flight, but since waking up with no memory and having
that memory restored, I have struggled with enjoying much because
so much is in flux, and I can’t control it. Still, I try to calm
myself as I follow Celia’s frantic descent, wondering what it is
she wants to show me that she thinks is so important. The important
thing is I know what happened between Elizabeth and myself. I just
can’t make any of it better, and that kills me inside. How could I
have tried to do something good only for it to turn out so
bad?

Celia shifts course as we
get drift toward the Lower Realm, and I look below at the sleepy
little town of Hauser’s Landing. It’s the kind of town the
word
murder
was
never linked with. Until my “death.” It’s only when I see Celia
diving low I realize where she is headed. Part of me wants to stop
her, but I know we are about to have a conversation I’m really not
prepared for, and that is precisely what she is counting on. She
thinks that maybe if she hurls enough reality at me I’ll realize
the mistakes I’m making and change my course. She ought to know
better. Besides, I’m not even sure I know what my course is at
present.

At the stretch of trees just
ahead, Celia drops lower and finally lands us both at the cemetery.
Beyond the copse of trees, I see lots of headstones, but only one
of them catches my eye. My “sister” drags me toward it.

It’s only when we stop in
front of it that she releases me. “This is why you have to let the
past go, Lev. If this isn’t an important enough reason, I don’t
know what is.” She gestures toward a medium-sized grey stone with
my name and the “dates” of my existence on it. There’s a vase for
flowers, and someone has settled a bouquet of scarlet roses in it.
The flowers appear fresh and composed, as if someone has been here
recently.

It’s strange to see there is
a very human grave for me because I’m not human. Still, I know it’s
part of the deception so people won’t realize we walk among
them—that, and it is probably one of the only ways Elizabeth could
handle that kind of a loss.

That thought strikes me
hard, and I grit my teeth, trying to re-steady myself as an image
of her kneeling before this grave, weeping, assaults me. It doesn’t
take much to transform her features with grief, not when I’ve seen
that kind of pain on her face.

I told my arms across my
chest, and that’s when the realization hit me. “You did this
because of Elizabeth, didn’t you?”

“
Bingo!” Her tone is loud
and angry. She paces a small circle around me and finally lets out
a disgusted sigh. “No, I wasn’t thrilled with Evan’s plan, but
between you trying to fly to the Lower Realm, half-cocked and not
thinking, and her falling apart down there, none of us had a
choice. You didn’t even have that human body anymore. You were
forced from it when it died, so it’s not like you could have come
to her and made things easier by just appearing.”

She shuts her eyes, allowing
her chaos to rapidly spinning out of control, too. “It’s not that
either of us was hard-hearted. We saw the misery for what it was,
and none of us wanted things to end the way they did, but there
were two options—your “death” or hers. Would you really have wanted
it to end differently, like last time?

I stiffen, still staring at
my headstone. “Of course not. She wasn’t even supposed to die that
time, Celia. I failed her because I didn’t know she’d chosen as
much.”

Celia steps up to me as a
slight breeze toys with her curls. “And how could she not, Lev?
Even in that lifetime, you were everything to her, and she knew
that if you died, you wouldn’t come back. At least this way, the
cycle would repeat and some version of her would have a chance to
be with to you once again.”

I turn away from the stone
and stare up at the heavens. “There has to be another way—a chance
to make this right.”

Celia walks around me and
sets a hand on my shoulder. “Time will make this bearable. That’s
all you’ve got.”

I jerk free and glare at
her. “That’s not an answer, Celia. It doesn’t matter that she’s
only beginning her life and that lifespan is only fifty to
seventy-five years. She’ll
feel
me missing for the rest of the time she’s
breathing. And me, how long am I going to exist? Years beyond her
lifetime, and yet you want me to just let her go and back away from
this? It doesn’t work like that.”

Now I’m the one pacing. My
breathing is too fast, and the chaos consumes me so completely I
can’t think straight. All thoughts lead back to
Elizabeth.

I whirl back to her. “This
isn’t either of our faults. God wanted me to learn compassion and
love for humans. And I have. But this…this is the result. Why is
that right? I liked it better when I felt nothing!”

I stride away, expecting she
will follow, but she doesn’t. Still, that doesn’t mean I feel
alone. The past is always with me, and so is Elizabeth. I’ve never
known regret, but this is something I deeply regret because perhaps
had I not loved her, she would not hurt like this. Nor would
I.

Without thought, I fly back
to Elizabeth’s house. I make myself blend enough so I can slip
through the door and into the house. As I enter the living room,
Jimmie is packing boxes. Moving is probably his way of trying to
help Elizabeth deal with all this, but knowing her as I do, I don’t
think a change of scenery is going to make any of this easier.
Still, at least he’s trying something.

He’s shoving books in boxes
as I stand there, hovering near him, aware that while Jimmie is
pretty observant, even if I didn’t blend as well as I should, he
wouldn’t believe in me. For Jimmie, there is a very deliberate line
between what exists and what doesn’t. Unfortunately, that isn’t
always a good thing, but right now, I’m considering it a
blessing.

From upstairs, we both hear
the screaming, and it doesn’t take much to figure out Elizabeth is
having another nightmare. The fact she’s sleeping in the middle of
the day is far from comforting as well.

While I could easily beat
Jimmie, I also know there isn’t anyhing I can do to comfort her, so
there’s no point in worrying about getting there first. By the time
I reach her doorway, Jimmie’s already draped his arms around her
and tucks her head just below his chin. His face is red, probably
from all the emotions he’s working so hard to restrain, and
together, both of their bodies slowly rock back and forth as he
makes comforting sounds, trying to quell her tears.