Covenant (25 page)

Evan raises his hand to cut
me off. “Yes, he could dispense with Kane so quickly problems would
be eliminated before we even blinked. The trouble is that Kane
would leave a legacy of other angels—angels who might try to use
bitterness to get other angels to join him, and we would have
another uprising that would surely do much more damage than any of
us want to consider.”

My shoulders slump as I
realize that he’s got a point, no matter how badly I don’t want him
to have one and how much I liked it before, when things were in
black and white instead of all these shades of chaos I can’t seem
to rid myself of. “So for now, Kane just gets away with this
according to the triune? They won’t step in to help?” My whole body
starts to tense.

Evan sets his hand on my
shoulder. “Think about this logically, Lev. Don’t let chaos cloud
your judgment. For one thing, it would hardly be wise to call
attention to the dagger, especially considering its purpose. We
both know there are numerous angels who are doubtlessly close to
joining the ranks of the Fallen. The last thing Turnoc or the other
members of the Triune wish to accomplish is to give any reasons for
those angels to step toward such a fate and embrace it. We are all
in a delicate place, and one wrong move could start a battle I
don’t think any of us are ready to face.”

I start to argue, but the
more I think about it, the more I realize that he is right, even if
I don’t want him to be. Instead of responding, I start to the edge
of the Upper Realm, intending on heading back to the Lower Realm.
It’s been a little while since I’ve looked in on Elizabeth, and
even though I haven’t been with her, she’s never been far from my
thoughts. While I can’t change these affairs with the dark angels,
I can spend a few moments in her company, taking peace from her
proximity even if she doesn’t know it.

Evan catches my shoulder.
“Lev? Where are you going?”

“
To see Elizabeth.” I start
to shrug away, but he maintains his position.

“
There is no point in doing
this to yourself, you do realize that? Your time of guarding
Elizabeth is over. There is no reason for this now except to
torture yourself with all the things you can’t have, and that will
end badly. Look at what has happened up until now.”

I jerk harder to get away,
wanting so badly to say I might not have made those same choices
had my memories not been scattered to the wind. But, really, it is
neither here nor there. The past can’t be changed, and arguing with
Evan will only strain things between us again.

Finally I turn to him. “Is
it not enough that I must endure a life without her? Do you expect
me not to see her again, not to whisper in her room from time to
time to content myself with the knowledge she might have some small
chance at a normal life? What is wrong with that?”

Evan’s frown deepens.
“Because it will always remind you of what you do not have—what you
will never have again—and with that knowledge will only come
temptation, Lev. You will always be tempted to make yourself
visible to her, and that will end badly. You should not go there
anymore.”

I step back from him. “No.
You can’t ask me that. I have done everything I can in accordance
with a won’t my own. He asked me to learn to love humans, and I
did. I did so well, I can’t stop now. Whatever you might think I
should or should not do, this is none of your concern. It is my
right to see Elizabeth, if only for a few moments here and there to
tell me that she is safe, and that what I have sacrificed for her
is right.”

I dive into the ocean,
wondering if he’s planning on following. If he is, that’s fine. He
can’t force me away from her, and whatever else might come out has
no way to wound me as much as not seeing her would.

Anymore, knowing how to find
Elizabeth is second nature. I listen for the sound of her heart
beneath the rush of wind that carries me toward her. At present,
she isn’t at the house. Instead, I find her at the cemetery,
standing before my grave.

In one hand, she carries a
bouquet of cream daisies. Griffin stands next to her, one hand
resting on her shoulder, more to keep her upright than anything.
The sunlight isn’t kind to her. She seems thinner. She’s lost
weight, and her eyes are red from crying. Her lips open without
having words to say, and she appears fragile, as though at any
moment she’s going to fall apart, which is more than I can take. It
should not be this way. She should not hurt so much.

“
Are you going to be okay?”
Griffin asks. “You look kind of…tired.”

No, that’s not how she
looks, but he’s trying to be diplomatic for her sake.

“
I’m fine,” she finally
says, staring at my headstone as a breeze rubs leaves against each
other softly, just one of many songs nature sings, not that
Elizabeth is listening. All she can focus on is the pain welling up
inside, stealing her breath. “Besides, it’s not like there is
anything you or anyone else can do, Griffin. No one can bring him
back.”

