Broken (15 page)

To my surprise, she was able to tell her story easier, more fluently, after telling me about the rape. Like she was past the worst part.

But she did still seem very anxious. “Well, from that point on, for about a year, he came in and raped me every night that his wife wasn’t there. Which was pretty much Monday-Friday. Of course, when she came home on the weekends, and she did come home almost every weekend, thank god, he left me alone. But, when she returned to work on the following Monday, it would start over again. Sometimes two or three times in the same night. I never wanted it, but I didn’t know what to do about it. And I didn’t get
pregnant because he forced me to take the pill soon after it all began.”

She was shaking again, and I was too. I looked down and saw that my hands were visibly shaking, and I imagined that my body was too. I was feeling so many emotions – hatred and rage for this man, sorrow for Scotty, and an overwhelming love and admiration for her. She was so strong to have survived this.

She continued. “Finally, I, uh, started telling people about it. I told my social worker about it, and some of my teachers. It was pretty obvious to me, however, that they didn’t believe me. I mean, this guy was so well-respected. He had tons of friends and admirers, and gave a fortune to charity. There was no way that he could be doing what he was doing.”

Another deep breath for her. “So, finally, I took matters into my own hands. I ran away. Just ran away. I found an abandoned car in a seedy neighborhood, and moved in. I lived in this car for an entire year, eating out of dumpsters, showering at the YMCA when I could, and picking up cans and bottles all day to get the money to feed myself. It was a shitty life, but infinitely better than living with Paul, I mean Sam.”

My admiration for her grew even more, exponentially. Her strength – in taking matters into her own hands, and surviving on her own on the streets – astounded me.

If I wasn’t truly, madly, deeply in love with her before, I was after hearing her story.

And I knew, right at that moment, that this was going to be the woman that I would spend the rest of my life with. If it was the last thing I did, I would make her my wife. And, unlike the first time I was married, I knew that I would be faithful to Scotty. I just knew that.

She took a deep breath. “So, you see, Nick, I was, uh, used by Sam for a year. He saw me as nothing more than a plaything. An outlet. I can’t get involved with somebody who doesn’t see sex as being connected to love. I have had a very difficult time being around any guy except Jack. I, uh, have never been on a date. And, I have never willingly had sex with anybody. I really don’t know if I am capable of being intimate with somebody. I might never be. But it will take a lot for me to learn how to trust. And, I, I, I, don’t think that I would be able to trust you.”

My heart sank, but only briefly.
Yes, it will be more complicated to get Scotty to trust you enough to give her heart to you.
But I knew that it was what I not only wanted, but needed, to happen. I suddenly couldn’t see myself being interested in anybody else but her.

But how would I ever convince her of this? I knew that I had to be perfectly honest with her about my past, and, suddenly, I was the one who was feeling vulnerable and anxious.

“Scotty,” I said. “That story touches my heart. You don’t know how profoundly you have touched me. I wish that there were words that I could express that would make you believe that I won’t be the man that I was to you. If that makes any sense at all. You’ve captivated me as no woman ever has. I haven’t been the greatest guy in the whole world. I’ve slept with way too many people, and I know that I’ve broken more than few hearts along the way. But, you have to believe me, I am ready to give it all up for you.”

She looked doubtful, to say the least. “I wish that I could believe you. But, I think that I’ve gone through enough tragedy in my life. Loving somebody who is fickle, and who will leave me when he is tired of me, would just devastate me. I’m really sorry, Nick, but I just can’t take that chance.”

“Scotty, what words can I use to convince you that you’re different for me? That I won’t treat you callously? That you are special to me, like nobody has ever been?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think that you can convince me of that. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just need an excuse not to get close, because I’m afraid of intimacy, more than you will ever know. I don’t know. But I do know that it is just safer for me if you and I keep our relationship strictly professional from now on. It’s going to be difficult to do for me, because I am madly in love with you already. I had a crush on you from the very first day of class, and I think that I fell in love with you with that kiss in the car. And I know that, if there ever came a time when we actually made love, I would be lost. Past the point of no return. If you left me after that happened, I literally don’t think that I could survive it. So, please. Please find somebody who isn’t as broken as me. Because I don’t think that you would have the stomach for somebody like me. Nobody would.”

