Covenant (12 page)

I sit up and scan the room,
trying to re-orient myself to strange surroundings. That’s when I
remember lying down on Theresa’s couch to restore my inner
balance.

I don’t see anyone else; I
could go snooping around, but I just don’t feel right poking around
another angel’s crash pad while she’s on assignment. Besides, I’m
not sure how comfortable I am around Theresa and the others. The
only reason I took her up on the offer to rest was that I knew the
other option was going back to the Upper Realm and I’m sure either
Evan or Celia would have tracked me down. Probably both. In the
Lower Realm it’s harder for them. If they really want to find me,
it’s not impossible, though. I just have enough time to get away
from here before they figure I’m here.

I rise from the couch before
slowly padding through the room and out the back door into a night
as filled with stars as it can be. It’s beautiful, haunting, and
mesmerizing.

As I bend to launch into
flight, I close my eyes, preparing. That’s when the image finds
me—the one of me flying with Elizabeth in my arms, her long, dark
hair flowing over my shoulder and down my back. Her eyes are shut,
and she’s enjoying the feel of the wind on her skin. Her lips are
parted as though my name rests there, and in that moment, I find
the peace that has been eluding me.

“
Elizabeth,” I whisper. In
the image, she turns to me and smiles. That’s when I force my eyes
open. In that instant, I feel the peace vanish completely and I
stumble to my knees.

I can’t do this. It hurts in
a way that shouldn’t, leaving me doubled over and gasping as the
world spins madly around me.

“
Lev? Is that you?” Theresa
rushes down the steps and comes to me, setting her hand on my
shoulder. “Are you all right?”

“
I’m fine,” I try to shrug
her hand away, but she resists.

“
I thought getting some
rest would take care of the internal battle you’re fighting. I
guess I was wrong.”

Nodding, I say, “I guess you
were.” Taking a deep breath, I force myself to my feet.

“
When you said you had some
kind of altercation with a mortal, I figured it was a problem, but
this—this is a disaster.”

“
Did you find out
anything?” I finally ask, trying to loosen the tension inside my
human body, yet I can’t seem to ease the chaos. It’s like the only
time I don’t feel it is when I’m with her. I’m never at peace
unless she’s with me, and that’s the one thing Evan seems to think
is my downfall. How is that possible?

Sensing that my balance has
been restored, Theresa slowly pulls her hand away. “Nothing yet,
but we’ve been working on it. Just give us a few days, and we might
be able to tell you something that can help.”

I rake my fingers through my
hair. “I just keep getting these flashes of memories, and I don’t
know what to do with them. I wish I did.”

Theresa brushes the hair
from her face. “Have you given any thought to the fact that Evan
might be right on this score, that maybe knowing the whole story
isn’t in your best interest.”

“
Are you joking?” I finally
manage once I realize that she’s serious. “How can it be in my best
interest not to know my past?”

Looking at the stars, she
blinks, her eyes softening. “Think of all the mortals we deal with,
Lev, and how many of them have regrets. Perhaps Evan has done a
kindness to you and wiped them all away.”

I glare at her. “Look, if
you don’t want to help, I get it, but I’m going to go digging
around even if you don’t think it’s in my best interest.” I start
to launch myself skyward when she catches me again.

“
I didn’t say hiding your
past was in your best interest. I just suggested it because I know
how Evan feels about you. That’s it. I’m still more than happy to
help, but you’ve got to have patience. Evan doesn’t let a lot of
things slip out, so I need to find what he knows and what others
might know as well. Of course, I am curious what you are going to
do when we are finally able to give you the information you want.
What if what we find isn’t something you can bear?”

I tug free of her arm.
“We’re dealing with a mortal, Theresa. Why couldn’t I be able to
live with it?” I grit my teeth to keep from saying anything
else.

“
Because your whole being
is off, Lev, whether you realize it or not. That mortal has some
kind of an effect on you; there’s no denying that. The question is
whether you can live with the why.”

