A Beautiful Mess (6 page)

She was getting ready to say something but I cut her off and said, “You should probably pack up the rest of your stuff. Our flight leaves in a little while.”

She was biting her lip but she let it go and her face automatically turned down in a frown. It looked almost like I punched her in the gut from the way she was reacting, but hopefully she wouldn’t be acting like that for much longer.

I just hope I’m doing the right thing and not making a bigger mess for the both of us.

I thought I was going to wake up in Jason’s arms, but I didn’t. Although I did wake up with a horrible headache because of all the crying I had done the night before. Stretching and getting up from bed I walked over to my make-up bag and searched for some type of Tylenol or Advil to relieve my headache.

Stumbling upon my make-up removal wipes my tummy automatically started doing somersaults and flips because of the memories of Jason last night. At first I thought it was all a dream and I never wanted to wake up from it. It made me think that the horrible mess prior was so worth it because we came out to a beautiful thing afterwards.

Watching him as he wiped away the smeared mascara on my face I could tell there was something in him that was changing. Although I could tell there was a part of him that wanted to fight it every step of the way. Somehow, someway I was going to get through that barrier. I noticed it in his eyes when he was wiping away the mascara. He was biting his lower lip and scrunching his eyebrows together and kept shaking his head back.

I started to wonder if everything Jade had told me was only a small portion of what growing up in the Williams’ household was like. I started to think back on the years at school and realized that not once did Mr. or Mrs. Williams ever visit their children.

Meanwhile my dad was always making surprise appearances. Sometimes I was kind of annoyed with it because on some occasions I was rather hung over but I was grateful my dad was always there for me. Jade and I were so close that my dad always included Jade and Jason in on whatever we were doing. Sometimes we would just go get something to eat or even go see a movie.

I thought it was really sweet when the school sent home gift basket order forms around midterm and finals time. Miraculously, Jade and Jason always received one but it was never from their parents. I knew they were from my dad and he never told me about it.

I also started to question if I was strong enough to help Jason with his struggles. I just didn’t want to create a bigger mess for Jason to have to deal with and clean up. I wanted to help him. Not hurt him.

Taking some Tylenol and taking a few sips of water I started to get ready. Our flight back home would be leaving shortly. I wondered where Jason was, but maybe he just needed this time alone to think about things between us and where exactly we went from here like I was.

After taking my shower I just put on some jean shorts and a sweatshirt. I didn’t bother washing my hair because I didn’t feel like it. Today was my lazy day and I was welcoming it with open arms. I already felt like shit on the inside so why not look like shit?

I began to pack my bag when I heard the door unlock and begin to open. I thought I had calmed down but my chest started to heave up and down. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack or something. Yesterday Jason could have walked in here and I would have just felt my heart skip a beat and my face redden but today was the total opposite. I didn’t know how to act around him. I couldn’t just be myself because within the past 24 hours everything had changed between us.

I took a deep breath and slowly turned around and Jason was smiling at me. I opened my mouth and said, “Jason …” but he didn’t let me finish.

It felt like someone ran me over, beat the shit out of me, and left me on the side of the road. I wanted to ask him what exactly happened last night. Where do we go from here? What do you want?

But I guess him cutting me off and saying, “You should probably pack up your stuff. Our flight leaves in a little while,” was all he needed to say.

He wanted to forget the last 24 hours, but I wouldn’t. I would keep those memories for as long as I lived and cherish them under lock and key. I would remember that for the 24 hours we were in Vegas that things between Jason and I were different. A complete 180.

Things were quiet between us while we both packed up our stuff to head back home. When I finished packing I sat on the uncomfortable hotel bed and remembered last night when Jason snuggled up next to me and kept me close to him. He kept me safe and comforted me. And in that he gave me hope.

Pulling out my Kindle I began to read a book I had downloaded on the flight over. I was still reading when Jason walked over to me and nudged me with his foot. I looked up at him confused and he said, “Ready Ash?”

Oh yeah, back to reality where shitty things do happen to good people unlike books that are written for make-believe and where your dreams really do come true. Where your prayers are actually answered and you truly can have it all.

I just nodded my head and quietly said, “Yeah, I guess.”

I got up from the bed and started to grab my bag when Jason said, “I got it Ash.”

I looked down because I couldn’t bear to see the look in his eyes when I whispered, “No, you don’t. You never did.” With that I picked up my bag and we both left the room, checked out of the hotel, and hailed a cab.

Every step that I took felt like I was being stabbed in the heart and someone was twisting it. I just wished that I had a magical clock where I could rewind time and figure out where it all went wrong and change it so maybe right now could be different.

Instead of waking up alone I could be waking up in Jason’s arms and kissing him. Where we could stay in bed all day and change our flight time because we got carried away. Where we could get to know one another on a different level besides that of friends. Where we could go back to school as a couple and see where
this
took us.

Whatever path it led us down because good or bad, right or wrong it would be amazing. No matter what way it ended: with him for forever or with him for only a short while I would be changed in some sort of way for the rest of my life. All because of Jason Williams.

Walking into the airport lounge my heart was beating out of its chest because I didn’t want to board the plane. I didn’t want to go back to Maryland and in five years, ten years from now look back and think that our short trip in Vegas was only a dream and how I wished I would have never woken up. Because like books and movies, dreams are more often than not better than reality.

