A Beautiful Mess (10 page)

I smiled and after locking the door I turned to see Neil still staring at me. My stomach started doing somersaults and I had begun to laugh. “What?”

He just shook his head and said, “You look beautiful, Ashlynn.”

I could feel my cheeks beginning to blush and looked down at the pavement. “Thank you.”

I felt a hand under my chin and before I knew it I was looking at Neil and he smiled and said, “You shouldn’t be embarrassed of that.” It seemed like all I could do around Neil was smile. Taking my hand in his we walked to his car and he opened the door for me which I thought was really sweet. After closing the door he walked over to the driver’s side and got in and started the car up. On our way to the restaurant we talked about the simple things. Our favorite shows we like to watch. Movies. Music we listen to.

Before I knew it Neil was parking the car and we were walking in. He held the door open for me and after the hostess took us to our table and got our drink order the conversation started all up again. Neil told me about Jacquelyn and Tommy and how important they were to him. He told me that he had to move back home because of some family problems. I could tell he didn’t want to get into it so I didn’t ask any questions. I loved that he felt comfortable with me, but in all honesty I felt like what Neil and I had would turn into a great friendship and nothing more.

Once our food arrived there were a few minutes of silence while we dug into the delicious seafood. Cracking open the lobster and slathering it with butter, while taking sips of ice cold beer to bring it all together.

I was just about to take a bite of the buttered lobster when I heard my cell phone beep, notifying me that I had a text message. I ignored it because it’s rude to check messages on a date, but Neil must have noticed it too because he said, “You can answer it Ash. I don’t mind.”

I quickly apologized and unzipped my purse. Opening my phone my heart stopped when I read the text.

Jason – I’ll never move on Ashlynn.

I didn’t think I shut my phone that loudly but Neil commented and said, “Are you ok?”

I looked up at him and he seemed really sincere. I attempted to nod my head but Neil said, “What’s his name?”

I didn’t think it was okay to talk to Neil about this while we were on a date together but Neil said, “Look Ashlynn it’s okay. I just wanted to get to know you and I’ve had a lot of fun tonight but I can tell from the way you were reading that message that you’re taken. I’d still like to be friends at least.”

I smiled and nodded my head in approval. “I’m so sorry Neil and I’ve had a great time tonight too.”

He gave a small smile and took a sip of his beer. After swallowing, he pointed to my phone and said, “Alright, let’s hear the story.”

Setting down my phone I looked up at him and said, “It’s a long story.” At that exact moment the waitress came over with our bill.

Before I could grab the bill Neil had it in his hands and was pulling out his wallet to get his card. I wanted to protest but he looked up at me and said, “I got this. If you’re up for it how about you buy a case of beer and we can talk about it at my place? My roommate will probably be there so you can get two guys’ perspectives.”

Just as Neil put the card in the holder and set it back on the table I put my hand on top of his and smiled. “Do you know how amazing you are Neil?”

He chuckled and said, “It’s by choice.”

Once the waitress came back with our receipt we left the restaurant. Picking up a case of beer Neil started the drive to his apartment. I noticed that we were in the same apartment complex as Jason and I started to get really nervous. Grabbing the beer from the back Neil said, “Follow me.”

I followed Neil and stopped and saw that his apartment read 3B and my heart stopped.

I started to walk into the apartment and then I saw the back of his roommate’s head and heard him say, “Back so soon Neil?”

Neil just laughed and said, “Nah, she’s here with me.”

Just then Neil’s roommate got up from the sofa, turned around, and his eyes bulged out of his head. “Ashlynn?”

I heard Neil placing the beer on the breakfast bar and out of the corner of my eye I saw him turn to me with a confused look on his face.

Without taking my eyes off his roommate I whispered, “Jason.”

The second I heard the words, “Jason. We need to talk,” my heart dropped. Why did it have to be as soon as I put everything out on the table with Ashlynn? I felt like we had made a huge breakthrough and then this bastard has to call and ruin it, just like Jade’s and my childhood.

I just didn’t understand why he couldn’t leave me alone and let me live my life. He never tried to talk to Jade but it was probably because I threatened to kill him if ever hurt her with his words or his fists ever again. I knew it hurt Jade and that’s why she never did relationships; well that and because of what had happened in high school.

The both of us were just two damaged souls and we needed people who were going to help us with the messes and mistakes we were bound to make. Luckily I had found mine … Ashlynn. I just hoped that Jade would find hers.

Looking through the glass doors at the view of Ashlynn sitting out on the deck I let out a deep breath and said, “Alright,” and quickly hung up before I could take back the single hardest word I have ever had to speak.

While it hurt to say, “Goodbye,” to Ashlynn before we even got started I knew that if I didn’t hear my dad out Ashlynn and I wouldn’t last the long run and goddamn, because I was in for the long run with her.

Once Ashlynn and I got back from Florida I closed off from her because I had to hear what my dad had to say to me and what he told me left me emotionless.

Picking up the phone to call my dad my heart was beating so fast. I was about to hang up because it just kept ringing but then I heard the phone pick up and my dad say, “Jason?”

I quickly gulped down my nerves and said, “What is it you wanted to talk about?”

Mom and Dad were still together but they both deserved one another because they were two of the most horrible human beings I had ever come in contact with and the fact that both their blood ran through mine and Jade’s veins disgusted me beyond belief.

I heard some heavy wheezing on the other end and then I heard, “I’m dying.”

I didn’t know what to say to that because if he wanted my sympathy he sure as hell was looking in the wrong spot. In fact I was the last person he should be asking sympathy from … besides Jade.

