Broken (11 page)

Chapter 19

The next day, Ryan left to go and meet his people and see Nat and Nate, and it was time for “Operation Scotty” to begin. Now that I had a pretty good idea of what was going on with her, I needed more guidance on how to go about pursuing her. I could read books about sexual abuse survivors, but I wasn't sure what they would tell me that I didn’t already know. Having known Ryan almost my entire life, I was able to see, first-hand, what sexual abuse can do to a person. Scotty, to my knowledge, wasn’t into drugs the way that Ryan was, but I was quite sure that her wounds ran deep.

Of course, I had no idea exactly what had happened to her, only that Ryan was pretty sure that something did. And, one thing about Ryan, he had a keen way to read people, and he was almost always spot-on. So, I trusted his instincts about this.

Did she have a close friend? I didn’t even know. That would be the best thing, find a trusted friend of hers and find out more about her. Because I felt like I was flying blind.

I thought about it, then decided to invite Scotty over for dinner, and ask her to bring a friend. Then get to know the friend, and maybe get the friend alone at some point and ask the friend more about her. That would at least give me a road map on where to go and how to approach the situation.

I would be seeing her that evening in class. That would be when I would ask her to dinner the coming weekend and see what happened. Plus, she was interning at the firm the next day. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays were her days there, and she worked seven hours a day when she was there. So, two opportunities to ask her out.

So, I taught my class and she slinked it at the last second, as she usually did. I found myself catching my breath and could feel my heart pounding every time she walked in the room now. When she came in that evening, I had already started my lecture, and I lost my train of thought for a second. She looked embarrassed, and I smiled to myself. She was such a sweety.

“Ok, so Le Corbusier studied the design of cities and…..” I said, then saw Scotty coming in. “Uh, Le Corbusier, uh,” I stammered around before recovering. Losing my train of thought in a Le Corbusier lecture? That would be like a professor of classical philosophy losing his train of thought in a lecture about Aristotle.

After the lecture, I called her name before she could high-tail it out of there. There was one thing about Scotty – she usually tried to sneak in and out of class these days. I had no idea why, but thought that it had something to do with her overall fear of being alone with me. As much as that hurt, I knew that it was also possibly a good sign. Ryan seemed to think that she was afraid of me because she had feelings for me. I hoped he was right.

“Ms. James,” I said, dashing from behind the podium. Since she sat at the back of the class, catching her attention was difficult.

She turned around, her books held tightly to her chest. She didn’t meet my eyes. She was dressed in baggy clothes, baggier than usual. Her blue sweater was around three sizes too big, and she was wearing large cargo pants that hung off of her tiny frame, along with scuffed Doc Marten combat boots. Her hair was up, and she was wearing glasses. I don’t think that she had a stitch of makeup on.

She was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

“Uh, Professor O’Hara, I’m so sorry I was late. I missed the subway that would have gotten me here on time. I’ll do better in the future.”

“That’s okay, Ms. James,” I said, addressing her formally because other students were loitering about, some of them wanting to talk to me. “Could you, uh, wait around for about fifteen minutes? I need to talk to you about some of your designs.”

She looked at me and she seemed startled. I surmised that she really thought that I wanted to talk to her about designs, and her naivete made me smile again.

Everything about her was making me smile these days.

“Sure, uh, sure. I’ll wait for you.”

Then she went into the hallway, and a stream of students came up to talk to me about certain points about the lecture they were unclear about. I always encouraged this, and welcomed it, because it was better that they get things cleared up while they could. So, even though my mind was on Scotty, and hoping that she didn’t leave, I had to make sure that I didn’t lose patience with any one of them.

Finally, after about twenty minutes of fielding questions from the students, I was able to get away. I went out into the hallway, and Scotty was standing there against a wall, not really doing anything. She was staring into space, biting one of her nails, with her books still held close to her chest.

“Hi, Scotty,” I said, and she jumped. “Sorry to startle you.”

I stood there close to her, breathing in her scent. She smelled of almond shampoo and some kind of inexpensive perfume. It was intoxicating, really, and then I started to feel myself getting hard.

Uh, oh.
That was a problem with me. There was never hiding when I was turned on, unfortunately. So, I discreetly put my bag, which held my lesson plans and slides, over the front of my pants.

She smiled. “Sorry. I was lost in thought. As usual.” She looked at me and took off her glasses and put them into her purse. She self-consciously touched a wisp of her hair and patted it, like she was nervous about how she looked. “You wanted to see me?”

“Yes,” I said. “I was wondering, um, if you and a close friend of yours would like to have dinner at my loft this weekend.”

She looked surprised. “Sure. Uh, does it matter who the friend is?”