“I’m not going to give up, Scotty. I know it might be sudden, but I know that you’re the one for me. And, just for the record, I’m probably as broken as you.” As soon as I said that last part, however, I regretted it. She had just opened up to me, but I somehow couldn’t do the same right now with her. I hadn’t talked about my feelings about my own tragedies with anybody, not even Ryan. He knew about them, of course, but even he didn’t know how much they had affected me.

She looked at me quizzically. “You’re broken too?” She was interested in this. “You seem to have it all. How could you be broken too?”

I just got quiet for a few minutes, and then said “Well, sometimes looks can be deceiving. Anyhow, we aren’t talking about me. I need to know how I can make you trust me never to hurt you. Tell me what I need to do.”

She put her head down, and said “There really isn’t anything. I’m sorry. I might not have much of a life, outside of Jack and my school. But that life is safe for me. You are not. You’re the very antithesis of safe. You have the ability to really send me reeling. It took me a long time to recover from Mr. Johnson. But if I get involved with you, and I turn out just to be another notch in your bedpost…well, I don’t think I would recover from that.”

It was then that I knew that I needed to give her time. I wasn’t going to give up. I just had to do what I could to slowly get her to know that I was in love with her, enough that I knew that I would be faithful. For the first time in my life. Because she was special. Truly special.

I took a deep breath. “Okay then Scotty. I probably can’t convince you right now. But I’m not giving up. You’ll soon see how I feel about you, and that I will never hurt you. I don’t know how I’m going to convince you of this, but if it takes me the rest of my life, I
will
convince you. I love you, Scotty. I’m in love with you. I don’t say that. Ever. I’ve been married, and I never once told her that I was in love with her, because I wasn’t. I know that you have no reason to believe me when I tell you that this is the first real time that I have ever been in love, but it is.” Of course, I didn’t tell her about Iris. I was in love with her, too, but Iris was so off-limits for me that it wasn’t real. I couldn’t really act on my feelings for her, ever.

On the other hand, I could act on my feelings with Scotty. I could spend my life with her, making sure that she was happy every day. That was the reality, and since I could have Scotty, I knew that my feelings for her were genuine.

And I would take my time making sure that she knew it too.

Chapter 28

Scotty

So, Nick had
just left my apartment, and I was feeling so empty and devastated that I couldn’t even stand it. I wished that I had never gotten to know him. It was fine for me when he was the professor that I dreamed about every night before I went to sleep. But, as soon as he became a reality, it all became too terrifying to me. And, after I talked to Ryan, and I could sense that Ryan was trying very hard not to tell me how much Nick got around, I knew for sure. There was simply no way that I would allow myself to get involved with Nick more than I was. A couple of kisses, which was huge for me, would be as far as it went.

I cursed myself and my emotions as I lay on the couch. Schoolwork was piling up. I was always so diligent with it before – studying and researching in my free time, taking great care with my design projects, and just generally being a conscientious student. Now, it seemed that Nick took up all my mental energy, and I could see myself falling behind. Falling behind was something that couldn’t happen. If I was going to ever have anything in my life, I had to make sure that I got my master’s degree. I could just be happy being a really good architect, and create projects that people love around the world.

I was losing hope that I ever would have a normal relationship with a man, so my career would be the only thing that would sustain me.

So, in a way, I started to panic a little. I couldn’t have Nick, yet my mental energy was so focused upon him that there was a real chance that I would fall behind to the point where my grades would suffer. I always got straight
As, and getting straight As was important to me. Yet, I worked hard for my grades. Lately, I hadn’t been working very hard at it. I might end up with some Bs and Cs, and that would devastate me even more.

I just had to put Nick out of my mind. I had to put my nose back to the grindstone and power through it. Who knows? Maybe it would help me get over my feelings for this elusive man.

Which is what I did. I turned off the television and got right to work, and, after a few hours, I was feeling better about myself again. That was, until Jack got home from his job at the bakery.

