All New Letters From a Nut (19 page)

Hi Ted,

Thank you for your interest in our 1.800.VENDING Refreshment Center, the highest-quality, most-versatile, and best-designed combo vending machine available, and for your interest in our company, where you get lifetime, unlimited, post-sale support and assistance to help ensure your success and satisfaction for years and years and decades to come. I missed speaking with you today. You will really love this. You can click on the attachment to see more about the 1.800.VENDING Refreshment Center and our vending distributorship startup program.

You can click on the attachment to see our current pricing information. This unique promotion was scheduled to end on June 30 but has been extended through July 20, and carries a lifetime price lock in addition to discount pricing, and that lower price even includes locations; it is unique in that it combines 3 promotions (discount pricing, locations included, and lifetime price lock) all simultaneously so this is very, very significant. You will love our machine and you will love working with our company.

If you have not already done so, I highly recommend that you visit
http://www.1800vending.com
where our Web site will show you
“The 3 Things You Need To Know Before Giving Any Vending Company A Dime”
.

I would also be happy to answer any questions you might have. You can reach me at 1.800.VENDIMG (1.800.836.3464) or on my direct line below.

Review these emails, call those locating specialists, and call me with any/all questions (about us or any other company or machine out there).

I look forward to speaking with you again soon.

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F. D. NANCY
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

University Marketing & Communications
Jacksonville University
2800 University Blvd North
Jacksonville, FL 32211

4, Apr 09

Dear Jacsonville University:

I am confirming my appearance at your University for Saturday May 30, 2009. In my documentation from you I was told to contact you 6 weeks before to arrange particulars. A quality motel is fine as long as smoking and baking is available in my room. Syracuse University is a fine school. Coincidentally my neighbor’s friend who drives an ice cream truck graduated from there.

So you may set up my appearance, my act is: I am LORNE – THE MAN WITH THE HUGE STOMACH and I am a competitive eater. Although I am a tiny man (5 feet, 100 pounds alot of it is stomach) I eat large amounts of food in short periods of time. I have been featured on German Television: “TINY MAN EATING MACHINES”. Please put that in all flyers. I will eat 62 blueberry pies in 12 minutes. I have been sick only once. It sounds funny, but a student had to stand on my stomach and a stream of blueberry shot out after the 62nd pie. I can laugh about it now but believe me we don’t want that to happen again especially in your outdoor area under the hot sun in front of a lot of students calling for me to eat “one more pie” and break my own record. I will attempt 64 pies (2 more then record) at Syracuse University. Am I performing on the campus lawn? Please have the pies ALL blueberry, i must be clear on this as my last engagement the pies were mixed, some blueberry some boysenberry and i was ill back at my room. (Student on stomach, blueberry gush incident; will NOT pay for cleanup on walls)) I need to be held in tight with a truss or rupture belt.

I will a arrive Morning of May 30. Please tell me who I report to. Write me for measurements for rupture belt. Thank you.

Sincerely,

F.D. Nancy
LORNE – THE MAN WITH THE HUGE STOMACH

Full text of the above letter to follow.

J
ACKSONVILLE
U
NIVERSITY

A
DMISSIONS

April 20, 2009

Mr. F.D. Nancy
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your reminder of the Saturday, May 30
^th
appearance at our University. However, I must admit that I have not been included in on the planning for this grand event. We have had several personnel changes here on campus and I fear the pertinent details may be with someone who no longer works at the University.

Would you be so kind as to inform me of the previous arrangements and expectations? Who did you work with in the past? I have checked the campus calendars and do not see an event of this magnitude on the schedule.

Additionally, I searched the Internet to discover more about your amazing talent, but was unable to find any details. Would you be so kind to provide me with more information and/or links to where I could find more?

If you so chose, you could communicate with me via email at
[email protected]
.

Thank you,

Dr. Derek Hall
Vice President for University Relations
Jacksonville University

2800 University Boulevard North
Jacksonville, Florida 32211–3394
(904) 256–7000
Fax (904) 256–7012
1 (800) 225–2027
Web:
http://www.ju.edu

Full text of the above letter to follow.

F. D. NANCY
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201

Book dept.
Mary Todd Lincoln House
578 W Main St, Lexington, KY 40504

Apr 5, 2009

Dear Book department:

I am seeking a book, I don’t know the name, but I was told you may have it dealing with Mary Todd Lincoln. I think the name of the book may be: THE CRAZINESS OF MARY TODD LINCOLN or something like that. It deals with Mrs. Lincoln’s madness. My neighbor, Inez, claims to be a direct descendent of Mary Todd Lincoln. She is a little batty, so who knows. She’s always showing me a bunch of clothes and stuff she said were worn by Mary Todd Lincoln. I have to admit it is interesting to see the box of stuff she has, dresses and shoes, and ribbons for the hair. Plus she has some pictures and she’s always babbling about one day she will donate them to the proper place and then EVERYONE will know she really was a relative of this fine first lady who was left all this stuff, this box of cutlery, a wallet, etc. ANd I do have to admit I have seen a few of the pictures of Mary Todd with the same clothes on her. So who knows. Maybe my neighbor isn’t so loopy and out of it. That is why Id like that book. I think the name of it is: THE LOONY–NESS OF MARY TODD LINCOLN.