“No. I just wanted to get to know you better. I mean, we’re working together, and people work better together if they know one another. And, I have the feeling that you aren’t entirely comfortable with me yet, which is why I want you to bring a friend over too.”

“Well, I think that can be arranged. My roommate, Jack, uh, I’ll see if he’s free. I’m free, I know that. But he works two jobs and auditions for plays and commercials all the time, so I never know when he is going to be able to do stuff.”

“Sure, sure. Well, I hope you two can make it.” Jack. A male roommate. I felt a keen sense of jealousy welling up, and tried to avoid that feeling. I hoped that I didn’t want to kick his ass when I met him.

“I hope so, too, uh, Nick. That would be very nice.”

Nice. An understatement.

I couldn’t stop staring at her. I knew that I was making her feel self-conscious, but I couldn’t help myself. She was so beautiful, so innocent, and so vulnerable. I knew that the word “vulnerable” was constantly on my mind, and it was overused, even in my thoughts. But she was. And I felt myself wishing that I never had to part with her again.

“Well, Scotty, uh…”

“I hate to cut you off. But I have to run.” She looked down on the ground, pulling her books ever closer to her chest. She traced her shoe on the floor. “I have to get home. I have a paper that I have to write that is due tomorrow.”

“Would you like me to drive you home?”

“That would be great, but I’m like way out of your way. That’s very kind of you to offer, though.”

“It isn’t a problem,” I said, perhaps a tad too anxiously. “I mean, I know that your apartment is out of the way, but it really isn’t a problem.”

“Tell you what. I’ll let you drive me to the subway station if you like.”

I felt disappointed. I wanted to be my usual impatient and demanding self, but that aggressive approach wasn’t called for here. Her little compromise was what I had to accept.

“Okay,” I said, “Well, let’s go and get my car and I’ll drive you to the station.”

“Thanks, Nick,” she said. Then I saw her take a deep breath, and she held out her hand.

It was my turn to be shy. I tentatively took the hand that she had offered to me. It was warm, but she was shaking wildly. I gripped it tighter, and the two of us walked along and out onto the sidewalk. We soon made it to my car, and I realized that I had no desire to let go of her hand. My own heart was pounding, as I gently touched her cheek, and opened the door for her. She got in, and so did I.

When I got back into the car, I immediately took her hand again, and I held it the entire way to the station.

The car ride was way too short.

We got to the station in just a few minutes, and she hesitated in the car for a beat.

I looked at her, and I felt an overwhelming, and I mean absolutely overwhelming, need to feel my lips on hers. So, I put my hand on her cheek, and I reached over and gave her a soft kiss. Her lips were smooth as a baby’s, and she had a faint taste of cinnamon, like she had been eating cinnamon candies. I tried to will myself not to get a hard-on, because that would not be welcome to either of us at that moment, but I couldn’t help it.

I felt that kiss down to my marrow, so I felt myself growing with each passing millisecond.

She kissed me back for a second or two, and then pulled away. Her face looked stricken, and her entire body was trembling. Her cheeks flushed scarlet, and there were tears in her eyes.

“Uh, Nick, uh, I’ll see you, uh, tomorrow,” she said, as she got out of the car and started walking rapidly towards the station. I sat there and looked at her for a few seconds, and then saw her come back. I got my hopes up that she was coming back to let me give her a ride home, after all, but it wasn’t that.

She rapped on the window, and I let it down.

“I’m so sorry. I was so rude. I forgot to thank you for driving me to the station.”

That gesture touched me, to say the least. Did I finally find a woman who appreciated the small things? Or who appreciated me at all?

With a smile on my face, I said “it was my pleasure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And she smiled, then turned and walked to the station.

I drove home with the biggest smile on my face ever.

Chapter 20

Scotty

Oh.my.god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I couldn’t breathe. At all. That was my first kiss, my very first kiss, and it was beyond words. There were no words to describe it. I had never felt like that in my entire life. Exhilarated. Terrified. On top of the world, yet like I was falling off a cliff at the same time. I felt all tingly, and I had a strange stirring in places that I never gave consideration to before.

Yet, there was the voice that was speaking loudly in my head, reminding me that it wasn’t my first kiss. It was just my first willing kiss. Mr. Lucas kissed me, although I refused to kiss him back. So it was nothing like what had just happened. But, nonetheless, the kiss with Nick brought up those unwelcome memories, so my exhilaration and elation immediately starting commingling with depression and fear.

Jack was working tonight. Was it at the bakery or the bar? I couldn’t remember. I only knew that I had to see him and tell him about what happened. There was just no way that I could go home right then. I knew that I had a paper due, so I had to concentrate on that as much as I could, but only after I talked to Jack.