“
I’d rather that than the
hole in my memory.”

She nods, her long, black
hair glossed by moonlight. “I can understand that, so I’ll do my
best to find what I can. Until then, perhaps you should have Evan
go on sojourns with you to keep from having a repeat today. You
aren’t shielding at all, and that’s only going to lead to
trouble.”

Folding my arms across my
head, I say, “No, thanks. I’d rather not let Evan in on this one. I
don’t want him to make a big deal of it.”

“
But, Lev, it
is
a big deal, and you
know it.” She stares at me.

“
That doesn’t mean he has
to know it, all right?”

She finally nods. “All
right. But that means you need to get in touch with me when another
sojourner call comes in, okay?”

I nod. “All
right.”

A silence lapses between us,
and that’s when I finally take off. From the sky, I look down at
Theresa, watching her grow smaller and smaller as I leave the Lower
Realm, not sure what I believe.

Chapter
Nine

By the time I get back to my
spot in the Upper Realm, Celia is already waiting. I can tell by
the way she is standing, staring out into space, watching for me,
she’s been waiting a while. She manages not to say anything until I
land. Her rigid posture suggests she’s restraining herself, that
she’s got a lot to say; it’s just a matter of where and when it’ll
come out. Unfortunately, I don’t think any of it is going to be
what I want—the truth.

I could try to make small
talk about how beautiful the stars are or something equally inane,
but she knows me, and she knows what I’m thinking. The only thing
she doesn’t know is where I’ve been. As much as I try to hide the
chaos within, I know she feels that, too. I wonder what she’s
thinking. I sense chaos within her as well, and I know that chaos
has something to do with me and my behavior.

“
Lev, where have you been?”
she asks finally, stepping toward me.

I turn away, staring at the
stars, looking into that beautiful sky. “Around,” I manage, trying
to keep my voice even.

“
How did your sojourn go?”
she asks. She tries to come around and look at me, but I stare
ahead, unwilling to meet her gaze; if our eyes lock, she’ll see all
the things I’m not willing to tell her, and I’m not ready for
that.

“
I struggled with it,” I
finally say, aware I have to be delicate in how I put
this.

“
Well, what does that mean?
Did the soul make it?”

“
Of course.” I stiffen,
knowing it’s not a lie. It’s just an… omission. “The soul got to
where it was supposed to.” This doesn’t tell her I failed; it
simply reveals that the mission was accomplished, and the way Celia
works is that if it is accomplished, it becomes just an item on a
checklist. Not that she doesn’t care about the soul. She does. But
she’s consummate about making sure things get done, and they get
done right. That’s what’s important.

“
You know, you could have
called for help.” She gives up on trying to look me in the eye and
stares out at the vast black blanket ahead. “The last thing Evan
and I want is for you to struggle. We just want things to get back
to the way they were.” She reaches to take my hand, but I refuse,
angered. I can feel the chaos building, the violence of it
reckless, and I need to get a grip.

I laugh, but it’s hollow as
I face her. “The way they were? That’s what you want? If that were
it, you would never have blocked my memory in the first place. I
know better.”

“
Don’t you trust Evan
anymore? He’s only doing this to protect you.” Her blue eyes are
hurt, and she quickly withdraws her hand.

“
I don’t know what to trust
or believe, Celia.” I try to gather my thoughts, but even if I
close my eyes for the briefest seconds, I see Elizabeth’s face, her
waiting eyes and yearning expression.

“
Where is this coming
from?” she asks softly and her gaze falls as she seems to sort
through her thoughts, trying to find something she’s misplaced.
Then her gaze slowly lifts. “Let me guess; you’ve been approached
by other, more ‘helpful’ angels, right? They have been helping you
with sojourns and stuff?”

I take a step back, anything
to put distance between us. “Of course not,” I snap.

“
Really?” She impatiently
shifts her weight to the other foot. “’Cause I can tell you aren’t
acting like yourself, Lev—not by a long shot.”

