A Beautiful Mess (5 page)

Looking over at him I began to say something but he put his finger up to stop me and continued on. “You gave that girl hope and you crushed her all over again. I don’t know what the fuck your problem is because I notice the way you look at her and I can tell you right now it’s the same way I look at Isabelle. I just don’t know what the fuck your problem is man.”

Looking over at Maddox I shook my head.
I thought I was hiding my feelings pretty well. Apparently not.

Letting out a deep breath I said, “I’ve liked Ash for a long time and I’ve tried to stay away and just be her friend because I’m such a mess and she doesn’t deserve that. So I’ve been quiet but when she kissed my hand … Maddox, I fucking lost it. I just went crazy and she didn’t stop me.”

Putting my hands on the top of my head I started pulling my hair. Yelling, “FUCK,” at the top of my lungs I looked over at Maddox and he scrunched his eyebrows together.

He took a deep breath and said, “You like her?”

I just laughed and shook my head. “Fuck no. The word
like
doesn’t even come close to how I feel about that girl.”

He leaned in closer and asked, “You love her?”

I stared at him. I began to think about it and then looked over at Maddox and said, “I’m not sure how to answer that question honestly, Madd.”

Half of Maddox’s mouth came up in a grin and he said, “I think you just did.”

I smiled at him but just then I felt something in my gut and I knew I was in trouble. I looked over at Maddox and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and then my heart plummeted. I took a deep breath and turned around just in time to see Jade and Isabelle marching up in our direction and they were fuming. I swear I could see smoke coming from their ears and their eyes were glaring daggers right at me.

Isabelle walked over and sat down on Maddox’s lap wrapping her arms around his neck. She smiled and kissed him and then she turned to me and the look she gave was scary as hell. I think I would have rather cut my own dick off than have her look at me that way ever again.

Jade sat down next to me and just looked at me and shook her head. That’s all she had to do because I knew she was disappointed with me and no words could describe how pissed she was at me. She knew I had a huge thing for Ashlynn but while I had huge balls. They just weren’t big enough to tell Ash how I felt about her.

Putting my head down I sighed. Long and hard.
Jesus Christ, now my dick is starting to swell
.

This was all such a huge mess and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t even know where to begin in trying to make an attempt. I feel like I just keep digging a bigger hole for myself and I don’t know how to get out of it.

In the back of my mind I could hear Jade and Iz talking about the situation between Ashlynn and myself but I didn’t care. I just kept thinking about Ash.

Once Isabelle and Jade gave their opinions they were walking back onto the dance floor. However Isabelle stopped and looked at Maddox waiting for him. I looked over at Maddox and he put a finger up in her direction and said, “I’ll be out there in a second sweetheart.” The second he said, “Sweetheart,” Isabelle was like a puddle at his feet. Her eyes twinkled and the smile that went across her face was indescribable, and it was one I wanted desperately to cause on Ash’s face.

When Jade and Isabelle were out of hearing distance Maddox leaned in and said, “Look, I know what you’re going through. It’s the exact same thing Isabelle and I went through but look at where we are.” He must have sensed that I was going to say something because he placed a finger up and motioned for me to keep quiet so he could continue. “I know something happened to you Jason. I’m just not sure what. But I can tell you that Ashlynn is a lot stronger than you think she is and I know that she would go to the ends of the earth for you.”

I looked up at him and said, “How can you be so sure on your observation of Ash, Maddox?”

Without taking his eyes off me he smiled and said, “Because I would do that for Isabelle without any hesitation.”

At that moment Isabelle walked up and grabbed Maddox’s hand and started pulling him along. “Come on munchkin.”

Maddox looked over at me and raised an eyebrow. I just mock saluted him and chuckling I said, “Understood
munchkin
.”

Madd just gave me the finger and pinched Isabelle’s ass as they walked back down to the dance floor.

Even though I felt like complete shit for what happened with me and Ashlynn I was extremely happy for Maddox and Isabelle. I started to think about what Maddox had to say about comparing himself and Isabelle to Ashlynn and myself. I know without a doubt that Ashlynn is strong enough to do whatever she puts her mind to but I’m just not sure if I’m strong enough.

As soon as the lovebirds were out of sight I drank the rest of my beer. I was just about to get another one but Samantha, the waitress, walked up and placed another one down for me and winked before she left. That’s how the rest of the night went.

Samantha bringing me drinks and me trying to drink myself into oblivion.

After a couple more drinks everything started to blur together. At one point I was down on the dance floor grinding into Samantha. She was really hot but she was nothing compared to Ash because Ashlynn was beautiful. She kept whispering in my ear for us to go in the back for some privacy but I knew what that meant. I kept shaking my head but my resolve was quickly fading away.

I instantly sobered up when Samantha wrapped her arms around me and leaned in for a kiss. I moved my head down and the second her lips met mine I felt nothing. All that I felt and remembered were the memories of Ash and how hurt I knew she was. Samantha started to deepen the kiss by swiping her tongue along my lower lip but I moved away from her. Placing her hands on her hips she looked up at me with disgust.

Shaking my head I said, “I’m sorry, I just … I can’t do this Samantha.”

Snarling, she said, “It’s because of that bitch from earlier. Isn’t it?”

I started to get really pissed off and met her eyes. “Call her a bitch one more time and see what happens.”

She just giggled and said, “Your loss, asshole,” and with that she walked away from me. Of course she had to shake her ass, look back at me and wink. But at least the bitch left.

Before I could think about where I wanted to go my feet were moving. One in front of the other. Walking back up to our table to grab my wallet I saw Maddox and Isabelle and Gabe and Sarah. Of course they were snuggled up in one another’s arms.

They must have heard me because Maddox looked over in my direction and asked, “You ready?”