I finally remembered that his job was at the bakery that night, so I went there to get myself a knish and talk to him. He was there, working the cash register, and his face lit up when he saw me. “Scotty!” he said. “What a nice surprise!”

“Jack,” I said, nervously, as the line was forming. “I need a knish, and I really need to talk to you,” I whispered. “Can you take a little break?”

“Sure,” he said. “If you can wait a sec, I’ll get somebody to relieve me after this crowd of people get what they ordered.”

I nodded my head, as I got my knish and sat down. I nervously got a newspaper that was there for the patrons to read for free, and tried to read. But I couldn’t read at all. The words were jumbled. I wondered if the entire world could see me and think that there was something wrong with me. My hands were still shaking like a wild woman.

You need to calm down right now,
I told myself.
You have a paper to write, and if you don’t get that in, there will be hell to pay.
Of course, if there were exceptional circumstances, the professor would allow papers to be turned in late, but I hardly thought that getting one’s first kiss would qualify as a special circumstance.

Finally, after what seemed like an absolute eternity, Jack was able to free himself and sit down and talk with me. “Scotty Marie, tell me what is going on,” he said, looking concerned. “You look really shaken. Did something happen with your brother or mother?”

I shook my head. “No. There have been no mother eruptions,” I said. As for Aaron, I really didn’t know. It was a topic that I willfully avoided, as I had to, if I was going to keep my sanity.

“Then what’s going on?” he gently asked.

“Um, Nick, he…” I started to wrap my napkin into a knot. “He…”

“He what? He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Jack looked like he was going to find Nick and kick his ass. “I’ll kill him. I will.”

I shook my head. “No, no. The opposite of that. He, uh, he, kissed me.”

Jack look briefly stunned, and then looked like he didn’t know if he should be happy or upset about it. “That’s a good thing, right? I mean, you like this guy, so that’s positive?”

I nodded my head. “Yes. It’s just that, well, it was my first real kiss. I liked it. I liked it a lot. A lot a lot.”

Then he broke into a huge smile. “Oh, Scotty, I wish I weren’t at work right now. Because you know I’d be shrieking like a little bitch right now. I’m so happy for you!”

I smiled and laughed a little, but the laughter was mixed with tears. “Oh, Jack, I never thought it could be like that. Kissing somebody. It was so….magical. And terrifying. I felt things that I never thought I could.”

“Stand up,” Jack ordered. I did, and he hugged me. “Baby steps, remember,” he said, while he hugged me. “This is the greatest thing ever.”

I nodded my head into his chest. “Do you think it’s possible, Jack? That I could have a normal relationship with somebody? That I could allow myself to fall in love?”

“Oh, Scotty,” he said, putting my face in his hands. “Girl, I hate to break it to you. But you already are in love.”

As my heart pounded wildly after he said that, I knew that he was right. I
was
in love with Nick. And, all at once, I was terrified, more terrified than I had ever been.

“What am I going to do, Jack? I, I can’t think about being intimate with him. He won’t want me. He’s going to want a woman he can, you know, do things with. Somebody normal.”

“Scotty Marie. I need to talk you down. Cart before horse, big time. He kissed you, that’s all. Baby steps, Scotty. Baby steps.” He kissed my forehead. “Now, are you going to have to talk to him about what happened to you? Probably so. He has to know that you’re special, in more ways than one. But if he is a good guy, he’ll understand.”

I took a deep breath. “That brings me to my next topic. Then I’ll let you get back to work. But he wants us both to have dinner at his loft in Tribeca.”

“Tribeca? Girl. You didn’t tell me he was wealthy.”

“You didn’t ask.”

“When?”

“I said I’d let him know which evening you’re free.”

“Saturday night. I actually don’t work Saturday night. I work tomorrow night, though, at the bar.”

“Will you go with me on Saturday night?” I asked, elated beyond words that Jack had a free evening.

“With bells on, baby. With bells on.” Then he clapped his hands. “Ooh, can I give you a makeover?”

“Sure,” I said. “If you’re going with me, you can do anything you want.”

“Oh, I can’t wait. I just can’t wait. We’re going to glam you up, girl. Glam you up.”

“Okay,” I said. “Just not too much. I don’t wear much makeup, anyhow. Maybe he won’t like it.”

He looked disappointed. “Okay, that’s true. I always wanted to get my hands on you, though. Then again, you don’t want to go over there looking like a tarted-up drag queen.”

I laughed at the image of me looking like a drag queen. “Yeah, I’m quite sure that he wouldn’t want me looking like somebody in one of your shows.”

He tousled my hair, and hugged me again. “Scotty, I’m so happy for you. You’re going to be normal. You’re going to be normal.”

I nodded. That was all I wanted, really. To be normal.

I prayed that he was right.