“
Well, maybe that’s because
I don’t know who I am, Celia. And whose fault is that?”

“
Levying blame isn’t going
to help. You know how that works with mortals.” She takes a deep
breath, and I can tell she’s trying to keep calm amid all the chaos
within us both.

I know she’s right, but that
doesn’t help. It doesn’t make me feel any better. “I don’t
understand why my past requires such secrecy. Why can’t you just
tell me what it is I don’t remember? Maybe then I’ll
understand.

“
No, you won’t. I know you
won’t.”

I’d argue with her, but the
way her gaze is turned toward the ground, staring at
something—anything—except for me, tells me this point isn’t up for
debate. Then again, I don’t think she’s the one who decided for
things to go this way. That was Evan’s doing, so I’m probably
trying to persuade the wrong person.

“
So are you going to call
for me on the next sojourn or what?” she asks, and I can tell it’s
the “or what” that troubles her. The way she opens and closes her
mouth suggests there are things she wants to say but
can’t.

“
I don’t know.” I swallow
hard. “I think I’ll probably try to handle things myself. It’s
easier that way.”

She rubs her hands up and
down her arms. She acts like she’s cold, but I know that can’t be
because, really, there is no temperature here. It’s just stillness
and quiet, and both of those give me way too much time and
opportunity to think.

“
That’s part of your
problem, Lev. You seem to think you need to do anything and
everything alone, but you can’t accomplish what you need to by
yourself all the time.”

I rake my fingers through my
hair. “And how else am I supposed to handle it when you both keep
things from me I should know? All I’m asking is why is Elizabeth
Moon so significant. She’s a human. I should not feel this
way.”

Celia’s eyes soften, and,
if I’m not mistaken, I see tears in them, which is a really bad
sign because if Celia’s crying, something
has
gone drastically wrong—something
that she can’t control and Evan can’t fix.

“
You want the truth?” she
finally asks. “But at what cost? Don’t you see that’s what we are
hiding from you? There are things you can’t imagine—or couldn’t
until Elizabeth. One day, you’ll know the truth. When you are ready
for it. But right now, you’ve just started to recover, and that’s
important. Try to focus on that for now.”

A hard laugh escapes me even
before I feel the anger cut through me. “Recover from what? I
overheard Evan say I suffered no real physical wounds.”

She shakes her head. “I’m
sorry, Lev. I can’t help you with this. One day you will
understand.”

She doesn’t wait for my
response but instead walks to the water’s edge and flies away,
leaving me to the night and images of Elizabeth Moon which refuse
to go away.

* * *

For a few days, there is
only this sense that things are spinning out of control. Every
night, I end up flying down to the Lower Realm and slipping into
Elizabeth’s room, watching her replay the same nightmare. Every
day, I realize I’m no nearer to answers than before. All I know is
any time I am in the Upper Realm, I feel Evan and Celia watching me
expectantly, not that I know what they expect.

And when I’m alone, I still
get these flashes of memory—images of Elizabeth I can’t explain.
Just as angels have a certain glow to them as they get older, the
images have a dusting of light to indicate how long I’ve had them,
and that is one of the things which troubles me about my amnesia.
Some of these memories of Elizabeth are much older than the teenage
girl I can’t seem to stay away from.

Nothing like being protected
from yourself, now is there?

Amid all this chaos, I can’t
help but wonder what my purpose is, considering I feel broken
beyond repair. I don’t even know how I managed to carry souls
before; I can’t seem to manage the chaos within when I try, so
there really is no point.

But if there is no point to
sojourning, what is there a point to? And if it is locked away in
my memory, surely there has to be a way to break it free. I’ve
almost given up on Theresa and Roberto’s attention to my problem
when Jayzee suddenly appears in front of the ocean one afternoon
when I’m just about to fly to the Lower Realm and check on
Elizabeth. I try not to be affected by her, but I am, and the chaos
gathering within her only makes me that much more
worried.