We started walking in the direction of our gate and as I started to turn Jason put a hand on my upper arm signaling for me to stop. Stopping, I slowly looked up into his eyes and he was looking at me with the hint of a smile on his face. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something white was waving below us and I looked down. I noticed that he was holding two airplane tickets and I wondered when he snooped into my bag and got mine.

I quickly pulled my purse off of my shoulder and unzipped it. I started digging around and noticed that my ticket was still inside my wallet, folded up and hidden away; like my short time with Jason. I slowly looked up into Jason’s eyes and tilted my head.

He shrugged his shoulders and let out a laugh. “I just thought we could use another vacation.”

I took hold of the plane tickets and read that we were headed to Florida. A smile began to creep up on my face but then it quickly disappeared because I came to the realization that this vacation was just going to be Jason and me.

Alone.

Together.

I started to bite my lower lip because I was nervous. Jason must have noticed it and sensed how I was feeling. Holding up the plane tickets Jason said, “I thought we could hang out Ash. Just the two of us. No one else.”

I was still silent so Jason said, “It’s my parent’s vacation house. It’s right by the edge of the ocean. If everything goes well I thought we could stay for the rest of Spring Break.” Pausing he said, “That is if you want to.”

I began to open my mouth but no words were coming out. I was surprised I was still standing up to be honest. And that I was breathing in and out.

Continuing Jason said, “The reason I wanted to go to Florida is so I could explain some things to you. Explain about what exactly happened last night and get everything out on the table. No more surprises. No more secrets.”

I started to think about what Jason just said. It was everything I wanted but I was scared of these secrets he was talking about.

To me it was okay.

To me it was perfect.

Perfectly okay.

Sucking in a shaky breath I nodded my head and whispered, “Okay.”

As soon as that one word left my lips a smile came across Jason’s face and his eyes brightened up. Nodding his head he let out a breath and said, “Okay then,” and grabbing my hand we walked to our new destination.

On the flight over to Florida Jason and I were pretty quiet. I texted Jade letting her know that Jason and I had some things we had to straighten up and that I wouldn’t be coming home today. She texted me back telling me to take my time and see what could happen between Jason and I.

Jade had these high hopes and not a care in the world. Me, on the other hand? I second guessed everything and questioned what exactly would happen. I wanted Jason but I was scared. Scared in the sense that I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to help Jason with the demons of his past. Scared to find out what exactly had happened to him and Jade as children.

Landing in Florida we caught a cab and made our way over to Jason’s parents’ beach house. It was funny because Jason was laughing and smiling again. The way he was our night in Vegas when he attacked me with kisses up against the wall. It seemed like all we had to do was go on vacations for everything to be “normal” between us. But life isn’t a vacation and at some point we have to get back to reality.

So as much as I was going to enjoy this vacation and my time alone with Jason I was also nervous about getting back on that plane and going back to school. I didn’t know which Jason would be getting on the plane with me. The Jason I had known since freshman year of college or the Jason that kissed me and made me feel like I was his and his only.

After Jason paid for the cab fare he got our luggage and we walked up to the house. He got a key from underneath the front door mat and quickly unlocked the door. Opening the door he said, “After you, milady.”

Even though I was wearing jean shorts I pretended I had on a Victorian dress and curtsied, saying, “Thank you kind sir.”

I walked in and heard Jason laughing behind me. I turned back to him and he was placing the luggage down on either side of him and then he lifted his arms and shrugged. “Do you want to look around?”

As soon as he closed the door I began to get nervous. I could feel beads of sweat forming at the top of my forehead. I thought maybe Jason could hear my heart pounding out of my chest and my fingers started to twitch.

I shook the nervousness away and said, “Yeah, let’s take a look around.”

Jason showed me around the house which was pretty simple. I mean, it was just a beach house that was all one level with a living room and kitchen along with three bedrooms. The living room was in the back of the house and there were large windows which showed a clear view of the crisp, clear ocean water and the sand I couldn’t wait to feel between my toes.

After showing me around the house we made our way back into the kitchen. Jason was pulling out ingredients to make sandwiches. I walked over to him and nudged him on the shoulder. “Can I help?”

He laughed and said, “Yeah, I thought we could get a cooler ready and hang out at the beach for the rest of the day. Does that sound okay?”

I was busy making a sandwich and smiled. “That sounds amazing but Jason, I just wanted to know where I should stay.”

He looked over at me said, “You’re staying here silly.”

I shook my head and said, “I meant which bedroom I should stay in.”

He was in the middle of spreading mustard on his sandwich when he dropped it and stuttered saying, “Oh, um, how about Jade’s room?”

“Okay, that sounds good.”

Jason nudged my shoulder and said, “How about you go get ready for the beach and I’ll finish up here. Sound good?”

I just nodded my head and began to walk over to the front door to pick up my bag when I heard Jason say, “I’m really glad you’re here, Ash.”

I stopped in my tracks and smiled. Just turning my head back towards his direction I said, “So am I Jason.”

Making my way back to Jade’s room I started to get nervous. Closing the door behind me I sagged down to the floor and started hyperventilating. “Come on Ash! This is what you wanted. Just play it cool and everything will be okay.”

Psyching myself up I dropped my bag on the bed and started going through it to get my bikini and then I realized I needed to shave. Thankfully Jade had a bathroom in her room so I quickly shaved my legs and another area (wink, wink) and changed into my pink bikini and put on a pair of jean shorts.