All New Letters From a Nut (21 page)

I give it to you if wou want. I always thought it should be in a museum. Or if you want to see a picture? Do you have a museum? Let me know.

Respect,

F. D. Nancy

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F. D. Nancy
14131/2 Kenneth Rd.
#193
Glendale, CA 91201

7/31/9

Dear F. D. Nancy
,

Thank-you for your letter. I do have a museum, most of the examples are online. They are stored safely. I’d love to include your moist towelette in my collection. The prospect is very exciting because it is the oldest! Please let me know how to best get it. Best regards, JB

phone# on back

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 N. Moorpark Rd. Apt #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Administrative Services
CHINOOK WINDS CASINO
1777 NW 44th
Lincoln City, Oregon 91367

Dear Chinook Winds Casino,

I want to set up my ham sandwich booth in your mens room. I will sell ham sandwiches in the restroom. People eat ’em up. Why not? Can you think of a better place to sell ham sandwiches. (i can not) Call me Ernesto when we first meet. It’s for me.

I believe when a man finishes using the restroom he would want a ham sandwich. If it were there. Why not have it there right for him? Huh? It’s an impulse buy that works 40% of the time.

This sign should be in the Mens Room mirror:
Yes! We Have The Potty Melt.
Forget about Ernesto. Call me Miguel. I need this.

When a man comes out of the stall he can buy a ham sandwich from my tiny booth. We have Virginia Ham. Try our sweetbread ham combo. Ask for a number 3. Please DO NOT request pineapple on your ham sandwich. I do not want to mess with this in the bath room.

Please tell me how i set up my ham sandwich booth in your mens room. I was told your casino was open to new opportunities in your mens rooms.

Also, can you tell me what office i would contact to request casino credit from Chinook Winds Casino? Thank you.

Sincerely,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Ted L Nancy
560 N Moorpark Rd # 236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Dear Mr. Nancy,

Your second request letter was forwarded to my attention. At this time all of our food purchases are made through local representatives in the food industry, such as American Food Services and SYSCO.

We thank you for your interest, but at this time we are not interested in putting any business in the restrooms. Our main function here at the facility is gaming. We also have 5 food outlets for our customers.

Again, thank you for considering us, but at this time we are fine. Good luck with your venture.

1777 N.W. 44th Street • Lincoln City, OR 97367 • (541) 996–5825 • FAX (541) 996–5852 • Toll Free: 1–888-CHINOOK

Full text of the above letter to follow.

560 N. Moorpark Rd. Apt #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Jobs Department
City of Kirkland
CITY PERSONNEL
123 5th Ave
Kirkland, WA 98033–6121

Dear Jobs Department;

I am looking for a government position. I have been a judge of cheese for 25 years in the private sector. While I like judging cheeses it is time to look for more. I have judged gouda and muenster and have a class B rating as a Brie magistrate. I WILL NOT judge Monterey Jack. I have judged cheeses in 11 states.

I also have scrap cheese for sale. Would the government be interested in this? This is 22,000 pounds of scrap Cheddar. (mild) Can be used for sandwiches. Goes good with ham sandwiches.