“Love, so, tell me, tell me. Have you heard from your dream man today?” he asked me as he got into the apartment and put threw
his coat and hat on the sofa. “I’ll get that later,” he said, motioning to the garments that he just threw off.

I got up and took his hat and coat and hung up the coat in the coat closet and threw the hat on the rack we had in the closet. “Uh, yeah,” I said, sitting down with him on the couch. “Yeah, he, uh, came over for awhile.”

“So, tell me. When’s the wedding? And can I be your candlegirl? I’ve always wanted to do something like that.”

“Jack, if I ever got married, you’d be my guy of honor. Or whatever they call men who stand up for women at a wedding. But you would be waiting a long time for something like that to happen.”

Jack looked at my suspiciously. “Why do I get the feeling that you did something really stupid when Nick came over here?”

I said nothing,
but just looked down at the coffee table.

“Scotty Marie. Did you cut Mr. Dreamboat loose? Because, if you did, I swear to god, I’ll…”

He didn’t finish that sentence, but just raised his eyebrow and got up to make both of us a drink. He came back, and handed me a vodka and water, and said “ok, out with it. What happened?”

I took a deep breath. “Well, I got to thinking about Nick and Portia.”

“Portia….De Rossi? What does she have to do with anything?”

“No, Portia from the
Merchant of Venice.
” I rolled my eyes. “Please let me finish. Anyhow, Portia is the woman who Nick slept with at the firm. It was obviously casual for him, by the way that he treats her. And, to tell you the truth, when I found out about it, I didn’t think twice. I mean, at that time, I didn’t think that Nick was interested in me. Then, with the two kisses, I realized that he was unmistakably interested in me, so I started to think about Portia again.”

“Oh
good god, I think I know where this is going. But, please, go on with your story.”

“So, I called Ryan to ask him a few questions about Nick. And I could tell, I could sense, that Ryan was trying hard not to tell me that Nick, um, sleeps around a lot. And when I asked Ryan if I could trust Nick, he was silent for a long time and then he just barely said the word ‘yes.’”

Jack was now looking at me like he wanted to slap me, or pour my drink over my head like he did before. “Go on, Scotty,” he said, sipping his vodka.

“Well, Nick came over today. I guess he wanted to mitigate the damage, so to speak. And I, um, told him about my history. I wanted to explain why I didn’t want to get involved with somebody who treats sex so casually.”

“Oh, god, you didn’t. You didn’t cut him loose. Please tell me you didn’t. I mean, this guy is so perfect and so into you. He’s the first guy that you have ever let get close to you. And you just threw him overboard like a smelly homeless guy in a crowded lifeboat.” Jack shook his head. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

“I know, Jack. But I had to do it. I couldn’t get in too deep with this guy. He’s too…desirable. You know, he gets women flocking all over him all the time. And he doesn’t take sex very seriously, apparently.” I shook my head. “No, Jack, he’s just too risky for me.”

Jack said nothing, but just sat there sipping his drink. But I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that he was pissed.

“What?” I asked him.

“Scotty Marie. Don’t you think it would be better if he would, you know, actually do something to screw you over before dumping his ass?”

“Pre-emptive strike,” I said. “If it got to that point, and he continues with his sleeping around ways, then I would just be devastated.”

“If ifs and buts were candies and nuts, we’d all have a merry fucking Christmas.”

I just sighed. “Jack, don’t you understand why I had to tell him that we could only be professional from now on? Besides, that Portia has my number as it is. Nick and I become an item, and she will declare out and out war.”

“Excuses, excuses. Now, Scotty, I’ve not said anything to you yet about how you are so closed off and how you’re going to end up alone. But that’s what’s going to happen. This was the best prospect that you have ever had, and you’re dropping him like a bad habit. That’s not right. So what if he has a sexual past? Most of us do. You know I do, girl, and you know that I’m one of the biggest man-whores around. I’ve had more tricks than Houdini. But if I found Mr. Right, I’d be settled down and not look at any other guy ever again.”

I knew what he was saying was right. That I couldn’t judge a guy just by his past. But I couldn’t put my heart out there when I knew that there was a good chance that it would break.

I was doing the right thing in not letting Nick in.

At least that was what I told myself.