A Beautiful Mess (8 page)

Cupping her face between my hands I said, “Because I don’t do relationships. I have sex with girls, I don’t fall in love with them. I keep that barrier because I can’t turn out like my dad. I also know that I would never have children because I would never want to ruin their childhoods and their lives the way both of my parents destroyed mine and Jade’s. I won’t allow it. Kids deserve to run around in the yard and get ice cream from the ice cream truck. They deserve to act silly and get messy and sticky. What they don’t deserve is dealing with physical and verbal abuse. They don’t deserve to grow up too fast and not experience a childhood. They don’t deserve what Jade and I had to go through. I can’t and I won’t. I knew when I first saw you freshman year you would be the hardest to get over and I still haven’t gotten over you. I don’t think I ever will.

But you deserve a lot more than just someone who is going to have sex with you. You deserve a guy who is going to love you for the rest of your life and who’s going to marry you. To have children with. To treat you with respect and dignity and grace. Keep you on that pedestal where you most certainly belong. You deserve a guy who is going to wake up every day and say, ‘Damn, I’m lucky because I’m with Ashlynn Miller’.”

Never taking my eyes off hers I said, “That’s what you deserve. Not me. Not this mess.”

She closed her eyes and more tears fell from them. She tried to lean in for a kiss when I dropped my hands from her face. Her bottom lip was quivering when she looked up at me and said, “I still don’t understand Jason.”

My blood pressure instantly raised and my heart beat accelerated. How could she not see why we couldn’t be together? I couldn’t do that to her. As much as I wanted her and needed her in my life as something much more than a friend I had to push her away.

Does she think that little of herself that what I said doesn’t matter to her? I’m not worth it.

“What don’t you understand Ash? Do you not understand that I’m a horrible mess of a person? Do you not understand that I would fuck this up?”

I took a minute to catch my breath and attempted to calm down. I began to pace back and forth because I didn’t know what to do or say. Collecting my bearings I said, “I just told you those things so you would understand why we can never be together.”

I slammed my hand against the wall which in turn made her jump a little.
Good, she needs to be scared
. She needed a rude awakening and to realize she deserves much more than what I can offer her.

“I mean DAMMIT Ash! You’re beautiful and sweet and pure. Me, on the other hand, I’m a fuck up and a mess. I don’t deserve you. And I will not put myself in a situation where I hurt someone the way my dad hurt my mom and his children. Especially with you.”

She gasped and placed a hand to her beautiful chest. Scrunching her eyebrows together Ash whispered, “You think I’m beautiful and you think you’re a mess?”

I just shrugged my shoulders in defeat and shook my head. “I don’t think that Ash. It’s a fact and I’m just pointing the obvious out to you.”

She took her lower lip into her mouth and bit down on it. She had this far off look on her face like she was thinking about something and then this sweet, innocent smile came across her beautiful face.

Ash let go of her bottom lip and walked over to me placing a hand on either side of my face. Never taking her eyes off me she whispered, “Do you know what we make Jason?” Not allowing me to answer she said, “We even each other out because together we make a beautiful mess.”

It was in that moment I was awakened. I was given a second chance and I knew exactly what I wanted, Ashlynn Miller, and I was never going to let her go again.

Sucking in a breath I felt tears forming in my eyes. I couldn’t believe the words that left Ash’s beautiful lips. Leave it to her to see the good in such a fucked up situation. I laughed and then looked into her caramel colored twinkling eyes and said, “Yeah, I guess we do.”

The rest of Spring Break was indescribable. We had the time of our lives together getting to know one another. Of course there were a few stolen kisses but nothing more because I wanted to take what we had going on as slow as possible. I wanted to enjoy it and I wanted to make this work because I knew with all my gut I wanted Ashlynn for a long time.

Eternity.

We splashed around in the water, tanned in the hot sun and I was even lucky enough to rub sun tan lotion all over Ash’s beautiful body. It was actually funny because during our time on the beach I was cooling off in the water and Ashlynn was tanning while reading a book when a guy our age walked up to her. I wanted to punch the little shit right in the face but I slowly made my way up to where our things were laid out never taking my eyes off Ashlynn.

The second she saw me I swear there was a twinkle in her eye and right as the guy was getting ready to ask her out she got up and jumped right into my arms wrapping her legs around me. It took me by surprise but I quickly welcomed it and wrapped my arms around her and grabbed a hold of her ass and gave it a squeeze. She squealed and then bit my lower lip and begged for entrance.

I happily obliged because I am a red blooded American male and when you have a gorgeous girl licking and nipping your lip you will do just about anything for that girl. I know I would for Ashlynn. We were both moaning into each other’s mouths when she pulled back and said, “I think he’s gone.”

I pretended to look around and then looked back at her and said, “I don’t think he is.”