He nods, and I feel the
chaos and pain from him. While once I thought he was in love with
Elizabeth, those emotions have changed. He cares for her, yes, but
it’s not about loving her in a romantic sort of away. It’s about
trying to watch over her and keep her safe because she is close to
him and he can’t bear the thought of anything happening.

“
I’m sorry, Lizzie. You
will never know how sorry I am and how much I wish I would have
gotten there sooner so you wouldn’t be standing here with this hole
in your heart. I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head slowly.
“It’s not your fault, Griffin. It’s not about getting there faster.
I think things would have unfolded like this. It was meant to
happen, and nobody could change that.”

I walk around them, trying
to tell myself everything will be all right, that even if she saw
me it wouldn’t relieve her pain. No, there is no way of knowing
that, but I have to believe something. I can’t do this without
finding a way to make it okay.

“
Lizzie,” Griffin starts to
say, trying to step in front of her so she will have to look at
him, but she waves him to silence.

“
Don’t.” Her eyes glisten
with tears, and even though she keeps blinking, they flow down her
face in two glittering streams. “He’s dead, and he’s never coming
back. Somehow I have to face this, and I’m trying. I really am. I
just miss him like crazy, and I feel like half my heart has been
ripped out of my chest.”

Tears fill my own eyes, and
the chaos within her threatens to overwhelm me as well. There are
many things I can withstand, and before I’d fallen in love with
Elizabeth, I could have handled a scene like this. But this isn’t
just about someone who died. It’s about me, and I’m right here, two
steps away from her, watching the path of destruction my
involvement in her world has left, and it’s tearing me
up.

All roads have led to
this.

She wipes the tears from her
face and asks, “Could you give me a few moments alone? Jimmie and I
have packed up most of the house, and I don’t know if I’ll make it
back to the cemetery before we hit the road for Tennessee. Jimmie’s
found this little bitty town called Tellico Plains. He thinks it’s
just the ticket to help me forget Lev. He doesn’t realize there is
no forgetting Lev—not now, not ever.”

Griffin nods and points to
the bridge. “Sure. I’ll wait in the parking lot.”

“
Thanks.” She watches him
leave and turns back to the headstone. My headstone.

I could show myself. Right
here and now. I could let Elizabeth know that no matter how much
pain she feels it’s not for nothing. I haven’t died. I’m still
here. I can still see her. I can reach out and touch
her.

But even if I do that, it
just means we have to part again and adjust to that loss over and
over, which is something I just don’t think either one of us can
manage. I shut my eyes and try not to question why it has to be
this way. I know it won’t matter, even if I do understand the
reason behind this. Nothing will make that easier.

Besides, I remember the last
time she thought she saw me when Kane was toying with her. She’s
not strong enough for the push and pull of my supernatural
existence, and it wouldn’t be fair to keep throwing her in the
middle, especially with Kane on the loose. There’s no telling what
he will do, so I just need to keep an eye on her between my
sojourning duties. If I can do nothing else, at least I can keep
her safe. That has to count for something. It just doesn’t ease the
ache blossoming inside of either of us.

More tears flow down her
face as she slowly sets the flowers in the vase by the headstone,
her fingers gently spreading the blossoms out to give the bouquet a
fuller appearance. Then, once she’s satisfied with how they look,
her hand inches out and touches the marble headstone, tracing the
grooves in my name and the dates of my corporeal
existence.

“
I don’t know where you
are, Lev. I thought by now you’d come back to me.” Her hand
trembles as she slowly moves it from the headstone to the new tears
she hasn’t been able to blink back.

I move nearer, and without
thought, I set my hand on her shoulder. I don’t know why. I’m
thinner than air, and she can’t feel me, yet I need to.

“
Lev?” Her voice is soft,
and she reaches up to her shoulder. Without realizing it, her hand
rests atop mine, and for that moment, even though she doesn’t know
it, we are joined. She frowns, her mouth shifting to a determined
grimace.

I know she thinks that’s
where I must be. Knowing I’m an angel doesn’t help her sort out
what happens to our spirits after we shed the flesh houses we’ve
lived in. This is all she has left. I’m no more real to her now
than the whisper of wind against leaves.

“
I know you feel alone, but
I will never leave you,” I say. It’s not that she can hear me. She
can’t. But I have to promise her because I can’t think of not at
least glimpsing her from time to time. My world will never be
complete without her.