Covenant (17 page)

As I think about all the
feelings I experienced at the cemetery and how debilitating they
were, I realize just how strong an argument Sarah has in hating me
and how much I have failed her; I was the one who was supposed to
protect her. I just wish I could remember.

“
Is there is no way to make
amends for this? No way to fix it?”

“
There are things which
can’t be fixed, Lev.” She folds her arms across her chest. “You
above all should know this.”

She’s right. I know she
is
.

Jayzee suddenly slips in
though the sliding glass door. She looks from me to Theresa, and I
feel there’s an unspoken message between the two I can’t decipher.
Instead of saying anything, she walks through the kitchen and into
the hallway toward the bedroom where I assume she stays.

“
And have I offended Jayzee
as well?”

Theresa takes a deep breath
and finally nods. “Same story, different verse, I’m afraid. You are
not like other angels, Lev. You are not particularly prone to the
emotional chaos. You didn’t need shielding as much as others have,
which is probably what caused you to end up in this whole Elizabeth
situation to begin with. You’ve never really had much use for
humans.”

While I may not remember a
lot of things, that particular point is familiar, and I feel a
flush creep into my cheeks. No, I’m not human, but this corporeal
body still reacts in very human ways sometimes. And this poor
reaction to humans is something I wish I could take back, but
nothing can ever be taken back, even for angels.

“
So I didn’t teach Jayzee,
either, I take it?”

“
No.”

At this point, I’m trying to
figure out why in the world I was ever put in charge of teaching
other angels to sojourn when it seems like I barely knew what I was
doing most of the time. Why make me a sojourner with such an
attitude toward those I was supposed to be delivering?

But, really “why” doesn’t
matter. All that matters is the damage done, what I can change, and
what I can’t.

Therese stares at me. “So
why exactly are you here, Lev? Did something else go amiss? Is
there something else you need?”

Reluctantly, I finally nod
and say, “Yes, there is something else I want to ask you.” I take a
deep breath. “I know there are many things beyond changing, but I
wondered if perhaps there might be a way you could change
things…make them more bearable for Elizabeth.”

Theresa’s eyes widen as she
takes in my request. “Have you talked to Evan about this? I mean,
he’s probably got more tricks up his sleeve than I. He’d be more
likely to know how to help you.”

I shake my head. “Evan and I
aren’t really talking about much right now. I know everything he
has done has been on my behalf, but this—this isn’t something he
would understand, and I don’t know what to tell him about it. I
know what I feel, and I know what’s right, but there’s a breakdown
somewhere.”

She nods, carefully
considering my words. “Okay, just to be clear, what exactly are you
wanting?”

Elizabeth’s face pops into
my mind, and I see her tears glittering in the fluorescent
lighting. It’s not something I can fix.

“
I want to be able to ease
Elizabeth’s pain; I don’t know if there is any way she’s going to
be able to do this unless I find some way to wipe myself from her
memory.”

Theresa laughs, but it’s
hard and brittle. She really can’t believe I’m asking what I’m
asking. “You want me to me to do a memory wipe on a
human?”

I nod. “It’s the only way.
You haven’t seen her. She’s distressed. She’s not functioning well
at all, and it’s my fault. Unless there is some way to go back in
time and extract myself from her life before she ever met me, this
is the only way to help her. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t
sit back and watch her life fall apart because of me.”

“
Have you tried speaking to
Elizabeth?”

My body tenses up, starting
with my shoulders. “I can’t do that. She thinks I’m dead. Appearing
in another corporeal form is going to be problematic at best. I
can’t abandon my duties to be with her, and I know that’s what she
wants. I wish there were a way to undo…all of this.”

Theresa stares straight
ahead like she’s thinking again, and I don’t say anything because I
really want her to think up something good that will end this
misery for Elizabeth. There isn’t anything that will end it for me.
I don’t want to forget her. I will find a way to live with the
pain, but she shouldn’t have to do that.

At that moment, I realize
what Evan was trying to do for me, and I know it was good. It just
didn’t take because there was no forgetting the changes Elizabeth
had made in me. There’s only this life she was in, and I was
blessed. I know that now. Without her, I would never have learned
to love humans and known just how wonderful they can be.

“
Do you have a clue what
you are asking for?” Theresa asks. “We do not meddle in the affairs
of mortals. It just isn’t done.”

Unable to take the chaos
building within me, I rise. “Don’t we? What about the guardians?
Don’t they change things?”

“
You and I are not
guardians, Lev. We are sojourners, and changing the affairs of
mortals isn’t our task. I’m sorry.” She leans back into the
sectional, a frown at her lips.

“
Okay, so
you
are not willing to do
this. I understand that. But can it be done?” I’m speaking faster,
more desperately than I would like as I struggle with the idea of
the rest of my life being like this—and the rest of Elizabeth’s
life being filled with the pain and brokenness my being there has
caused. I knew I should have intervened the first go-round. If I
had, her life would not have kept replaying itself.

And we would never have
fallen in love.

There is a price for
everything, not just for humans but also for angels, yet Elizabeth
is paying for my transgressions. I can’t bear that.

“
I am not as old as some,
and I know Evan would have the answers you seek.”

I jerk around, feeling as
though I’m going to go mad if she mentions Evan’s name just one
more time. “Evan won’t even speak of my past, and you want me to go
to him and admit my memory has returned despite his best efforts
and ask him how to fix this?” I shake my head. “He feels that by
erasing my memory he
has
fixed everything.”

Theresa nods, and I’m
beginning to hate the placation I feel from her. Still, I wait.
“Memory reversal isn’t something I can do, Lev. But there are some
guardians who may. Kane is one. Perhaps I can find out more from
him.”