I didn’t say anything so he went on.

“I have Stage 4 liver cancer and I’m not going to last much longer. I um –”

I thought the line disconnected so I took the phone from my ear to look but I saw that he was still on the other end. I closed my eyes and said, “Are you still there?”

I heard him choking up and he said, “Yeah, I’m still here. I, um, I don’t even know what to say for the things I have done to you and Jade. Sorry doesn’t even come close and I wanted to ask for your forgiveness.”

I just started laughing. “Really? You’re asking for forgiveness now because you’re dying? You will never get my forgiveness and if you so much as contact Jade I will shoot you where you stand. You hear me? You made your choices and I hope you rot in hell for what you did to us. I just can’t believe I let you and mom get to me like this.”

You don’t even deserve to hear this but I met this girl and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But you know what I think about when it comes to her? The fact that I am scared out of my goddamn mind to end up like you. She means way too fucking much to me. I just don’t understand how some bastard could treat his wife and kids like the way you treated mom, Jade, and I.”

Slamming my fist into the wall of my apartment I yelled, “FUCK! That bitch doesn’t even deserve me standing up for her because she fucking watched what you did to us!”

I tried to calm myself down so I went to the refrigerator and pulled out an ice cold beer and took down half of it in one gulp. Slamming the bottle down I waited to hear what else he had to say.

All I heard for a good minute was heavy wheezing but then he said, “I’ve wanted to apologize for a long fucking time now Jason. You have no idea how I feel about the way I treated you and Jade, but especially you. You were my punching bag for so many years, but the reason I’m asking you to forgive me is because I know that eventually you will. And I can say this because I know it’s the truth … you will forgive me because you are nothing like me. You are so much more. So much better than me. Than I ever will be.”

I can’t say that I don’t think I deserve what’s happening to me because I know I do. I think it took Stage 4 liver cancer to finally call you because there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t wanted to pick up that phone and call you and do something so simple, yet so difficult as apologize for my actions and my betrayal. By blood I am your father but I haven’t been your father in a long fucking time. Probably since you and Jade were four, if that. But I’m asking if you’ll give me a chance to prove myself to you guys.”

Through the process of his speech to me I went from complete rage to sympathy for this man. It’s sad that when something difficult happens that’s what it takes for some people to own up to their actions. To apologize for what they’ve done to those around them.

I was getting ready to say something and I’m not sure what exactly but he said, “I’ll be here when you want to talk. If you want to talk,” and with that the line went dead and I was left speechless.

I knew I had to get it over with so I called Jade and told her I would pick her up in fifteen minutes. She could tell something was wrong with me because she wasn’t her witty self. She was actually acting like when we both lived at home. She was scared and timid and shaking.

Getting back to my apartment I told Jade to sit down on the sofa while I went to go get us some beers. Walking back over to the sofa I handed one to Jade and with shaky fingers she gripped the bottle and took a huge gulp.

Wiping the excess beer from the corners of her mouth, she looked up at me and with tears in her eyes she said, “What’s the matter Jason?”

Now it was my turn to take a gulp of my beer. I couldn’t look into her eyes when I uttered the one single word I would forever hate. “Dad.” I heard her take a huge deep breath and then I turned to her and wrapped her up in my arms and tried to calm her down.

I hated myself for having to tell her because I knew she would just crumble. I knew it was going to be harder on her because while growing up I was the one getting hit all she could do was stand there and watch as our father beat the living fuck out of me and then try and bandage me up afterwards. I could only imagine how small she felt, but I made a promise to myself a long time ago, one that I am unwilling to break, that I would protect my sister till I take my last breath.

After what seemed like forever Jade broke away from my arms and went to the bathroom to probably get some tissues. I just sat there on the sofa and slowly took sips of my beer because I didn’t know what else to do.

I was just about to ask Jade if she was okay when she walked out into the living room and sat down and said, “Please don’t be mad at me when I say this, but I want to see him.”

Taking a sip of my beer I placed it on the end table and then took her hands in mine. Looking up at her my heart began to break because her nose was red, her eyes were puffy, and her bottom lip was quivering. I kissed my little sister, by four minutes, on the forehead and said, “I’ll be there for support, but that’s all.”

She attempted to give a small smile, but who could honestly smile at a time like this? Instead she wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “I love you Jason.”

The rest of the school year seemed to go by in a complete blur for both Jade and I. I felt like it was a routine for me. I would get up, go to class and act like I was paying attention and then come home and either drink myself to sleep or Jade and I would talk. While that last month of school was torture, there was also light in the darkness because it brought Jade and I closer together as siblings but it pushed Ashlynn and I further away from each other as far as becoming a couple.

Once our junior year of college ended both Jade and I packed up a week’s supply of clothes and went back to our hometown to visit our dad and talk to him. I wish I could say that our visit was pleasant, but it isn’t pleasant when you visit someone who you have hated all of your life and they’re apologizing solely because they’re dying.

What I can say is that there were many tears shed and apologies made, but no forgiveness or peace was made. All I know is that from the conversation my father and I had earlier on the telephone it showed that I’m not such a mess and that I can be with Ashlynn. I just hope that she hasn’t given up on us yet.

More importantly … on me.

“Hey thanks again for the extra room. It’s like a miracle I found a place to live on such short notice.”

My new roommate’s name was Neil James. He told me that he’d moved back to help with his family and apparently there were some issues going on but I could tell that it was close to home … literally. I totally got where the dude was coming from because I didn’t want to talk about my family issues either so whether he knew it or not we shared a common bond.