Walking up the rest of the way to the table I grabbed my wallet and said, “Yeah, I’m getting ready to leave.”

I didn’t even get to finish my sentence before Isabelle was jumping up saying, “Oh no Jason don’t even think about it. You’ll be staying in our room tonight.”

I looked over at Maddox but he nodded his head in agreement with Isabelle.
I feel like such a dick for cockblocking Maddox and Isabelle but what are my other options?
I figured since I wouldn’t be able to apologize to Ashlynn tonight then I might as well have a few more drinks and get completely wasted. Nobody agreed with my decision, but I didn’t give a shit.

After hailing a cab we finally made it back to the hotel. Maddox and Gabe had to help me because I started wobbling around and slurring my words together. I started to pull out my swipe card but Isabelle placed a hand on top of mine. Looking into my eyes she said, “Remember Jason, you’re staying with us tonight.”

I started shaking my head saying, “No,” but Gabe said, “Come on man. You just need to lie down and go to sleep. You’ll have a shitty hangover tomorrow but at least you’ll have a clearer head then you do right now.”

He started to pull me down the hall but I said, “I want to see Ash. Ash. ASH!”

I tried to push Gabe and Maddox off me because I needed to see Ashlynn but they began to pull me down the hall. We didn’t get more than five feet before I heard a door open. My heart jumped up and down and I turned around in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, the door opening would be Ash’s. I pushed off Maddox ad Gabe to see Ash and the view broke my heart. Ash’s mascara was all over her face, her eyes were twice their normal size, and her nose was all red from crying.

I staggered over to Ash and wrapped her head in my hands whispering, “I’m so sorry Ash,” over and over again. It broke my heart that she was crying over me. Because of me. That’s the reason I can’t date Ash, because I’ll break her heart over and over again. It’s really that simple. It’s not that I want to but with a past like mine I question everything and I can’t hurt someone the way my dad hurt my mom, Jade, and myself.

Seeing more tears escape her eyes I thought I was going to cry for a second but I gulped and swallowed them away. I could hear footsteps from behind me. At first they were walking towards us but then they quickly vanished. I just kept running my thumbs up and down Ash’s cheeks on either side trying to comfort her. I wanted to kiss her again, but I didn’t think that would go over too well with her. So I moved away and put her hand in mine and walked us back into our room together.

I couldn’t take the mascara all over her face any longer so as soon as we got into our room I walked her into the bathroom and placed her on the counter. I heard her breathing loudly but I needed to do this. I needed to show her that I could take care of her. In some sort of way at least.

While I looked for her make-up removal wipes I had an inner battle with myself. I wanted to show her that I could be who she wanted, but I also knew that I would end up hurting her the way my dad hurt my mom. I let the first win because I wanted her to be happy and I knew at least a small part of me could do that for her.

Walking back in the bathroom I placed the cool wipe to her cheek and began to wipe off her black mascara. I wiped her cheeks, her nose, and both eyes. When I was satisfied with my clean-up job I picked her up in my arms and walked her over to her bed so she could go to sleep. I walked over and turned off the bedside table and then began to walk over to my bed but I stopped and turned.

I saw Ash’s back and again I had a battle with myself but I decided to just go with it. I needed to be close to her even if only for a second before she pushed me out of her bed. So I sat down on her bed and scooted over to her and cradled her against me.

Kissing her on the neck I whispered in her ear, “I’ll fix this mess, Ash. I promise.” I didn’t get to hear what she had to say because before I knew it my eyes were closed and I was drifting off into a peaceful sleep.

I woke up with the world’s worst hangover the following morning but I had the most beautiful girl wrapped up in my arms. Somehow during the night she’d turned so her body was facing me so I took a few seconds to just look at her.

I always thought Ash was beautiful but there weren’t words to describe how incredible she looked in the morning.
God, she is breathtaking
. Her hair was lying on the pillow and her mouth was opened just slightly and she made the most gorgeous little sounds. It wasn’t snoring; more like purring.

As I stared at her I realized I wanted Ashlynn. I needed Ashlynn and I knew exactly what I needed to do in order to get her. I was taking a leap of faith because I didn’t know if she would agree to it, but if Maddox was right about Ashlynn then I had nothing to worry about.

I figured today was a new day. A new start. A new beginning and I wanted to begin something, I’m not sure what exactly, but something with Ashlynn Miller.

Kissing her on the cheek I quietly got up out of bed. I didn’t want to wake her because I had a surprise for her. After relieving myself in the bathroom I grabbed some aspirin and a bottle of water. Swallowing the pills and gulping down the bottle of water I grabbed my cell phone and left the room.

Getting the phone number from reception I dialed.

“Airlines. How may I help you?”

Taking a few deep breaths I said, “I need to make a flight change.”

After the conversation I hung up the phone. Looking down I could feel my heart beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out. Clicking my phone shut I said, “I hope you know what exactly you’re doing Jason.”

Taking one step at a time I made my way back to mine and Ashlynn’s room. I could hear moving around on the other side and knew Ashlynn was up. I wasn’t sure if I was incredibly excited or scared shitless to walk into that room because I didn’t know what would be waiting for me on the other side.

With shaky fingers I got out my swipe card. Taking a few deep breaths I tried to calm myself.
Come on Jason, you can do this. Just walk through. It’s only Ashlynn
. But she wasn’t just any girl. She was the girl. My girl or at least I’d hoped.

After getting the green light I opened the door. Ash’s back was to me and I saw that she was packing up her clothes. The second she heard the door open I noticed she scrunched up a little bit from behind and jumped; almost like she was scared of me or what I was going to say. Turning around I could tell she was nervous. In this tiny voice she squeaked, “Jason …”