At once, it seems an
incredible weight has been lifted. No, it isn’t the answer I am
searching for; it’s not a promise everything will be fixed. But it
is something I hope to happen is still possible. I may yet be able
to restore Elizabeth to the place she was before.

“
When will you
know?”

She shrugs. “I can talk to
Kane tonight and give you an answer tomorrow.” She stands. “Will
you be staying here tonight?”

I’m tempted to say yes, but
I’m also pretty sure that since Evan and Celia are both well aware
of my difficulty with sojourning, they would probably come looking
for me if I failed to return to the Upper Realm. It’s just a hunch,
but I know them pretty well, no matter what else I may have
forgotten.

“
No, I think I’ll probably
return to the Upper Realm. Both Evan and Celia are a bit worried
about my inability to sojourn at present.”

“
All right. Come back
tomorrow, and we will talk things over to see if Kane has any
insight that might help you get through this.” She walks over to
me, gives my arm a squeeze, and slips into the kitchen.

Drawing a deep breath, I
slip outside and start into flight when I spot Celia standing a few
yards away, her light blue eyes watching me
meticulously.

“
Celia?” I call for her,
wondering how much she knows of what I am intending, and though
part of me wants to ask why it should matter, I know better. It
should matter because if she warns Evan of my intentions, I’m not
sure what he would do. Nor am I sure why I know Celia won’t approve
of my company these days. It’s just a feeling, but I sense by the
chaos swirling within me the feeling is justified. I glance back at
the sliding glass door, checking to make sure Theresa isn’t to be
found before I talk to Celia.

“
Lev, what are you doing
here?” She steps toward me, glancing from me to the
door.

“
Visiting other
angels.”

“
Which other angels?” She
folds her arms across her chest stubbornly, and I feel a
disagreement coming on between us.

“
Does it matter? Am I not
free to associate with whomever I choose?”

“
Of course you are,” she
says, but her tone suggests something different as she keeps
watching the door, trying to figure out why I’m here, at this
house. In as much as she tries to see things, I try to block her as
best I can. Of course, that only irritates her all the
more.

“
How did you know where to
find me?” I ask, wondering if she heard any of the conversation
between Theresa and me. While I can’t really see Celia skulking
around a strange house, trying to eavesdrop, I also know everything
is still tilted out of balance, and there is so much more to learn
than I already know.

“
It wasn’t hard. I can
sense wherever you go.” While she is trying hard to mask her tone
and keep the chaos swirling inside her in check, her mouth is set
in a neutral line, and none of the emotions show. She looks from me
to the window, and her gaze lingers, and I turn and see Theresa
standing there, one hand resting on the glass.

“
You’re a fool, Lev. You
shouldn’t be here.” She grabs my arm. “Come with me.”

“
So it’s foolish to look
for the answers which have been denied?” I jerk from her grip as
Theresa opens the door, and I see Celia ready to fly, which only
solidifies my intuition that says there is some kind of negativity
between the group of angels I am with and the group Theresa is
with.

“
What is wrong with you?” I
ask. “Why are you in such a rush to fly away so rudely,
Celia.”

This time, she gives me an
icy glance. “Theresa isn’t my friend, Lev, and up until now, she
hasn’t been yours, either. Don’t kid yourself.”

“
Long time no see, Celia,”
Theresa says as she steps outside, her arms dangling at her sides.
It would appear she doesn’t quite know what to do with them. It’s
amazing how the tone she uses with Celia is so much edgier than the
one she uses with me.

Celia turns and levels a
glare her way. “Not long enough, Theresa. It’s never going to be
long enough.” Then Celia faces me. “You are a fool if you don’t
watch your step, Lev. Remember that.”

I start to answer, but she
doesn’t give me time before launching herself into the air. A
little voice inside me tells me I should go after her, but I just
can’t seem to make myself. I’m not ready to have that argument,
especially not before I get things straightened out with Elizabeth,
should that prove possible.

“
It seems Celia forgets
nothing,” Theresa says, stepping to meet me.

“
So what is it I have
forgotten?” I ask, scrutinizing Theresa’s features. I probe to see
whether the chaos is building within her, but she seems
undisturbed. It seems whatever bad blood is between the two of them
has not affected her.

She shrugs. “How would I
know? I restored as much of your memory as I found. Beyond that, I
do not know what you’ve lost.”

“
Celia seems to think there
is a negative balance between us as well. Is this true?”

She averts her gaze.
“Perhaps. There has been a lot of bad blood with how you dealt with
the sojourners in your guardianship, Lev. Celia was one of your
later protégés, so she doesn’t know what happened with the earlier
sessions. She doesn’t have a clue why Sarah and Jayzee would choose
to shun you, and they are my friends, so I’m guessing it’s a matter
of guilt by association instead of identity.”

It’s a simple answer, to be
sure and could rightfully explain the tension between the two, but
I still feel as though there might be more. Short of flying to the
Upper Realm and taking the heat from Celia, there is no way I’m
going to figure it out, and perhaps knowing wouldn’t be such a good
thing, after all, because I have to align myself with Theresa’s
faction for now if I have any hope of healing Elizabeth, so perhaps
it is better to go in blind.

Theresa watches until Celia
disappears altogether. “So are you still planning to go back to the
Upper Realm? If so, you’d better brace for Hurricane Celia. She’s
not going to just let this grudge war go.”

I shrug. “No, I’ll probably
just hang out here instead if the offer is still open.” For a
second, I think about having to be near Jayzee and Sarah. Talk
about uncomfortable. Still, I know it will be worse if I fly to the
Upper Realm and have to deal with Celia in this state of mind.
Given a few days, she might calm down.