What came out of her mouth was this beautiful giggle and then she said, “You know what? I don’t think he is either. You think we could do better?”

I squeezed her butt cheeks and pulled her even closer to me where she could feel my hard-on and said, “Most definitely.”

While we were having fun being with one another and getting to explore one another we hadn’t actually defined our “relationship.” But I knew we weren’t going to see other people. Boy, was I damn proud of that. To finally say that Ash was mine was … incredible.

Tonight was our last night in Florida and tomorrow we would go back to “normal.” Whatever the word normal is. To some people normal is ordering caviar and drinking champagne every damn day and still wanting more. To some normal is selling your body for money. To some normal is lying, manipulating, and cheating. But to me normal is what I have right now … Ashlynn by my side and my secret out in the open.

I had decided to make Ashlynn and myself a candlelit dinner out on the patio. Cooking is a secret passion of mine; one that not a lot of people know about. It’s kind of funny actually because looking at me you would never guess that I, Jason Steven Williams am a great cook. Any chance I could get I watched the
Food Network
channel.

For dinner I had made grilled shrimp tacos with a tangy sauce and dirty rice. I also opened one of my dad’s many red wines that would go perfectly with our dinner. I was mixing up the rice when Ashlynn walked in wearing this beautiful sundress that instantly took my breath away. She walked over and wrapped her arms around my middle and kissed my chest. I dropped the spoon I was holding and wrapped my arms around her and we just stood there breathing one another in.

The same time I looked down at her Ash looked up at me. I kissed her on the forehead and said, “You look beautiful.”

This beautiful blush came across her face and she said, “And you look like a mess.”

She began to back away and I just laughed and pulled her back to me. She giggled and wrapped her arms around me. I moved in and whispered against her lips, “You’re the beautiful to my mess.”

I then kissed her on the lips and she said, “How can I help?”

I told her to fill us up each a glass of wine and wait out on the patio. She happily obliged and poured us each a glass and took a healthy sip. I walked over to her and said, “Can I have a taste?” She began to hand me my glass when I wrapped her in my arms and my mouth was instantly on hers and I was sweeping my tongue in her mouth. She tasted of sweet red wine with a bit of tang and Ashlynn.

I started to wonder what else other parts of her would taste like but this had to go slow. Impossibly slow because I didn’t want to mess it up so as much as I didn’t want to I set her back down and she smiled up at me. “How did you like the wine?”

I couldn’t help it so I kissed her again and said, “Insatiable.”

She tried to deepen the kiss but I put her at arm’s length and said, “If you don’t go out there right now I’m going to carry you back to my room. And Ash? I’m trying really damn right now.”

She just nodded and took a few steps backwards from me. Picking up the wine glasses she started to walk out to the patio but stopped and turned. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

The second she walked out I began to set up our plates but my phone started to ring. I picked it up and saw that it was an Unknown caller so I pressed the Ignore button.

Getting everything situated I started to pick up our plates but my phone started to ring again. I saw that it was Unknown again but I picked it up anyway. “Hello?”

As soon as I heard the man’s voice I automatically knew who it was. Of course I hadn’t talked to him since Jade and I left for school but you never forget your dad’s voice. “Jason. We need to talk.”

I couldn’t believe what Jason had told me about his and Jade’s childhoods. It completely broke my heart. No wonder he was questioning us becoming a couple because first he had to trust somebody completely in order to tell them about what he called his mess. I also couldn’t believe what his parents had done to him and Jade.

To be perfectly honest I wasn’t really sure which parent was worse. Their dad for degrading them and beating the shit out of Jason or their mom for looking the other way? Either way I think they both deserved to burn in hell for what they did to their children and how they ruined their lives.

He had to open up his heart and while a part of me was grateful he had chosen to tell me another part was terrified completely because I didn’t want to think about what struggles we would have to go through.

I’ve read so many books where the struggles are completely worth it in the end and with Jason I have to agree. In my heart and my mind I knew that we would go through struggles and heartbreaks and this would be a complete mess. I knew there would be tears shed and shouts and screams from either end. I knew there would be words said we would later regret.

But without a doubt in my body I also knew there would be beauty, laughter, joy, and most importantly love shared between the two of us. I just didn’t know about all the struggles we were going to face until the last night we were in Florida.

Everything seemed to be going amazingly between Jason and me. However, as I waited for him out on the deck for our dinner I noticed him on the phone and that’s when his whole demeanor shifted and the mess we would have to face began. He walked out onto the deck and while we ate dinner I didn’t taste a thing. It all tasted like cardboard because in the pit of my stomach I knew something was horribly wrong. I wanted to ask him about it but I knew that with Jason I had to give him his time. I knew that if I pushed him too far he would close off from me completely and indefinitely. So I gave him his time … a month and a half to be exact.